Call it self-punishing, but she refused to try for better jobs, a more respectful career. An honest life meant she'd dream about better things and end up disappointing herself in the end. The same way her parents disappointed her. Back home, everything had been within her reach if she followed the rules, but she'd burnt that bridge and would never go back.
Even at thirty-three years old, she still feared proving her parents' lies about her were true. She would survive, even if it killed her, and the way her life was going it might.
"Crystal?" Raul hooked his finger under her chin and raised her gaze. "Ethan's serving life in prison. He can't hurt you."
"W-what?" Her mouth fell open.
He nodded, and his gaze softened along with his voice. "We heard he got shot after kidnapping a woman from the Bantorus—
"Shit." She grabbed onto Raul's shirt. "Who? Who was the woman?"
He looked at her hands touching him. "The president's old lady."
"Oh my God. Tori." she leaned forward and pressed her forehead against his chest. "Is she all right or did he…?"
"Yeah, she's fine. Her old man rescued her. She got a few broken ribs and beat all to hell, but she recovered." He wrapped his arms around her.
"This is my fault. I went to Rain, thinking if you wouldn't talk with me, I could convince him to set up a meeting with you. I lied about getting back together with him to get his attention and went against his wishes to stay away. I thought he'd get tired of me and listen to what I had to say. Then he'd contact you about going in lockdown until it was safe. I know you don't like him, but you respect the motorcycle clubs. Rain never gave me a chance to explain, and then one of his members shipped me out of town on a bus. I had no idea Ethan would go after his old lady." She shook her head. "Tori didn't deserve to be involved. I didn't like her, but I could tell she was decent."
"I could kick your ass for putting yourself in danger, and trying a stupid stunt like contacting a Bantorus and going back to Rain, when you should've come directly to me, but damned if I'm not proud of you. When will you think about yourself, instead of other people. Your main concern should be you, nobody else." He stroked her back. "Trouble on two sexy legs."
"You're proud of me?" she whispered.
He inhaled, held his breath and exhaled slowly, holding her tighter. "Don't ever do something like that again."
"I had no choice. You wouldn't see me, and the Lagsturns wouldn't let me on the property," she said.
"Right." Raul fisted her hair and his body went solid. "Fucked up,
mi vida
. That's on my shoulders, not yours."
She sighed, closing her eyes, loving the way his embrace gave her a sense of security she wasn't feeling inside of her. The last few months were the worst of her life, and that was because she was missing Raul. When he was around, she hoped her life would improve. She could pretend he saw through her to the woman she wanted to be, without explaining her past. He never went out of his way to punish her the way she expected, but she'd pushed him too far. There were too many obstacles in their path.
No one in her life knew the real her. Not her parents, her old friends, or the Lagsturns. They all demanded more from her than she could give, and her word was dirt in their eyes because she couldn't back up her reasons for living the kind of life she led. She had too many secrets, each one deeper and more buried than the last.
Nothing she put her heart in ever worked out for the best, and she was used to feeling the brunt of her decisions. With Raul, his rejection hurt worse than everything she'd experienced because while they'd been together, she was real.
She pushed off him, but he held on. "I need to get out of here. If any of the members working for Ethan's boss tell him I'm back in town, he'll come here."
"I'm their president." Raul sank his fingers into her hair and held her head. "The guys answer to me, and won't go outside the club with inside information. If you believe there are brothers who are involved, I need names."
"You'll make them stop?" She peered up into his face.
"
Mi vida
." He sighed and smoothed her hair behind her ear. "There's no club rule that forbids any of the members to involve themselves in whatever work situation they want. What I can do is take it to the table and make it law that anything involving my woman doesn't leak out or they'll be cut out of the Lagsturns."
"I can't—"
He laid his finger over her lips. "You can. I promised I'd take care of you. You're protected here, and you're staying with me. Now, let's take a break from talking about all this shit, so I can kiss you. It's been a hell of a long time since I tasted you, and that's the only thing I want to do right now."
She whispered, "You want to—"
He captured her mouth. She tried to move, but his grip tightened. His lips though, they remained soft, tender, welcoming. Her heart raced and she froze, afraid to do anything but stand there. He was kissing her. Something she'd missed, something she never allowed another man to do to her since Raul kicked her out of the club.
She slipped her arms around his neck, needing to touch every part of him. God, he was wonderful.
His hands slid down her body, cupped her ass, and lifted her off her feet. She twined her legs around his hips, holding on as he carried her a few steps and turned. Her body vibrated from all the attention she'd lacked the last eleven months. Her need to connect with him overrode common sense.
"Raul, we should probably talk about—"
"Later," he said. "Much, much later."
She went with him to the bed, landing on top of him without disconnecting her lips from his mouth. His hands were all over her, ripping his jeans from her hips, shoving his leather jacket off her shoulders. She squirmed, putting her weight on one hand and then the other, until he'd stripped her of her barely-there sequined bikini bottoms she wore on the stage.
He pulled back far enough to mumble, "Burn the outfit."
"I will." She tugged the strings holding her top on and threw the offending material on the floor. She'd never felt freer to get rid of the remains of a life she hated.
Bare on top of Raul, her thighs against his jeans, and her hands planted on his vest, she hid nothing from him. It was the closest that anyone had ever been to seeing inside of her, and she willingly gave as much as she safely could give to Raul.
"Condom." He dropped his arms out wide on the mattress, breathing hard.
She leaned over and opened the nightstand. The condom box lay unopened and she hesitated. The day before Raul pushed her away, she'd bought the exact same box and put it in the drawer. She remembered, because it was a different brand than Raul usually used. She glanced at him, but he'd directed his attention to unbuckling his belt. Had he gone through a whole box while she was gone and bought another or had he not even opened the one she purchased months ago?
"Crystal?"
She jolted, hurried to open the box, and thrust the sealed condom to him. "Here."
He took the package, opened the wrapper, and rolled the protection onto his cock. She settled back on his thighs. The sight of him hard underneath her left her trembling.
This morning everything was lost to her. She had a sucky job where they were always pressuring her to step up into prostitution. Her motel room was a dump. Her possessions—what little she had on her when she'd left Palm Springs—were now gone.
"Hey." Raul came up on his elbow and cupped her face with his other hand.
His thumb came away wet, and he stared at the teardrop on his skin. She blinked hard, shutting down. The tears she could control. The hunger of emptiness in her life was something that ate away at her soul, until she had nothing left. She feared losing the last little hope of finding somewhere that she belonged with the man who had the ability to crush her heart.
"Talk to me," Raul said, softly.
She shook her head, leaning forward. "Fuck me. That's all I need."
He studied her for a few beats, and murmured, "Come here. I got you."
Because his voice, his eyes, his mouth went soft and loving the way she remembered when things were good between them, she dropped onto his chest and kissed him. Every second of them being together, she'd memorize and keep inside of her with the other secrets she held dear to her heart.
He rolled with her until she was under him and he settled between her legs. She held his gaze as he thrust inside of her, gasping at the fullness filling her, the emptiness she'd lived with while away from him disappeared. The pleasure intensified and she arched against him, letting herself feel alive for the first time in so long.
"Don't close your eyes on me," he said, pulling out and plunging back inside of her.
She nodded, taking every inch of him. The tattoo flames wrapping around his ribs from the fire on his back. The whiskered jaw line that rubbed her roughly, reminding her he was close. She'd missed him, but she'd remembered every detail about him. Thought about him every hour, and craved him when they were apart.
Along with the warmth filling her from the inside out, her body trembled around him as if grasping and pulling him closer than two humans thought possible. He was an addiction, and she'd gone too long without having the connection that only he brought her. This messed up connection with him that muddled her thoughts and tied her tighter to him.
He wasn't like other men. He was better.
"You're wet for me," he whispered.
She dug her fingernails into the leather of his cut, bracing herself against his powerful strokes. "Only for you."
He grunted. His hips moved faster, his cock sank deep within her with each stroke. She locked her ankles behind his thighs and pulled up to meet each thrust. His movements took on a sporadic urgency, driving her wild. Her sex pulsed, taking her own arousal higher. She pulled herself closer, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Her breasts rubbed against his shirt. Her lower stomach constricted. Undulating her body, she took and took, reaching for more. He pushed her against the mattress with his weight, adding friction between their bodies. She panted, grasping for the high that was tottering on the edge of consciousness, and then it was there and everything paused.
She stiffened, catapulted into an orgasm. Her muscles spasmed, squeezing his cock, and he growled his own climax in her ear. She continued to hold on to him, and he let her.
When her breathing slowed and she came back to reality, the truth of what was happening between them again settled inside of her tenfold. She shivered. Fear returned as it always did.
"Crystal?" He propped himself up on his elbows, taking his weight from her, and ultimately slipped out of her body. "We've got a big problem."
She nodded, knowing it was true. The trouble following her would infiltrate the club and bring more attention on them. She had to leave and this time, she predicted he'd let her walk away.
Chapter Four
Crystal shut the door to the upstairs bedroom and carried the stack of clothes to the bed. Raul leaned against the dresser, ankles crossed, arms crossed, mood crossed, not saying a word. After he'd made a few necessary phone calls to secure Crystal's location at the club, he'd put word out that she needed clothes. A few of the other women who belonged to the Lagsturns members brought a collection of clothes her size up to the room.
He'd recognized the hidden hostility aimed at Crystal by the women. Not that it was much different before he'd kicked her out of the club the last time. Something about her set off other females. He thought it was jealousy, maybe misrepresentation because Crystal never went out of her way to fit in and seemed aloof to their offer of friendship. He knew a different side of her. She was a warm woman seeking the contact of others, but came across independent and snobby.
Two of the women who brought the clothes—Big Joe's woman Theresa and Duck's woman Jolene, were the closest to her. Though when they delivered the sacks of clothing, both girls glared at Crystal without saying a word. He knew what they were thinking though.
What was Crystal doing back with their president? Where had she been?
He'd give them no answers, and owed them nothing. During the time after he'd made love to Crystal, he'd given her time to take a shower and get her head in the right place. Now it was time to talk.
Crystal dropped the clothes, quickly pulled off Raul's T-shirt he'd let her wear after her shower. Without rifling through the stack, she pulled out a pair of panties, a tank, and shimmied into a pair of cutoffs. At five foot eight inches, she met Raul almost eye to eye with her four-inch heels on her feet. His gaze ran the length of her body. She was the perfect size for him.
Whether in bed or taking her up against a wall, they matched. He curled his fingers into his palm, knowing if he stroked her back the heat from her body would set him on fire.
Her blonde hair, now dried and already messed, hid her bare shoulders as if she had climbed out of his bed moments ago, rather than walked out of the bathroom moments ago. She'd found some of her makeup still in the drawer in the john, because she came out with her hazel eyes lined with black and her red lips pursed.
Those same eyes, so light green when her emotions were high, burned him every time she looked his way. He hardened again, thinking about her full breasts squished against him and her lips moaning his name. He'd never reacted to a woman the way he did with her. Their time apart didn't lessen his response to her.
He had a job to do, and she complicated matters. A job that was life or death with no middle ground.
She patted her hips. "Thanks again for having the girls bring me some clothes."
"That's what the club does. We look out for each other," he said.
Her lips firmed and she shrugged. "Since I don't really belong to you or anyone in the MC, I'll take it for what it was…charity. But, I still appreciate the donations. It'll save me money—she whirled around, one hand going to her head. "God dammit. I didn't have my purse on me when you took me out of the lounge. Shit. That scumbag Dean probably already stole the money out of my purse, if the girls at the lounge hadn't gotten to it yet."