After the Rain (18 page)

CHAPTER 16

Love Is Fear

Nathanial

M
y hand throbbed. I knew I had a fracture from punching that guy, but at the moment Ava had my attention. Her eyes were sunken, her skin pale when I found her. When she fell to the ground into hysterics, I could see that the guy was startled. I knew what she was seeing in the image of a man lying on the floor, bleeding. I knew what she was feeling. The frustration of knowing it’s too late and there’s nothing to be done.

“Come on,” I urged, but she couldn’t hear me. She looked distant and lost in thought.

In the truck she rolled down the window and let the rain wash over her. Halfway home, the rain stopped but there was lightning in the distance, and the air grew warmer as we approached the ranch. I pulled over at the end of the long dirt driveway.

Her eyes were closed and her hair had dried in the wind. I pulled her off the door and rolled up the window then laid her down across the bench seat. She was asleep. I sucked air in through my teeth when I bent my hand awkwardly,
feeling the strain of the fracture in the knuckle of my index finger. Ava stirred.

“What is it?” she asked.

“Nothing, don’t worry.”

She sat up and moved toward me, taking my hand in hers. She kissed it. “I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Wasn’t it, though?” Her voice was strained.

I cupped her face, turning her toward me. “Listen to me. It wasn’t your fault, just like Jake wasn’t your fault.”

She pulled away and looked out the passenger window. I started the truck and headed up the driveway. It was the middle of the night but Redman was awake, sitting in the rocker on the porch, smoking his pipe. I cut the engine, got out, and walked quickly to the passenger side. After helping Ava out, I looked up to see Bea standing in the doorway, waiting.

“Bring her here, Nathanial.”

Bea stepped out of the doorway and reached for Ava’s hand. “Come here, sweetie. Let’s give you a bath.”

“You stay here, son,” Redman demanded, pointing to the other rocker. His eyes looked hollow in the darkness and his voice was raspy. “I appreciate you going to get her.”

“I didn’t expect you and Bea to be here; I thought you were staying one more night?”

“Bea wanted to get back, and I wanted to have a talk with you.”

“Okay, sure.”

“I know what you did. In a matter of days, you’ve made some big life changes. For Avelina, I’m guessing?”

“Everyone keeps telling me what my motives are. I want to get to know her, that’s all. I can’t do that from L.A.”

“But the simple truth is you quit your job to see about a girl.”

“Yeah, I suppose I did.”

“She may never get over what she’s gone through.” He blew smoke directly into the lantern light, stunning a swarm of tiny moths.

“I have to try.”

He turned toward me, and even though I couldn’t see his shadowed face I knew he could see mine, facing the light. “Well, I suppose she needs to learn that there are as many ways to love as there are to die.”

I nodded. I understood very well what Redman was trying to say. Ava didn’t have to stop loving Jake or mourning him to move on and live her life, just the same way that one mistake would not define my career, even if the consequences were great.

I stood and walked past Redman through the front door. Ava was sitting on the couch in a blue terry-cloth robe, probably one of Bea’s. She was unaware as I stood there watching Bea brush out her long hair. For several moments I was deep in thought, wondering if perhaps I was trying to save her, and why.

“Bea, can I stay here tonight?” They both turned at the same time. Ava smiled faintly.

“Of course, honey, the room is yours.”

“Thank you.”

In the bathroom, while I searched the cabinet for aspirin, I felt a presence behind me. I turned to see Ava standing in the doorway.

“Hey.”

“Hey. Can I see your hand?” She approached me.

I held it out to her and watched her examine it. “I know
you’re the doctor but I think I should put a splint on this finger. It’s quite swollen and it looks like you might’ve fractured or bruised the knuckle.”

“How do you know all that?” I smiled and she returned it with a serene look.

“This happened to Jake often. The rope wraps on the horn were so tight he’d get his fingers caught in them sometimes when he was competing.”

I looked from our hands up to her eyes as she examined the bruised knuckle. “Okay, splint it. I trust you.”

She nodded and then left, returning a moment later with medical tape and broken popsicle sticks. She held them up. “The hillbilly way.”

I laughed but then winced as she wrapped the tape around my knuckle.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay, you’re doing great. You’re a natural.”

There were a few unbearable moments of silence after she finished the wrap. I felt that familiar pull toward her whenever I’d get close enough, like two magnets as they inched closer together. I ached to take her in my arms, but I was worried she’d pull away.

“Maybe, I can stay with you in the guest room. It’s almost dawn and I’m tired, but I want to talk to you,” she said.

“Of course.”

We moved from the bathroom to the guest room. Bea walked by and pushed the door open wide. “Have some manners, you two.”

We lay down on top of the comforter, me fully dressed and her in the fluffy robe. We faced each other on our sides. “Nate, I’m sorry about earlier.”

“All is forgiven. I’m sorry, too. Olivia, the woman you heard on the phone, is an old friend; there’s nothing between me and her. I wish I had the words at the moment to explain that to you, but I was so relieved to hear your voice that I could think of nothing else.”

“I want to start over. I want to learn how to be less of a wreck.” Her eyes filled with tears.

“You’re not a wreck. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.”

She nodded, looking up to the ceiling. “Every time I think I’m over it, everything comes rushing back.”

“You don’t have to let it go.”

“I know, but it’s not letting go that scares me. Life is no longer precious when you have nothing to lose, and that’s the place I’ve been living all these years since Jake. I’ve been indifferent. But now I can feel the fear coming back. It comes back even stronger when you know there’s something to be lost again.”

It was her first real expression of her feelings for me. “I’ve never loved and lost, but I’m scared, too.”

She closed her eyes and within a few moments her breaths steadied. I wondered what it would be like to lose someone the way Ava had at such a young age.

The four-week roller coaster of my life was clicking back up the tracks. I was at that point when you reach the peak before falling and you think maybe you want off, that maybe they can stop it. But I don’t think you can stop once you start falling. At least I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to. It’s as exhilarating as it is terrifying to fall in love.

I pulled her into me, rested my chin on her head, and filled my lungs with her sweet scent.

In the morning, she was gone. I scurried past the kitchen,
hoping Bea wouldn’t see me. “Slow down,” she hollered. “Get in here and eat something.”

She slopped a ladleful of grits onto a plate and handed it to me. “There’s Velveeta, or you can have corn flakes for your grits.”

I felt myself starting to gag. “How about some fruit. Can I have fruit?”

“Sure honey, check in the fruit bowl.”

I tried not to breathe through my nose as I slurped up the bland grits, occasionally chomping off a bite of apple for flavor. Caleb sat across from me eating his grits, which were swimming in Velveeta cheese. It really was a small miracle, with the amount of red meat and cheese these people ate, that they weren’t all wracked with heart disease. Their diets were so heavy in cholesterol that I couldn’t help but visualize the plaque buildup in their arteries each time they took a bite.

“Where’s Ava this morning?”

“She’s working that filly,” Bea answered. “Caleb got some barrels and set up a track for her in the field below.”

“That was nice of you, man.”

He nodded, not looking up from his bowl.

I left the kitchen and walked down the dirt road to the small arena where Ava was riding the gorgeous black filly. The horse’s movements were even more graceful than Dancer’s as Ava galloped her back and forth. I took a seat on the top slat of the wooden corral. When she spotted me she steered the horse over to where I was sitting.

“What’s her name?” I asked.

“I hadn’t named her until now, actually.” She was smiling, her hair was floating down her back, and her cheeks were pink from the cool air hitting her face.

“Well?”

“Shine.”

“It’s perfect for her . . . and for you.”

“Red told me you took a job in Missoula.”

“Yes.”

“That’s great. How’s your hand? Will you be able to do surgery?” Her eyebrows were pinched together in a worried expression.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I need to get to the hospital, though, and take care of some things. And I have a place now, not that far from here. I want to take you there but it’s not ready.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll call you this week then maybe . . .” I was suddenly very nervous. “Maybe I can take you out to dinner next weekend . . . on a date?”

“I would like that.” Her bottom lip quivered. “Nate?”

“Yeah.”

“Thank you for last night. I don’t know what I was thinking.” Her voice cracked and her eyes brimmed with tears.

I cleared my throat and jumped down from the fence. Holding my hand out to her, I said, “I’m Nate and you’re gorgeous. What’s your name?” She giggled. “I like that sound.”

“I’m Ava.”

“Nice to meet you, Ava.” We shook hands. “Can I take you out this weekend?”

Shine started getting antsy. Ava pulled her in a circle. “I have to run her a bit. Bye, Nate.”

She took off in the other direction. “You didn’t answer me,” I yelled. “Will you go out with me?”

“Yes, cowboy,” she yelled back.

Later that day at the hospital, I chose to wear my boots with my scrubs. I assisted on an angioplasty and when Abbie, the scrub nurse, looked down at the booties over my boots, she laughed.

“What?”

Smiling, she said, “I like your boots. I didn’t take you for a cowboy.”

“It’s a state of mind, Abbie, plain and simple.”

“We’ve all been calling you Hollywood.”

I laughed loudly. “I will spare you my John Wayne impression.”

CHAPTER 17

There Are Places

Avelina

“C
ome to me, baby,” Nate whispered. “There are places you and I can run to. Places where no one knows us. No one can see us.” I took his hand and followed him into the darkness. We were together in a void that was smooth, soft, and warm, and he was touching my face and neck. There were birds chirping and the feeling of sunlight against my skin, but there was no light. He laid me down and kissed me, kissed my breast. He was on his side facing me as I lay on my back. We were naked but warm. His tongue toyed with my nipple and I ran my hands through his messy hair. “God, you are so lovely,” he said. “Can I touch you?”

“Yes, touch me, please.”

“Where shall I touch you, beautiful?”

“Here.” I placed my hand to my flesh.

“Show me how,” he said.

“Like this.” I touched myself and felt the aching pulse below. I arched my back as I felt his warm hand cover mine.
My mouth opened but I couldn’t breathe. He covered my mouth with his in a gentle assault.

“Mmm, you taste so good. I want to taste more of you.” His hands began taking over as he lowered himself, trailing kisses down my body. I stretched my arms above my head and let myself feel the exquisite ache.

His hands slid between my thighs and I opened wide for him. He kissed his way up my leg farther and farther until his mouth was on me. I jerked my hips toward him, trying to feel more as my hands got lost in his hair. His tongue was on me and then he plunged two fingers in and I was lost, pulsing against his mouth.

Then, like a movie reel locking and sputtering, everything stopped and I heard a faint knocking sound.

I opened my eyes. It was daylight and I was in my room alone, feeling the last echoes of the orgasm Nate had given me in a dream.

“Oh,” I whimpered, trying to get a grip.

“Ava, are you okay?” I heard Caleb’s call from my living room. I quickly jumped out of bed, threw on a robe, and met him as he walked into my kitchen.

“I’m fine.”

He walked toward me. “You’re flushed. Are you sick?”

“No.” The word came out as a rushed breath.

“Okay. Well, I came over because I hadn’t seen you at breakfast.” He looked away shyly like his concern embarrassed him.

“Thanks for checkin’ on me but I’m fine.”

“Okay.” He shrugged, turned around, and walked out.

When he left, I plopped down on the couch. I stared out the front window and then down to the beige carpet that Redman installed after Jake was gone. The carpet that
covered the bloodstained wood floor. Sadly, those images never faded, just like the stains. My phone rang, jolting me out of my trance.

“Hi, beautiful.” Nate’s voice was as deep and as smooth as it was in my dream. I felt an aftershock between my legs.

“Hi.” My own voice sounded strange.

“Is something wrong?”

“No. I was thinking about you.”

“That makes me very happy. I want to take you out to dinner Friday. Can I pick you up at six?”

“Yes, I would like that. Are you taking me somewhere fancy? I don’t have fancy clothes.”

“I don’t have fancy clothes either,” he said, laughing. “I like the dress you wore when we went to the hot spring.”

“Oh, that old thing?”

“You took my breath away.”

My own breath was elusive at that moment. I swallowed and waited.

“Would you like it if I took you shopping?”

“Oh, I couldn’t.”

“Sure you could. Anyway, I would love to spoil you.”

I didn’t answer.

“Okay then, I’ll take that as a yes. We’ll go shopping first then dinner?”

“Okay.”

“Ava, can I ask you something?” His voice got low.

“Sure.”

“When you said you were thinking about me . . . what exactly were you thinking?”

My heart was beating in my stomach. “I was thinking about a dream I had.”

“Tell me about the dream.”

I heard something over the speaker in the background; his name was being called. “Don’t you have to go?”

“Was I touching you . . . in the dream?”

I was breathing hard. “Yes,” I whispered.

I heard him being paged again over the loudspeaker. “Baby, I have to go.” I heard a smile in his voice. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

“Okay.” I pressed end on my phone and laid my head back on the couch with the biggest smile on my face.

The week sidled on and the days seemed long. I looked forward to my evening call from Nate every day. I noticed after the one heady phone call that he tried to keep our conversations light. I told him I wanted to take things slow, that I hadn’t done that with Jake. Part of me felt like I needed space to grow. I’d been at an emotional standstill for five years without so much as an introspective thought. I tarried along for so many years inside of my numbed mind. It made falling for Nate feel like an exposed nerve hitting the air. I wanted to remember who I was and who I wanted to be when I thought I had a future.

On Friday, Trish came to my cabin with a basket of goodies. When I opened the door, she held them out with a smile. I took the basket from her hand as she walked past me into the living room. “My sister and I used to help each other get ready before our dates.” She looked back over her shoulder and smiled. “Well, are you gonna show me what you’re wearing tonight?”

“Nate said he wants to take me shopping.”

“Well, isn’t that sweet? But you don’t want to be lookin’ like that when he shows up, even if he plans to buy you the world.”

I looked down at my T-shirt and jeans. “No, I’m just
gonna throw on that dress with the red flowers.” I looked in the basket. It was full of lotions, perfumes, hair ties, and some flowers she must have picked on the way over.

“Okay. Why don’t you go get cleaned up and I’ll do your hair for you when you’re done.” She winked.

“Thanks, Trish.”

“My pleasure, darlin’.”

She sat at my kitchen table knitting while I took a shower. When I came out she had conjured up a glass of wine and turned on some music.

“Let’s have fun with this.” She braided my hair, twisting a red ribbon through it. It was a little bit too “rodeo queen,” but I appreciated her effort. We danced around my cabin and sang to the music. When knocks sounded on the door, we both froze. She looked me up and down. I was dressed in my nice brown boots and the white dress with the red flowers that Nate had requested. Trish’s expression was warm, and her eyes welled up. “Enjoy yourself, sweetie. You deserve it.”

“Thank you, Trish.” And I meant it.

I opened the door to Nate, donning his usual sneakers and pegged jeans that hung perfectly on his narrow hips. He wore a simple charcoal gray V-neck sweater over a white T-shirt. It looked like he put a touch of product in his hair and he wasn’t clean-shaven. His face was etched with a day or two of growth, making him look even more handsome. His eyes were wide when I opened the door. He glanced down at my legs and then back up to my eyes quickly.

From behind his back he produced one single Casablanca lily stem. “These remind me of you,” he said, shyly. He looked behind me to Trish as she was gathering up her things.

“Hi, Aunt Trish.”

She came over and kissed him on the cheek. “Nathanial, you’re looking as handsome as your uncle.” She was down the steps and gone before he could even respond. I laughed but his face remained serious.

“You’re stunning, you know that?” he said.

I shook my head, putting the flower to my nose. “Mmm, let me put this in water and then we’ll go.”

He took me to a boutique in Great Falls, and when we pulled into the parking space I turned toward him, feeling a little nervous. “You really don’t need to buy me anything. I feel silly.”

“I love what you’re wearing but I thought maybe I could pick something out for you to wear on our next date.” He smiled, arching his eyebrows in a playful way.

“Next date? Okay.”

When we got into the store I realized that Nate had called ahead and asked them to stay open an hour later than usual. He could be very persuasive and charming. He’d also had the young girl who worked there pick out a pile of things for me to try on. I tried on several dresses and, for each one, I walked out and twirled around for Nate as he sat in a chair by the dressing room. Every time he would say, “Gorgeous, let’s get it.”

“This is the last one.” I walked out holding it close to my body because I was unable to zip it up in back. Nate immediately stood. “Let me get that for you.” Standing behind me, he brushed my braided hair over my shoulder. As he zipped up the dress, I could feel his breath on my neck. He kissed my shoulder. “This one is my favorite,” he said.

I looked into the mirror at the knee-length, muted red dress. It had a romantic flowing skirt. “I like it, too.”

He unzipped the back and gently nudged me back into the dressing room, following behind me and shutting the door. He pushed me against the mirrored wall and kissed me until I was breathless.

I broke away, panting. “They’re going to wonder what we’re doing in here,” I said.

“I couldn’t care less.”

He brushed one strap off my shoulder and the entire dress fell to the ground, leaving me heated and flushed in my black lace underwear. “Nate!” I scolded.

He leaned in and kissed me again, this time slower and more delicate. “I can’t keep my hands off of you,” he said. “I’d stay in here all night if I could.”

There was something in his pleas and his voice that reminded me of my dream. Warmth rushed through my body and I could feel it from his as well. “I thought we were going to take it slow.”

He leaned back and narrowed his eyes before finally letting a smile peek through. “It’s so hard when I’m with you.” He kissed me near my ear. “Get dressed and we’ll go eat.”

Within a few minutes we were back on the road in Nate’s red truck, heading farther into town. We arrived at a quaint Italian restaurant of Nate’s choosing. Once inside, Nate held my chair out for me then ordered a bottle of cabernet. After the waiter left, he said, “I hope that’s all right with you. I realize I didn’t ask.”

“It’s perfect.”

“Good.”

I leaned forward and clasped my hands. “Thank you for the dresses.”

“You’re welcome, but I think I enjoyed the shopping more than you.” He smiled and let his gaze fall to my mouth.

“Do you think there’s more to this than what we’re feeling?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, I know it’s been a long time for both of us and I just wonder . . .”

I let my voice trail off.

“What? You wonder if this is about sex?”

I blushed instantly. “Well, yes, I guess I am wondering that.”

“Ava, do you think I would’ve quit my job and moved to Montana for sex?”

We both laughed and the atmosphere was instantly lighter. “Tell me about your family,” I said.

Nate and I spent four hours talking over dinner that night. He told me all about his life, growing up in Los Angeles, watching his father rise to the top of his profession. He spoke only positive words about his dad, and I thought his description sounded a lot like Dale. The Meyers men all had a quiet strength, intelligence, and confidence about them. They were never boastful or macho, which was refreshing, having spent so much time around men who were. At the same time, Nate often seemed very much in control of things, especially when I was timid, which I also liked.

When I pushed the last bit of fish around my plate, he forked it up and held it to my lips. “Open up.” His eyes focused on my mouth as I took the bite.

For dessert, we shared tiramisu. I ate most of it off of Nate’s fork. There were long pauses in our conversation but the silence wasn’t uncomfortable. I told him about my life in California and my parents and brother. He was surprised to learn that my brother had a graduate degree while I hadn’t even finished high school. He wondered if I still
wanted to and I said no, which didn’t throw him at all. He moved on with the conversation, asking me about my future and whether I wanted to have a family. I told him I hadn’t thought about it since Jake. He reached across the table, took my hand in his, and smiled kindly.

“You have so much time to decide that,” he said.

“Do I?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want a family?”

He smiled. “Yes, I think so.”

That night Nate drove me back to my cabin, walked me to the door, and kissed me for a long time. He never asked for more; it was only enough to convey to me that his feelings were strong. I had a brief urge to pull him inside, but I quickly overcame it when he said he’d be back the next day.

“Would you like to see my place?”

“Yes. I can cook there if you’d like,” I said, always feeling the urge to offer something more.

He shifted his weight to his heels, put his hands in his pockets, and rocked back and forth. “How about I cook for you?”

“Okay.”

He was at my cabin at five p.m. the next day. We were both dressed more casually than the night before. He wore jeans and a tattered T-shirt, which I think was intentionally made to look worn. I chose jeans and a sweater with my hair down in soft waves over my shoulders. Instead of flowers he held a bottle of wine. “Trish just gave this to me. She said it’s your favorite,” he said with a laugh.

I took the bottle from his hand. “Did she mean for you to get me drunk?”

He shrugged and then pushed his hands deep into his
jeans pockets, something he did when he was nervous. “I asked her what you like.”

“So you were the one with the less-than-honorable intentions?”

Smiling boyishly, he said, “Never.”

“Well, Nate Meyers, you’ve certainly had your opportunities, if those
were
your plans.”

He stared blankly at me for a few beats. I closed the door behind us, locked it, then turned back toward him. He braced the back of my neck and kissed me, pulling my bottom lip into his mouth. I thrust my hips against him and he growled deep in his throat. “The wanting hasn’t gone away,” he finally said, “but I’m trying to be respectful. You’re making it hard on me.”

“I feel it, too,” I murmured.

Nate was in control but very innocent in his reactions to me. I didn’t have a doubt that he was experienced in the bedroom but inexperienced with intimacy. I had a strong desire to show him how beautiful things could be when two people were comfortable with each other—comfortable enough to really let go.