Alaskan Adventure (Destination: Desire) (13 page)

Had other women treated him that way? Probably. She hated that he thought she was in the same shallow category. She couldn’t let him believe that, even if it might be easier for both of them if she broke it off with that kind of no-going-back sharpness.

“No,” she said, pushing herself upright and grabbing a pillow to cover her nudity, though she felt more stripped bare than she ever had in her life. But that was what love did sometimes, wasn’t it? Stripped you defenseless and then kicked you while you were down. “I didn’t…I
don’t
think of you that way.”

“So I do matter to you? This was more than an easy lay?” His green gaze pinned her in place, his expression so open and vulnerable that she couldn’t lie to him, even if logic told her she should.

“Yes,” she rasped. “This was more.”

Much, much more. It just couldn’t last. She had to cling to that bitter truth for all she was worth, because she wanted to dive into his arms, confess every feeling she had for him, and gamble on them working it out. But that kind of gamble wouldn’t pay off.

He shifted on the bed to face her fully. “Anne.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to lay it all out for you. You like blunt honesty, right?” He took a breath. “I think you should also quit your teaching job and become an outdoor guide. You’re a natural.”

A high-pitched laugh ripped out of her, and she knew it emerged a little hysterical. She laughed until she had tears in her eyes, until she had to brace her hand against the bed to keep from falling off the side. “Oh my God. Oh my God. That’s funny.”

“I wasn’t kidding,” he said stiffly.

“It was funny because one of my friends suggested the same thing.” She straightened and wiped her eyes. “Seriously, knowing how my mom is, can you imagine me being able to deal with that level of uncertainty? I’ve lived hand to mouth, praying I was able to cover all the bills so my sisters could eat better than ramen, and I might have a drama llama style meltdown if I had to do that again. No, I’m sorry. That nuts. That’s a cruel joke, not a hilarious one.”

He seemed to pale under his tan, but his jaw firmed. “You hate being a teacher.”

“I don’t
hate
it.” Yeah, she sounded far more defensive that she probably should. Which was telling, wasn’t it? She hugged her pillow and curled her toes into the sheets.

“You wanted to be a forest ranger.” He poked a finger at her.

Her chin rose. “Life doesn’t always give you what you want.”

“You hate the idea of going home.” His gaze dared her to disagree, to lie to him or herself. “I can feel the dread oozing out of you, and it’s gotten worse the closer we’ve gotten to Juneau.”

Direct hit. She sucked in a breath, wincing. She clenched her fingers into the pillowcase. “That’s more about dealing with my mother than my work, and you know I’m planning to sell the house and move away from her.”

“I don’t buy that,” he stated flatly. “It’s also about not wanting to go back to a job you don’t love. Life is too short to live it unhappy.”

“Life is too long not to have a retirement pension,” she fired back.

He arched an eyebrow. “Is that your only worry?”

“Don’t even go there, Camper Guru,” she snapped. “My worry is founded in solid facts. I’ve seen how being an unreliable spaz can fuck up your family. I’ve seen how it’s a struggle to make ends meet. I do not want to be a burden on my younger sisters when I’m too old or injured to keep working. Then I’ll be penniless
and
worthless. I would never do that to them or to myself.”

He shook his head, looking mulish. “There are ways to be financially solvent and only have seasonal employment. It’s not one or the other. If you would just—”

“Gabe, I can’t have this discussion.” She cut him off, because she’d heard every justification for not having a real career a person could come up with. From her mother. “I’m not giving up a good job with all the health insurance and retirement perks to run around the wilderness. It’s irresponsible and just plain stupid.”

“You mean
I’m
irresponsible and stupid, don’t you?” He stiffened.

“No.” She set her fingers on his wrist, glad he didn’t pull away. She wasn’t handling this well, but she was unapologetically frank. Gentle finesse was called for here, and she didn’t think she or Gabe possessed the necessary skills not to eviscerate each other. Still, she tried. She loved him too much to want to hurt him. “What’s right for you isn’t necessarily right for me. I’m glad you’re happy with your life, but I wouldn’t be. Sure, I’d love the work, but I’d spend every day worrying about how it was all going to work out when something went wrong. Because something always goes wrong. I enjoy walking on the wild side, Gabe, but I need a safety net. To be clear, that’s about
me,
not about you.”

“I can be your safety net.” He turned his arm, catching her hand and squeezing.

“No, you can’t.” Her laugh emerged closer to a sob. The problem wasn’t that she didn’t like his idea. The problem was that she liked it far too much. “What if we’re both injured at the same time? We’ll definitely both grow old at the same time. That’s no way to plan for the future.”

“It’s not as black and white as you’re painting it.” He leaned forward, his gaze earnest, but something desperate also flashed in his expression.

She tugged away from his grip. “Don’t tempt me with what I
know
is wrong, Gabe, what I know would make me unhappy in the end. If you care about me at all, you’ll stop now.”

“I more than care. I
love
you.” That desperation shone more intensely. “Is it me who would make you unhappy, or just my lifestyle?”

“Can you have one without the other?” She held up her hand, stopping anything he might have said. “Don’t answer that. I have to go home. I promised to be there for Meg and Finn. I’m in the wedding. And I never break promises to my friends. I’ve had my mom do that to me too often to do it to anyone else, especially the people I love.”

“I know.” He forked his fingers through the shaggy gold of his hair. A lock fell over his forehead, and she wanted to push it back, wanted to touch him so much it hurt. She kept her hands to herself.

“I’m sorry, Gabe. I never wanted to hurt you, but I don’t think we’re long-term relationship material.” She bit her lip, willing herself not to bawl like a baby. She would not have a freak out. She was
not
sinking down to her mother’s level when she didn’t get her way. But, damn, she wanted to.

She could wish that she or Gabe were a different sort of person, that their existences could mesh seamlessly, but that was a foolish wish. She didn’t believe in being foolish.

He watched her for several minutes, and then an honesty more brutal than even she managed came out of his mouth. “You’re making a huge mistake, and I think deep down you know it. You’re hurting us both because you’re too fucking scared to get over what your mom has put you through. You could have a life you actually
want
, but you’re playing the gutless coward instead. That’s not you, Anne. That’s not the woman I love.”

It would have been less painful if he’d slapped her.
Scared. Coward.
A tiny part of her mind recognized some truth in what he’d said, but she pushed that away. She needed to stay the course, no matter what. She’d looked at the situation from every angle, and there were no good choices, there was just the best of bad options.

She’d made her decision, for better or for worse.

He pushed to his feet and shoved himself back into his clothes.

“Goodbye, Anne. I hope your retirement plan makes you happy.”

It took every ounce of her control not to call him back when he strode out of her room, letting the door snap shut behind him. She stared into space for hours, arguing with herself. She’d done the right thing, for him and for herself. Maybe someday he’d realize it, and understand it hadn’t been easy for her. But she’d never know, would she? After tomorrow, she’d never see or hear from him again.

At some point during the night, she crawled out of bed, packed her bag and showered his scent from her body. There was no way she’d sleep, and she couldn’t bear to stay in the room where so much love had been made. She bundled into a jacket and went to sit in a lounge chair on the deck, watching the sunrise. She willed the time to pass faster.

The sooner this was over, the sooner she could put him behind her.

Chapter Ten

“I can’t believe you let her get away.” His mother shook her head at him. “If you don’t snap her up, Gabriel, someone else will. And you’ll feel like an idiot because you were too busy shoving your thumb up your ass to even ask her to stay with you.”

They sat in uncomfortable chairs in the airport. His dad had gone to fetch coffee while they waited to board. His parents’ flight had been delayed by several hours, so they’d decided not to go through security screening just yet. Which gave his mom ample opportunity to rub salt in Gabe’s raw feelings.

Fantastic, the day just got better and better. He hadn’t thought it could be worse than watching Anne disappear into the belly of a plane an hour ago. Some stupid part of him had hoped she’d turn around and come running back to him. He was a gigantic fool, and he’d stood at the window watching her flight taxi down the runway and take off.

That was it. Done. Over. She was gone. Forever.

If he thought bending over and howling like a wounded animal would mitigate even a little of his pain, he’d have tried it. But nothing was going to make this awful feeling better. Nothing.

“I mentioned the possibility of her being an outdoor guide like me and she laughed in my face.”

“Oh.” Some of Mom’s self-righteousness deflated.

His smile was unamused. “Yeah. Oh.”

“Why? She’d be great at it.” She squinted at him. “Is it the money thing? Did you tell her you could keep her financially comfortable for life? Or were you a stubborn ass who expected her to give up everything, just like that?”

Since he wanted to snap obscenities and anatomically impossible suggestions, he kept his mouth shut. She was his mother, after all.

She sighed and set a palm against his jaw. “Baby, I haven’t seen you this miserable since you worked for that start-up company and were a slave to your job.”

Miserable. There was the perfect word to describe how he felt right now. And yes, he hadn’t felt this soul-suckingly terrible since he’d lived in the Silicon Valley.

“Go after her,” she urged. “She loves you. You love her. Work it out.”

He shook his head, embarrassing moisture burning his eyes. “She thinks being with me would make her an irresponsible slacker.”

“She’s scared.”

He swiped at his face, clearing his throat. “Her mother is an irresponsible slacker that Anne’s let freeload off her for years, because she wanted to make sure her sisters were raised in a stable home.”

“Your dad said something like that.” Peggy’s face was sympathetic and proud at once. “I knew she was a good girl, but I like her even better now.”

Anne was the best. More amazing than any other woman he’d ever known. And she’d stomped all over his heart last night. He didn’t love her any less, masochist that he was. “She’s scared she’ll end up like her mother.”

“Poor lamb. That has to be hard.” She patted his knee. “She’s a tough cookie, but even the tough ones have their breaking point.”

He eyed her, trying for a teasing note. “Even you?”

“Even me.” She sighed, her brow knitting in a frown. “What if you didn’t ask her to give up her life and security?”

“What do you mean? There’s not going to be much work in her small town for a guide like me. Plus, I love what I do.
She
would love doing this too, if she’d only admit it.” Yeah, there was a hint of anger and bitterness to that last part. He wasn’t proud of it, but he’d lost the perfect woman because she was too stubborn to see the truth.

“So give her time to warm up to the idea.” His mom shook her head. “Men. Your gender is so black-and-white, so all-or-nothing. Maybe try
compromising.
Maybe try being the first one to bend in order to make a real relationship work.”

“What would that look like?” He snorted, trying to force himself to relax and failing. “Long-distance for three-quarters of the year? Is that the kind of relationship you’d want with anyone?”

Her expression held more than a little censure. “Maybe you could base yourself in Half Moon Bay, do weekend trips to the mountains, river rafting, maybe some one- or two-week trips. Both of you could do most of the summer on your cruise ships. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it? Different than the life you have now, but this way neither one of you sacrifices everything for the other—which would only breed resentment.”

It didn’t sound bad, actually. That rankled. “I still don’t think she’s happy with her current job. Would she resent me anyway for doing what she wished she could?”

“Nah. Anne’s not the type.” His mother’s grin was smug. “Within a year or two, she’ll pack it up and come with you.”

“I’m glad one of us is confident,” he replied, tone dry.

“She loves you, honey.” She squeezed his forearm. “And
you
love
her
, which is more to the point of this conversation. Love is worth fighting for, worth compromising for, especially when you love someone as awesome as her.”

But did Anne love him? He thought so, but he was also painfully aware that he was the only one who’d said it. She’d just walked—no
run
—away from even the idea of their relationship. He had a feeling she was running as much from herself as from him, but what proof did he have? What hope had she left him with? None. All he had to go on were his own instincts. If he went after her the way his mother suggested, he’d be taking one hell of a risk.

He met Mom’s gaze. “I’ll think about it.”

“Good.” She leaned back in her chair. “Don’t forget you have a trump card to play.”

“What’s that?” Because he could use a trump card right about now.

She spread her arms and gestured down at herself. “Me, dummy. And your father. Anne adores us. She might marry you just to keep us as parents. Don’t discount being able to offer fabulous in-laws. Women think about these things.”

“Your modesty and support is touching, Mother.” He sniffled theatrically, dabbing at the corner of his eye. “Really, it brings a tear.”

She swatted his shoulder, and looked as if she wanted to launch into another lecture, but Vince showed up with liquid caffeine and that kept her quiet for a while. It also gave Gabe the time to do some soul searching.

Maybe he hadn’t handled the situation well. He’d known Anne would be wary, but he’d been terrified of losing her, so he’d pushed too hard and lost her anyway. Bad move.

So, how was he going to fix this? He loved her too damn much to give up now. Determination solidified within him. He might get his heart drop-kicked again, but she was worth the risk. She was worth everything. And he’d guess the misery eating away at him since she’d departed would only get worse. Time was supposed to heal all wounds, and yet when it came to living without Anne…he didn’t think so.

Her mother started whining the moment Anne walked through the door. Julie had picked her up from the airport, taken one look at her, and driven her straight to Karen’s place. Meg had met them there, and Anne had given them the barest bones version of what had happened. Her friends knew she wasn’t telling them everything, but Anne just…couldn’t open up about it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. They’d stuffed her with good food, pampered her for a few hours, offered to let her stay in each of their guest bedrooms, but Anne had refused.

So Julie had driven Anne home, and her mother was in her face before she could even say hello.

“It’s about time you got here.” Dinah folded her arms across her breasts, pouting. “Your flight was supposed to land hours ago. I checked online and it wasn’t late. Where have you been?”

“I had dinner at Karen’s. You knew Julie was picking me up, and you told me you were busy at a client’s house with a makeup consultation, so there didn’t seem to be a reason to rush home.” Because her mother had forgotten about her, as usual. Anne was never her priority. She was used to it by now, and always had her backup plans in place.

“I was
working.”
Dinah sighed like a true martyr. “Isn’t that what you’re constantly nagging me to do?”

A little help with the bills didn’t seem like an outrageous, nagging thing to ask for, but Anne didn’t say that. She dropped her purse on the couch, walked to the laundry room at the rear of the house and shucked her backpack. Might as well start the wash immediately. It’d keep her hands occupied.

“You could have at least brought me some dinner too.” Mom gave her a look that was loaded with hurt feelings and reproach.

Anne opened the top of her backpack, ignoring the look and the attempt at making her feel guilty. She’d been traveling all day, she was exhausted emotionally and physically, everything inside her
ached
and, frankly, she was not responsible for feeding her mother. Dinah was perfectly capable of cooking, microwaving, or buying take-out.

“I didn’t like being here alone, Annie.” Her mother’s voice wobbled. “I want you to promise you’ll never abandon me for that long again.”

That made Anne freeze in place. She straightened and stared at her mother. She had no way of knowing exactly what her expression looked like, but her mom backed up a couple of steps.

“I will go on any trip I want, whenever I want, for as long as I want. I am an adult.” Her voice was low, calm and ice cold. “You are a full-grown woman, Dinah Kirby, and you don’t need me here to take care of you. I am not at your beck and call. Do I make myself clear?”

Lips trembling, her mom laid a hand to her breast. “Why is it so
wrong
to miss my daughter?”

“You didn’t say you missed me, you said you didn’t like being here on your own. Those are very different things.”

“What’s gotten into you, Anne? You’re acting so nasty and mean.” More voice wobbling, more attempts at guilt. “How can you speak to me this way? I’m your mother. I sacrificed so much of my life to raise you, and here you are, being so ungrateful.”

She’d
sacrificed?
She’d
sacrificed? Anne’s head was going to explode. A scream of primal rage welled up in her throat, and she balled her fists, trying to choke it down. What emerged instead was even worse.

She burst into tears.

She wasn’t sure who was more horrified—her or her mother. Anne wasn’t the one who cried, she didn’t have breakdowns. She was the one with her shit together.

“Oh, honey. What’s wrong? Is it man trouble?” Because Dinah was the queen of man trouble, since she went through boyfriends even more quickly than she went through jobs. Anne had forbidden her from bringing any dates home
ever
, which was the only time she’d put her foot down about anything with her mother. Now, Anne had man trouble too. Something almost excited gleamed in Mom’s gaze, but her face folded into concerned lines. “Tell me all about it. I’m sure I’ve been through it before.”

Without a shadow of a doubt, Anne knew her mother would make this about herself. She’d seen this so many times. Whenever her sisters or she had something go wrong, Mom used it as an excuse to have a meltdown, to cry and carry on, and generally bring the attention back to her. As much as she loved her mother, Anne knew—had always known—that Dinah was a basically selfish human being. Her children had always come second, would always come second, to whatever she wanted or needed.

Anne could accept that. It was just who Dinah Kirby was. There was no changing her into someone else.

But the thought of her taking this huge gaping maw of pain inside of Anne and making it fodder for her drama was just…no.
Fuck
no. What Anne had with Gabe was never, ever going to be something Dinah got to twist or manipulate for her own attention-whoring benefit.

That dried Anne’s tears and turned the resentment that had built and built within her for years into something dangerously close to hate.

She couldn’t do it, couldn’t be here. It was like trying to squeeze herself into an outfit she’d outgrown. The seams were about to split. After zipping her backpack again, she slung it over her shoulders and headed for the front door. She snagged her purse from the sofa on the way.

Her mother scrambled behind her. “Where are you going? You can’t leave. I’ve been here for
weeks
alone.”

“You’ll be fine, Mom.” She shoved her pack into the trunk of her subcompact.

“I won’t be fine.” Two fat tears rolled down Dinah’s face. “What’s going on? Why are you acting like this? How can you abandon me
again?”

Anne crawled into her car and slammed the door, shutting out the sound of her mother, who started to sob like a small, inconsolable child. She backed out of the driveway and drove aimlessly for almost an hour. She didn’t cry, didn’t think, just drove.

Finally, she pulled to the side of the road, dug her cell phone out of her purse, and called Julie. “Hey, do you need some help packing for your big move?”

And that was how the next week and a half went. Anne camped out with Julie for a couple of days until her sisters got into town for the wedding, and then she went back home to be with them. Dinah tried to be extra shades of nice because she no doubt sensed that she’d pushed too far this time, but Anne didn’t give a damn. Frankly, she didn’t really care about much of anything right now. She was just numb.

She attended the prerequisite meetings for the start of the school year, but none of the information seemed to gel in her mind. She joined her friends for all the wedding preparations, and went through the motions for their benefit. She laughed when she was supposed to laugh, smiled when she was supposed to smile, but she didn’t feel any of it.

It all felt so empty.
She
felt empty.

Except when she was missing Gabe, which was always.