I crawled over to him and squeezed his hand. “I’m still invested in helping you no matter how complicated things have become.”
“But can you forgive me?” he whispered. “For what I did to your boss? Because I don’t think I can forgive myself. I don’t think I can live with this.”
“It’s my fault more than yours,” I said. “So it’s you who would have to forgive me. And I understand how hard this is for you to try and get a grip on right now, but I will help you any way I can.”
“Okay,” he said. I gave his hand another squeeze, then stood to see Micah getting ready to leave.
“I’ll leave the book with you,” he said. I took his hand before he could head to the door.
“Do you think you can stay?” I asked. “I mean…I don’t know if you’d even want to…”
“I do,” he said. “I just didn’t want to ask.” He slung his messenger bag off and smiled.
Micah and I ended up cuddled in my bed, me tucked into his embrace with his arms tight around me and his breath tickling my neck. This was the first time I had ever just cuddled with someone in bed. All my previous bedroom activities weren’t the sort of thing that led to cuddling afterward, and Andrew and I never had reason to hold each other after our romps. The ache that knowledge brought me made my body shudder.
“You okay?” Micah whispered.
“No,” I said honestly. “I’ve never been held like this before. And for it to be you…I didn’t realize what I was missing.”
Micah tightened his hold on me. “If it’s the last thing I do, I’m going to show you how much you deserve to be held like this. How much you deserve so much more than what Andrew or any other man offered you.”
Now my throat was tight. Damn it. Micah turned me around so I was facing him, and his hand moved up the side of my body to brush away the hair that had tumbled into my face.
“You’re a lot smarter and stronger than you give yourself credit for,” he said. “And I want you to forgive me for how I’ve treated you when I should have just told you that all I wanted was a chance to lay with you like this, look into your eyes like this, and kiss your lips like this.”
He kissed me, and a rush of warmth spiraled through my body and made my heart beat faster. His lips fit mine like they belonged there. He was so warm, his arms strong as they slipped around my waist and pressed me closer to him. I wanted nothing more than to stay like this and block everything else out, and I hated that perfect moments like this couldn’t last forever. There was always the shitty reality of life to break them up.
Micah broke the kiss and moved back slightly so we could see each other. I was all kinds of weak in the knees and turned on.
“I want a chance to make love to you again,” he said. “When you’re healed, when all of this is over, when we’re both sober, and I can take you out before.”
I smiled. “Wine and dine me first? You know I’m easier than that.”
“I don’t want you to be,” he said, face serious. “Not for me. I want to work for you. I want to earn you. I don’t want to try and take you, and I don’t want you to give yourself to me.”
What he was saying was so vastly different from what Andrew had said to me that I almost couldn’t believe he meant it.
“Then I’ll play as hard to get as I can,” I said mischievously. “Make you jump through hoops of fire and walk across deserts without water.”
“And I’ll do it,” he said.
“And I’ll make sure it was worth your while,” I said, smiling.
The smile he gave me in return made me shiver with anticipation and almost say to hell with the slow route and maul him right here in my bed. But Micah was offering me something no man had ever offered me before—the desire to connect with me before connecting with my body, and I couldn’t pass that up. I was afraid that I would mess it up because it wasn’t what I was used to. I mean, this actually required effort. But as I looked into Micah’s eyes, I knew that, for him, I was willing to try.
Chapter Eighteen
Ethan was still on my couch in the morning, and he was able to bring himself into a full sitting position even though his eyes still looked haunted. Yesterday wouldn’t be so easily erased for him, myself, or Micah, but we had to start moving forward because things could only get better once we found Trevor and got Larry out of Ethan’s body. The fact that Larry wanted to destroy Ethan troubled me, so I was going to keep Ethan close until this was over.
After breakfast, during which Ethan munched on toast, Micah left to go home so he could shower and change his clothes. My ribs still ached dully. I’d been able to ignore my injuries because my mind had been preoccupied, but now I had time to pay attention and I downed some painkillers in the hope that they would bring me some relief. I fed and walked Luna, and once Micah returned, the three of us headed to the office.
The first thing we did was head to the eighth floor to see Ilyse, who looked relieved to see us and was curious about Ethan. He hovered by the door while Micah and I sat.
“Micah told me everything,” she said. “I can’t believe Andrew is dead.”
I could imagine the somber mood we’d find on the tenth floor; Andrew’s death was a major blow to us. Despite our convoluted relationship, he had been a good boss.
“Yeah,” I said, still trying to fight past my shock at the whole thing. “But the killer is still out there. Did Micah tell you who’s in Ethan’s body and who put him there?”
“Larry and Trevor,” Ilyse said grimly. “Do you have any idea where they are?”
“No,” I said. “I knew where Trevor’s shop was in the Underground, and we went to look for him there, but he cleared out. We think we may know how to find him though.” I told her about the apartment I’d gone to with Larry and about Vicious the ghost cat. I also told her about what I had done to Luna yesterday. Ilyse looked understandably shocked when I finished.
“I can prepare the rune you’d need to use so that when you have Trevor’s energy, you can work the spell for yourself,” Ilyse said. “I need some time though. Can you give me an hour?”
“Okay.” I stood, then Micah grabbed my hand.
“The Rot,” he said.
Oh yeah, that. I sat back down, and Micah got up so Ilyse could sit next to me.
“I’ll take Ethan up to the suite and wait for you there,” Micah said. “Since there’s a killer out there who wears his face, it would be good to explain to everyone exactly what we’re dealing with.”
“Okay, but if there are questions about why he seems less ghostlike than most ghosts, just say it has to do with how he became a ghost.”
“Give me some credit, Selene,” Micah said. Ethan looked unsure but went with Micah. Ilyse then pulled out an orange rune stone that was streaked with white.
“I’m going to scan you first to see if the Rot has progressed,” Ilyse said.
I nodded, and she started moving the stone all over my body with her eyes closed, whispering rapidly under her breath. I was more nervous than I had ever been during one of these sessions. I had never really worried about getting the Rot before, despite the many times I had channeled my own energy into ghosts. Now though, knowing I already had it and being bound to Ethan would only make it worse, I was more concerned for my well-being than I could remember. After a few moments, Ilyse opened her eyes, and the look on her face only deepened my concern.
“You’ve become more tainted,” Ilyse said. “I can sense that your metaphysical body is more infected than before.”
“Well, that’s basically the news I expected to hear,” I said.
“Selene, this is serious,” she said. “The Rot will progress the longer you’re bound to Ethan. I can keep drawing the ghost energy out of you, every day if necessary, but it won’t be enough. The Rot will continue to spread.”
“I know it’s serious,” I said. “But what are my options here? Can I become unbound from Ethan in a way that doesn’t involve me dying?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I haven’t found out enough about the ghost binding to know if it can be undone in a safe way, but I’ll keep looking. In the meantime, I want you to come to me at least every other day. Promise me that you will, Selene.”
“I will,” I said. “I’ll even put it on my calendar.”
She pulled out her absorbing runes and got to work drawing the ghost energy off me. When she was done and opened her eyes, her expression was troubled.
“If you’re not careful, you’ll fall sick before you know it,” she said.
“I understand, trust me,” I said. “But life-threatening Rot aside, there’s something I wanted to ask you about.” I reached into my purse and pulled out the binding stone I had taken from Trevor. “This is what I used to bind my reanimation magic so I wouldn’t be found out. It’s also what’s binding me to Ethan, but I don’t know much more about it other than the obvious; it likes to bind things. Do you know anything?”
She took the stone from me and turned it over in her hand a few times. “This is a very powerful rune stone.” She looked at me. “It’s also illegal.”
“You don’t say,” I said, flashing her a smile she didn’t return. I sighed. “I know it’s illegal, but it was either break the law or get myself found out as a reanimator. Or I could have escaped like Trevor and set up a nice Underground shop reanimating people’s pets. None of those options appealed to me.”
“I know,” she said. “Your grandmother didn’t want to tell me too much about how she stayed under the radar, but I knew it involved powerful runes. But rune stones like this one can do a lot of good or a lot of bad depending on whose hands they fall into. Binding can mean a lot of things. You could bind a necromancer or dead witch and seal them off from their own power, or you could do what you inadvertently did and bind a ghost to you to gain stronger power.”
“Do you think it could help with this Larry-Trevor thing?” I asked.
She was quiet for a while as she thought, still turning the stone over in her hand. “This rune’s power lies mainly in destruction,” she said. “Which means it can be used as a weapon.”
“I like the sound of that,” I said. “Kind of. Care to elaborate?”
She gave me a level gaze as though considering if she should tell me what she knew.
“It’s all in an effort to stop the body-stealing killer out there, Ilyse,” I said. “The one I’ve come face to face with twice and have been unable to stop. If this rune can help, please tell me. I promise I’m not going to use it to try and take over the world or anything.”
That earned me a quick smile. “This stone alone has the power to bind ghosts to the afterlife,” she said. “Meaning that you can expel a ghost without needing a necromancer circle.”
My eyes widened. “That sounds like a hell of an easier way of doing things,” I said. “Why aren’t these rune stones mainstream then? Why have necromancers literally been killing themselves all these years with those damn circles?”
“Because of the destruction this stone can cause,” Ilyse said. “They can expel the ghost easily, yes, but it comes with a high risk of collateral damage that could do worse than a necromancer circle. It’s a very volatile rune, which is why it’s illegal and hard to find.”
“I see,” I said, slumping back in my seat. “But it can be used to blast a ghost into the afterlife.”
“Yes, but it can be used against any ghost.”
“Yeah, I get that. That’s great.”
“No, it’s not,” she said. “Because the ghost doesn’t have to already be a ghost.”
I frowned, not understanding at first, then my eyes widened. “You mean you could shove out someone’s soul as they’re walking down the street and blast it into the afterlife?”
Ilyse nodded solemnly. “Perhaps now you understand why these runes aren’t used.”
“Now I’m wondering why they were even created,” I said, shaking my head.
A chill went through me at the fact that I had used these stones so many times without knowing everything they could do. I could have blown myself away in the process.
“Okay, you’ve successfully conveyed the depths of the dangers of this stone,” I said. “Although this and all the other ones I’ve used are defunct.”
“What do you mean?”
“I can only ever use them to bind my reanimation power once,” I explained. “So over the years, I’ve accumulated quite a few binding stones. They seem to become dormant after one use.”
Ilyse’s eyes widened. “Selene, they don’t become dormant after you bind your power; they become more powerful.”
I frowned. “How’s that now?”
“When you channel your reanimation power into the stone, the stone becomes active and it remains active even when you take your power back.”
My eyes widened. “Then why can’t I use it to bind my reanimation power again?”
“Because once it’s activated, it becomes something more than just a binding rune,” Ilyse said. “It evolves. I told you the rune is like a weapon. Binding is only the smallest part of what it can do.”
“So I basically have a bunch of powerful rune weapons hidden under my floorboard?”
Ilyse nodded. “Be careful with these runes, Selene. If you’re caught with one, it would be a problem. Many? I can’t begin to fathom.”
I exhaled loudly. “You sure you don’t want to take them off my hands?”
“It would be even worse for me to be found with them,” Ilyse said, shaking her head. “So all I can do is warn you.” She gave me back the stone even though I didn’t really want to take it.
I stared at it for a few moments, cautious about its power, but knowing that if push came to shove, I had an ace up my sleeve. And despite how dangerous it was, it was my only ace. When I looked at Ilyse, I knew she had already guessed that I was thinking of using it on Larry despite the risks.
The plus side to the destructive rune was that I could blast Larry away without having to set up a necromancer circle, which wasn’t a quick process. But I wasn’t going to be my usual unthinking, incautious self about this. If I didn’t have to use the stone, then I wouldn’t.
“Thanks, Ilyse,” I said, giving her a tight hug. I then headed up to the tenth floor, ready to face the fallout over Andrew’s death.
* * *
Around midday, Micah, Ethan, and I headed to the Bronx with two rune stones that Ilyse had given us. The black one would be used to pick up traces of Trevor’s energy from Vicious, and the green one would be used to track Larry. I really hoped the ghost cat would be there.