After We Collided (The After Series) (64 page)

“I don’t want you to change,” she tells me, and I look over at her. “Not physically. I only want you to show me that you can treat me better and not try to control me. I don’t want you to change your personality either. I only want you to fight for me, not turn yourself into someone you think I want to be with.”

Her words tug at the edges of my heart, threatening to tear it open. “I’m not,” I tell her.

I’m trying to change for her, but not that way. This was for me, and for her.

“Taking them out was just a step in all of this. I’m trying to be a better person, and the piercings remind me of a bad time in my life. A time I want to move on from,” I tell her.

“Oh,” she nearly whispers.

“You liked them, then?” I smile.

“Yes, very much,” she admits.

“I could put them back?” I offer, but she shakes her head.

I’m much less nervous now than I was two hours ago. This is Tessa, my Tessa, and I shouldn’t be nervous.

“Only if you want to.”

“I could put them back in when we . . .” I stop myself.

“When we what?” She tilts her head to the side.

“You don’t want me to finish it.”

“Yes, I do! What were you going to say?”

“Fine, have it your way. I was going to say I could always put them back in and fuck you if they turn you on that much.”

Her horrified expression makes me laugh, and she looks around to make sure no one heard me. “Hardin!” she scolds me, between bouts of red-faced laughter.

“I warned you . . . Plus I haven’t made any perverted comments at all tonight, I should be allowed one.”

“True,” she agrees with a smile and takes a drink of her lemonade.

I want to ask her if that means she could see herself having sex with me again since she didn’t correct me, but I get the feeling this isn’t the right time. It’s not only because I want to feel her again, it’s because I genuinely miss her so fucking much. We’re getting along pretty well, especially for us. I know a lot of it’s because I’m not being a dick for once. It’s not that hard, really. I just have to think before I say shit.

“Your birthday is tomorrow. What do you have planned?” she asks me after a few moments of silence.

Shit
.

“Well, um . . . Logan and Nate are sort of throwing me a party. I wasn’t going to go, but Steph said they went all out and spent a shitload of money, so I figured I would at least drop by there. Unless . . . you wanted to do something? I won’t go,” I tell her.

“No, it’s okay. I’m sure the party will be much more fun.”

“You could come?” And because I know her answer, I add, “No one even knows what’s going on between us—except Zed, of course.”

I need to not focus on why Zed knows my fucking business.

“No, thanks, though.” She smiles, but it doesn’t meet her eyes.

“I really don’t have to go.”

If she wants to spend my birthday with me, then Logan and Nate can fuck off.

“No, really, it’s fine. I have stuff to do anyway,” she says and looks away.

D
o you have plans for the rest of the night?” Hardin asks as he pulls into his father’s driveway.

“No, just studying and going to sleep. Wild night.” I smile at him.

“I miss sleep.” He frowns, running his index finger along the ridges on the steering wheel.

“You haven’t been sleeping?” Of course he hasn’t. “Are you . . . have you been . . .” I begin.

“Yeah, every single night,” he tells me, and my heart aches.

“I’m sorry.” I hate this. I hate those nightmares for haunting him. I hate that I’m the only elixir, the only thing to make them stay away.

“It’s fine. I’m fine,” he says, but the dark circles under his eyes beg to differ.

Inviting him up would be a terribly stupid idea. I’m supposed to be thinking about what to do with my life from this point forward, not spending the night with Hardin. It’s so awkward that he’s dropping me off at his father’s house; this is exactly why I need to get my own place.

“You could come up? Just to get some sleep. It’s still early,” I offer, and his head snaps up.

“You’d be okay with that?” he asks, and I nod before I let my thoughts invade.

“Sure . . . only to sleep, though,” I remind him with a smile, and he nods.

“I know, Tess.”

“I didn’t mean it like that . . .” I try to explain.

“I got it,” he huffs.

Okay . . .

There is a distance between us that’s both uncomfortable and necessary at the same time. I want to just reach over and push the lone strand of hair that’s fallen onto his forehead, but that would be too much. I need this distance, just like I need Hardin. It’s very confusing, and I know inviting him up won’t be helpful to clearing up that confusion, but I just really want him to be able to sleep.

I give him a small smile, and he stares at me for a second before shaking his head. “You know, I better not. I’ve got some work to do and—” he begins.

“It’s fine. Really,” I interrupt and open the car door to escape my embarrassment.

I shouldn’t have done that. I’m supposed to be distancing myself and here I am being rejected . . . again.

When I reach the door I remember I forgot my dress and heels in Hardin’s car, but he’s already backing out of the driveway by the time I turn around.

AS I WIPE THE MAKEUP
from my face that night and get ready for bed, my mind replays our date over and over. Hardin was so . . . nice. Hardin was nice. He was dressed up and he didn’t get into a fight, he didn’t even curse anyone out. This is major progress. I begin to giggle like an idiot as I remember him falling on the ice; he was so irritated, but it was so funny to watch him fall. He’s so
tall and lanky and his legs kept wobbling in the skates. It was definitely one of the funniest things that I’ve ever seen.

I’m not sure how I feel about Hardin’s piercings being removed, but he told me over and over that he wanted to keep them out, so it’s not up to me. I wonder what his friends will say about it.

My mood shifted slightly when he told me about his birthday party. I don’t know what I assumed he would be doing for his birthday, but partying wasn’t it. I’m an idiot, though, because this is his
twenty-first
birthday, after all.

I want to spend it with him more than anything, but something bad happens every single time I go to that damn frat house, and I don’t want to continue the cycle, especially when we’re in such a fragile state as it is. The last thing I need is to drink and make things worse. I’d like to get Hardin something for his birthday, though. I’m terrible at gifts, but I’ll think of something. I stop by Landon’s room but he doesn’t answer when I knock; when I open the door he’s asleep and I decide to go to bed myself.

I open the bedroom door and nearly jump out of my skin when I’m confronted with a figure sitting on the bed. I drop my toiletry bag on the dresser . . . then realize it’s Hardin and I calm down. As I watch, he awkwardly crosses his ankles in front of him.

“I . . . I, um, I’m sorry for being a dick down there, I wanted to stay.” Hardin runs his fingers through his unruly hair.

“I asked you, too,” I remind him and cross over to the bed.

He sighs. “I know and I’m sorry. Can I please stay? I had such a good time tonight just being around you, and I’m so tired . . .”

I contemplate this for a few moments. I wanted him to stay. I miss the comfort of having him in my bed, but he was just saying that he had things to do.

“What about your work?” I raise a brow.

“It can wait,” he says, looking distressed.

I sit next to him on the bed and grab the pillow, covering my lap with it.

“Thank you,” Hardin says, and I scoot closer. He’s still a magnet to me; I can’t seem to stay even feet away from him.

I look over at him, and he smiles, then quickly looks down at the floor. My body has a mind of its own, and I lean into him, wrapping my hand around his. His hands are cold, his breathing heavy.

I’ve missed you
, I want to say.
I want to be close to you,
I want to confess.

He squeezes my hand gently and I rest my head on his shoulder. One of his arms wraps around my back, holding me close.

“I had a really nice time tonight,” I tell him.

“Me too, baby. Me too.”

Being called “baby” makes me want to be even closer to him. I look up at him to find his eyes resting on my mouth. Instinctively, my head tilts up, bringing my mouth closer to his. When I close the space between us and press my lips to his, he leans back on his elbows and I climb onto his lap. I feel one hand resting on my lower back, pushing my body further onto his.

“I missed you,” he says, then sweeps his tongue over mine. I miss the cold of the metal ring, but my body is heated by my need for him, making everything else irrelevant.

“I missed you, too.” I wrap my fingers into his hair and kiss him harder. My other hand snakes down to touch the hard muscles under his shirt, but he stops me, leaning up with me still on his lap.

He smiles, not without chagrin. “I think we should keep it PG.” His cheeks are flushed and his breath heavy against my face.

I want to protest, to tell him that I need his touch, but I know he’s right. Sighing, I climb off of his lap and lie down on the far side of the bed.

“I’m sorry, Tess. I didn’t mean . . .” he trails off.

“No, you’re right. Really, it’s okay. Let’s get some sleep.” I smile, my body still reeling from the contact.

He lies across from me, keeping to his side of the bed with a pillow shoved between us, reminding me of our earlier days. He falls asleep fast, his peaceful snores filling the air, but when I wake up in the middle of the night, Hardin is gone. Instead, a note on his pillow has taken his place.

Thank you again, had to get some work done
, it says.

THE NEXT MORNING
I text Hardin as soon as I wake up to wish him a happy birthday and get dressed while I wait for a reply. I wish he would have stayed, but, in the light of day, I’m a little relieved to not have to deal with the awkward morning-after-a-first-date thing.

With a sigh I put my phone into my bag and head downstairs to meet Landon, to tell him I’m going to miss half the day today in order to get Hardin a birthday present.

I
t’s gonna be sick, man,” Nate tells me as he climbs onto the stone wall at the end of the parking lot.

“Sure it will,” I remark. I move out of the way of Logan’s cigarette smoke and sit next to Nate.

“It will, and you better not bitch out, because we’ve had this planned for months,” Logan tells me.

My legs swing back and forth, and for a second I think of pushing Logan off the stone wall for all the shit he gave me about taking my piercings out.

“I’m coming. I already told you I was.”

“Are you bringing her?” Nate asks, obviously talking about Tess.

“Nah, she’s busy.”

“Busy? It’s your twenty-first birthday, dude. You took your rings out for her, she needs to be there,” Logan remarks.

“Whenever she comes, shit always goes down anyway. And for the last fucking time, I didn’t take them out for her.” I roll my eyes and trace the cracks in the concrete.

“Maybe you should have her beat Molly’s ass again—that was priceless.” Nate chuckles.

“That was so funny; she’s funny when she’s drunk, too. And when she cusses it’s so funny. It’s like hearing my Nan cuss.” Logan laughs along with Nate.

“Would you two just shut the fuck up about her, already? She’s not coming.”

“All right, calm down, would you?” Nate asks with a smile.

I wish the two of them hadn’t put together a party for me, because I wanted to spend my birthday with Tessa. I don’t really give a shit about birthdays, but I wanted to see her. I know she doesn’t have shit to do, she just doesn’t want to be around my friends—not that I blame her.

“Is something going on with you and Zed?” Nate asks as we head to class.

“Yeah, he’s a dick and won’t stay away from Tessa. Why?”

“I’m just wondering because I saw Tessa going into the environmental-whatever-the-fuck-it’s-called building and I thought it was weird . . .” Nate tells me.

“When was this?”

“Like two days ago. Monday, I think.”

“Are you . . .” But I stop midsentence because I know he’s serious.

Goddammit, Tessa, what part of “stay the fuck away from Zed” do you not understand?

“You don’t care if he comes, though, right? Because we already told everybody and I don’t want to uninvite anyone,” Nate says; he’s always been the nice one out of our group.

“I don’t give a shit. He’s not the one fucking her, I am,” I tell him and he laughs. If he only knew what was actually going on.

Nate and Logan leave me in front of the athletic building, and I have to admit I’m anxious to see Tessa. I wonder how she wore her hair today and if she’ll be in those pants that I love so much.

What the fuck?
It still blows my mind the way I think about the dumbest shit. Months ago, if you’d told me I’d be daydreaming about the way some girl was wearing her hair, I would have knocked your teeth out. And yet here I am hoping that Tessa’s pulled hers back so I can see her face.

LATER, I CAN’T BELIEVE
I’m back at the frat house again. It feels like ages ago that I lived here. I don’t miss it at all, but I don’t exactly love living in that apartment alone either.

This year has been fucking insane. I really can’t believe I’m twenty-one now and will be finished with university next year. My mum kept crying on the phone earlier about how I’m growing up too quickly, and I ended up hanging up on her because she just wouldn’t stop. In my defense, I was somewhat polite about it, acting as if my phone was about to die the whole conversation.

The house is packed, the street is lined with cars, and I wonder who the fuck-all these people are that are here for my birthday. I know the party isn’t totally for me. It’s just an excuse to throw a big-ass party, but still. Just as I begin to wish Tessa were here, I spot Molly’s hideous pink hair and I’m glad Tessa didn’t come.