Alaska Twilight (17 page)

“Like Chloe?” Joy nodded. “Everyone says that. We both look like Dad.”

“How did you come to live with my, er, our parents?” Haley asked. She’d work up to asking about the fire later.

Joy examined Haley’s face. “Mama was an archeologist who worked with your parents. Your mom was sick, and I guess Dad noticed Mama. I didn’t know who my dad was until Mama died in a diabetic coma when I was at school one day. I freaked at first, sure I was going to get stuck living with my aunt and uncle Worley. Our lawyer gave me a letter from Mama that told me everything and said I was to go to my father if anything happened to her. It was pretty wild going to the door that first time. I was scared, but Dad took me right in. And Maggie was great to me right off.” Her smile didn’t reach her eyes. “I know now it was because I looked so much like Chloe. I didn’t know for a long time that they had another daughter. It was kind of weird the way they never talked about you.”

Haley’s eyes burned, and she couldn’t have vocalized a sound past the lump in her throat if her life had depended on it. This wasn’t news to her, so why was she upset? She took several shallow breaths and willed herself not to feel the ache in her heart.

“What did you do?” Joy asked. “They always acted like it was too shameful to talk about. There’s nothing that bad.”

Haley looked into Joy’s curious eyes. “Chloe was the perfect child. I don’t remember ever hearing her cry. I was into one scrape after another. It was natural they would prefer her.”

“Parents aren’t supposed to play favorites,” Tank said.

“Maybe not, but it was hard not to with Chloe. She brightened all our lives.”

“So what did you do?” Joy asked again. “Something you did when you were a kid is nothing to get a wedgie over.” She took a bite of her ice cream.

It would have been so easy to accept Joy’s way out, to not take the blame for what happened, but Haley had to be honest. She shook her head. “I could be vindictive sometimes.”

“All kids can be.”

“Not to the extent I was.” Haley was suddenly tired of hiding the truth. Once they knew, they’d let her alone to take her pictures. She rubbed her forehead. “I killed my sister when I was eight.”

Joy put her spoon down. “I’m sure it was accidental.”

Haley shook her head. “Chloe had broken my favorite doll, and I hit her. I got in trouble when she cried, and I decided she needed to get in trouble herself.

She was never in trouble, and though I loved her, I got tired of it sometimes.”

“I can understand that,” Tank said.

His soft voice urged her on. She’d show him there was nothing about her to be admired. “At an archeological dig in the Wrangell Mountains, there was an old mine we were never supposed to go into. It wasn’t safe.

We were camped there, and I talked Chloe into going with me to explore. I was going to tell my mother that it was Chloe’s idea.” She smiled. “Stupid, really. My parents knew both our temperaments well enough to know whose idea it was. But I was only eight, and it seemed perfectly logical then.”

She took a deep breath. “We went to the mine. I had a flashlight, and we went down a narrow tunnel that looked interesting. We were just about to go back when it fell in.” Even now, she could smell the choking dust, hear Chloe’s screams. And her own. “We were trapped by the cave-in, and we just had to hope our parents would find us in time. Rocks fell on both of us. That’s how I lost my leg.”

She patted her pant leg where it ended below the knee. “But Chloe died. Not right away. My flashlight was lost in the cave-in, and I talked to her through the hours. Her voice kept getting weaker and weaker. Finally, she didn’t answer no matter how much I begged.” She fell silent. A fresh wave of grief overwhelmed her. “I loved her so much,” she choked. “I never wanted to hurt her.”

“You were just a child.” Tank’s big hand covered hers. “You can’t blame yourself.”

Haley didn’t look at him or Joy, but pushed on to finish the story. “My parents were devastated. They tried to pick up the pieces at first—to go on loving me. But gradually the full story came out about how I wanted to punish Chloe. They changed after that. A month later they sent me to my grandmother.”

“Did they never come to see you?” Joy’s voice was a horrified whisper. “I can’t believe it. They were always so kind to me.”

“I saw them a couple of times,” Haley admitted. “They came home one year for Christmas, and another time they visited on my birthday. I ran to hug my mother, but she pushed me away.” She noticed the horror and censure on the faces of her companions. “It’s okay,” she assured them. “I got used to it. And my grandmother filled the void. She loves me in spite of my faults.”

Tears were streaming down Joy’s face. “I hate them,” she muttered. “How could they?”

“They were right,” Haley said. “I deserved their hatred. I learned at an early age what I was capable of. I’ve never forgotten it, and I’ve tried so hard to become a better person because of it.”

Tank shook his head. “You were their daughter. Parents are supposed to have unconditional love for their children.”

“I don’t blame them. I have to pay for my mistakes. That’s justice.”

Tank took her hand. “It’s time you forgave yourself and put it behind you. You were a kid, Haley. Kids are kids. You didn’t maliciously set out to hurt her.”

“Now you sound like Augusta.” Haley stirred her melting ice cream.

“God loves you,” Joy said. “I don’t think you know that, but he does.”

“If that’s love, I don’t need it,” Haley said. “He let my sister die though I begged him to save her. He doesn’t listen.”

“God never said we wouldn’t have sorrow,” Tank said. “I find it odd that you’d excuse your parents but not God. He is the ultimate judge and makes correct decisions on everything, unlike our earthly parents. He was with you in that dark hole, and he’s with you now. He can turn even this out for your good if you’d let him.”

“I don’t want good to come out of it—that would make it worse. Besides, the difference is that God could have done something about Chloe, and he didn’t.”

“Your parents could have chosen to forgive your childish acting out too, and they didn’t.”

Haley stood and tossed her warm ice cream in the trash receptacle by the door. “I’d better go check on Augusta. Thanks for listening.” She grabbed up her crutches.

“Can I meet our grandmother?” Joy asked.

“It’s getting late,” Haley pointed out. “How about later? If you can get permission, call me, and I’ll come get you.”

Joy stood and rushed to hug her. Haley let the girl enfold her in her arms, but it was as though she stood outside the scene watching it through her viewfinder.

Tank wasn’t sure how to breach the awkward silence. Haley swung along on her crutches without looking to the right or the left. Her face was set and strained, and he knew revealing her past had taken a huge toll on her mental state. Poor kid. She was beating herself up over a foolish childhood mistake, and it looked like she intended to continue for the rest of her life.

He cleared his throat. “That took guts to tell us.” She glanced up at him, then quickly looked away, but not before he saw the moisture in her eyes. She didn’t answer, so he tried again to break past the wall she was busy erecting. “Talking about it helps. Keeping the pain bottled up just makes it hurt worse.”

She didn’t look up from her scrutiny of the path in front of her. “I don’t notice you talking about things much. You never mention your wife’s death.”

He winced. She knew how to turn the tables on him. “Sorry. You’re right. It’s not easy to talk about things you feel responsible for.”

She stopped and looked at him then. “I thought she drowned. How can you feel responsible for that?”

Her amber gaze pinned him in place. He shuffled his feet and looked away. “I should have realized she needed more of my time. Brooke’s birth threw her for a loop, and she wasn’t herself after that. When I wasn’t catching up on my research, I was doting on Brooke. I think Leigh felt left out. Just before she died, she said she needed some space, that she needed to talk to her dad about it. She was unhappy, and I didn’t do what I needed to fix it.”

He took off his floppy hat and rubbed his head. “I got home late that night, and she wasn’t there. Brooke was sleeping like a baby. I went out to look for Leigh. I never found her, so I called in help on the radio. Early the next morning, I found her in the lake.”

“I’m sorry.” Haley put her hand on his arm. “I know it’s hard to think about. But you still have Brooke.”

He covered her hand with his. Being this close to her somehow eased his pain. “The autopsy report just came back. Leigh had a high amount of a sleeping aid called Seconal in her blood. Ed Bixby thinks she killed herself.” Or worse, that Tank killed her, but he bit back the words.

Her fingers tightened on his; then she pulled her hand away. “Will that hurt your custody case?”

He hadn’t considered the possibility. A sudden pain flared at his temple. “I’d better let my lawyer know. Brooke is my life. I can’t lose her.” He checked his watch. “Libby should be here with her any minute. I thought they’d be here by now.”

They reached Chugach Street. A few beat-up trucks rumbled past, and Tank pulled Haley out of the way of the mud that came slinging up from the tires. Some light, appealing scent rose from her hair. The sunshine made it glow with even more fiery red. It was all he could do to resist bending down and pressing his lips to the top of her head and inhaling.

She looked up at him, and her eyes widened. He wondered if she felt the same pull he did. It was useless with so much separating them. He’d never live in a big city, and she would never live here. There was no way to reconcile their differences. Her spirit and courage drew him, but he had to resist it.

Thirteen

S
omeone had been cooking in the hotel. The odor of sausage and sauerkraut filled the hallway. Haley wanted to fling open the windows at the end of the hallway, then caught herself. It wasn’t the sauerkraut that made her feel she was walking through a nauseating mist. It was her own self-loathing. Telling the story to Joy and Tank had brought it all back.

She was thankful the hallway was deserted. Haley wouldn’t have been able to smile and greet another soul. She wanted to get to her room and curl up on her bed. Pull the covers over her head and forget where she was and why she was here. The warm sunshine of Phoenix seemed distant, though the cold she felt had little to do with the gray, cool air. She didn’t belong in this hallway with its faded green wallpaper that was peeling and bubbled in the corners. She longed to lift her face to warm Arizona sunshine, to pick up the threads of the life that had helped her to forget what had happened in this land of wide spaces and cold hearts.

But she was stuck now. She’d have to see it through. She fumbled with the key in the door. It slipped from her stiff, cold fingers and dropped onto the worn gold carpet. Balancing herself with the crutches, she stooped to retrieve it. Before she could try the lock again, the door swung open.

Augusta stood looking down at her. “You were gone so long, darling. I was beginning to worry. Where did you go?”

“To meet Joy.”

“How did it go?”

“Fine.” Haley stepped past Augusta and advanced to the bed.

“What was she like?”

Haley tried to ignore the eagerness in her grandmother’s voice. The hollow feeling between her shoulder blades wasn’t jealousy, she told herself. She looked at the faded bedspread and wondered how many people had sat on it other than herself. She folded it up and moved it to a chair. At least the sheets were clean and white. Pulling off her boot, she lay down on top of the bed.

“Don’t you dare take a nap when I’m dying to know everything that happened!” Augusta sat on the bed beside her.

Pinned by her grandmother’s blue-eyed gaze, Haley realized she wasn’t going to be able to escape in sleep. Hugging the pillow, she sat up and pushed her hair out of her face. “She’s perfect, okay? Wide-eyed, innocent, and totally deserving of my parents’ love.” She softened her tone at Augusta’s stricken face. “She wants to meet you. She looks just like Chloe, Augusta.”

Augusta leaned forward, and the familiar scent of Augusta’s peppermint breath whispered over her face. Augusta cupped Haley’s face in her hands. “Haley, you will always be my special one. You don’t have to worry about anyone taking your place in my heart. But there’s room for more in our family. Don’t let fear keep you from doing the right thing.”

Her cheeks burned. Augusta’s face blurred, and Haley blinked rapidly. “I want to go home, Augusta.”

Augusta straightened, and Haley recognized the Doris Day determination. “No, Haley. Running away won’t solve anything. I want you to face this, to forgive yourself once and for all.”

Haley pulled her face free. “I thought I might be able to do that here, Augusta. I would chronicle Chloe’s short life, face my fears and all the things I’d done like my shrink said, and be done with it, but she was wrong. The guilt is still there. I am to blame. My sister is dead because I wanted to hurt her! How can I forgive myself ?”

“You know why you can’t forgive yourself, Haley?”