After The One (The One Series Duet) (15 page)

I didn’t know why I hadn’t seen the conversation taking that turn, but I didn’t anticipate it at all.

Coughing on the mouthful of food I was trying to swallow, I grabbed my bottle of water and gulped it down.

“Are you okay?” Julian asked, concern etched across his face.

I nodded, clearing my throat and looking back down at my plate. “I’m okay.” I cleared my throat again.

When my gaze met his again, we both cracked up laughing.

Julian stood up with his empty plate in his hand and stacked it on top of my empty plate. Leaning down, he kissed the top of my head. “So I guess that means the ghosts are running rampant over there.”

I stood and followed him into the kitchen. He didn’t sound mad or anything, but I could tell something was off.

I studied his body language as he walked. When he stopped at the sink, I saddled up beside him. “Hey… What’s going on?”

He smirked, but I could almost see the wheels turning in his head. “I was just asking the same question you asked me.”

We were quiet as he rinsed the dishes and I put them in the dishwasher. Something was definitely off, and I didn’t want to push it until we could actually sit down and talk face to face. We completed the task then dried our hands on the same kitchen towel. Tossing it behind me, I leaned against the island and he leaned against counter directly across from me.

“What—”

“I was—”

We started talking at the same time and then stopped. I sighed, cocking my head to the side. “I feel like I hit a nerve, but I’m not sure why.”

He exhaled. “It’s not that you hit a nerve, but we should at some point talk about the fact that you have two places to live.”

“Oh is that what this is about?” I swallowed nervously.

I knew it was time for us to talk about it—all of it. And that I didn’t know how he was going to take it. I didn’t even have all my thoughts together to think everything through because of all the fun stuff we’d been doing over the weekend. I knew I needed to talk to him, I wanted to talk to him, I just wanted to make sure I had a chance to get my words right.

I guess I’ll just start with the easy answer and then go from there.

“I don’t want to abandon Koko,” I explained, shifting my weight from one foot to another. “We moved into that apartment together six years ago and even though for the last year and a half I haven’t been there much, I don’t want to just…” I let my sentence trail off because I didn’t know how else to explain it.

“I get that.” He had his hands in his pockets and he chewed his bottom lip.

I took a deep breath and opened my mouth to continue, but then snapped it shut.

Is he going to take this the wrong way?
I wondered.

I knew Julian well enough to know he didn’t get offended easily and had thick skin—to be in the industry he was in, he had to—but it was different with me. He wasn’t insecure at all, but just like I was vulnerable with him, he was vulnerable with me. We were embarking on this totally unexpected life journey together and I knew he was just as rattled by the pregnancy as I was. Knowing all of that, I worried that my words or my reasoning would make him think that I doubted him, or us, or our future.

Even though that’s not the case at all.

“Is that all?” The deep sound of Julian’s voice ricocheted through me. “Talk to me, Zoe.”

“I love you. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I know you make me the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I know all of this.”

Julian’s long legs crossed the kitchen in a few steps as he wrapped his hands around my neck and pressed his forehead against mine. “But what?”

I licked my lips. Because I hadn’t had a chance to fully flesh out my thoughts, staring into his eyes made it that much more difficult to think straight. My heart was beating erratically and I was consumed by his scent.

“I don’t know how to explain it,” I breathed, fisting his shirt, pulling him closer to me. “But I know that I love you.”

He chewed on his bottom lip as he stared at me. His eyes were filled with confusion…maybe even pain. “Are you having doubts about us? About the baby? About marriage? About moving in?” He lifted his forehead from mine and created space between us as he searched my face. “What is it?”

As my eyes filled with tears, I reached up and grabbed his face. I pulled his lips to mine, kissing him. I felt myself panicking as his soft lips reluctantly returned my advances.

Lifting myself to my tiptoes, I captured his bottom lip with my mouth and sucked gently. When I released it, I felt Julian’s hands grip my ass and lift me onto the island.

He kissed me hard, almost angrily. I wrapped my legs around his waist and he pulled me to the edge of the island. His hands moved across my body protectively as he held me in place. His tongue explored my mouth urgently as if he were seeking out the answers to his questions. My tongue met his, telling him everything that was in my heart. All the pent-up anxiety, confusion and sexual tension between us exploded as we moaned into each other’s mouth.

Tears burned behind my closed eyelids.

I’d never loved that hard or that completely before and knowing what I would do for him, what I would sacrifice for him overwhelmed me.

I wanted him. I wanted to be his wife. I wanted to have his kids. I wanted to grow old with him.

I just don’t want to lose myself in him.

He ripped himself away, ending the kiss abruptly.

We were both out of breath, our chests heaving.

I felt emotionally raw and exposed.

And scared.

A tear fell, slipping down my cheek.

The look on his face when he saw it broke my heart. The confusion, fear, and frustration I felt played out over his handsome features. Using his thumb, he wiped the tear from my cheek and replaced it with a kiss.

It was the sweetest thing and I shuddered.

A silent sob threatened to ripple through my body, but I swallowed it back down. I closed my eyes tightly to keep the tears at bay.

“If you need time to talk to me about it, I’ll give you some time.” His voice was pained, rasping over each word. “But I need to know right now that you want this life. I know a child this early in our relationship wasn’t the plan. I don’t doubt that you love me and that you want to be with me. I don’t even doubt that you want to marry me. But…”

He lowered his eyes and put his hands on the sides of my waist, letting his thumbs stroke my belly. It seemed to be hard for him to get the next words out as he took several short breaths before continuing.

“But I don’t know if…if this is too much too soon.”

As the tears tumbled down my cheeks, words tumbled out my mouth. “No,” I cried. “I don’t want you to think that. I don’t want…I don’t know how to explain it other than to say that I want this life with you and our baby.” My voice broke as I sniffled. My chin met my chest as the weight of my feelings kept me from looking him in his eyes. “But I also don’t want anything to change. I’ve been working my ass off to establish myself at the firm and it feels like everything I’ve worked for is going to fall apart. I’m… I don’t want to sound selfish, but I don’t want to lose… I don’t want things to change. I want you and I want our baby… I just also want my career and my life.”

Julian was quiet as his hands, positioned on my hips, kneaded the fullness of them. “Where is this coming from? For the last couple weeks, you were on board with this. You said you wanted this.”

My head snapped up and I wiped the tears from my face.

Julian’s eyes had darkened with confusion and hurt. His face had hardened as if he were protecting himself.

From me
, I realized.

I knew I needed to approach the conversation delicately. I knew my words were all wrong. I knew I needed to make it clear that it had less to do with him and the baby and more to do with me. I knew I needed to calm down, take a minute to get myself together, and just talk to him when my emotions weren’t all over the place.

“I do want this. I do,” I assured him weepily. I dried my hands on the kitchen towel next to me before placing them against his clenched jaw. “I just don’t want to give up the things that make me,
me
. I don’t know if I’m explaining it right.”

Julian put his hands over mine and then slowly backed away from me until my hands slipped from his face. My heart broke on the spot and a new flood of tears welled up inside of me. I fought to hold them in. I figured if I could get control of my emotions, I could get control of my thoughts, and if I could get control of my thoughts, I’d get control of my words and the direction of the conversation.

The tear snuck out from the corner of my eye.

Damn hormones!

Julian chewed his bottom lip before shaking his head. His shoulders lifted as he stood just out of my reach. “Yesterday we were talking about our family and today you want your career and your life?” His tone was low and flat. “I don’t even know what to do with that Zoe.”

“That’s not how I meant it… I…”

I put my head in my hands.
I just have to make him understand what I’m saying. I just need to calm down. Stop crying. Get my hormones in check. Figure out what I’m trying to say and then say it. He listens to me. He understands me. He gets me. We’re okay. We’re okay.

Putting the heels of my hands to my eyes to push back the tears, I took a deep breath and then lifted my head.

“Julian—”

“I need a minute,” Julian interrupted as he stormed out of the kitchen.

I didn’t know what to say as I sat in shock. My heart thudded in my chest as I felt the panic welling up inside me. I wanted to call out to him, but I couldn’t find my voice.

Did he just walk off?

My feelings were hurt. I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I placed my hand on my belly and breathed through the hurt.

A few minutes passed and he hadn’t returned. I slithered to the edge of the island and then hopped off, prepared to find him. Even if he needed a minute, the way he’d abruptly cut off the conversation and left wasn’t right.

And it’s not us.

Before I could circle the island, Julian marched into the kitchen wearing jogging pants and a hoodie. His headphones were positioned around his neck. He couldn’t hold my gaze for longer than a few seconds at a time.

“Julian,” I started, frozen in place. Although I saw him, it took a minute for everything to register. The thought evaporated as I noticed his shoes. “Where are you going?”

He grabbed his keys and stuffed them into his pocket. “I need to go for a run.”

“What?” I sputtered, my eyebrows flying up and the hurt leveling me. My heart was pounding in my ears. I could barely hear myself think. “What?”

When he reached the door that led to the garage, he paused. “I’ll be back in a little while.”

And then he left. He fucking left.

The door clicking closed echoed in my mind over and over again. The hurt I felt was so severe that I doubled over where I stood.

Was what I said so bad?

I replayed the conversation in my head. I couldn’t figure out where it had gone wrong. We’d argued plenty of times before. Julian and I were on the same page most of the time, but when I would get too consumed with work or he’d take on too many out of town projects, we’d get snippy with one another. We’d be mad, but we always talked it out and it almost always came down to the fact that we missed each other or one of us was over-prioritizing work.

This is different. This is bigger, more significant.

I knew I didn’t have my wording together, but I didn’t understand how the message he was getting and the one I was trying to convey were so off base.

What did I say that was so wrong that he’d walk out?

Once my heartrate returned to normal, I pushed myself off the marble island and padded out of the kitchen. As I climbed up the steps, my body felt heavy. Once I got to the bedroom, I stripped and eased into our large en-suite bathroom. I took a long hot shower and spent the entire time figuring out what I was really feeling and how to better communicate it. By the time I was pulling on my white cotton tank top, I’d moved from sad to mad.

He left?! I don’t care if I said something wrong. I don’t care if he thought I said I wasn’t ready for all of this. He can’t just leave. Take some time, need some space, go in the other room, sure. But leave? Get dressed and leave?! No. Hell no.

We told each other we’d never go to bed angry. We told each other we would talk out whatever issue came up. We told each other when I left the show was the last time either one of us would walk away from one another. So when I got in bed, I had every intention of staying awake since it was only seven o’clock. But between the long day, the late night, the stress of the argument, and my overly emotional state, I started falling asleep before Julian returned.

A fresh, clean scent infiltrated my senses. I inhaled deeply as I started to gain consciousness. The sensation of the comforter and sheet shifting across my bare arm registered gently as I teetered between being asleep and being awake. The cool sheets were replaced by a familiar heat and his presence fully roused me.

My eyes fluttered open to find Julian looking at me. Even in the dark, I could make out his strong jaw and defined features. But it was his eyes and the way I could feel them on my face that grabbed my attention.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” he whispered as he resumed getting comfortable in bed.

I cleared my throat. “What time is it?” My voice was still hoarse.

“Just after eleven.”

“You’ve been gone this whole time?” I questioned. I felt my face contorting as I said it.

“No.” Julian’s mouth formed a tight line. “I got back around eight. I came up here and you were sleeping so I just wrote in the backyard.”

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

He sighed. “Because I didn’t want to wake you up just to fight.” He flipped over onto his stomach, his head still facing me. “You’ve been tired all day and you need your rest. You…” He stopped as if he didn’t want to say what was on his mind. “You need your rest.”