After We Collided (The After Series) (5 page)

But wrong.

I pull away and he tries to reconnect our lips, but I turn my head. “No,” I say.

His eyes soften. “Please . . .” he begs.

“No, Hardin. I need to go.”

He lets go of my wrists. “Go where?”

“I . . . I don’t know yet. My mother is trying to get me back into a dorm.”

“No . . . no . . .” He shakes his head, his voice becoming frantic. “You live here, don’t go back into the dorms.” He runs his hands through his hair. “If anyone should, it’s me. Just please stay here so I know where you are.”

“You don’t need to know where I am.”

“Stay,” he repeats.

If I’m being completely honest with myself, I want to stay
with him. I want to tell him that I love him more than I want to breathe, but I can’t. I refuse to get pulled back in and be that girl who lets guys do whatever the hell they want to her.

I pick up my bags and say the only thing that will keep him from following. “Noah and my mother are waiting, I have to go,” I lie and walk out of the door.

He doesn’t follow, and I don’t let myself turn around to see the pain he’s in.

W
hen I get to my car I don’t cry like I had assumed I would. I just sit and stare out the window. The snow sticks to my windshield, blanketing me inside. The wind around the car is chaotic, picking up the snow and swirling it, completely sheltering me. With each flake of snow coating the glass, a barrier between the harsh reality and the car is formed.

I can’t believe that Hardin came to the apartment while I was there. I had hoped to not see him. It did help, though, not the pain but the situation in general. At least now I can try to move on from this disastrous time in my life. I want to believe him and that he does love me, but I got into this situation by believing him. He could just be acting like this because he knows he doesn’t have control over me anymore. Even if he does love me, what would that change? It wouldn’t take back everything he did, it wouldn’t take back all the jokes, the terrible bragging about the things we did, or the lies.

I wish I could afford that apartment on my own, I would stay there and make Hardin leave. I don’t want to go back to the dorms and get a new roommate—I don’t want a community shower. Why did it all have to start with a lie? If we’d met in some different way, we could be inside that apartment right now, laughing on the couch or kissing in the bedroom. Instead, I’m in my car alone with nowhere to go.

When I finally start the car, my hands are frozen. Couldn’t I be homeless in the summer?

I feel like Catherine again, only not my usual
Wuthering Heights
Catherine. This time Catherine in
Northanger Abbey
is who I relate to: shocked and forced to make a long journey alone. Granted, I’m not making a seventy-mile journey from Northanger after being dismissed and embarrassed, but still, I feel her pain. I can’t decide who Hardin would be in this version of the book. On one hand, he’s like Henry, smart and witty, with a knowledge of novels as great as mine. However, Henry is much kinder than Hardin, and that’s where Hardin is more like John, arrogant and rude.

As I drive through town with nowhere to go, I realize that Hardin’s words had a bigger impact on me than I would like to admit. Him begging me to stay almost put the pieces back together just to break them again. I’m sure he only wanted me to stay to prove that he could. It’s not like he’s started calling and texting again since I drove away.

I force myself to drive to campus and take my last final before winter break. I feel so detached during the exam and it feels impossible that everyone on campus could be so clueless about what I’m going through. A fake smile and small talk can hide the splitting pain, I suppose.

I call my mother to check on the status of getting into a new dorm, only to have her mumble “no luck” and quickly hang up the phone. After driving aimlessly for a bit, I find myself a block away from Vance and realize it’s already five in the evening. I don’t want to take advantage of Landon by asking him to stay at Ken’s house again. I know he wouldn’t mind, but it’s not fair of me to put Hardin’s family in the middle of this, and honestly that house holds too many memories. I couldn’t stand it. I pass a street lined with motels and pull into the lot of one of the nicer-looking ones. I suddenly realize that I’ve never actually stayed at a motel before, but it’s not like I have anywhere else to go.

The short man behind the counter looks friendly enough as
he smiles at me and asks for my driver’s license. A few short minutes later he’s handing me a key card and a slip of paper with a Wi-Fi code. Getting a room is much easier than I thought it would be—a little expensive, but I don’t want to stay someplace cheap and risk my safety.

“Down the sidewalk and make a left,” he informs me with a smile.

I thank him and head back out into the blistering cold and move my car to the spot next to my room so I don’t have to carry my bags.

This is what I’ve come to because of that thoughtless, egotistical boy: I am someone staying in a motel, alone, all my belongings stuffed frantically into bags. I am someone who has no one to lean on instead of someone who always had a plan.

Grabbing some of my bags, I lock my car, which looks like junk compared to the BMW next to me. Just as I think my day could not get any worse, I lose my grip on one of my bags and drop it onto the snowy sidewalk. My clothes and a few books topple out onto the wet snow. I scramble to pick them up with my free hand, but I’m afraid to see which books they are—I don’t think I can take my favorite possessions being ruined alongside me, not today.

“Here let me help you, miss,” a man’s voice says as a hand reaches down to help me.
“Tessa?”

Shocked, I look up to see blue eyes and a concerned face. “Trevor?” I say even though I know it’s him. I stand upright and look around. “What are you doing here?”

“I’d ask you the same thing.” He smiles.

“Well . . . I’m . . .” I take my bottom lip between my teeth.

But he saves me from having to explain myself. “My plumbing went haywire, so here I am.” Bending down, he gathers some of my stuff and hands me a soaked copy of
Wuthering Heights
with a raise of his brow. Then he hands me a couple of wet sweaters
and
Pride and Prejudice
, saying ruefully, “Here . . . this one’s in bad shape.”

And like that, I know the universe is playing a sick joke on me.

“I somehow knew you would be into the classics,” he tells me with a friendly smile. He takes the bags from me and I give him a nod of thanks before sliding in the key card and opening the door. The room is freezing, so I go over to the heater immediately and turn it all the way up.

“You would think for how much they charge here they wouldn’t worry about their electric bill,” Trevor says and sets my bags on the floor.

I smile and nod in agreement. I grab the clothes that fell onto the snow and put them over the shower curtain rod. When I come back into the main room, there’s an awkward silence with this person I barely know in this room that isn’t really mine. “Is your apartment nearby?” I ask, to bring some life into the space.

“House. But yeah, it’s only about a mile away. I like to be close to work, so I know I won’t ever be late.”

“That’s a good idea . . .” It sounds like something I would do.

Trevor looks so different in casual clothes. I have only ever seen him in suits, but here he’s wearing snug blue jeans and a red sweatshirt, with his hair messy where it’s usually perfectly gelled.

“I think so, too. So are you alone?” he asks and looks at the ground, obviously uncomfortable prying.

“Yeah. I’m alone.” I mean that in more ways than he knows.

“I’m not trying to be nosy, I was just asking because your boyfriend doesn’t seem to like me much.” He half laughs and wipes his black hair from his forehead.

“Oh, Hardin doesn’t like anyone—don’t take it personally.” I pick at my nails. “He isn’t my boyfriend, though.”

“Oh, sorry. I just assumed he was.”

“He was . . . sort of.”

Was he?
He said he was. But then, Hardin said a lot of things.

“Oh, sorry again. I just keep saying all the wrong things.” He laughs.

“It’s okay. I don’t mind,” I tell him and unpack the rest of my bags.

“Do you want me to go? I don’t mean to intrude.” He half turns toward the door, as if to show his offer is genuine.

“No, no, you can stay. If you want, of course. You don’t have to,” I say too quickly.

What is wrong with me?

“It’s settled, then, I’ll stay,” he says and sits down on the chair next to the desk. I look for a place to sit myself, and eventually decide on the edge of the bed. I’m pretty far away from him, which makes me realize how spacious the room really is.

“So, how are you liking Vance so far?” he asks, his fingers tracing patterns on the wooden desk.

“I love it. It’s so much more than I ever expected. It’s literally my dream job. I hope to get hired on after I graduate.”

“Oh, I think you’ll be offered a position there well before then. Christian is very fond of you—that manuscript you turned in last week was all I heard about at lunch the other day. He says you have a good eye, and from him that’s a huge compliment.”

“Really? He said that?” I can’t help but smile. The action feels odd and unwelcome but also comforting all at once.

“Yeah, why else would he invite you to the conference? Only the four of us are going.”

“Four of us?” I ask.

“Yeah. Me, you, Christian, and Kim.”

“Oh, I didn’t know Kim was going.” I hope desperately that Mr. Vance didn’t only invite me because he feels obligated due to my relationship with Hardin, his best friend’s son.

“He wouldn’t be able to go a weekend without her,” Trevor teases. “Because of her office management skills, of course.”

I give a little smile. “I can see that. So why are you going?” I
ask, and then mentally slap myself. “I mean why are you going, since you work in finance, don’t you?” I try to clarify.

“No, I get it, you bookies don’t need the human calculator around.” He rolls his eyes, and I laugh, really laugh. “He’s opening a second office in Seattle shortly and we’re going to a meeting with a potential investor. Also, we’ll be scouting locations, so he needs me to make sure we get a good deal, and Kimberly to make sure whatever building we like functions with our work flow.”

“Are you into real estate, too?” The room is finally warm, so I take my shoes off and tuck my feet underneath me.

“No, not at all, but I’m good with numbers,” he brags. “It’ll be a good time, though. Seattle is a beautiful city. Have you been?”

“Yeah, it’s is my favorite city. Not that I have a lot to choose from . . .”

“Me either; I’m from Ohio, so I haven’t seen much. Compared to Ohio, Seattle is like New York City.”

I find myself genuinely interested in knowing more about Trevor. “What made you come to Washington?”

“Well, my mother passed away my senior year of high school and I just had to go. There’s just so much more to see, you know? So I promised her right before she died that I wouldn’t spend my life in that dreadful town where we lived. The day I got accepted to WCU was the best and worst day of my life.”

“Worst?” I ask.

“She passed away that same day. Ironic, isn’t it?” He gives a wan smile. The way only half of his mouth turns up is lovely.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be. She was one of those people that didn’t belong here with the rest of us. She was too good, you know? My family got to have more time with her than we deserved, and I wouldn’t change a thing,” he says. He gives me full smile and gestures at me. “What about you? Are you going to stay here forever?”

“No, I always wanted to move to Seattle. But lately I’ve been thinking of going even further,” I admit.

“You should. You should travel and see everything you possibly can. A woman like you shouldn’t be kept in a box.” He must notice some odd look on my face, because he quickly says, “Sorry . . . I just mean you could do so much. You have a lot talents, I can tell.”

But I wasn’t bothered by what he said. Something about the way he called me a woman makes me happy; in my life, I’ve always felt like a child because everyone treats me like one. Trevor is only a friend, a new friend, but I’m really glad to have his company on this terrible day.

“Have you had dinner?” I ask.

“Not yet. I was debating whether or not to order a pizza, so I don’t have to go back into that blizzard.” He laughs.

“We could split one?” I offer.

“Deal,” he says, with the kindest look I’ve seen in a long time.

M
y father has the stupidest expression on his face; it always happens when he tries to look authoritative, like now, with his arms crossed as he stands filling his front doorway.

“She isn’t going to come here, Hardin—she knows you’ll find her.”

I fight the urge to knock his teeth down his throat. Instead, I rake my fingers through my hair, flinching slightly when my knuckles twinge. The cuts are deeper than usual this time. Punching the drywall did more damage to my hands than I thought. It’s nothing compared to how I feel inside. I never knew this type of pain existed; it’s so much worse than any physical pain I could cause myself.

“Son, I really think you should give her some space.”

Who the fuck does he think he is?

“Space? She doesn’t need space! She needs to come home!” I yell. The old woman next door turns to look at us, and I raise my arms at her.

“Please don’t be rude to my neighbors,” my dad warns me.

“Then tell your neighbors to mind their own damn business!” I’m sure the old gray-hair heard
that
.

“Goodbye, Hardin,” my father says with a sigh and closes the door.

“Fuck!”
I yell and pace back and forth on the porch a few times before finally going back out to my car.

Where the hell is she?
As mad as I am, I’m worried as hell
about her. Is she alone, or afraid? Oh course, knowing Tessa, she isn’t afraid at all; she’s probably going over the reasons she hates me. Actually, she’s probably writing them down. Her need to be in control of everything and her stupid lists used to drive me crazy, but now I long to see her scribbling the most irrelevant things. I would give anything to watch her chew on her full bottom lip in concentration, or see that adorable scowl take over her sweet face, even one more time. Now that she’s with Noah and her mother, the small chance I thought I had is gone. Once she’s reminded why he’s better for her than me, she’ll be his again.