All In (Cedar Mountain University #2) (20 page)

Curled up on the couch, wrapped up in blankets, I’m flipping
mindlessly through the channels trying to find something to watch that doesn’t
require thought on my end. There’s been too much going on in my head today
already, no need to crowd it up any further with something off the History
C
hannel.

Delaney was still out from the sleeping pill. Cole was sitting in
the room with her. The last time I’d looked in he was sitting next to her on
the bed, as close as he could without actually touching her. My eyes were
starting to burn with how tired I was, but every time I closed my eyes I could
hear her tortured screams. I should have taken one of her sleeping pills for
myself. I’m not sure I’m going to be able to sleep for quite some time.

“Grace?”

I glance up as Grant comes into the living room. I’m so tired I
can’t even be pissed that he’s there. My entire body just feels heavy and
lethargic. He’s holding a mug in his hands, and the smell of coffee is like a
beautiful gift.

“Cole finally fell asleep.” He tells me as he hands me the mug. I
let the heat from the coffee seep into my incredibly cold fingers, shifting on
the couch so Grant can sit next to me.

“That’s good.” I blow on the coffee before taking a drink. “You
should head home to get some sleep, too.”

He smirks. “I know you don’t want me here, Grace, but this isn’t
about us.”

“I know what this is about, Grant. It was just a suggestion. We’re
all exhausted and frankly, you look like shit.”

Silence stretches like a curtain between us. I take another sip of
the coffee while watching a scene from
Teen
Mom.
I don’t know what was worse, the fact that I was sitting here next to
Grant or that I could name all the girls on the show. And the names of their
children.

We slip from one episode into the next, both of us remaining silent
as we watch the drama unfold on the screen in front of us. I finish the coffee
that he’d brought, leaning forward to drop the mug on the coffee table before
leaning back to get comfortable again.

“Are you going to snap my head off if I ask how things are with
Jacob?”

I turn my head in his direction, my eyes narrowing, just a little.
“Why do you care?” I question, barreling on before he can respond, “Why do you
keep doing this?” I shake my head, “I don’t understand, Grant. You broke up
with me, but you just won’t let it go. It doesn’t make sense.”

“I still care about you, Grace that never went away. I want you to
be happy.” He pauses, eyes flitting away then coming back again just as
quickly. “Holden told me Jacob makes you happy, but I just can’t seem to move
on.”

I snort. “Pretty sure you moved on pretty damn fast, Grant.”

“Not like you think. I tried, because I thought it would be for the
best, but I can’t move past how I feel about you.”

Because he thought it would
be for the best?
What in the hell was he
talking about?

“Tell me the real reason you dumped me.” I know he’s going to feed
me the same bullshit line as before. His gaze flicks away from me, his jaw
tightening as his hands stretch out flat before balling into fists in his lap.
“I think you owe it to me, Grant, to give me the truth.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you.”

I snort. “I think we’re passed that, don’t you?”

Shaking his head he lets his eyes meet mine. “No, I mean I didn’t
want to physically hurt you.”

Of all the things I had been expecting him to say, and my
imagination has run wild on this particular topic, at no point did I ever
expect those words to come out of his mouth “What? You would never physically
hurt me, Grant, that’s ridiculous.”

“Is it? Because obviously I’m not opposed to using my fists.”

“Let’s not get into the stupidity that is you fighting off your
loan shark debt.” I say with a shake of my head. “There really aren’t enough
words in the English language to tell you what a moron I think you are on that
front. Regardless of that, I know you would never hurt me”

He doesn’t believe me. Studying him quietly, I can see that he has
been torturing himself with this for months. His eyes, those beautiful brown
eyes, are all but dripping with the haunting thought that he could have hurt
me. I lean forward, placing a hand on his arm closest to me. “Grant, you would
never hurt me. You aren’t your father,” I say softly.

The muscle in his arm is pulled tight under my hand, and his eyes
squeeze shut right before his head turns away from me. I wish I’d known. I wish
I’d had some clue that he had this worry inside of him. His father had been an
off
-
limits topic, and I had never tried to force
the issue. I thought that was what he needed, to put it all behind him and
never speak of it again.

Apparently he’s thought about it quite a lot.

Clearing his throat, he turns his head back to me as he starts to
speak softly, “Do you remember the night we were home and we went to dinner
with your parents? They took us to that Italian place your Mom loves so much.”

I flip through my memories in my head, trying to pick out the night
he’s talking about. We’ve gone there several times, so pinpointing the one he’s
talking about is difficult.

“It was Memorial Day weekend.” He adds when I slowly shake my head.

 
“Okay,” I’m not sure where
he’s going with this, but then the night comes back in startling clarity. We had
argued that night. In typical Grace fashion, I had said something without
thinking it through, I can’t remember what it was exactly, but I remember it
had embarrassed him in front of my parents. He hadn’t said anything at the
restaurant, had waited until it was just the two of us, and our
discussion
of the events that night
hadn’t been very civilized.

Grant and I hadn’t argued often during our relationship. He was so
easygoing that it was difficult to ruffle his feathers. It was one of the
things I loved about him. So when we had argued they had been epic fights.

“We’d argued before, Grant.”

“But I’d never pictured hitting you before.”

That draws me up short. “Grant, you wouldn’t have hit me.”

“No, Grace, you don’t know. You don’t understand. I pictured it in
my head. I was so mad, so pissed, but I couldn’t even remember why. I just
remember having all that rage building up inside of me, and you were standing
there yelling at me for yelling at you and in my head I saw myself reach out
and hit you, just to get you to stop talking.” He lays his hands out flat
again, frowning down at them as they curl into fists, and then laying them out
flat again. “What was I supposed to do?”

“Talk to me?” I suggest softly. “Grant, you didn’t hit me.”

“But,”

“No,” I interrupt him. “It doesn’t matter what you
thought
, Grant. Jesus, I’ve imagined
smothering you in your sleep a million times since you broke up with me.”

“But you don’t come from a murderer, Grace. I come from an abuser,
I could be like him.”

He honestly believed he had that inside of him. He honestly thought
that one day he was going to turn into his father. That was why he had broken
up with me. The thrill of knowing that it wasn’t because I wasn’t enough was
buried under the knowledge that Grant thought he was some sort of monster.

That he thought he was similar in some way to the man that had
beaten him, similar to the man that had taken Delaney.

“You aren’t him, Grant. You will never be him. You don’t have that
inside of you.” I grip his hands in mine. “You are one of the greatest guys
I’ve ever known.” I offer a smile. “You’d have to be for me to love you.”

Wrong thing to say, I think, when his head snaps up and his eyes
pin mine. Totally wrong thing to, say. I drop his hands, leaning away, “No, Grant.”

“You said you love me.”

Shaking my head, my denial is instant. “You misunderstood what I’m
trying to say.” I shift to the opposite end of the couch, putting more distance
between us.

“What are you trying to say?”

“Grant,” I pause, trying to figure out exactly how to explain to
him. “I do love you. I always will, but not the way you think. Not the way you
want. ”

I’m not alarmed when he moves, not worried at all when he shifts
closer to me. This is Grant, and I meant what I said when I’d told him I never
believed he would physically hurt me.

I wasn’t, however, prepared for him to kiss me.

Shock holds me immobile as his lips move against mine. Familiarity
and warmth swarm me. We’ve kissed so many times, just like this. Soft and slow,
easing into the passion that would slither through me. Only this time there is
none of that, no edge of desire waiting to move in, no hint of anything beyond
that familiarity and initial warmth.

It hits me suddenly, that I haven’t moved away, and in response to
that he has started moving closer to me. One of his large hands has moved up to
cup my cheek. The touch of his fingers on my face jerks me into action. Yanking
my head back, I nearly topple off the couch in my effort to break the contact
between us. I wipe my hand across my mouth, watching him closely.

“It’s over between us, Grant.” I tell him, scrambling off the
couch. “You decided to end things.”

“I still love you.”

Damn it. Damn it all to fucking hell. I wanted to hate him for
putting me in this position, but I couldn’t. Because sadly enough, him putting
me in this position had led me to Jacob. Where months ago I had felt like he
had ended my world by breaking up with me, now I felt like he had given me a
gift.

Probably not a good idea to tell him that though.

“I’m sorry, Grant.” I finally tell him. “I’m sorry, but I’m not in
love with you.”

His head drops. “Jacob.” He lifts his head again, eyes meeting
mine. “This is about Jacob.”

I shake my head, “It’s not. Not really, Grant. It’s about me.”

“You love him.” He insists. “You love him, and not me. I fucked
everything up between us.”

“Grant, listen to me. You need to move on. You need to let me go.”

He’s silent for just a heartbeat. “He makes you happy.”

“
I
make me happy. Jacob
is a bonus.”

There is a moment where I question my own sanity.

Standing in front of Jacob’s bedroom door, hand raised and poised
to knock, I wonder briefly what he is going to think about me standing there.
At two in the fucking morning. Without any warning that I was coming
whatsoever.

But I couldn’t stay in that apartment any longer.

I had told Delany that I would be there for her. I was ashamed to
say that I had struggled to be there like I had promised. I had struggled to
maintain any sort of strength that I could lend her. I was haunted by the
memory of her screaming, crying for someone to come and help her. The childlike
pleas were going to echo through my own nightmares for some time to come.

I let my hand fall to my side, dropping my forehead against the
door as a fresh well of tears bubbles up inside of me. I try to choke them
back. I’ve cried an ocean full of tears over the last few days. Hiding in my
room, standing in the shower, trying in vain to keep quiet so Delaney wouldn’t
hear me. I wanted to only give her strength, and I hadn’t been prepared to feel
quite so helpless.

Grant had left after the first night, and though I felt bad because
Cole could have used the support, I was glad for my sake that he wasn’t there.

For the last two days I had worried and stressed over what I was
going to say to Jacob regarding Grant. I had promised him I wouldn’t go back to
Grant, and even though I hadn’t technically broken that promise, I was afraid
that he wouldn’t see it that way.

Grant’s kiss had meant nothing to me. I was happy to finally know
that he hadn’t broke up with me because I hadn’t been enough. I just didn’t
think there was any reason for me to make a bigger deal of the kiss than it
was, which meant there was no reason for me to tell Jacob anything about what
happened.

Or at least that was what I kept telling myself.

I pull in a shallow breath, and forgo knocking to just push the
door open. Knocking would have been stupid and pointless. It’s not like I had
worried about knocking before now.

There is a faint light spilling out of the bathroom, casting the
rest of the room into shadows. Jacob is sprawled across the bed on his back,
one arm thrown across his eyes, muscles stretched tight across that side.

He looks so peaceful lying there.

I kick my sneakers off as I move across the room, pulling my
sweatshirt up and over my body so I’m left in my tank and sweat pants before I
crawl in next to him. I move right up against him, relishing in the warmth of
his body. I’ve felt so cold the last three days. I emit a little sigh as I
settle my head on his chest. His arm drops around my waist, pulling me tighter
against him.

“Grace?” His voice is gruff with sleep. “Everything okay?”

Unsure how to answer, I remain quiet.

“Grace?” He calls again softly when I don’t answer him. When I
still don’t answer he shifts, moving so we are lying face to face, my head now
on the pillow next to his. “Talk to me, pretty girl.” He brushes my hair away
from my face, tucking it behind my ear before his thumbs run across my
cheekbones, eyes intent on mine even in the dark.

I feel the slick slide of the first tear sneak its way across my
face, as the stress of the last few days settles over me. His thumb moves down,
brushing across it and spreading the moisture against my skin.

“What do you need me to do?”

“Exactly what you’re doing.” I whisper. “Just don’t let go, okay?”

“Okay.”

His arms tighten again, pulling me closer against him. I bury my
head against his chest as more silent tears slip away. Jacob continues to hold
me, one hand moving up and down my back as he whispers words I can’t really
understand in my ear. I don’t need to hear them to understand the comfort
behind them.

***

I must have fallen asleep at some point, because the next thing I
know Jacob’s alarm is beeping, and he’s shifting around me, trying to turn it
off as quickly as possible. I hear him curse under his breath as his hand
smacks down on the alarm clock several times before the beeping finally stops.
Jacob lies back on the bed, tugging me against him again.

“Do you need to get up?” My voice cracks, weakened by the ocean of
tears I’ve shed over the last several days. His fingers are dancing up and down
along my back, just barely brushing against the skin above my tank top.

“Not yet.”

“Okay.” I know he has class soon, and it’s important not to miss
this close to finals. I’d missed the last three days with Delaney, and couldn’t
afford to skip any more. But the thought of crawling out of this bed right now
is not even remotely appealing. I burrow closer against him. Short of crawling
inside of him, I’m not sure I can get any closer.

 
“Do you want to talk about
it?”

His fingers dance back up along my spine, tangling in my hair, his
thumb brushing along the nape of my neck right at my hairline. I close my eyes,
letting the soothing contact wash over me.

“It was heartbreaking, Jacob.” I whisper. His lips brush over my
forehead. “Every time she screamed,” I trail off shaking my head. “I had no
fucking idea what I was doing.”

“You were there, Grace. I don’t think Cole or Delaney expected any
more than that.”

“It just made it so real, you know? Like, I’d read the articles and
I knew basically what happened, but now I
know
what happened. Or at least how terrified she was.” Shaking my head, I wish I
could go back to before. “I felt useless.”

“I’m sure they were both just glad you were there.”

I tilt my head back so I can look at him. His fingers slip out of my
hair, moving down to curve around the back of my neck. “I just wish there was
something more I could have done.”

“I know.” He lays another kiss against my forehead. “After class go
pack a bag and come back here with me tonight, okay? I’ll pick up some food and
we can study for finals.”

“That sounds perfect.”

“I’m a perfect kind of guy.”

A shotgun of laughter bursts out. “Modest too.” I say before
rolling out of his bed. I snag my sweatshirt off the floor, pulling it over my
head quickly before reaching for my tennis shoes. Jacob has settled up against
the headboard, the blankets pooling around his waist.

I wonder if he knows the absolutely sexy picture he makes sitting
there like that. His hair is tousled from sleep, his eyes still slightly hooded
from sleep, and that damn blanket laying so low on his body that his lean hips
are visible, along with the side of one muscled thigh. I take three steps
across the room, cupping his face in both of my hands; I keep my gaze locked on
his as I move in bringing my face closer to his.

“How did I get so lucky to find you?” I asked him, before laying my
lips on his.

I’d meant it to be a soft kiss. A sweet kiss to show him how much I
appreciated him just holding me and letting me cry all night. It had been
exactly what I needed.

I swear, I had planned for it to just be a small little kiss, but
the minute my mouth touches his everything changes. The need to feel whole, to
wipe away the lingering darkness overwhelms me and my hands slide up his face,
moving into his hair to hold him in place. I feel myself leaning further into
him, teasing his mouth open with my own.

I sink into the kiss, molding my mouth against his as I let the
heat that being with him like this brings wipe out the rest of the cold that
had swallowed me whole the last three days. I sigh softly when his hands snake
under my sweatshirt and the tank beneath, skimming over my back before moving
to settle along my hips. He gives me a gentle tug and suddenly I’m sprawled
across him. I pull back letting his beautiful blue eyes lock on to mine.

“We have class.”

His grin is wicked as it pulls across his face. “Your point would
be?”

“You’re a bad influence, Jacob Ross.”

Instead of answering he tilts forward, his mouth taking possession
of mine again. I maneuver myself around so I’m straddling Jacob instead of just
leaning against him.
 
When his hands
move, dipping under the edge of my sweatpants, my entire body shakes with the
shiver of pure ecstasy that moves through me.

He lowers his head, teeth skimming along the sensitive skin of my
neck. Groaning I drop my head back, exposing more of my neck to him as his
tongue moves up the same path he’d just come down.

A gasp escapes as his mouth closes over my ear the same time his hand
snakes down the front of my sweats, fingers sliding over the slick skin he
finds waiting for him. I can feel my entire body tense, pulling tight at the
swirl of pleasure that pulses through every inch of skin as his fingers settle
into a rhythm that brings me dangerously close to the edge.

“Jacob
?
” Is that breathy voice
seriously mine? My hands close around his shoulders, nails digging into solid
muscle as I try to remember exactly it was I had been about to say. His fingers
slide further down, moving in and out while his thumb brushes along the
absolute most sensitive part of my entire body. “
Y
ou have to, oh Jesus, you have to stop, Jacob.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

“I,” holy mother of God, his free hand slides down to cup under my
ass, fingers squeezing softly as his mouth lowers to the pulse point at my
neck. “I won’t last.” I finally manage to gasp out. “I’m too close already.”

“Let me do this for you, Grace.” I can feel the vibrations of his
words against my skin. “Let me love you.”

I feel my eyes widen at his words. Thank goodness he can’t see them
with the way my head is tilted back to give him access to my neck. Let him love
me?

The female brain is a ridiculous thing. I’m two seconds from
exploding, and now I’m analyzing what he means when he says ‘Let me love you.’
Like really love me or just love me? Because those four little words could go
in two totally different directions.

“Pixie,” his voice breaks through the fog surrounding me, “let go.”
His fingers pump in and out twice more before I can’t hold out any longer. My
back arches, every square inch of my body bursting with tiny pin pricks of
pleasure, before my muscles loosen again, my body slumping against his. My
forehead falls into the crook of his neck. Breathing heavily I shift my head
until my cheek is pressed against his chest.

“Give me a second,” I breathe out. “Just a second to return to
Earth and I’ll help you out with this.” One quick swirl of my hips confirms
exactly what I’m talking about.

“Hmm.” Jacob brushes my hair off my face. “We have class. This was
about you.” He leans in, dropping a quick kiss on my lips, but he doesn’t let
me turn it in to anything else. His eyes are full of mischief when he sets me
off his lap. “I need to take a shower, Pix, and you aren’t invited.”

“That’s too bad. I have excellent water skills.”