Act of Will (2 page)

Drawing to a standstill at last, Christina looked directly at her mother and smiled ruefully, her greyish-blue eyes filled with concern. For the first time she noticed the weariness etched on Audra’s face and she bit her lip, frowning.

‘You must be bone tired and terribly jet-lagged, darling,’ she exclaimed. ‘How selfish we’ve been since you arrived yesterday. We haven’t given you a chance to catch your breath. I’d better pack you off for a rest before we go out to dinner.’

‘No, not just yet, Christie. I’m all right, really I am,’ Audra said.

Christina crossed to the sofa, sat down next to Audra and took her hand. She held it tightly, looked into her mother’s lined face, swamped by the deep and abiding love she felt for her. She shook her head and her smoky gaze was tender as she said, ‘Kyle’s judgement might be cockeyed about some things, but she could easily be right about dragging you all this way,
needlessly
—’ Abruptly she stopped. Guilt flooded through her. Her mother was seventy years old, almost seventy-one, and should not be exposed to their problems at this time in her life. She and Alex ought to be capable of dealing with their recalcitrant daughter themselves. Irritated at the thought of their ineptitude, Christina cried, ‘We haven’t been fair to you, expecting you to cope with us and our mess when you could be at home with Daddy! You could be pottering around in your garden, or going off on your little day trips to the seaside—certainly leading a tranquil life. You must think Alex and I are a couple of imbeciles!’

‘Don’t be so silly.’ Audra squeezed Christina’s slender hand, so different from hers, gnarled as it was by arthritis. ‘You know what your father always says—that I’d come to you no matter what it entailed if you needed me, and even if I had to walk the three thousand miles to get here. I love you, Christie, and I love that granddaughter of mine, and Alex. I can’t bear to see you all so unhappy.’

Christina confided in a low, tense voice, ‘It’s so wrong of Kyle to abandon her courses at the Fashion Institute and to spurn my business the way she is doing. Having her take over from me one day has always been a cherished dream of mine.’ These last few words caught in her throat and she had to steady herself before she could continue, ‘Oh Mum, what’s it all been
about
? What’s all my hard work been
for
, if Kyle walks away?’ Christina’s eyes welled with tears and she averted her head, blinking.

Audra felt a pang of sympathy, and her heart went out to her daughter. In an effort to comfort her, she murmured, ‘But Christie darling, you’ve derived a great deal of pleasure and satisfaction from your designing, and making a name for yourself in the fashion world has always been important to you, as well as a challenge. What you’ve accomplished, your staggering achievements and success—why surely these things must be gratifying to you…’ Audra let her sentence trail off. She was incapable of finishing it. How hollow the words are, she thought.

I, and I alone, know what Christina sacrificed, what it cost her to create the business. She paid a high price, a terrible price, really. That’s why she’s so emotional about it, why she can’t stand Kyle’s rejection of it now
.

Having regained her composure, Christina was remarking in a more level voice, ‘The last two weeks have been sheer purgatory with Kyle, Mother. She’s downright
stubborn. Her implacability astounds me. Unnerves me, actually. I’ve never met anyone like her.’

Oh
, Audra thought,
haven’t you
? She threw her daughter a startled glance but she wisely said nothing. This was not the time to start delving into ancient events; there was already far too much turbulence and emotional upset in this family as it was. And so adopting a positive manner, Audra said, ‘Kyle and I have always been such good friends since she was a child, and that’s one of the reasons we decided I should come to New York, isn’t it? Anyway, I promised to spend the day with her tomorrow. I’m sure she wants to unburden herself to me, and I am more than ready to listen.’

‘But you will
talk
to her, won’t you? I mean as well as listen.’ Without waiting for a reply, Christina plunged on, ‘She respects you, pays attention to you, wants to please you. So you will make her see reason, won’t you, Mummy?’

Audra nodded, although she had her misgivings, and managed to say encouragingly, ‘Yes, I will, and somehow we’ll sort this out, Christie.’

For the first time in days Christina felt a little of the heaviness lifting from her and her tired eyes brightened. She leaned into Audra, kissed her wrinkled cheek, very tenderly, then rested her head on her mother’s shoulder. ‘I’m so glad you’re here, Mam. You’re such a comfort, and I know you’ll make everything come out right, as you always have.’

Mam
, Audra repeated silently. For years it had been Mummy or Mum or Mother.
Mam
was the childhood name. Hearing it now, suddenly, after all these years made Audra flinch. It evoked so many memories, not all of them happy ones. Then a rush of warmth and love filled her throat and for a moment she could not speak.
Automatically she lifted her hand and stroked Christina’s glossy hair. It’s true, old habits die hard, Audra thought, bending down, kissing the top of her daughter’s head. All that money, all that power, all that fame, but she’s still my little girl. I can’t stand to see her distressed in this way. But then there is also Kyle. My only grandchild, and
her
unhappiness is insupportable. What a dilemma. Skating on thin ice between the two of them. Oh, dear God, wherever will I find the wisdom and strength to help each one without somehow inflicting hurt on the other.

Growing conscious that her daughter was waiting for a response, Audra clamped down on her worries. ‘I can only
try
to make things come out right for you, Christie,’ she said softly. ‘I told you, when I arrived, that I’m not going to take sides. Anyway, Kyle is correct about it being
her
life. And she does have the right to live it the way she sees fit.’

Straightening up, Christina nodded slowly. ‘Yes,’ she replied evenly, ‘I know what you mean. But she’s very young and inexperienced, and she can’t possibly know her own mind. Not yet, at any rate.’ Rising, Christina walked over to one of the French windows, stood gazing out at the terrace. Then she swung around and gave Audra a penetrating look. ‘Rejecting my business out of hand is not only foolish but irresponsible of her, wouldn’t you say?’

‘Well, yes,’ Audra felt bound to agree, yet she had the need to defend her granddaughter, and could not help adding, ‘Still, Kyle is intelligent, as well as being a spirited and independent girl. And, you know, I also find her very wise for someone her age.’ Audra paused, thinking: Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, and I might as well say it all. Taking a deep breath, she finished in her firmest
manner, ‘I just want you to give some consideration to
her
needs,
her
desires, as well as your own. Promise me that you will.’

Christina was startled, and there was a brief silence before she muttered, ‘All right… yes… I promise.’

It struck Audra that there was a lingering reluctance in this promise. Slowly and very carefully, she said, ‘Once, a long time ago, I told you that a child is only lent to you, Christina. Don’t ever forget that.’

Christina stared at Audra and the strangest expression crossed her face. She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it. She swung away, focusing her eyes on the terrace once more, as she reflected on her mother’s words.

Absently, Audra pushed a strand of silver hair away from her face, and sat back, watching, waiting. She saw her daughter’s shoulders droop in dejection, saw at once the pensive expression settling on her pretty mouth. Yes, she’s remembering, Audra thought. And I’ve said enough for today. Maybe too much, if the truth be known. It would be wiser to let things rest where they are for the present.

Gripping the arm of the sofa, Audra pulled herself to her feet a bit unsteadily, exhaustion finally getting the better of her. ‘I think I will have a rest before dinner, perhaps try to get a little sleep,’ she said.

‘Yes, yes, you should,’ Christina responded swiftly. She went quickly to Audra’s side, put her arm around her shoulders lovingly, and escorted her out of the room.

Half an hour later Audra was still wide awake, much to her own irritation. Try though she might to sleep, she was unable to do so. Christina had accompanied her to the guest suite at the far end of the penthouse, had closed the curtains, plumped up the bed pillows, and generally fussed solicitously until Audra had impatiently waved her
out. Glad to be alone at last, Audra had undressed, slipped on a robe and stretched out on the bed. She had done so gratefully. Every bone in her body ached, she was debilitated by jet-lag and her hands and knees throbbed painfully as her arthritis flared. But the moment her head touched the pillow her mind had started to race.

Mostly Audra was worried that she had made a terrible mistake in coming to New York. Might it not have been more prudent to refuse Alex’s request, and leave them alone to battle it out between themselves? she wondered. And it
was
going to be a battle, Audra was quite positive of that. It would be a trial of strength. Christie would worry it through, refusing to let go, tenacious to the end; Kyle would dig her heels in, equally stubborn and determined to win no matter what the cost to everyone involved. The stakes were so high neither of them could possibly act in any other way. Where was it all going to end? In disaster, she suspected. They couldn’t both win. One of them would have to lose. And the loser would be bitter and resentful.

I have to find a way to help them settle this, Audra told herself, then with a stab of dismay she wondered how. If Alex, who was intelligent, diplomatic and persuasive, had been unable to arbitrate their differences, then surely she would not be able to influence them either. I
must
find a way, she muttered.

With a sigh of weariness, Audra opened her eyes, acknowledging that sleep was going to evade her. The spacious bedroom looked as tranquil as it always did in the gentle light seeping in through the curtains. Usually the blue-and-white colour scheme, elegant furnishings and opulent comfort engendered a sense of well-being in her, soothed her. But these feelings were sadly absent tonight.

Audra shivered. The early evening breeze blowing in through the window was cool now and there was a sharp tinge of dampness in the air; it seemed to penetrate her joints. Shivering again she drew the quilt up over her body and reached for her pills. Putting one in her mouth, she washed it down with a sip of water, reminding herself that this was her third; the doctor had warned her not to take more than four in one day.

Sometimes she wondered about her arthritis, wondered if her hard life, all the gruelling work, had not contributed to her present condition. Doctor Findlay said it hadn’t, but when she thought of the endless scrubbing and cleaning and washing and ironing, the terrible drudgery that had been her lot for so many years, she could not help pondering. Well, those days had long since gone. In her old age she had a life of ease.

As she put the tumbler back on the bedside table her glance fell on the photograph standing near the cobalt-blue glass lamp. Audra turned on her side, rested herself on one elbow and gazed at it thoughtfully.

Three faces stared back at her. Christina’s, Kyle’s and her own.

The picture had been taken last summer, in her rose garden in Yorkshire. What a wonderfully happy day that had been… her seventieth birthday. The weather had been glorious, as the colour photograph attested.

After a little tea party on the terrace, Alex had insisted on taking this picture. In honour of the occasion and for posterity, he had laughingly said, as he had lined them up near the old stone sundial, a few steps to the right of her best hybrid tea roses.

Vincent had stood next to him, smiling benignly, looking inordinately pleased with himself and his family, but most especially with her. She recalled how she had smiled
back at him, thinking that he looked handsome and distinguished at seventy-four, and her love for him had swelled in her.

And at that exact moment Alex had snapped his camera and captured that love as it spilled out of her eyes.

They had come a long way together, she and Vincent Crowther.

They had had their struggles and more than their fair share of trouble. And pain and heartbreak, too. But they had survived it all, and their marriage had survived, which was the most important thing. And they were content with each other. At last, in their old age. Over fifty years they had been married. Funny, it didn’t seem that long… how fast the time had slipped by.

Audra focused her attention on the photograph, studying it more intently.

Three generations, she murmured under her breath. But we don’t look as if we’re related. We might easily be strangers, as disparate in appearance as any three women could be. And yet we are very much alike deep down within ourselves.

Almost half a century ago Vincent told me that I had an implacable will. He said I was relentless and propelled by a terrible driving force within myself. He was very angry that day. And I was angry, too. And hurt. But he spoke the truth. And they have inherited those characteristics from me… my daughter, my granddaughter. When Christina was a child I committed an act of will that changed all of our lives irrevocably. And then when she was a young woman Christina repeated the pattern, performed an act of will of her own that was as powerful as mine. Now it is Kyle’s turn… she is on the verge of doing the same. And, as before, our lives won’t ever be the same again.

Audra sat up with a jolt, sudden comprehension flickering on her face. ‘I am to blame,’ she said aloud to the silent room, and then she thought: If I had done things differently, things would be different now. Everything that is happening
now
harks back to me when I was a young woman.
Cause and effect
. Every act we commit, trivial or important, has its inevitable consequences. It’s like throwing a pebble into a pool and watching the ripples spread out… farther and farther, ever far reaching.