Against Me (Cedar Tree Book 3) (8 page)

But before I have a chance to wrap my lips fully around his length, I hear him mumble something about a kiss and he pulls back from my mouth and my hand. I can feel the loss. The sound of his jeans pulling up and his heavy footfalls leaving the room without a word snap me out of my daze and full into embarrassment. Hearing the front door close, I finally lift my eyes.
Son of a bitch
.

I don't want to cry. I feel like it, but I don't want to because after the day I've had, I don't know if I'll be able to stop once I start. I pull the bags off the bed, grab my PJ's and toothbrush and head into the bathroom for a quick clean up before I pull myself up and into the bed, where I roll on my side, hoping for sleep to come.

I
t's not long before a light knock on the door is immediately followed by a soft, "Hello? Katie?"

I stifle the urge to hide my head under the pillow on hearing Emma's voice filter into the bedroom. Her wild head of curls appears in the doorway shortly after.

"Hey, sorry. Didn't realize you'd gone to bed already. I just wanted to check in and say hi." Turning around to leave, I quickly stop her with a raised hand.

"No, no. I wasn't sleeping, just... caving," I confess with a grimace.

"Caving?" Emma questions, a small smile on her face, "Yes, I guess that's a good term for it. I've been known to do that once or twice, holing up in a dark corner until the world stops spinning and leaves you the fuck alone. Something like that?"

A laugh bubbles up in my chest, and with it a tiny corner of the tight hold on my day's emotions peels up. Shit. With the first tear only halfway down my cheek, Emma has already somehow managed to get herself halfway on the bed beside me, hugging me close. I should be completely weirded out by this, but I'm too tired and wrought out at this point to feel anything but relief at the comforting arms around me. So the floodgates break open. For the next ten minutes or so, I let it all out, broken open by the unfamiliar feel of a nurturing hand stroking my back and the soft words of comfort murmured in my ear. When I finally pull back, I'm shocked to see Emma's face as wet as mine is with tears of her own.

"I think we needed that. Yeah?" She smiles through her tears, leaning over to grab a box of tissues off the nightstand.

"Guess so," I mumble, still a bit embarrassed at my breakdown and stunned at Emma's show of emotion. "I'm not usually one for crying."

Emma snorts out a laugh, "Yeah, I gathered as much, girl. Doesn't mean it isn't good to let 'er rip every now and then. Think of it as a cleansing."

Hmm, a cleansing. I have to admit I do feel lighter somehow.

"When Caleb came storming in the backdoor and made a beeline for the office, I figured something might be off, so I came to check. Guess it's been an intense kinda day all around."

This time it's my turn to snort. "Understatement of the year."

"Yeah. I figured that when Gus showed up shortly after you guys pulled up to the guesthouse and could barely throw me a hello and a kiss before he thundered through to the back office. Both guys are locked in there now, plotting God knows what and letting all that testosterone fly. I thought I'd come see what damage Caleb had done here before he came tearing in."

God that woman is funny; she has me laughing out loud now, her eyes sparkling with a remainder of earlier tears and a healthy dose of humor. I’m finding a whole new understanding of what makes her so special, and I have to admit that she’s perfect for Gus. On impulse, I give her a hug.

"Thank you," I tell her quietly, before letting her go.

"Well now that we have the sappy stuff out of the way, let's get to the dirt. What
did
that idiot do, before he came over?"

"Erm, well, we kinda had a fight."

"Figured that one out myself. I need more."

"Okay," I hesitate. I don't know how to 'do' girl talk. Haven't had much experience.

"Just spit it out. Rip it off like a band aid, it's not that hard." She’s laughing at me now.

"Fine. I may have said something about it not being a good idea to bring me here because of what it might remind you of, and I also may have told him he wasn't responsible for looking after me."

"Alright, the first is a load of crap, and the second isn’t smelling that pretty, either. What is wrong with you?" She gives me a playful shove that almost sends me tumbling off the bed. "Oops, sorry. That was a little harder than intended," she chuckles sheepishly.

I shrug my shoulders, "Just used to being a bit of a loner, I guess. Not good with people just being nice for the sake of being nice."

"You are a ditz, Katie. Seriously. They're not being nice for the sake of being nice; they're being nice because of you. They
want
to be nice to you. Hell, we want to be nice to you because you're a likeable person, believe it or not," she snickers, "but I get the feeling maybe you haven't been told a whole lot. That's ok, we'll work on that," she says with a firm nod. "But fill me in on the day. All Gus would say was that you were in trouble when he left in a hurry this morning, and just now he barely said anything when he got home, so I'm flailing in the dark here."

Thinking about how my day started filled me with the instant weight of guilt over poor Sue. I'd only known her for a few months and only superficially at that, but she never failed to stop and chat for a bit about all kinds of stuff. The closest I'd really ever come to having a female friend since I was a teenager. The thought that I was upstairs very uncharacteristically drowning myself into a bottle of Scotch because I was feeling scared and sorry for myself while someone killed her just outside my window, didn't sit particularly well. Then there is missing Juan, who I'm positive was scared out of his wits and I did nothing for him. Me, top notch security expert, sat right next door, sucking back the Glenfiddich while someone took him from his room.

Haltingly at first, but then spilling out the sequence of events to Emma is like a purging of a different kind. She just looks at me, her mouth falling a bit wider as my story comes tumbling out.

"My," she croaks out after she swallows deeply, "Even in a care facility you manage to lead an exciting life," causing me to snicker this time.

"Not something I was looking for, I promise."

"I figure that. So what happens now? Gus just called from the road this afternoon saying you'd be staying here, which is wonderful by the way. It's exactly what I was talking to Caleb about the other day, anyway."

I must have had confusion written all over my face, because she mutters '
oh shit,'
under her breath.

"Guess he didn't have much of a chance to talk with you yet, huh? Fuck me. Mouth is running away on me again."

"Yeah. Not sure what you're talking about, but it sounds just like Caleb not to clue me in. He didn't on the discussions about where I was going to be going or staying."

Working up a good head of steam, I don't hold back.

"He's moving me around like a pesky piece of furniture that doesn't really fit but he can't get rid of. I'm sick of it. He makes these obligatory visits to Larchwood to see if I'm still breathing and then he's off to save the world again, and I don't even understand why he's taken on the responsibility. I hate feeling like someone's responsibility. Most of the time I don't know what the man is thinking, except the one time when I think it is obvious; when he does something so outside of his self-controlled norm, so glaringly provocative that I act on it, he fucking walks away! Arghh!"

My hands grip my short locks and I pull, wanting to feel the sting in my scalp, I'm so frustrated. All I hear beside me is a soft chuckle.

"Don't laugh, it's not funny. He seriously makes me lose control. I'm not this person; this crazy, emotional mess! I don't even know myself like this," I tell her, exasperated.

"You have feelings for him," Emma smiles at me.

Wait. What?

"You kidding me? I've known Caleb for years, he's a friend―at least I thought he was," I mumble. "Besides, I don't see him like that, I–" But as soon as the words leave my mouth, I recognize the lie in them and shut my mouth with a snap. Something is happening to me and I don't know if I like it. I can't deny my body's instant response to him, the need to touch him, taste him, and the surge of feelings that evoked in me, but it also makes me feel unusually vulnerable, and
that
I do not like at all.

Emma is quietly observing as I process the little bit of insight I've just gleaned, and I finally turn to her, not quite ready to drop all my defenses.

"Whatever messed up thing I might be feeling, Emma, it's probably a result of my scrambled brain. I hardly recognize myself these days, and what I do see, I can barely stand. I can pretty much guarantee that whatever misplaced emotions I might have, Caleb has zero feelings for me."

"That man feels for you. I don't care what excuses you pull out of your hat. If you gave yourself a minute to think clearly, you'd see that no one would be so attentive and protective of someone they saw as a responsibility. Smarten up."

The sharp retort hit its mark as I’m once again put in my place. I take a minute to consider Emma's words before I answer carefully.

"Not so sure you're right about Caleb, though. He tore out of here pretty fast when I... when he... oh, never mind."

"Oh pray tell. I just know this is too good to ignore," Emma begs, a lighter tone to her voice.

"Let's just say for a minute it got intimate and I guess he immediately regretted it because he was gone so fast, I didn't even see him leave"

"You didn't see me leave because your head was still down. I know, because I looked over my shoulder."

My heart skips up in my throat when hear the familiar smooth voice coming from the doorway. I look up to see Caleb standing there. How in hell did he get in here? I didn't hear a thing.

"And for the record, there are many things I regret, but that 'intimate moment', as you so eloquently put it, is not one of them."

As Caleb's hazel eyes drill into mine, the intensity turning them almost dark brown, I can sense Emma sliding off the bed.

"Well now," she announces, "I have a feeling my presence is no longer needed here." And jauntily maneuvers her walker through the doorway where she stops to give Caleb a pat on his chest. "About fucking time, buddy," she says, before leaving through the front door.

T
he sight of her dark head bending forward, long lashes feathered on her cheekbones and her wet, pink tongue sliding out to taste my cock is like a 150,000 volt electric jolt to my system that instantly sets all my body hair on end. The urge to grab her head and force myself deep into the hot recesses of her mouth is making me shake.
Have her suck me hard and make me spill myself down her throat
. With my last thread of control, before I molest her where she sits, I force myself to step back, tuck my painfully hard erection in my jeans and walk out the door. One look over my shoulder before leaving the bedroom gives me a glimpse of a confused, rejected, and embarrassed Katie. Fuck. I've come to care for this woman so much, which is why I’m determined to get a grip before I trust myself near her again, so without another word, I head over to the main house.

"I'm screwed." Is what I tell Gus when I barge into his office.

He’s sitting with his back to the door, working on one of the various computers on his desk. Without turning around, he deadpans, "Yeah? What else is new?"

"Serious here, man. I'm on eggshells, constantly fucking up. Can't say the right thing if my life depended on it." My fingers are furiously tapping the edge of the desk with barely contained energy.

"Stop that."

"What?"

Gus swivels his chair around and grabs my wrist, "
That
," he says firmly, shooting me a 'don't-fuck-with-me' look, so I tuck my hands in my pockets.

"Now, I know what the problem is and I suspect you know what the problem is too. Don't need me to tell you that that woman in there has you in knots. I've known it since I walked in on you holding her bleeding head together in your lap. Wasn't hard to tell you were holding your life in your hands." He pauses, giving me a minute to recognize the truth of his words and relive the horrific memory of those moments. "But my friend, how long are you gonna sit idle? If not for this shit happening at Larchwood, you'd be satisfied to wait for years for her to show a sign of life so you could make a move. Your stoic patience is one of your strengths, Caleb, but in this case, it may well be the one thing that hangs you. Moving Katie here and under your nose may not be ideal, but fuck it. You need to pull your finger out and get with the program."

He's right. Of course he's right, but moving forward also means taking a risk. Truth? I'm scared. I've waited for Katie for years, learned to be satisfied with even a peripheral presence in her life, but if I push for more, I run the chance of ending up with nada. Zilch.

"Two days, Caleb. Take two days with Katie to talk or do whatever the fuck is needed to settle you down. We'll spend some time tomorrow going over this case and the weird fluke that has ended Katie up to her neck into an already complex investigation that just got a hell of a lot more complicated. After that, you head back to Shiprock and see what can be salvaged from your assignment there."