Authors: Nicole Deese
I jumped behind the
recliner, heart pumping fast. This may not have been my greatest diversion
plan. I pulled pillows left and right from around the front room, throwing them
over my barricade.
Jack was
much
quicker, though. He managed to throw
five
pillows for every
one
that I threw at him. Jack threw pillows like they were Chinese throwing stars;
how soft fabric and cotton stuffing could hurt was beyond me. My hair was
matted all over my face as he was now standing on top of the recliner pelting
me with a new stash he’d hoarded. I lay helpless on the floor trying to shield
my head, laughing so hard I was gasping for air.
Jack had a great laugh
when it really got going. It was mix between a teenage girl screaming, and a
wheezy asthma attack. It was absolutely contagious, too. We were both in
hysterics—a million throw pillows all over the front room, when the stair light
flicked on and we were caught, red handed. We both froze, a silent kind of
horror coming over us: the fear of the woken pregnant lady.
Stacie looked around
the front room and then back to us. We waited for our punishment, but instead
she simply said, “Merry Christmas Eve,
children.
” And then she headed
back to bed.
We each grabbed a
nearby pillow and laughed into it for a good five minutes before deciding we
should probably clean up and head that way ourselves.
Jack slung his arm
around me as we trudged up the stairs together.
“See ya in the morning,
Sis,” he said, “It’s nice to have you back.”
I stared at him,
puzzled, “
You’re
the one who just got back,” I laughed, thinking his jet
lag had fogged up his mind, again.
“No, you’ve been gone a
lot longer than I was...and it’s really nice to have you back, Tori.”
Jack hit me on the
shoulder and walked into his bedroom.
I stood there for a
second more.
“It’s good to be back,” I whispered.
I stared at the list.
It was the list I had
scratched onto the first page of my new journal. With my phone in hand I paced
my bedroom floor. Several deep breaths later, I dialed the name at the top.
After just three rings,
I heard her voice.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Dr. Bradley...it’s
Tori,” I said.
Silence.
“Hello?” I said again.
“Tori...I’m...it’s a
surprise to hear from you,” she said.
“I know and that’s
actually why I’m calling, do you have a minute?” I asked.
“Yes, of course,” she
said.
“I’ve been angry at you
for a long time, feeling betrayed and hurt that you’d set up therapy for me
without my permission,” I confessed.
“Yes, I thought that
might be how you felt, and I’m sorry-”
“No, please, let me
finish. I’m the one who needs to say I’m sorry...to
you
. I don’t think I
would have ever sought help if it hadn’t been for you caring about me—about my
future. I owe you an apology and would like to ask for your forgiveness?” I
said.
Silence again. This
time I waited.
“You sound...you sound
so
different, Tori. Even just on the phone I can tell you’re not so...closed off,”
Dr. Bradley said.
“Yes, a lot has
happened here. Dr. Crane has been a great support for me, and so has my sister
and...
others
. I really do feel different,” I said.
“Tori I’m so glad you
called today. I accept your apology and of course I forgive you. I hope you can
start to move forward with your life and the amazing opportunities that are in
your future, and in your career,” Dr. Bradley said.
“Thank you, that means
so much to me,” I said, thinking of a topic right along those lines. "Have
you ever heard of
Consider
Africa
before?”
We talked for a while
longer. She gave me a few contacts of friends who had done similar nursing
abroad programs in the past. She encouraged me that all of them had only
positive things to say about their experiences. Excitement stirred in me. Susan
was not only a medical professional that I respected, she was also a friend—a
true friend.
I was grateful I had
started with her; the others would prove much more difficult.
**********
Jack had been up on a
ladder hanging lights on the house since early this morning, Christmas Eve. I
told him he was probably better off just holding out for New Years decor at
this point, but he waved me off and kept right on hanging. Stacie had been busy
decorating the artificial tree that Jack had brought in from the attic while I
was out on my run.
I came in through the
entryway.
“Hey want to help?” she
asked.
I looked at the boxes
of ornaments all around her and laughed.
“What would you have
done if I had said no?” I asked.
“Sat down in the middle
of all this and taken a nap.” She rubbed her hand on her greatly expanded
belly.
“Okay, let me change
and I’ll be back down to help in just a minute,” I said, laughing at her.
**********
When the tree had come
to life with color, shapes, and lights, Stacie and I stood back to examine our
handy-work. We were quite satisfied.
“Glad it will be up for
tomorrow,” Stacie said.
“Yeah.”
How different this
holiday would be from last year. My parents had wanted to fly me back to Dallas
of course, but I had refused. I told them I had to work the Christmas weekend
because I was the lowest on the totem pole. Stacie had been beside herself,
calling me to announce that her and Jack would be joining me Christmas morning.
Naturally though, I had wiggled my way out of that net as well. I claimed I’d
be at the hospital for over 14 hours, so it wouldn’t be worth their efforts.
She had finally conceded.
Though I had worked all
day last Christmas, I had volunteered for it, trying to tell myself it was
just
another
day
of the week. I had also tried to pretend that not
having family—especially at the holidays, didn’t bother me.
“I was thinking we
should leave by six tonight to secure good seats, the Christmas Eve service is
always so jam-packed,” Stacie said.
My stomach dropped,
“Oh...I’m not sure about that, Stace,” I said.
“Well, I am. Last year
people were standing in the lobby! Parking was a total nightmare-”
“No, I mean...I wasn’t
planning on going,” I said.
Putting her hands on
her hips, she stared at me in disbelief.
“I thought you were
past all that nonsense of not fitting in at church, Tori. You’ve been making so
many efforts to-”
“No...That’s not it at
all, Stacie. Yes, things are going better now in that department, but there’s a
reason why I’ve only gone to the early services lately,” I admitted.
“Oh. Kai.” She sighed. Though
her voice was soft and thoughtful, hearing his name from her lips caused my
heart to ache. I hated that he still had that effect on me. I hadn’t even seen
him in nearly two months.
“Yeah,” I said,
swallowing hard.
“Tori, I don’t want to
tell you what to do, but I think you need to decide to either move forward and
go on with your life—despite a possible chance meeting in a crowd of
thousands—or decide it’s not over yet,” Stacie said.
I looked at her, an
edge of rebuke on my lips. “It
is
over. It’s been decided, Stacie.”
Her face remained
unchanged.
“If that’s true, then
you won’t let him hold you back from a Christmas Eve service with your family.”
I bit my bottom lip.
She had a point. Still, I couldn’t shake the sinking in my gut. The odds felt
stacked against me; our relationship had been one unlucky coincidence after
another.
I hoped tonight would
prove that theory wrong.
**********
The borrowed short,
black skirt and tights coupled with the red, cowl-neck sweater, came from no
other than Stacie’s closet. It had become habit now to ignore my own closet
which housed dull, bleak neutrals and go directly to the free boutique. The one
that was located just down the hall.
Stacie and Jack had
both dressed up for the evening. They looked like they could be featured on a
Hallmark holiday card. My folks had called us on our way, already having saved
us seats. Stacie was relieved, as we, of course, were running behind schedule.
The parking lot of the
church was just as Stacie had described—a nightmare. The line of cars was at
least two blocks long. From there, we were directed by one of the numerous
parking attendants who wore a hat of festive blinking lights. Stacie moaned
that she had to use the restroom, even though she had gone just fifteen minutes
earlier at home. Jack gave me a wayward glance in the rear view mirror. We kept
our mouths shut.
The candlelit stage was
a sight to behold. Children dressed in their Christmas attire had lined the
stage. They stood quietly, waiting for instruction as people filled the dim
auditorium. The large, open-concept room felt strangely intimate in light of
the special events to come. After only a few minutes of searching, we found my
parents.
As the starting time
approached, a soft hush fell over the audience. A small boy took the stage. He
opened the evening with the passage in Mathew which spoke of the birth of
Christ, his sweet voice resonating within the room. When he was done speaking,
the choir behind him started to sing. There were many songs celebrating the
birth of baby Jesus, along with several well-choreographed numbers. Jack and
Stacie exchanged warm glances, as if thinking of their own Christmas performers
someday.
The pastor shared a few
words on the true meaning of Christmas and instead of tuning him out like I had
tried to do months earlier, I listened. He spoke of ending the year without
regrets, without offenses, and most importantly, without bitterness.
“Bitterness,” he had
said, “Will only serve to rob the joy that is the Christmas spirit.”
My heart sank. It was
yet another confirmation.
My list was not
delusional—it was
right
.
The service ended with
each person holding a candle and lighting it for another. Down each aisle, down
each row, until every section of that entire room was lit by the start of
single flame, it was beautiful. My eyes stung with tears at the sight. We sang
one last song, and then we were dismissed.
The crowd was massive,
yet even amongst all the commotion, I had the unmistakable feeling I was being
watched. I fought the sensation to turn my head for what felt like an eternity.
But finally, the temptation was too great. My eyes confirmed what my heart
already knew.
Kai was there, standing
just a few feet away from me.
My breath hitched.
Instantly, I was
trapped in a world where only Kai and I existed. The distorted sound of music
and chattering people faded away. It was only us. Nothing could tear my eyes
away from him.
The magnetic pull that
gripped my heart was too strong for me to break on my own. Within seconds, I
was walking toward him and him to me. A deep ache resonated in my chest as I
studied his face.
His eyes were a
tortured kind of beautiful. I knew the look well; I had seen it in the mirror
for the last two months.
As we stood now, just a
few feet apart from one another, I had to remind myself that I couldn’t reach
for him. He was no longer mine to touch. I balled my fists, pressing my nails
deep into the palm of my hands.
“Hi,” he said.
“Hi.” My words were
barely audible.
“It’s…it’s good to see
you, Tori.”
I stared at him,
refusing to cry, while the warm ache of tears throbbed behind my eyelids. They
fought a battle against me. It took all my energy and focus to deny their release.
“You too.”
The note from the tree
burned a hole in my purse, as if it could identify its author. I wouldn’t
reveal it, though. I wouldn’t give him a false reason to hope, or allow him to
believe that something more was possible.
“Briggs said he saw you
the other night,” Kai said.
“Yes, he did.”
The ache had spread
throughout my chest, causing tiny tremors to escape each time I exhaled.
“He said you have a lot
of stuff going on these days, some…some new interests?” Kai said, hesitantly.
Was he asking about
baking?
I can’t believe Briggs
really told him about that…how lame.
“Uh, yeah, I suppose I
do,” I said.