Authors: Aris Whittier
He looked down at her long, delicate, fingers, laced with his.
"I’m not sick."
"Then what are you talking about?" Her chest heaved hard and
fast as she fought for the small breaths of air she managed to force into her
lungs.
His questioning gaze traveled over her face and lingered as he searched her
eyes. "Do you want to do this, Amber? Do you really want to have this
conversation?"
His low voice carried a hint of importance and was what caused a shudder to
crawl through her body. "You’re asking me to turn back and forget
what you just said."
Very calmly he said, "I’m asking you if you’re ready to do
this."
"And if I’m not?"
"We can stop right now."
"It’s not that easy."
"Yes, it is."
"How can you sit here and argue with me about this?"
"I want to be sure—"
"Hell, I’m not sure of anything. From the minute we met
I’ve been questioning everything."
"I know this is hard on you."
"Hard? I don’t even know what’s going on." Amber
shifted restlessly. "You’ve been waiting all this time for me to
remember. Well, I’ve remember and we are not turning back now. Why do you
say it’s your time to go when you’re not sick?" she demanded.
"It’s just my time."
"Goddamnit, explain it to me."
"I can’t put into words how I know, I just do." He raised
her hand and stared at her fingertips before he kissed them. "I’ve
always known."
"You’ve always known that you were going to die?"
He nodded.
"I don’t understand. Doesn’t everyone know that
they’re going to die at some point and time?"
He took a deep, steady breath "There are no words that will ease you
into this." He pushed at her hair and looked her in the eyes.
"Trust me, I’ve racked my brain for the right words, but there
aren’t any."
"If you’re not sick you don’t need to find the right
words," she spoke quickly as her heart pounded noisily in her ears.
"There’s nothing for you to ease me into because you’re
fine."
He shook his head. "It’s my time to go—just like it was
Heather’s time."
She pressed her hand against her mouth to stifle a sob. Oh, God, oh, God,
what was happening? "Please, don’t talk like this."
He touched the tears that welled in her eyes.
"My sister was terminally ill. You’re not."
"Does it really matter what the cause of death is?"
"Yes, it does," she snapped in anger. "Yes, it damn well
does."
He shook his head. "When it’s time it’s time," he
said calmly. "The cause is irrelevant."
She knew he was holding something back. His eyes gave him away. Frightened
breaths escaped her throat, her body fought to keep up with the violent
emotions surging through her. Her fingers trembled like mad in his. "What
aren’t you telling me?" His refusal to speak made her anxious.
"Damn it, you said that you would tell me anything. Tell me what’s
going on."
"I want you there for me." When an odd look transformed her face
he clarified his statement. "Just like you were by Heather’s side I
want you by mine. I
need
you by mine."
"Jesus, Logan." That was all she could take. With both her
hands, she shoved at him as she scrambled across the floor.
"Don’t go," he said reaching a hand out to her.
Quickly, she stood up and moved to the other side of the kitchen. Her body
shook uncontrollably. She moved even farther into the dark corner of the room
as she fought for control. Her breathing grew more ragged and her chest muscles
felt like they were seizing up.
Logan got up, taking a few steps toward her. "Breathe, Amber."
She focused on her breaths but couldn’t control them. "I
can’t do this." She shook her head wildly as she looked toward the
door. "I don’t want to hear any more of this."
"I don’t want you to go."
"Then stop talking like this," she said as she spun around and
looked at him. "The Good Lord decided when it was Heather’s time to
go."
Logan drew in a long breath and let it out slowly. "But you understood
that it was her time."
Amber nodded.
"Then understand that it’s mine." His blue eyes pleaded
with her to grasp what he was saying.
"Who says?" she shouted. "Who the hell said that
it’s your time?"
"The Good Lord is deciding that it’s my time."
"It doesn’t sound like it."
He
pinched
his eyes shut for a moment. "Come
here. I need you by me."
She shook her head and started backing up again.
He opened his eyes. "Yes, I do."
"No."
Reaching for her trembling fingers he held both of their hands to his chest,
over his heart. "In here says it’s time to go. I feel it deep within
me.
Just like I’ve always felt you in here.
I
know."
She struggled to pull her hand free and break all contact with him. He
didn’t loosen his hold any. Instead he tried to gather her closer to him.
"Logan, don’t do this," she cried. "Don’t do
this to us. I just found you. You just found me." Her blue eyes spilled
over with tears and her breath became broken again as she spoke. "Why
would you do this when we have something so beautiful between us? Why would you
want this to end?"
"Amber, slow down." His voice was low and soothing as he touched
the corner of her eyes with delicate care. "No tears. Just take a deep
breath."
"I can’t do this."
"Yes, you can," he said softly. "Breathe."
She sucked in a deep breath and almost choked. "I can’t
breathe." Frantically, she placed her hand against her throat. "Oh,
my God, I can’t breathe." Desperately, she tried to suck in another
breath.
"Of course you can," he said calmly as he pulled her hand away.
Placing his hands on her shoulders, he squeezed gently. His eyes never stopped
moving, constantly watching her as he took in a long breath through his nose,
released the air through his mouth, and encouraged her to do the same thing.
"Nice and slow."
They did this for several minutes until her breathing became normal.
"That’s it, good." He laid his palm against her cheek and
then ran his fingers down the length of her jaw. "Better?"
She nodded. "It’s not a choice we make, Logan. People
don’t just up and decide that they’re going to die."
"I’m not making the choice I’m accepting what’s
going to happen. Remember, there are no rules when it comes to dying."
She closed her eyes.
"I know this is hard for you to understand," he paused.
"That’s why I wanted you to feel it on your own. I didn’t
want to scare you."
"I am scared."
"I know you are. Amber, this is all so much to take in. I didn’t
want to tell you. I just needed…I want to be with you." His voice
dropped to a heart-felt mummer. "I need to be with you. I wanted to have
some time with you before…"
Her eyes opened suddenly.
"Before what?
Before you decide it’s time to die?"
"Don’t say it like that."
She pushed him away from her and would not allow him to come close.
"Like what? How do you want me to say it?" She gave him a hard
glare. "Damn it, answer me."
"Like it is forever."
"It is."
"You don’t believe that." He tried to reach for her but
she ducked away from him. "Amber, stop and think about it."
"I can’t think right now."
He nodded in understanding and he followed her out of the room. "Then
just listen." To his relief, she stopped. "You know it’s not
forever. No one can truly be separated forever." Without thought he
continued. "Heather is not gone forever. My father is not gone forever.
Nor will I be. This is not the first time we’ve met and it won’t be
the last. That is why we are so familiar to each other. We have done this
before. Sometimes you go first. Sometimes I go first. But we always come back
to each other."
Her silence produced a stillness that consumed them both. A deep
understanding, a realization passed between them. The feeling was very similar
to the dream she had had. It went beyond this existence and into the next.
Suddenly, her pain and defenses melted and she needed to understand him.
"Are you talking about suicide?" She choked out the last word.
"No, of course not."
He shook his head.
She watched him closely.
"No, it’s not like that at all," he said in a low voice,
watching to see if she believed him. "I promise."
"Why did you bother to find me? Why spend a lifetime looking for the
right person when it can’t last."
His eyes softened as he answered her question. "Because I knew I
didn’t want to go before I experienced this." He looked between
them. "Even if it meant it was only for a short period of time I had to
know what it was like to be with you."
"When you say
go
do you mean die?"
"No one ever really dies." He took a small, hesitant step toward
her. "Most people don’t see it that way. They see death as harsh
and cruel and extremely sad.
When it’s just the
opposite."
Her eyebrows shot up. "And you think I see it as some glorious
event."
"You understand that it’s not an end. Heather showed you that
death is nothing to fear. Don’t turn away." Taking her by the
shoulders, he turned her toward him. "Look at me."
"I can’t."
"Why?"
Tears were streaming down her cheeks. She could taste them as they rolled
across her lips and fell into her mouth. "Because when I do I see that
calm understanding that is such a part of you and it frightens me."
"But you also see the truth, don’t you?" He didn’t give
her time to answer the question. "Amber, we can’t change what is
meant to happen to us. It has already been mapped out. We have been put on our
paths." He raised his shoulders. "My time is over soon and I accept
that."
"Aren’t you frightened?"
He shook his head. "No. You have to be afraid of it in order for it to
frighten you. I’m not afraid to die."
"Why?"
"It’s something we all must do."
"But most of us never know when it’s going to happen."
"And then there are some of us that do." When her body relaxed
under his touch, he gathered her into his embrace. With his hand, he cupped the
back of her head and held it against his chest.
"I knew you were going to die before I came in, didn’t I?"
He nodded.
"That’s why you wanted me to remember."
"Yes. That last day that I saw you we both knew what would be ahead of
us."
"I don’t understand why I would ever agree to this."
He smiled softly. "We agree to all sorts of things in order to learn
our life lessons."
"I can’t imagine what I will learn from this other than
heartache. What I felt today was the worst feeling I’ve ever felt in my
life. I can’t image ever going through—"
"Shh," he said. "We will deal with that when the time
comes. For now we need to enjoy the time we have together."
"How long?"
"That I don’t know," he said honestly.
"Can we lie down? I’m exhausted."
"Of course."
It wasn’t until four days later the tension had eased enough that
Logan and Amber could settle back into the quiet peacefulness that so easily
surrounded them. It had taken a lot of talking, many hours of explaining, and a
heavy dose of accepting but both Logan and Amber were able to find some peace
and understanding amongst the perplexity of their situation.
So now, as Logan tended the grill and Amber watered the plants, they enjoyed
the moments they were together.
Logan lifted the grill lid and inspected their dinner. "About ten
minutes," he said.
Amber finished watering the potted plant and set down the watering can.
"I’ll get the salad and the bread," she said as she slid open
the screen door and walked in. She smiled when Logan swatted her backside as
she walked past him. "Do you want iced tea," she called out to him.
"I’ll have a beer," he hollered back.
"I think I’ll have one too," she said to herself as she
grabbed a second bottle from the refrigerator.
"I know we were going to watch a movie, but I have several overseas
conference calls I need to make this evening," Logan said to Amber as she
brought out the salad and set in on the table in between the two place settings.
"I’m sorry but maybe we can do it tomorrow night."
On her way back into the house she stopped and kissed him. "You
don’t have to apologize. You spend every moment with me. I understand you
need to work. I’ll find something to do. I might even call Rachael and go
out with her."
Logan placed the steaks on the patter and turned the grill off. They almost
bumped into each other at the table.
"Oh, I almost forgot. Your mom called today."
"What did she have to say?"
"She invited us up to see them." She pried the cap off of his
beer and handed it to him. "She said instead of them coming down we could
head up there. She said that you hadn’t been up in a long time and that I
was probably the only one who could talk you into going."
"It has been a while since I’ve been home." As Logan took
the beer from her he kissed her. "What do you think?"
"I would love to see them again." She worked the cap off her own
beer. "I’d also love to see where you grew up."
"You pick the day and we’ll go."
"I’ll give her a call this evening and set things up."
After dinner they cleaned up together and then returned outside to enjoy the
rest of the evening.
"The sun is setting," Logan said as he turned the chair toward
the horizon. "Come sit with me."
Amber moved to him. After watching the sun for a few minutes she said,
"Will you miss them when you’re gone?"
Logan didn’t pretend like he didn’t know what she was talking
about. He wouldn’t do that to her, he couldn’t. "You say it
like I’ll never see them again."
"How can you be so sure that you will?"
"You told me that you’d see Heather again," He reminded
her. "Don’t you believe that you will?"
She lifted her shoulders. "I think I’ve convinced myself that I
believe it because it’s less painful. But deep down I’m not really
sure."
He nuzzled her hair with his face. "Deep down, I am sure. I will see
my family again." He touched the corner of her eyes. "Why do you
look so sad?"
She just shrugged again.
"They will be okay."
"You don’t know that."
"Yes, I do." A soothing subtle tone lifted his voice.
"It’s a transition, Amber that’s all that it is. It’s
part of life."
"Is it?"
"We all must die," he said softly.
"But not the way you’re dying. You’re choosing it.
You’re deciding when it happens."
"Not really. It happens when it’s meant to happen."
"But you’re letting go."
He thought for a long time and then he finally spoke. "Do you think if
Heather fought really hard she could have lived one more hour or maybe one more
day or even one more week?"
"She probably could have. She was a fighter."
"I’m sure she was, but she chose to let go. It was time. She
could have fought, but why? What would it have been for? What would that extra
hour, that extra day, or that extra week have been for?"
"To live," she said.
"But she did live. She lived life to the fullest." His voice
dropped to a mere murmur as he helped her understand what he was trying to say.
"Heather accepted it was time and therefore she let go." As Amber
nodded in agreement, he looked at her and thought about what she was going
through. He thought about how hard all this was for her. He was born
understanding this, but for her it was all new and frightening. "Although
it may be hard, my family will accept my death without bitterness. They will learn
from it and grow from it."
She lifted her eyes to his and with an honest look she asked, "And
will I learn and grow too?"
"Of course you will."
"What will I learn?"
"You’ll learn that you are strong. That you are
limitless." He smiled at her as he traced a finger over her features.
"You’ll learn not to be afraid because nothing can hurt you.
You’ll learn how to move on and how to embrace precious memories."
"And that’s all this will be—just a memory," she
hesitated, and then said, "That’s all you’ll be."
"We all become memories at some point and time." He kissed the
tip of her nose. "It’s going to be okay."
"I know it is," she agreed. "The look in your eyes tells
me it is. It’s the same look Heather had." Turning, she glanced at
the sun then back to him. "How many more of these do we have left?"
"I’m not sure." He looked at his watch. "I
don’t want to do this but my conference calls will be starting in less
than ten minutes. Unfortunately I can’t reschedule them."
She sat forward so he could get up. "I think I’ll sit out here a
while longer before I call your mom."
Logan leaned down, lifted her chin and then kissed her softly.
****
Amber loved the plane ride to Napa Valley. Though she thought it had ended
much too soon. It was nice to get away and be with Logan’s family again.
She hadn’t realized how much she had missed them. She also hadn’t
realized how attached she had grown to them over the months.
Though it wasn’t really that surprising Amber had struck up a
friendship with Anna that was comparable to the one she had had with Heather.
Anna was kind and outgoing and funny. Marian was the type of mother she had
always dreamt of having. Over the weeks Marian would call just to say hi and
see how she and Logan were doing. Their conversations were usually about
nothing in particular and she enjoyed them immensely. Logan claimed they were
annoying but Amber had found the unexpected calls delightful and she secretly
thought Logan took great pleasure in knowing that she and Marian were growing
closer with each call. And Kevin, well Kevin made her feel like a kid again.
And she absolutely loved to see Logan and Kevin together.
To say they made her feel like one of the
family
didn’t even come close to what Amber felt when she was with them. It was
like she had always been a part of their family. What she loved the most about
all of them being together was they made each other laughed and smile
incessantly.
"Come here," Logan whispered into Amber’s ear as he
watched his mom disappear down the hall.
"Where are we going," Amber whispered back with a grin.
"Anywhere.
If we’re here when she comes
back she’ll just keep talking."
"She misses you and is excited to have you home," Amber
insisted.
"Well, I miss you and need to be alone with you," He said as he
quietly pulled her through the house and out the backdoor. He didn’t
allow the screen door to slam itself shut. Instead he released it slowly so it
wouldn’t make a noise.
"You’re sneaky, you know that?"
Logan held his fingers to his lips. "Shh, she’ll hear us."
Amber smacked his chest playfully with the back of her hand.
"You’re terrible."
He led her across the backyard, past the garden. "If I have to hear
another story about when I was a kid I’ll scream."
"That’s very grown up of you."
"You’re right. It will just give her another story to
tell," he replied wearily.
Amber was excited when she saw a small building that was mostly consumed by
a large vine, come into view. "Is that the infamous shed where you held
poor little Buttercup hostage?"
He opened the door for her. "It really wasn’t that
dramatic."
Amber stepped in and looked around at all the clutter. "I think
flinging—"
"Launched," Logan corrected as he picked up an old fly fishing
rod and inspected it. "I was going to launch Buttercup."
"Pardon me." She looked at some of the items hanging from the
rafters and stacked on the shelves. "Was this yours?" She held up a
trophy that had a bee on the top of it. She blew the dust off the plaque.
"You won your sixth grade spelling bee."
"I did?"
"According to this trophy you did." With her thumb she wiped the
rest of the dust away. "You actually spelled this word." She turned
it so he could read it. "I don’t even know how to pronounce
it."
"
Mangokpok
," he said.
"What does it mean?" she asked.
"I don’t remember, but I believe it is an Eskimo word for wet
snow or something like that."
She set the trophy back and paused. "Wait."
"What is it?"
She slowly turned. "When you were younger we were always
together—I mean that is until I came here."
He nodded.
"I must have known about the crazy Buttercup scheme."
"Yes, you did."
"I couldn’t have possibly gone a long with it. Please tell me I
at least tried to talk some sense into you."
He laid the rod on the workbench and moved to her. With the back of his
fingers he brushed her cheek gently. "My dear, you were the one that
suggested we use duct tape."
Her grin slowly grew. "I was your partner in crime?"
Logan pulled her in for a kiss. "You have been my partner in
everything I’ve ever done," he whispered on her lips.
"Whether you’re in spirit form, physical form, or I was waiting for
you—it makes no difference you are my other half in everything I
do." He took her hand in his and led her out of the shed to the far side
of the house. "I want to show you something."
"Our oak tree," she said breathlessly when she saw the large
tree.
"Do you remember it?" he asked hopefully.
"I remember you telling me about it."
Logan watched her closely as she circled the tree, looking up into the
great, expansion of gangly branches, mesmerized. He could see she was fighting
to remember. He felt his breaths deepen and the pace of his heart quicken as he
watched her. All the times they had shared came rushing back to him.
"He used to sit in that tree all the time and talk to himself."
Both Logan and Amber turned with a slight jump at the voice.
Marian smiled. "I didn’t mean to startle you." She held
the rake with one hand and pointed with the other. "He’d sit on
that branch right there."
Amber looked to where Marian was pointing.
"At first I just thought he was reading out loud because he always had
a book with him." She looked at her son. "But then I caught him a
few times carrying on a conversation and he didn’t have a book anywhere
near him." Her attention shifted to Amber. "He was in his own little
world and he was as happy as could be sitting in that tree just chatting away.
He did it for years." She shook her head solemnly. "But then things
changed."
"What do you mean," Amber asked curiously.
"When Logan was about ten or eleven he stopped climbing this old tree.
He also stopped talking to himself." She looked over at Logan. "Do
you remember that? I tried to talk to you about it but you just told me you
were fine. At first I was glad because the way he used to haphazardly scramble
up to the highest spot, flip open a book, and start reading, I honestly thought
he’d fall out and break his neck. But then I saw how sad he was and I
just wished he’d climb this old tree again." She looked at Logan
again. "Do you remember me trying to get you to climb it? I told him
I’d climb the tree with him, but he refused."
Amber looked at Logan. "You didn’t climb the tree
anymore?"
He just shook his head.
"No need to worry me dear. He got over it. I think he was just growing
up," Marian said reasonably. "He knew he couldn’t sit in
trees and have imaginary friends forever.
Shortly after he
was on a mission.
Weren’t you, Sweetie? He had things to do and he
meant to do them." She lifted up the rake, "Dinner will be in about
an hour. Anna and Kevin should be here soon, too," she said as she turned
and disappeared behind the back of the house.
Amber stood there quietly. She had never really thought how hard it was for
him to be without her. He’d been so young when she had left and she could
only imagine how lonely he must have been. How hard it must have been for him.
Moving to him she said, "I’m sorry you had to spend all those years
alone without me."
Logan reached up and pulled a leaf off the tree.
"Will you tell me what it was like after I left? How did you get
through?"
"It’s hard for me to be without you." He stared at the
leaf in his hand. "At first I was excited knowing that you were coming
here. But as the days passed I couldn’t help but become lonely. I kept
looking for you.
Waiting for you to appear.
I had
gotten so used to you always being there. It would hit me hard during those
moments when I realized I couldn’t see you anymore."
"How would I come to you? I’m curious how it all worked."
He looked at her. "You’d just show up, it was as simple as that.
We rarely let an hour or two go by without seeing each other. All I had to do
was think about you and you would appear. You know you needed me just as much
as I needed you. There were times when you needed to go or you couldn’t
stay and you cried because you had to leave me. Those times hurt because I
hated seeing you sad."