Alice & Dorothy (13 page)

“It’s not fucked up,” Alice said. “I know what that’s like, believe me.” She wanted to add to the conversation. She wanted to tell Dorothy about how she’d followed a rabbit down a hole and had ended up standing knee deep in blood and body parts with a shrill ginger queen screaming at her from atop a heart shaped throne. She also wanted to tell her that her trip back to this world hadn’t been a single ticket trip. Someone had come back with her, someone who smelled like tanning chemicals and fresh leather and was picking through Alice’s memories like a filing cabinet and shouting all her dirty secrets to the world. She wanted to tell Dorothy about that moment in the hallway, when the Hater had appeared and then crawled inside her, and where he was now roosting behind her eyes, inside her brain, not as a metaphor or some abstract bullshit but as a real person in their; like if they took an X-ray of Alice’s skull they’d see him in there curled up around her optic nerves like some kind of grotesque parasitic twin.

Instead she said nothing. And then, thinking something might be better than nothing, she said: “So, are they going to let you out anytime soon?”

“I’m on medication right now,” Dorothy said. “Antidepressants, and another one might be an antipsychotic, I’m not sure. The nurses won’t really tell me what I’m taking. I’m going to be here for a little while, and then they might ship me up to the nuthouse if I need it. I hate the medication though, it makes me feel like shit all the time.”

She smiled a little, tossed Alice a
What can you do
look. She played with her hair. Toto was back in her lap, staring up at the ceiling with scratched plastic eyes. His tongue was hanging half out of his mouth, far to the side, like a summertime mutt trying to beat the heat.

“So why do you take them if they make you feel like crap?” Alice said.

“I dunno,” Dorothy shrugged. “I guess if I just do what they’re telling me, they’ll let me out sooner maybe? It kinda makes sense.”

“Fuck,” Alice snorted. “They won’t be giving me nothin’, unless they got those two fatass pig guards with them every time. I need a clear head if I’m gonna get out of here.”

“Where you gonna go?” Dorothy said carefully. “Back to your boyfriend?”

“Oh yeah,” Alice laughed. “Back to my hot big-cock boyfriend.” She shook her head and her blond hair danced off her shoulders. It was flirty, and she was a little surprised to catch herself doing it. She saw Dorothy looking at her. She didn’t look sad, exactly; maybe disappointed was a better word.

“I’m
kidding
,” she said, smiling at her. “I’m ready to swear off men forever at this rate.”

Dorothy was quiet, looking at her hands.

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” Alice said. A pang of emotion shot through her. Another crack in the wall she kept up around her. “I don’t really have anyone.”

“Yeah,” Dorothy whispered. “Me either.”

The door opened and a heavy nurse walked into the room. When she saw Alice and Dorothy together the crease on her face deepened into a full blown frown. She was carrying a chart and four little paper cups, and was dressed in one of those fruity nurses coats; one with bananas, oranges, and grapes scattered about in a repeating pattern. Harmless for adults, mildly entertaining for kids. Like getting needles, pills, and diaper changes from a clown. The
really
funny thing was how miserable these old nurses could be. That was a
big
joke, because they looked fun and happy until you talked to them, and they pissed bile in your face with every word they spoke.

Two of the cups had water in them. Two of the cups contained pills.

“You’re not supposed to be in here, are you
Ms Gale
?” she said. She stretched out Dorothy’s formal name longer than necessary, like she was proving a point by even speaking it.
Mizzzzzz Gaaale
.

She looked at Alice sitting up and shook her head. “And how did we get out of our bindings? That stuff should be left up to the professionals, don’t you think
Ms Gale
?”

“I guess,” Dorothy said. She scooped up her stuffed dog and held it to her throat.

Alice watched the girl wilt under the domineering presence of the woman in the room. Having her in there with them was like spilling a can of grey paint on the floor, and then watching it slowly reach for the corners. She brought a creeping malaise with her, and it was turning Dorothy into a miserable, pathetic little thing. Watching her stirred something in Alice. She wanted to put an arm around the girl and drag her away from the cloud of misery emanating into the room. She wanted the spritely, adorable, slightly crooked grin and the sparkling eyes that made her feel like smiling herself.

“Those fucking straps were killing
me
,” Alice said. “I made her take them off.”

“Well
you
should have waited until someone could come and check on you,” the nurse said. Switching to Dorothy she handed a paper cup toward the girl. “While I have you here, you may as well take your evening medication. I was going to come and see you after I was done helping
Ms Pleasance
out of her harness.”

Dorothy took the cup from her outstretched hand and cupped it with both of her own. She looked over to Alice for a moment, then back at the cup.

The nurse turned back to Alice. “And for you,
dearie
, Doctor Weller would like you to take these.” She held up a small paper cup to Alice and shook it. The pills inside rattled like teeth.

“Like fuck. Don’t give me any of your mind bending shit.” Alice said rather loudly, hoping Dorothy might take a cue from her bravery. “I’m not taking anything that’s gonna fuck me up.”

“It’s Naxolone. It’s so we can kick all the heroin out of your body,” the nurse said impatiently. “If you don’t want to take them you’re going to go through withdrawals and we’ll probably have to sedate you again. This
floor
isn’t prepared to deal with that kind of bullshit, if you get my meaning.” She looked from Alice to Dorothy, then back to Alice again, just to drive the point home.

Alice caught it. If she made life too miserable on the attending staff she’d be moved away from her little friend. She might not even notice, however, as these needle crazy nurses were liable to put her in a coma.

Dorothy was staring at Alice. Her face was a mask, but was there a tiny bit of accusation there?

Alice caught her eyes. “It’s nothing.” She felt defensive suddenly. Like she had to explain to Dorothy how she wasn’t really a junkie, just a girl who liked to play sometimes when the world became too fucked up.
Like last week
, when she’d blown a guy’s face off and had to wash his brains off in a mud puddle.

“Pills, Ms Gale,” the nurse said again. “Both of you.”

Dorothy looked down into her pill cup. Then she dumped the pills in her mouth, gulped half the water in her other cup and got up. She finished her water and tossed both cups in the garbage.

“Very good,” she marked the time on one of her charts. Then she flipped them around and nodded at Alice.

Alice took her own pills and drank all of her water. Whatever shred of good mood she had from being around Dorothy was gone now. She could feel the last of it draining away, like scented water in a bathtub, leaving behind grime and filth and soap scum to mark its passing.

The nurse marked the other chart and then turned to Dorothy.

“Come on, let’s get you out of here,” she said. “The doctor will be in tonight after dinner. If you girls don’t fill out your dinner cards you’re both going to end up with oatmeal and dry toast on your plates.” She moved toward the door, and swept her arm toward it, trying to get Dorothy to walk in front of her.

“Oh, just a minute,” Dorothy said. She sidestepped the woman and moved to the chair she’d been sitting in, scooped up Toto in her arm. “I guess I’ll talk to you later, Alice.”

When Dorothy smiled at her Alice laughed and nearly spit water in her face. Instead she snorted, swallowed the water and beamed at the girl.

“I’ll be out on the couch later, if the doctor doesn’t have me lobotomized,” Alice said. She gave the girl a little wave, which Dorothy returned with a wink.

“Come on,” the nurse said. “Back to your room.”

When the girls had left, Alice lay back down on her bed and cupped her face in her hands, giggling into her fingers. Dorothy didn’t hate her for being a junkie, as she’d first thought. In fact, Now that she and Dorothy were sharing secrets, she felt closer to the girl than ever. It had been a long time since she’d connected with anyone who didn’t just talk to her because they wanted to fuck her. Although Alice was sure Dorothy wanted that too, she was happy to be her friend first. She knew all of this the moment Dorothy had grabbed her stuffed dog and smiled at her.

Capped under her gums, like rabbits teeth, were the pills Dorothy so dreaded taking. The ones she’d only taken when she was alone and outnumbered by the hospital staff. The ones she hated because they made her feel sick all the time. The ones Nurse
Fattie
had thought she watched Dorothy swallow already, because Dorothy was a good girl who did what she was told and was all alone in the hospital with nobody to have her back.

Except now she wasn’t alone. Neither of them were.

Now they had each other.

Dr Weller entered Alice’s room shortly after the nurse left. He had a folder in his hands attached to a clipboard and had a neat row of pens across the top. They exchanged greetings, and then he settled into the chair Dorothy had been sitting in by the side of the bed. Alice instinctively pulled up into a sitting position and crossed her arms.

“It knocked me right out. What is that, like a reset switch for my sanity?” She smiled but it felt foreign on her face and she got rid of it in a hurry.

“Just long enough for the episode to pass.” He jotted something down in his folder. “Can you tell me what you remember of your session earlier this morning?”

“Not a lot really,” Alice said. “We were talking, and then it gets kind of spotty. I remember little gaps, and you were asking me stuff that was confusing me, and then I remember some big guys and the needle.” She stopped for a moment, lost in thought. “No, I remember the
prick
of the needle, but I don’t remember seeing it.” She didn’t mention that Dorothy had snuck down into the room to see what was going on, and that Alice herself had seen her moments before passing out. Somehow, it seemed like it would be a betrayal.

“Basically what happened was something in your mind was seeping past your conscious self,” Dr Weller said. “What we need to find out in order to treat you properly is what exactly was causing it.”

“Drug use?” Alice said immediately.

“Well, yes, that’s certainly a strong possibility,” Dr Weller said. “But it’s not the only thing. Tell me, can you remember when these episodes began?”

“That was the first time,” Alice said. “I’ve never had a reaction like that before.”

“I see.”

“No,” Alice said. “That’s not
totally
right. When I woke up after my overdose it was like I was coming up out of the ground. Like inside the ground was another world.”

Dr Weller was writing furiously in his notebook, but he stopped when Alice said this. “What do you mean?”

“I dunno,” Alice said. “Just a dream, I guess. A vivid one though. Lots of talking animals. Playing card people. Just the kind of shit you think of when you’re high.”

“How are your relationships with your family?”

“Same as a lot of people,” Alice said. She shrugged.
Had he already asked her this question?
She thought so, but she wasn’t sure. And then she wondered what she’d told him the first time. Maybe he was doubling back like the cops did sometimes when they were trying to make you trip over your words. There was no way of knowing what she’d said originally, so she decided she’d plow ahead with the truth. “I dunno, I don’t really have contact with family. My mom lives in town here but she threw me out when I was fourteen. I’ve been living kinda rough since then.”

“That’s a long time to be on your own,” Dr Weller said.

“Whatever,” Alice said. “It’s nothing really. I mean, you get on alright by yourself. Now I prefer it, you know?”

“Yeah. Okay, this is an important one,” Dr Weller said. “Has anything happened recently? Anything terrible? Like a fight, or...or an attack?”

“No,” Alice said too quickly. “Nothing.”

“You’re sure.”

“What kind of question is that?” Alice said. She clenched her fists. “I’d fuckin’ know if something like that had happened, right? What, am I totally crazy now? I don’t even know when bad shit happens anymore?”