He offered his sweaty palm
and shook each of our hands. I wiped mine off the second he let go.
My excitement was at an all-time
high,
but I’d definitely
reevaluate the creepiness level of this guy at a later date. He was
dressed
professionally,
but there was just
something about him that rubbed me the wrong way. It wasn’t that I
thought he was someone else. He just seemed… off.
After Bill had
left
, we went out to celebrate. I gave Nate and Grams a hug and
told them about Bill approaching us. They were ecstatic. Things
were finally looking up.
***
We ended up signing with
RockOn records. They recommended a few changes just to sharpen
our
sound,
but they promised it wouldn’t be anything major.
They appointed Bill as our manager, and he already had us lined up
to record our debut album.
It was so surreal. Everything about
that first year felt like a dream.
The only
complaint I had about
recording
was they did more than tweak the
sound like they promised. They also changed my lyrics around and
even added some of their own. They said they wanted it to “flow”
better. I thought the flow was perfect, but I wasn’t in a position
to argue. I had the record deal of a
lifetime,
and I wasn’t
about to throw a bitch fit about a few added sentences.
We started touring shortly
after we finished recording the album. We were the openers for a
somewhat well-known band. With each
city
we visited, the crowd
grew more and more. By the end of the
tour,
we had signed on
to perform
with
a festival tour that was taking place the
following summer.
s
tage
t
wo
:
Regular Use
o
nce the
tour
started, my substance use
increased. I couldn’t differentiate Mondays from Fridays. It all
felt like a nonstop party.
We were excited to be away from home.
And being a part of a tour that our idols were headlining was a
dream come true. When people passed us something, whether it was a
joint or a line, we indulged.
I
say
“we” because in
the beginning it was all of us. No one was trying to be better than
the other; we were a bunch of ignorant kids just out of high
school. The biggest mistakes happened to those who were excited and
ignorant. That was a recipe for disaster because you were willing
to dive into depths
unknown
. You had no idea what you were
getting into until it was too late.
I started with the regular use of the
basics: alcohol, weed, pills, X, coke. I usually stuck with those,
but if someone brought something new, I was always willing to try
it.
After being on tour for about three
months, a roadie and one of my friends, Aaron, brought me something
he thought I’d like.
“
Hey, man,
me
and a couple of the guys are going to that theme park a few
towns over. I was wondering if you wanted to come along?” He then
dug
into
his pocket and cautiously took out a baggie
filled with mushrooms. He cradled it in his hands so it was hidden
from view. “I got ‘shrooms,
dude
. Shit’s about to get
awesome.” He laughed.
I’d never been one to
overthink things, at least not when I was young. So, the
idea of trying ‘shrooms and
then going on a roller coaster
sounded
pretty damn fun.
Our tour had a festival setup. Bands
started playing a little before noon with the headliners headed on
stage in the early evening.
Without
hesitation,
I
answered, “Yeah, you know I’m down.”
***
I can feel the lights. They’re like a
throbbing presence, and I can touch them. They’re
everywhere.
Lights are everywhere.
I feel weightless. I need to tell
someone I’m weightless so I don’t float away.
“
Aaron, I’m going to start
floating away,” I cautiously whisper.
Aaron looks at me and laughs. I don’t
think he understands that there’s nothing holding me down. I’m
going to float up into space.
“
I’m serious; I need a rope
or something. I’m going to float away into space. The air is too
thin up there. You have to help me, Aaron.” I feel scared
inside,
but my voice is deceptively calm.
Aaron, Scott, and Fred are in
hysterics. I don’t understand why it’s funny that I’ll float
away.
“
There’s an invisible rope
holding you down. You’re okay,” Fred says. Fred is the guitarist in
the band Malevolence. He’s nice. I’m thankful he told me about the
invisible rope.
Otherwise
,
I might have floated away.
We’re walking around the park taking in
the atmosphere. The rides are all lit up, and I can feel the throbs
from each light against my skin.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
It feels like I’m in one of
those massage
chairs,
but it’s a bodysuit.
I’m in a light massage bodysuit. The
lights are massaging me.
That’s funny.
I begin laughing until tears drip down
my face. Once I catch my breath, I look at the guys. “The light is
massaging me. I can feel it massaging me.”
Scott looks sad. “Why isn’t the light
massaging me?”
“
You probably didn’t take
enough ‘shrooms. Here, take
more
,
” Aaron suggests.
I can still feel the pulse
of the
lights,
but it’s only a mild thrum against my skin. I
want to feel it in my bones. It makes all of my shitty thoughts go
on mute for a little while. They’re just a small whisper in the
back of my mind rather than upfront and center like usual. That’s
all I’ve wanted.
“
I’ll have another
one,
too,
Aaron,” I say.
He looks at me and raises his eyebrow
in question. “Are you sure you can handle that?”
I think about it for only a second and
decide that the deep thrum of the lights is worth it. “I’m sure. I
need to feel more.” He drops another in my hand, and I toss it into
my mouth.
I chew quickly because it’s
probably the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted. When I took
the first two earlier, I thought I was going to vomit them back up.
Luckily, they stayed, and so
did
this one.
We keep observing the lights until it
kicks in and I become lost in the throbbing of the
lights.
***
I wake to the sound of music. Afraid I
may have a hangover, I slowly open one eye.
I’m
on
a tour bus. I
think my tour bus, but I’m not sure. I gingerly start to sit up
expecting a hangover of some
sort,
but I’m pleasantly
surprised that I don’t feel one.
I dig my phone out of my pocket and see
that I still have a few hours before we go on. That gives me enough
time to shower and gather my thoughts before I have to sing in
front of a crowd of thousands.
I’ve been surprised by our
turnouts since we’ve started touring. I thought we’d be lucky to
have fifty
people,
but I was completely wrong. I
guess I hadn’t realized how big our single had become. I saw it
rising in the charts every
week,
but it still felt
unreal. We always wait until the end of the set to play
it,
but the voices in the crowd rise at the opening
notes.
It
feels
pretty fucking amazing.
People want to watch us
perform. They even freak out just to get something signed. It’s a
surreal
feeling,
but it’s also like nothing
I’ve ever experienced. When fans are around it makes all the
bullshit worth it.
It’s when we’re not on tour that I’m
going to be worried.
My partying has already increased, and
that’s while we’re here. How in the hell is it going to be when I
go back home to nothing? Maybe I’ll just have to move out of L.A.
and try Las Vegas like I’ve always wanted to.
Bree’s probably going to flip her shit,
but I don’t care. She’s nothing but a good lay anyways. I already
have too much shit going on.
She’s already tried to talk me into
flying her out here, but I always find an excuse for why she can’t
come. I want to break things off, but she’s been there for me since
the beginning, and I feel kind of like a douche for pushing her to
the side like that.
It doesn’t stop me from getting ass
while we’re on tour. I’ve already lost count of how many one-night
stands I’ve had.
And it’s only been three
months.
Yeah, I’m going to have to man up and
break things off with Bree. She’s invested more in us than I ever
did or ever will. I’d probably feel worse about that if she hadn’t
changed so much since we made it big. I had never told her about
the inheritance I have from my parents, money always has a way of
bringing out the worst in people and I didn’t want to think that
she, as a friend, was like that. Almost the moment we signed that
record deal she’s been trying to get me to buy stuff for her every
chance she gets. She’ll text me pictures of things she wants and
she won’t even put a caption along with it like, “Hey, look at
this,” or even a goddamn smiley face. No, she expects the gifts at
this point. I guess that’s partly my fault since at first I had
bought her everything because I felt like shit about getting side
action. Not enough to stop, but enough to buy her whatever the hell
she wanted.
***
We’re on the last day of
the
tour
and all of us are excited. We planned an all-day
party in the backstage area. Most of the bands are
participating.
Spades
has
already
played so we’re hanging out at the picnic tables with a couple of
the other bands. Although this is the backstage area, there are a
lot of fans back here, most of whom are groupies.
I typically scope them out before one
makes eye contact with me. Not just any kind of eye contact, I’m
looking for the “fuck me” eyes.
I’ve had a few shots
already and smoked a joint so I’m feeling good. I only have to
peruse the room for ten minutes before I find the girl who I’ll be
taking back to the tour bus. As luck would have it, tonight is my
night with the big bed so I’m going to be much more comfortable
tonight than I’ve been with past
lays
.
I found a good one tonight. She’s all
tan skin, long blond hair, and legs for days. She’s dressed in
daisy dukes and a shirt that bares her midriff. She begins to strut
over to me, and her belly ring glimmers in the light.
She stops in front of me and bites her
full lip taking the sight of me in. “You’re the Ace of Spades,
right?”
After a long tour, I’ve gotten used to
the recognition. “That would be me.” I stand and grab her hand to
bring up to my lips. I lay a soft kiss on the top and look at her
up through my lashes. I’m slightly bent at the waist with my head
hovering over her hand, but I’m still looking down into her eyes.
“And you are?” I ask.
She smiles. “Honey, I’m whoever you
want me to be.”
I flip her
hand over
and kiss her wrist before letting go. “That’s music to my
ears.” I smile my cocky grin at her. I point to the direction of
the bus. “After
you
.”
We make our way to the bus,
and I already feel myself swell against my zipper. I grab
blondie
by the hips and pull her back to rub her ass against my
crotch. She lets out a giggle and then proceeds to gyrate her
hips.
We still manage to walk but do so
slowly. We’re walking between the other buses and are mostly unseen
by anyone.
I flip blondie around so that she’s now
facing me, and I bring my mouth down to her neck. I lick a path
from the base of her neck to her ear. I grab her lobe between my
teeth and nibble.
“
You ready for me,
sweetheart?” I breathe into her ear.
She lets out a soft moan.
“God,
yes
.”
I grab her by the ass and wrap her long
legs around my waist. I bring her center down hard onto my dick,
and we both let out a moan of appreciation. I press her back into
the nearest bus and push myself into her more.