Austin didn’t know a lot about autism, either, but he had at least heard of that disorder. Was Asperger's like that, then? "Uh." He cleared his throat, feeling the need to tread carefully. "Does this Asperger syndrome cause your breathing problem?"
"No." Cam shook his head, slowing his rocking. "No. That’s my anxiety disorder. It's what fucks me up." He tapped his temple. "I gotta be in control of my life. If I lose control, I panic. I don’t fucking like it."
Jesus Christ, Austin thought. They were certainly not in control of their lives here.
"I'm not a fucking retard," Cam spat out. "Before this, I hadn't had an attack in years. I don't like small spaces, I can't handle many people at the same time, I'm antisocial, I gotta have routines…but I ain't dumb." Cam's glare dared Austin to defy his words.
"Did I say you were dumb?" Austin arched a brow.
"I'm highly functioning." Cam went on as if Austin hadn't said a word. "I was behind when I was a kid, but that’s fucking it. So what if I didn’t speak 'til I was four?" He scowled at the floor. "And so what if I don’t like people?"
Austin didn’t reply. Not because he agreed or disagreed, but because he didn’t know what to say.
"Don’t treat me any different just 'cause you know now," Cam finished in a mutter.
"I won't," Austin responded quietly, not sure he meant it.
*
When Cam began to hyperventilate, he called Landon instead. He was sick of Austin seeing him this way.
On Friday, Austin found himself watching the clock as they ate an early dinner.
Jade hadn't liked the idea of Austin going to a bar after his session with Angelo a few days ago, and she had flat out refused to let him skip dinner. So, they'd come to a compromise. He could go out today when Jade had plans to take Riley to visit her parents in Delano. They were spending the weekend, too, so that was that.
"All done!" Riley declared and pushed the plate away from her. "Can I watch some TV before we go?"
"Of course," Austin said as Jade said, "No."
Riley scrunched her nose and watched her parents as they stared at each other.
"We eat together," Jade insisted. "It's how it's always been."
Austin refused to cave, though. While keeping his gaze fixed on Jade, he told Riley, "You're excused, baby girl. Just put your plate in the dishwasher first."
Riley quietly thanked them for dinner and put the plate in the dishwasher before she quickly escaped the tension building in the kitchen.
"What the hell, Austin?" Jade gritted out. "It's like you're not you anymore."
"I'm not!" he whisper-shouted. "How many times do I have to tell you that?" He had tried. God, had he tried. Mostly after his sessions with Gale, he had come home wanting to talk about them, but Jade didn’t want to hear it. She reluctantly listened until she could find some emergency to deal with. "I've told you I feel different, that I need time—"
"I want my husband back," Jade said as her eyes welled up. "You were taken from me, and now that you're home again, you're still not you."
Austin felt like he was talking to a brick wall. "You're not listening to me, Jade." He lowered his voice and tried to be patient, but it wasn’t easy with all that anger bottled up inside. "I can't
help
it." He placed a hand on his chest. "I need time to readjust, and things
will
be different—"
"But I don’t want it to be different!" she cried. "I want us to have what we used to have. I want us to go back to normal. But you won't do that." She wiped away some tears. "You're always on edge, you can't sit still—it feels like I'm walking on eggshells around you!"
Austin shook his head, at a loss. Yeah, he was on edge—constantly—but he had never done anything to make Jade feel frightened, or as she said, walk on eggshells. He tried to do her bidding as much as he could in order to "go back to normal," but it wasn’t working.
"I'm not a magician," he said quietly. "I can't snap my fingers and forget what I've been through. I haven't even been back in this house a
month
yet. What you're asking is too much."
"Then we have a problem," Jade choked out.
"Are you serious?" Austin couldn’t believe how cold she was being. "After fifteen years together, you can't even support me on this?"
It made him question why he was even sitting here having this discussion. He needed time to gather his thoughts, to find out what it was he wanted for himself, but it clearly wouldn’t be his own wife if she was hell-bent on having the old Austin back. To her, it seemed like it was all or nothing.
"I'm sorry," she whimpered, looking guilty for some reason. "But I'm struggling, too, Austin. And I can't handle this."
"You haven't even tried!" he replied furiously. "We haven't talked about
shit
, Jade." He was getting riled up. "You've been offered counseling, just like the other family members, and you turned that down.
I
have tried to talk to you about what I've been through, and what
you've
been through, but you shut that down, too." Shaking his head, he stood up and threw the napkin on the table. "I'll go talk to Riley, then I'm leaving."
Maybe a weekend alone was just what he needed.
Saying goodbye to Riley wasn’t easy. She tried to convince him to come with them to Gramma and Grampa, but he couldn’t. The more he thought about it, the more he realized time on his own might help. He did promise to call her, though, and they made plans to go to LA together next week. "We'll head out early in the morning, spend the day on the beach, and then we'll come home late," he told her, which made her smile again.
*
When Austin arrived at the bar Angelo had suggested, he knew what he was getting into. It was clear now that Angelo thought he was gay, because after checking online, he'd found out this bar was one of the very few gay-friendly places to go in Bakersfield.
It was a dive bar, and a small, live band was playing when Austin sat down at the end of the bar and ordered a beer. It didn’t…look…like a gay bar. The floor was sticky, a few older guys were occupying the pool table, a couple younger girls were squealing at…something…and the crowd seemed to be into the bluesy rock the band was playing. But what the hell did he know? Austin had never been to a gay bar before, but he wanted to come here tonight.
He wondered if Cam had been here.
Yeah, he couldn’t stop thinking about that man. They hadn't spoken in days, and Austin was afraid Cam was avoiding him. To escape the risk of rejection, Austin hadn't reached out. Which ultimately made him wonder if he was in high school. An almost forty-year-old man should probably call Cam up and clear the air—if that was necessary.
Subtly glancing around him, Austin sipped his beer and thought about the stupidest shit: who was gay and who wasn’t. When others looked at him, did they wonder the same? Probably not. He felt ridiculous. And self-conscious. He was dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a gray button-down; nothing was weird with that, was it?
"This seat taken?"
Tilting his head, Austin saw a man watching him. "No. Go ahead."
The man was younger, probably by ten years or so, and he was…fine, he was attractive, Austin could admit that. Maybe a bit too boyish, though. Blond, blue-eyed, slender, and more cute than sexy.
What the fuck was going on with him? Austin found himself questioning everything, but at the same time, he was fairly accepting of anything new. He just wished he could understand it. He wanted something concrete to stick to.
"I'm Brian." The man stuck out his hand and smiled.
Austin nodded with a dip of his chin and shook his hand. "Austin."
Brian's smile brightened. "Nice to see a new face around here. But…you do look familiar. Have I seen you somewhere before?" His eyes raked over Austin's body, making him slightly uncomfortable. "Hmm. Married, are we?" He eyed the ring on Austin's finger.
"Yes."
Brian hummed and took a sip from his own beer. "Love is a bitch. I'm trying to get over mine."
"Really." It wasn’t a question. Austin was in way over his head, and he wondered if maybe he'd been out of the bar scene for too long. Not that it had ever really been his scene, but in his college years, he did go out occasionally—when his roommate had managed to drag him out.
"Yeah, so I should probably stop texting him." Brian sighed wistfully. "He's this broody kind of guy, bad-boyish with a leather jacket to match—the one you'll hopelessly fall for, all while knowing he just sees you as a casual fuck-buddy." Well, if there was any question about Brian's sexual preferences, Austin just received the confirmation. "I knew it wasn’t gonna last, and we weren’t exclusive or anything, but…" He waved a hand. "So, anyway, what brings you here? Meeting someone?"
Austin shook his head no. "Just wanted to go out for a beer." Or fourteen.
"You've come to the right place, then!" Brian's bright smile was back. "I'm actually a bartender here, but it's my day off." Facing the bar, he yelled to someone named Christina, and she appeared right away. "Honey, how about some shots for us?" He turned to Austin again and asked, "What's your poison, handsome?"
Fuck beer, Austin decided. "Jäger, thanks." He'd go for bourbon, but that was meant to be savored. Not downed.
"A man's man." Brian winked. "I love it. I'll have tequila. Christina honey, you know what I like."
Soon, both men had shots lined up, and Christina had left the bottles with them. Not very wise, but whatever.
*
"Okay, I think I have you figured out now," Brian slurred and pointed a wobbly finger in Austin's face.
Austin chuckled and threw back another shot. His new friend could not handle his liquor, that was for certain. Granted, Austin was definitely drunk, but he could still stand straight. Brian was three sheets to the wind.
"You're married to a woman," Brian stated, and Austin nodded. "But you're not here for the cheap drinks. And I think—yes, I think you're bi-curious. Am I close?"
Austin smiled and shrugged, as if to say, "Maybe. Maybe not."
He honestly didn’t know, because there had never been anyone to tell him that a man couldn’t appreciate another man's good looks. He hadn't known that meant gay to some.
Over the years, he had found many men attractive, but that didn’t mean he wanted to fuck them. With the booze flowing, however, it was easier to confess to himself that sometimes he wanted to get so close to Cam that he'd be under the man's skin. The morning he'd woken up wrapped around Cam…that had felt so fucking
right
. It had been thrilling as well as comforting.
"It's too bad you're married, honey." Brian leaned close and put a hand on Austin's thigh. "I would've
loved
to show you some stuff."
Austin laughed and was about to say something, but a man bumped into Brian from behind and spat out, "Get a fucking room, cocksuckers."
"Oh!" Some of the guys around the bar erupted.
Austin saw red, but before he could even react, a flashback nearly knocked him over.
*
"Finish the damn food, Cam," Austin said impatiently. "You're never going to be able to keep up your strength if you don’t eat."
"Shut the fuck up, cocksucker."
Austin gritted his teeth and chugged the last of his soup straight out of the bowl. It'd been like this for the past few days—ever since Cam had revealed his disorder, that Asperger whatever-it-was. Cam had been defensive, hostile, and cursing more than he usually did. He'd also returned to sitting on his cot doing nothing. No more working out, no eating properly; it was like Cam had shut down.
It infuriated Austin as well as it worried him. If he was ever going to see his daughter again, he needed Cam to be alert. They needed strength—it always came down to that. If they dissolved into nothing, they wouldn’t be able to fight. They had to keep hoping that an opportunity would arise, and if…
when
it did, they had to be ready.
More often than not, their sleep was disrupted by cries and shouts. Nightmares had become a given as soon as they shut their eyes. Chris, especially, who was still sharing his cell with a corpse.
"Nothing to say, huh?" Cam chuckled darkly. "Maybe that means it's true. You're a cocksucker."
Austin flew up from his cot, crossed the small cell, and yanked Cam up by the collar of his filthy T-shirt. With a furious glare, he stared down the younger man who was a few inches shorter than his six four.
"You think acting like a high school bully makes you cool?" He tightened his grip on Cam's shirt. "You think it makes you look strong?"
"Get your fucking hands off me," Cam seethed and grabbed at Austin's forearms. "You don’t know who the fuck you're dealin' with."
Austin laughed and shoved him away—roughly. "I know a pathetic jerk when I see one. You want to be a dick? Fine." He looked down at Cam, who'd ended up on the floor, in disgust. "If you're so strong and smart—" leaning down, he stabbed a finger at Cam's forehead "—use that anger to do something useful instead."
Cam said nothing; he just glared up at Austin.
*
Austin shook his head quickly, feeling dizzy from both the flashback and the alcohol, and got up on his feet. He faced the bastard who needed to learn some goddamn manners and seethed. "What the fuck did you just say?" Grabbing onto the bartop, he steadied himself.
"Just calm down now," Brian cautioned. "There's always one bad egg—come on, Austin. Christina's already called the bouncer."
"I think you heard me the first time, fag," the man said with a smirk.
Austin Huntley had finally found a physical outlet for all his anger.
Cam knew how important discipline was for dogs, so if he allowed Bourbon in the bed one time, he'd have to struggle all the more later when he weighed seventy pounds. It wouldn’t be so precious to have Bourbon up there then. Also, what if he was jostled awake one night by a puppy but automatically thought it was Psycho?