Authors: NM Facile
what had happened. I suppose he had told me, too, but that was the first time I remembered understanding it. “Even with the seat belt and airbag, it
sometimes happens. The force of the impact caused a significant rip to his aorta. He bled internal y before help could even get there. Even if they
had gotten to him quickly, I don’t think it would have made any difference. The tear was too severe.”
I rol ed over and buried my head in the pil ow. I constantly had flashes like this over the past couple weeks. Sometimes they were mixed in with
the events surrounding my mother’s death too. I couldn’t seem to stop them. They came mostly at times when I tried to sleep. After the night I had
been given the Ambien, I’d refused any type of sedative. I didn’t like the void -- the sheer nothingness -- I couldn’t pul myself out of. I would rather
deal with whatever state my own mind put me in than that black hole. I actively tried to push any thoughts from my mind as I repeated a lul aby in my
mind over and over. Final y, Quinn came in and laid down beside me. He pul ed me to him and just held me with my ear resting against his chest.
Soon the lul aby turned into numbers as I counted the beats of his heart.
I felt him drift off to sleep next to me. Quinn had been my constant these past few weeks. I was grateful for his presence. He let me be without
asking questions. He didn’t try to push me to deal with my grief. He just accepted whatever mood I was in and adjusted himself accordingly.
It was hard to watch al those around me go on with life as normal. I wanted badly to do that, too. I needed the escape it would bring me. Kai had
made arrangements with al my professors to turn my work in and take my tests after break. I appreciated it, but I needed to be doing something. I
turned most of it in. Quinn convinced me not to take any of my end of the semester tests until I came back.
Everyone was finished now. They had al left for their vacations. Kerri and Reed went to visit Reed’s family. It would be the first time Kerri would
meet his family. Kai brought Sloane home with her. They had al invited me to go with them. I knew they real y meant it, and it wasn’t just out of pity.
But I didn’t want to bring down anyone’s holiday cheer.
That was the reason Jason had been over earlier. Brad had been home for awhile. He was recovering from a col apsed lung. Jason had wanted
me to go to Lakeport with him. I couldn’t do it, it was too close to Quarry Springs. That and there was just too much of Dad there, and I knew that I
wasn’t ready for that yet. I had to keep the bandage on however I could; because once it came off I knew I wouldn’t be able to stop whatever poured
out. I wanted to be alone when that happened. I went back to counting Quinn’s heart beats until I dozed fitful y.
Quinn was already up and in the other room when I awoke with a start. I had dreamed that I was in Kai’s car, tel ing Dad that everything was fine
and I would see him at Christmas. Then the picture morphed into that black urn with a red bow on it. I laid there and let my heart rate slow down as I
realized today was the day I would have been heading back to Quarry Springs to have Christmas with Dad.
I final y got up and gathered things for a shower. I could hear Quinn in the kitchen. I hoped he wasn’t making anything for me. I didn’t feel like
eating. I slipped into the bathroom as quietly as I could. I didn’t want Quinn to know I was awake yet. I was in a bad mood, and I just wanted to be
alone.
This would be my first Christmas alone. Christmases had never been a huge affair for us since mom’s death, but I had always had Dad. Now it
was just me. I was an orphan. I would never go home again for my family Christmas or Thanksgiving or Easter or any holiday. I was truly alone. I was
empty and hol ow and just couldn’t make myself feel anything.
I didn’t know what to do with myself. The others had agreed to have our own little Christmas party after everyone came back from break. I hadn’t
been ready for anything before they left, and they were al giving me time. I would have to go shopping before they came back and buy some gifts.
Maybe shopping would help me feel normal again. I hadn’t even been to the grocery store. Quinn had been taking care of al of that for me.
I finished my shower, dressed, and went back to the bedroom. I just wanted to be alone. No one left me alone. I wasn’t going to do anything and
Beau wasn’t in the picture, so I didn’t understand why they couldn’t just back off and give me my space. I opened the curtains to look out at the gray
day. It was a lot like my mood.
I stood there and watched the cars drive by. Everyone was going on and I was here. I needed to move on. Dad wasn’t coming back, and I had to
get use to that. It wasn’t fair. It shouldn’t have been him. He should have just waited. Damn Jason for tel ing Brad. No, it wasn’t Jason’s fault. It was
mine. I slapped the wal next to me in frustration. It was my fault that Dad was out in that weather. If I had just told him the truth.
There was a light tap on the door as it opened. “Sylvia?” Quinn whispered his voice ful of concern.
“What Quinn? What do you want?” I had no excuse to snap at him like that, but I couldn’t stop it.
“I just wanted to see if you wanted something to eat.” He was standing in the doorway with his hands in the pockets of his jeans. His eyes were
scanning my face, trying to figure out where the attitude was coming from.
“If I wanted to eat I would come out and make something for myself. You don’t need to be doing everything for me. I’m a big girl. I can make my
own food. You can barely cook anyway.” The last I muttered under my breath.
“I’m sorry, Sylvia, I’l just let you rest.” He started to back out of the door but I wasn’t done with him yet.
“Just go home, Quinn. You don’t need to be here.” I had had enough of him.
“Sylvia, I just want to make sure you are okay.” He stepped towards me with his arms outstretched. I stepped to the side to avoid his arms. He
sighed and ran his hand through his hair before dropping them to his side.
“Don’t you get it? My dad is gone and it’s my fault. I am not okay. I wil never be okay. But I can’t stop life for everyone else.” I yel ed it as I stepped
away from him.
“Sylvia...”
“No. I don’t want to hear it. Just leave. I can’t breathe with everyone hovering around me al the time. You al think I’m just going to get over it and
get back to normal, but it doesn’t work that way. It’s not going to be normal ever again. He’s gone. I need to cope, to get used to it, to adjust. But
going back to the way things were is never going to happen.”
“We al understand that. No one expects you to just go back. We just want to see you doing alright. We’re worried about you. You never leave the
apartment, you barely eat or sleep. You just sit and stare at books you aren’t even reading. Please, Sylvia...”
“Do you know what today is?” Quinn shook his head. “Today was the day I was supposed to go home for Christmas. When I left, I told Dad
everything was going to be fine and that I would see him for Christmas. I lied to my dad the last time I saw him. Everything wasn’t fine and because
of that he’s not here for Christmas.”
I had to turn away. Quinn’s brown eyes were ful of pity and my own were starting to sting.
“Go home, Quinn. Go see your parents. Enjoy them while you have them. You need to be with them for Christmas, not here with me.” I said it
quietly, trying to get the words around the lump that was forming in my throat.
“Sylvia, I’m not leaving you. I told you that. Mom and Dad know that I’m not going to leave you alone and they are fine with that. They understand.”
He moved closer to me again. This time I pushed him away.
“You don’t get it. I. DON’T. WANT. YOU. HERE.” I shouted it at him giving him a shove with each word. “Just get the hel out.”
He wrapped his arms around me and pul ed me to him tighter. I didn’t want this. I struggled in his arms, fighting to get myself free. I kicked out at
his shin and he let me go. I backed away feeling a little like a trapped animal.
“Sylvia, just calm down. Take a deep breath. It’s going to be alright.” I think he was trying to convince himself of that more than me. I could feel the
tears coming. It was al just building, and I didn’t want him to witness it when the dam broke.
“I never asked you for your help. I don’t want it. I’m sick of you being here. If it weren’t for you, I would never have stayed with Beau so long in the
first place. It’s your fault I stayed with him, and it’s your fault I didn’t tel Dad.” The pressure was building with every lie I told. I couldn’t take the look on
his face. He was crushed. His whole face crumpled with pain and guilt. I forced myself to stay and watch as I completed this. “So just get the fuck
out!”
I watched as his eyes wel ed up with tears and his lips trembled. I pointed at the door. I could see that he was warring within himself. I was afraid
he wouldn’t leave.
“If you don’t go, I wil .”
He turned and left the room, his shoulders hunched in utter defeat. I watched him walk down the hal . I stepped to the door in the bedroom and
kept my eyes on him as he grabbed his jacket and a few other things. When he reached the front door he turned back to look at me. I stared back,
trying to keep my face hard and the tears hidden. It looked as if he wanted to say something but thought better of it. He opened the door and walked
out. As soon as I heard the door slam, I threw myself on my bed letting it al come out.
I cried for hours. I let al the hurt and frustration out. I screamed and I kicked. I yel ed at my father for being so damn overprotective and going out
in a storm. I yel ed at him for leaving me when I needed him. I paced around the apartment ranting about Jason tel ing Brad. I cursed at myself for
being so stupid to have fal en for someone like Beau. I raged over everything in my life, things that were long past I let out. For my mom dying and
my dad for him never moving on, for always having to be the one to take care of everything. It wasn’t fair. Nothing had been fair. I cried for Quinn
leaving me, for never being more for Jason, and for losing my dad. Final y I cried for myself.
I let al the hurt, anger and guilt pour from me. The tears came in torrents, flooding down my face, soaking my clothes and my pil ows when I final y
went back to my bed. Slowly they turned into a trickle. My head hurt and my throat ached and my body was too heavy to lift. I laid in my bed and let
the darkness pul me under into a ful , dreamless, healing sleep.
The first thing I was aware of was the complete stil ness around me. There were no voices in the other room, no TV or music, no Quinn moving
around, and no Quinn breathing beside me. For a moment I was just relieved. Then I remembered the day before, and al the things I had said to
him. My heart ached for what I had done. I hadn’t meant any of it. I’d lashed out and hurt the one person who honestly loved me and just wanted me
to be okay.
I had to tel him. I had to let him know I didn’t mean it. I went over and knocked on his door. When he didn’t answer, I was worried. Maybe he didn’t
want to talk to me. I walked back into my apartment and searched al over for my phone. I’d thrown it down the hal last night when it had started
ringing. There were missed cal s from Kai. Nothing from Quinn. I didn’t know if that was good or bad. I stared at the phone, working up my nerve to
cal him. Final y I hit his number. It went to voice-mail. I left a message tel ing him I was sorry and I hadn’t meant it. I begged him to cal me. I was stil
apologizing when it cut me off. I debated on cal ing him back, but sent him a text instead.
When I didn’t hear back, I decided to clean myself up. I felt like hel and I was sure I looked like it, too. I went to my room to get clothes and saw
some of Quinn’s clothes in a pile on top of the dresser. I hadn’t noticed them before. I looked around and saw more signs of Quinn. There were
shoes and books and other little things of his. I walked back to the bathroom and saw his shampoo and soap in the shower. There was a razor and
deodorant on the counter. When my eyes landed on his toothbrush in the holder next to mine, it hit me. I wanted him there. With him here I wouldn’t
be alone.
I went back to my room to get clothes. I grabbed a simple white t-shirt off his pile of clothes and some stuff from my drawers, then I went back and
showered. Once I was in the shower I realized there was the faint scent of him stil lingering behind. I picked up his soap and inhaled deeply before
lathering it into my loofah. I smiled when I thought of him being in here.
I don’t know when he moved more of his stuff over. It must have been a gradual process. I did know I didn’t want him to take it al back. In fact, I
wanted more of it here. I got out, ready to do whatever I needed to get him back. I hurried and dressed and checked my phone. There was a new
text.
How are you today - Q
I smiled and realized that for the first time in weeks I didn’t feel numb. There was stil the lingering deep sadness over Dad and the guilt of what I
had said to Quinn, but there was feeling.
I’m better than I have been. Did you get my messages? - S
He replied quickly.
Yes. It’s good to hear that you are doing better. What are you doing now? - Q
Missing you. What are you doing? - S
My phone buzzed as there was a knock on my door. I walked over to answer it as I checked Quinn’s text.
I’m about to knock on your door. - Q
The door flew open and Sylvia stood there a few seconds -- with the biggest smile I have seen on her face in a long time -- before launching