Advent (16 page)

 
‘I’m not really supposed to go that way,’ she mumbled.

 
‘What? Why not?’

 
‘It’s not good for me.’

 
‘What isn’t?’

 
‘Going, you know. By the gate.’ The word ‘gate’ came out with a tiny clutch in the throat, as if she’d said ‘graveyard’ or ‘quicksand’.

 
‘You mean you never go to the lodge? Aunt Gwen’s house?’

 
Her hands fidgeted. ‘Yes, I’ve been there a few times, but I’m not supposed—’

 
‘You did last night.’

 
‘What?’

 
‘Last night, when you were sleepwalking. I saw you.’

 
She stared wide-eyed. Her voice fell to a guilty whisper. ‘Did you? Where?’

 
‘Come on.’ He started back towards the path and after a few moments she followed. ‘I was in the room downstairs and I heard this banging on the door and I looked out of the window and it was you.’

 
‘Me?’

 
‘Look at your hand. No, the other one. See that bruise on the side?’

 
She turned her wrists as if wringing out an invisible towel, so he took the right one in his hand, feeling as he did so a strange blush that seemed to go down from his face into his chest rather than the other way around. Her hand was very small and very alive. He twisted it over gently and pointed out the mark.

 
‘There. See? That’s from banging the door. Aunt Gwen’s.’

 
Then he was holding her hand up close to both their faces, the two of them leaning together, and she was looking up at him with her unnervingly defenceless expression, and nothing else was happening at all as the distended seconds passed by. He dropped her hand. The blush turned round and started going in the normal direction. He set off again, to conceal it.

 
She scurried beside him. ‘What else did you see me do?’

 
‘Not much. You stood there whacking the door for a while. Then it was like you gave up and sort of slunk off. You scared me shitless, actually.’

 
‘You were frightened? Why?’

 
Once more he glanced at her sharply, trying to catch something that would expose her innocent-sounding question as a trick. Once again he found nothing.

 
‘Well, OK, I had no idea who you were or anything, I just heard this banging in the middle of the night—’

 
‘The middle of the night?’

 
‘Yeah. Actually it was almost exactly midnight. And so I look out the window and there’s someone I never set eyes on in my life, wearing like a sheet or something, and you’re hammering and shouting at—’

 
‘Shouting?’

 
Her voice had shrunk with sudden fear. For a confused moment he wondered if it would help if he stopped and held her hand again, but the moment passed, as such moments do.

 
‘OK, not shouting really, just talking.’

 
‘What did I say?’

 
‘Not sure.’ He tried not to think about the eerie moan.
Come back, come back
. ‘I couldn’t really tell.’

 
‘I had a dream.’ They were in under the trees. It couldn’t have been an hour since Gavin had walked the other way down this same path, but already it felt as if that journey had taken him into a new country, a new world, like the night passage in Hester’s car. ‘I definitely did, but I can’t remember it at all. Did you ever have that feeling when you went out in your sleep? Like something happened it was incredibly important to remember, but you couldn’t?’

 
‘Kind of the opposite, actually.’ He could hardly believe he was saying it, putting into words something he would never have said aloud even to himself. ‘Most of my dreams it’s really really important to try and forget.’

 
He waited for her to ask what she meant, but for once she was quiet. Perhaps he’d finally said something in her language, something that didn’t need translating.

 
‘Anyway,’ he went on, ‘let me show you that rose, OK? I know you don’t believe me about it, but it’s there.’

 
‘Hey! I never said I didn’t believe you!’

 
‘Yeah, well, I could tell. I’ve had a lot of practice.’

 
‘Practice?’

 
‘With people not believing me.’

 
‘You have? OK, try me again.’

 
‘What?’

 
‘Try again. See if you can tell.’

 
‘Um . . .’

 
‘Tell me something and then tell me if I believe you or not. It’s a test. A what-do-you-call-it? It’s how you find things out. An expedient.’

 
‘Experiment?’

 
‘That’s it! Go on, then.’

 
She appeared to be completely serious. He was going to tell her that it wasn’t a game, that it was actually the whole story of his miserable life, but she was looking at him with such an air of earnest anticipation that he didn’t have the heart.

 
‘Er. OK. So. There’s this rose in Aunt Gwen’s garden and it’s flowering. Now, today. Even though it’s winter and everything. How’s that?’

 
She was shaking her head. ‘Useless. Do a new one.’

 
‘Why? That’s not unbelievable enough for you?’

 
‘Just for fun. Otherwise it’s boring.’

 
He felt a twist of anger. Boring? Fun? How could she have any idea what it was like for him?

 
‘Right, then.’ He stopped on the driveway. They were under the trees at the edge of the wood, the lodge beyond. His face felt hot and he spoke too fast. ‘Try this one. There’s a woman nobody except me can see. She’s followed me around my whole life, but she doesn’t actually exist. I was sitting on the train down here yesterday and she got on and shouted at me. How’s that? Believe me?’

 
Something odd happened to Marina’s face. Her hands went slowly to cover her open mouth, and her eyes opened wide. He braced himself for whatever she was about to say.
Oh come on Gav
. But he never found out what it was, because in the stunned silence that followed his confession the door of the lodge opened. The gardener-pirate Caleb emerged, looked down the track and saw them.

 
‘Hoi!’ He waved as if to shoo them back into the woods. Still tingling with the adrenaline fizz of having told Marina – told anyone – what he just had, Gavin stood his ground. Shut up, he hissed silently at himself. Stop letting all this stuff out. It’ll only make it worse. But he was still wondering why doing it had felt almost like a relief when Caleb strode down to them.

 
‘Hey.’ He propped his hands on his hips. ‘Where’re you two off to?’

 
Marina looked at Gav. ‘We were just going to look at something in Gwen’s garden.’

 
‘Whose idea was that, then?’

 
‘Gavin’s. He thought—’

 
‘You can’t go up by the gate.’ He straddled the track like a sentry, barring their way. ‘You know that.’

 
‘We weren’t going to. Just to the lodge.’

 
He glared at them as if he thought Gavin might have been trying to abduct her. ‘Thought you were heading out the other way.’

 
‘We’re going to. Right after Gavin shows me something.’

 
Gav stared at his toes, cheeks burning again. Now Marina was making him sound like some kind of pervert.

 
‘Nothing to see in there,’ Caleb said, with a finality even she couldn’t miss.

 
‘Oh. All right.’

 
‘Don’t want you wandering around this morning, OK?’

 
This was how it always was with adults, Gav told himself bitterly. How could he have thought Pendurra would be any different? He’d hardly met this bloke and already it was obvious that Caleb thought he’d done something wrong.

 
‘What do you mean? Why not?’

 
Caleb twisted the lanky hair behind his neck. His look kept straying over their shoulders, as if something might be lurking there. ‘Jus’ don’t want you to. There’s a good lass. All right?’

 
‘But Daddy said—’

 
‘’s only for an hour or two. Couple of things I want to check on first. All right?’

 
‘Is everything OK?’

 
‘Course.’ Even to Gavin, who’d only met Caleb that morning, this sounded totally unconvincing, but Marina apparently accepted it at once.

 
‘Well,’ she said meekly, ‘OK.’

 
‘Good lass. You could show your friend here round the house.’

 
‘Actually Gavin’s my cousin.’

 
‘Cousin, then. Lots to see indoors.’

 
‘But we can do that when it gets dark! I want to—’

 
‘Jus’ this morning. Promise?’

 
‘OK, then.’ She crossed her arms over her chest. ‘Is something wrong?’

 
‘Course not. ’s only . . .’ He stared down into the sombre mass of winter trees. ‘Might be someone poking around. Jus’ like to keep an eye on things.’

 
Gav remembered the small figure he’d glimpsed for a moment as he’d left the lodge that morning, but there was no way he was going to say anything. At least half of Caleb’s surliness felt like it was directed at him, and his only defence was the old one: tight-lipped silence.

 
‘Someone’s come in?’ Marina sounded disproportionately alarmed by the idea.

 
‘Dunno. Let me worry about that, all right? Anyway, you promised now.’ He cracked a grim smile and prodded her arm.

 
‘But what about the garden? Gavin—’

 
‘Doesn’t matter,’ Gav said. ‘Come on.’ He started back towards the house without waiting for her. What would be the point, anyway? he thought. Even if they went to see that rose, he knew it would be dry and dead.
You’re imagining things. Oh come on Gav.
No need to go looking for humiliation when it seemed to be able to find him all by itself.

 
‘Good lass,’ Caleb said from behind him. ‘You and your friend go enjoy yourselves. Inside, though.’

 
‘Cousin,’ Marina corrected.

 
‘Cousin,’ he echoed, but the tone said,
Stranger, outsider. Enemy
. Gav quickened his stride.

 
She trotted to catch up, her peculiar shoes swishing through the grass and damp leaves that cracked through the decayed driveway. ‘Hey! Wait for me.’

 
‘Sorry if I got us into trouble,’ he said glumly, as she came alongside.

 
‘We’re not in trouble. Caleb said everything’s fine.’

 
Gav looked back. The man had already disappeared from sight.

 
‘He didn’t seem too happy.’

 
‘Oh, that’s how Caleb always looks.’

 
‘Yeah. Well, I don’t think he likes me being here.’

 
‘You? Don’t be silly.’

 
‘Oh yeah? Didn’t exactly seem like he wanted to be friendly, did he? I’ve had warmer welcomes. Well, maybe I haven’t, actually.’