All Falls Down (30 page)

"You have?" I readjust positions so I can peek up at him.

It's dark and I can barely make out his face, but he's focused on the far wall, not looking at me.

"Yeah, first when my biological parents died," he says. His voice is soft, quiet. "And then again when I shot a suspect."

"I didn't know about that."

"I don't talk about it often." He hesitates. "I wasn't even out of training yet."

"What happened?"

"A sixteen-year-old kid tried to rob a convenience store. I interrupted him, and he took the clerk hostage. She wasn't much older than he was. She kept crying that she had a baby. When he put his gun to her head and threatened to kill her, I shot him."

"Did he–?"

"Survive? Yeah, barely. He's still in prison."

I don't say anything for a long time. I'm not sure what to say. But my heart hurts for Jared. He's so full of goodness – so caring – I can only imagine how hard it was for him to shoot someone else. To shoot a kid. I briefly wonder if that's why he doesn't carry a gun now, but I don't ask.

I press a kiss to his chest instead, over his heart. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

"Me too," he says. "The agency made me see a therapist for a while afterward. It helped to talk about what happened instead of letting it eat at me." He resumes running his hands through my hair. "Maybe talking will help you, too."

"Maybe," I say.

We both fall quiet again. I snuggle closer to him, my eyes drifting closed. His hands are still in my hair and the warmth of his body against mine soothes me. I float in our little bubble, just enjoying the moment.

And then my stomach growls loudly.

Jared laughs, his chest rumbling beneath my ear. "I think we need to feed you, beautiful girl."

"I haven't eaten in a while." The thought of going to the main house to face Lexi still makes my stomach clench and twist. What am I going to say to her? Better yet… what's she going to say to me? Is she even still speaking to me?

"Did Chris feed you today?"

"Ah, no."

Jared sighs.

"I wasn't very hungry," I say quickly. It's not his brother's fault the thought of food made me nauseous.

"You don't eat enough, Savannah," Jared says, slowly untangling the two of us. He reaches over and flips on the lamp beside the bed before rising to his feet. "You haven't eaten in two days."

I relax back against the pillows, watching him. He stands there, unashamed. The muscles in his back ripple when he stretches his arms over his head. The little dimples on his lower back draw my attention.

I'm staring at his ass when he turns around and catches me.

He grins at me when my cheeks flush.

"You better stop looking at me like that," he says. "I don't think you can take any more tonight."

He's right, but heat unfurls in my stomach at the thought anyway.

I think he knows it because he grins again, shaking his head at me.

He holds his hand out. "Come on, beautiful girl."

I hesitate for a long moment, trying to think of an excuse to stay right where I am.

None comes.

It's time to face Lexi.

Crap. I don't want to do this.

Demetri waves to us from the little guard booth at the end of the driveway as we make our way toward the mansion. Stewart's with him, his blond head bent over a clipboard. Part of me wants to laugh at that – at how legitimate they are with their clipboards and perimeter checks and shift changes – but I can't.

My heart's in my throat. I have my arms wrapped around me, though I'm not cold in the shorts and t-shirt I reluctantly donned. It's warm out, and the air smells of rainwater and grass. Crickets chirp all around me, the males singing their mating songs to their women. Or maybe they're talking about insect sports. Who knows?

Jared walks at my side, so close his arm brushes against mine every time he takes a step. His hair is a mess. His shirt is wrinkled to the point of no return. He looks exactly as if we've been making love all evening. Though I've tamed my hair into a loose ponytail, I look about the same. My cheeks are flushed, my lips still swollen from his kisses.

The moment Lexi sets eyes on us, she's going to know what we've been doing.

I tried to convince Jared that I wasn't hungry, but he just frowned at me and told me I need to eat. And he's right… but my knees are weak, my stomach is twisted in knots, and I still don't know what I'm supposed to say to her.

I almost fall over when Jared unlocks the door to the kitchen in the mansion and lets me in, but the house is dark, quiet. Lexi and Madeline are nowhere to be found.

Relief loosens the knots in my stomach.

Jared flips the light on and stands aside for me to enter before following me inside. He grabs my hand and brings it to his lips, pressing a kiss to my knuckles.

"See? No big deal." He's smiling at me again.

I just shrug, not convinced Lexi won't suddenly appear.

"What do you want to eat?" Jared asks, dropping my hand.

He crosses to the massive fridge and pulls both doors wide open. It's still fully stocked. Even though it's been over a month since Matthew died, people still bring food every time they stop by to check on the girls. Lexi sends most of it off to homeless shelters, keeping only what won't go to waste. I don't think anyone has cooked since I've been back.

"Um, surprise me," I mumble, not really caring what we eat. I just need food.

Jared pokes his head into the fridge and begins prowling through the various casserole dishes. He lifts lids, frowns, and then sets them aside. Two end up on the counter beside him, along with a bowl of fruit and yogurt.

I wander further into the room and settle down at the table, watching him prowling through the various dishes in the fridge. He seems so comfortable, like he's lived here all his life. He knows exactly where everything is, and proceeds to pile a plate high with chicken salad sandwiches, potato salad, fresh fruit, and yogurt.

"Wine?" he asks, holding up a bottle.

I shake my head.

He shrugs and grabs two beers from the fridge before replacing the casserole dishes.

"Can I just have water?" I ask him.

"You can have whatever you want, beautiful girl," he reminds me, shooting me a smile over his shoulder. He puts the second beer back, grabs a bottle of water, and heads my way. Dropping a kiss on my head, he sets the plate down in front of me, and then slides into the chair beside mine.

My stomach growls again when I glance down at the food in front of me. There's so much of it, I have no idea how he expects the two of us to finish it all.

Jared hears my stomach and chuckles.

"Eat," he says, grabbing a spoon from the little caddy in the middle of the table.

I pop a grape into my mouth and moan.

God, I've missed food.

Jared grins at me before taking a big bite of one of the sandwiches.

We eat in silence for long moments, both of us too hungry to carry on a conversation. When I finish my sandwich and well over half of the fruit and potato salad, I settle back with a contented sigh.

"You don't drink?" Jared asks then, watching me sip my water.

I shake my head and put the cap back on my water. "Right after Caitlyn passed away, Kit and I broke into Matthew's liquor cabinet. We ended up getting plastered. We spent the night in Kit's bathroom, so sick we couldn't move. I thought Matthew was going to kill us when he found us passed out in the floor the next morning."

Jared laughs, taking a long pull from his bottle.

"I was so sure he was going to ground Kit for life and send me off to foster care," I say. "Instead, he helped pour us into Kit's bed. When we worked up the nerve to face him again, he told us he wasn't going to yell at us, but we were going to replace the four thousand dollar bottle of Scotch we drank. We spent a month in the mail room at T.I., addressing thousands of postcards by hand." I smile at the memory. "He wanted until we were finished to tell us we could have printed address labels."

Jared throws his head back and laughs loudly.

"I haven't cared for alcohol since," I say.

"Neither has Kit," Lexi says from the behind me, her voice soft.

I jump and spin around to face her, my heart racing.

She's in a t-shirt and yoga pants, her hair tossed up in a messy ponytail. Her face is scrubbed free of make-up, but she's still the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Her eyes meet mine and hold.

I open my mouth to say… something… and then close it again. I don't know what to say. "I'm sorry," is so inadequate. There's no way those two little words will ever make up for it if she or her sisters or T.I. employees are hurt because of me.

"Can I have a minute with Savannah?" Lexi asks, turning her head in Jared's direction.

"Sure. I'll go check in with Demetri before he leaves for the night." Jared finishes his beer and rises from the table.

No!
I want to cry out to him, but I don't.

He leans down and presses his lips to my cheek, beside my ear. "Relax, beautiful girl," he murmurs so only I can hear. And then he's gone, striding through the door and onto the terrace.

I stare after him for a good minute, too much of a coward to turn around and face Lexi again.

"Are you in love with him?" she asks.

I hear her walking toward me, her slippers squeaking on the floor. And then she settles into the chair Jared just vacated.

I take a deep breath and turn to face her.

Her expression isn't angry. She seems… sad.

I stare at her, open my mouth. Close it. Open it again. No sound comes out. I don't know what to say to her, and I don't know what to make of that look on her face. Is she upset with me? Is she in love with him, too?

Oh, God. If she is, what am I going to do?

"Savannah?"

"I–" I clear my throat, nod. "Yes." It's the only word I can get out.

Lexi's eyes fall closed. She sighs.

And suddenly words are pouring out of my mouth, so fast and jumbled, I don't even know what I'm trying to say. "I didn't mean for it to happen. I tried to stay away from him, but I couldn't. I fell in love with him, and if you hate me for it, I'll understand. I'll find somewhere to go. Just don't blame him, please. He tried so hard to avoid me. But I was there and he was there and it happened. And I don't want you to hate him for it."

"I don't hate either of you."

I stop talking, not sure I heard her correctly.

I think she notices my confusion.

She gives me a sad frown. "I don't hate you. I'm…."

"Disappointed," I mumble when she trails off.

She doesn't deny it. And I think that hurts worse – that I've disappointed her. That I disappoint everyone. No matter how hard I try, I always seem to come up short.

What is
wrong
with me?

"Do you–" I have to stop and clear my throat again before I can force the words out. "Do you want me to leave?" The question's barely a whisper.

She blinks at me. "What?"

"I don't have anywhere to go, but may–maybe Chris or Jared will drop me off at a hotel until I find a place. Or Kit will let me stay with her on campus for a while." I start to rise from my chair, trying to figure out where I'm going to go and how I'm going to get there. And it hits me that even though I'm not with Toby any more… I still have nothing of my own. I don't own a car. The house I stay in – even the bed where Jared makes love to me – belongs to the Talbots. My stuff would fit in two suitcases… Books, a few pictures, and my clothes. That's it. All of my worldly possessions.

Lexi reaches out and clamps her hand around my wrist. "Savannah, stop," she says.

I realize then that I'm still rambling, my thoughts falling from my lips as soon as they form.

I stop talking, stop moving.

"You aren't going anywhere, okay?" Lexi gently pulls me back down into the chair.