All My Heart (Count On Me Book 4) (26 page)

“You’re lying.”

“About what?”

“Not knowing about Dean, all of the other stuff. I don’t know. I just know you’re lying.”

“I knew there was something dark in your brother, but it wasn’t always like that. I thought he would do right by you. I wouldn’t have done what I did if I thought any different, Kayden. He loved you. It might not have lasted, but back then, he loved you fiercely.”

“Maybe when you walked out, you turned him too.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean! Don’t even try and pretend you don’t. Everything went to shit when you left. All of it. The boy you called your light, he died. He’s been dead for ten years.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes it is! Belle’s sitting in a hospital because I was just like Dean and saw something that wasn’t fucking there! I destroyed the one person since you walked out that loved me. I’m a monster!”

“Kay-Kay, you’re not a monster. You’re human.”

I don’t want to hear this from her. I can’t believe it. It’s the same shit Grace t
ried to make me see last fall and it’s not right. They’re not seeing it realistically. They’re seeing the guy I was trying to be, not the monster that’s been dormant just waiting for the chance to come out and destroy everything I’ve worked so hard for.

The one I’ll always be.

“Don’t call me that. You’re not allowed to call me that!”

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that. Mom—” I choke out, completely overwhelmed. “Please just stop.”

“I can’t do that, Kay
den. Not when what I did is making you believe in things that aren’t true. Stop putting everything on yourself. Put it where it belongs.”

Where it belongs. I’ve put it on De
an, myself, Dillon, Tim, Belle; everyone really, but she’s right. I’ve never put it where it really belongs.

Her.

“This is my doing, Kayden. If I hadn’t done what I did back then, you wouldn’t be here now. What happened to Belle, it’s horrible and heartbreaking, but it’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

I want to agree with her. I want to blame he
r for this, but I can’t. The words won’t come and even if I could manage to somehow get them out, they wouldn’t be the truth. Part of my change last year was admitting that I had to own the person I became when my mom walked out of my life. If I blame her now for what I tried to do to Isaac, I’m no better than she is.

I need to own my shit.

“It is my fault. I did this. I can blame you for a lot and I do, but not this. This was all me.”

“You really love her, don’t you?”

Love is a fucking understatement for what I feel for Belle, but this is a subject I can’t get into with her. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to do it. She lost the right to know anything when she left, even if she did it for reasons that might seem right.

“Mom…”

“Why are you here instead of the hospital?”

“I did this
. She’s hurt because of me. That’s the last place I need to be.”

Before she can respond, which if the pursing of her lips is any indication, she’s about to do any second, I ask the one question I want an answer to. The one question that in her storytelling earlier she didn’t give me.

“Why did you wait ten years to come back?”

“I’ve been running from him.”

“The whole time?”

She nods and even though I’ve done everything in my power not to look at her, I see the single tear slip from her eyes and it rips me apart even more. I want to hate her so bad, but I can’t. She’s still my mom
and her crying is not right.

“Where is he now?”

“Jail.”

I should feel something hearing tha
t my father is in jail, but I think I’m numb because I don’t feel a damn thing. It doesn’t even matter. I think that maybe he’s where he needs to be. I don’t know.

I don’t know anything anymore. I feel like I’m walking around in a nightmare and I just want it to end.

“How long has he been in jail?”

“Six months.”

“So where were you?”

“Saving up to come home. Going to meetings. Cleaning up so that when I finally got back here, I didn’t come back the same person that left.”

Getting clean. Working and saving up. She sounds like me in the summer, working at the auto shop so I could save up to be able to take Belle out, do things for her and with her and not feel like such a useless chump. Making sure I had the money for the house that Dean swore we were going to lose even though it had been paid off years before.

Changing. Becoming something worthy of coming home to. She’s been doing the same thing I have. I’m not the only one that wanted to change.

When you’ve lost everything, you become numb to what’s left. You’re on the edge and with nothing left to fight for, you jump off, regardless of the way things turn out.

She’s me.

“I screwed everything up, Mom.” I cry, sounding like the little boy she left behind and not the man she came home for. Realizing it and hating the way it sounds, I start to shake it off, but break again as I feel her arms around me. She’s moved from her spot on the bed and is now on the floor with me, bringing my body into hers.

I allow it. I rest in her arms and I do the one thing that I’ve been forcing down since everything happened two days ago. I break down completely and let every tear fall. Not only for what I did to Belle, but for every day I spent without this woman, bottling the pain and turning it into anger.

“No, you didn’t baby. I know it looks that way, but you didn’t.”

“I hurt her. I swore I’d never do that again.”

“What happened, K?”

“She met a guy in her class, someone like her. She wanted to help him. Do right by him and I knew this. She told me right from the very first day what she wanted to do. I saw them together once. They were holding hands. I wanted to kill him, Mom.”

“Okay. Did you talk to her about it?” she asks and as my chest shakes from the pain that the memories bring up, she rubs my back, attempting to do what I’ve wanted for years. Soothe me. Do what a mom should.

“Yeah. We don’t hide things from each other. She told me what was going on. That the guys in class had been on him again and he’d been close to melting down. I believed her, until
I saw them hugging.”

“What did you do?”

“I got in his face. I knew he couldn’t talk and I just didn’t care. I yelled at him, shoved him to the ground. He got up, came at me and I reacted. I was gonna get him before he got me. Belle told me he could get violent so I was ready for it. Except he’s not the one I hit.”

God this hurts. Admitting this again is torture. This woman knows what it’s like to feel like a screw-up. My mom knows better than anyone but it still doesn’t make it any easier.

I hurt the girl I want to spend the rest of my life loving. I’m the worst kind of person.

“How did you hit her?”

“I think you can figure that much out.”

“You’re right, I can, but I want to hear it from you
. Tell me what you did, Kayden. Get it out before you drown in it.”

“She stepped in the way and I hit her. It wasn’t just a random hit either. I put everything I had behind my
fist. All the anger, jealousy and rage that had been building, it was there. It was enough to knock her out, make her fall. She hit her head on the pavement and—”

“I got the rest.”

“Now you see why I can’t be there. She deserves to be with people who love her, not someone who continues to break her.”

I can feel the rise and fall of her chest as she sighs and I finally lift and break away from her embrace. I want to know why she
’s sighing.

“You were right, Mom. There isn’t anyone that needs or wants a Walker. We’re defective and deserve to be alone.”

“My poor, misguided boy.” She whispers as another sigh escapes. “Another thing that’s my fault. Making you believe something that’s not even close to true.”

What? Since when? Can’t she see that she was right?

“No, you were right.”

“Kayden, there is nothing right about what I said to you back then. I think the only thing I did tell you before I took off that was even close to the truth was that Isabelle was going to need a boy like you.”

“No, you’re wrong. I’m the one that needed a girl like her.”

“You needed each other.”

Damnit. I know she’s not trying to do it, but with what she just said she’s reminding me of Belle and the conversation we had a couple of weeks ago. Needing her, I thought it was only for me but she made sure I knew the truth.

We needed each other.

I can’t do this. I can’t let thoughts of her flood my head. I’m still not right and she deserves better than that.

“I know
you won’t believe this, but Kayden; she needs you now more than ever. She doesn’t need the guy I walked in and met today. She needs the one that’s here with me now. She needs you. My sweet boy. My light.”

“I can’t give her that. I want that guy to exist, but I don’t think he ever will. I’m no better than Dean.”

“That’s where you’re wrong. Dean made the choice to do the things he did with you.  I’m sure a lot of that has to do with my leaving, but he could have gotten off that track at any point. He chose not to. From what Grace has told me, you chose to do the right thing. Be a better person for Belle, but also for yourself. You are not your brother, Kayden. You’re better and it’s time for you to prove it.”

Actions speak louder than words ever could, Kayden. If you’re sorry, prove it.

Belle. My life preserver. The one that reached out to me before I could drown and saved my life. The person that taught me what real love and acceptance is. The girl I promised to love forever. It’s not my mom’s words I hear now. It’s hers.

My mom’s right. I can sit here all day drinking with Jim, Jack and Jose, proving to myself and the rest of the world how alike me and Dean really are, or I can go back to that day in my car and do what the girl I love told me to do. I can prove myself to be more.

“Mom.”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Do you think you can drive me to the hospital?”

“Finally.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“
The reason this is happening. Why I’m here. I came because there’s somewhere that you need to be and whether you hated me or not, I was going to get you there.”

“You came here to bring me to her?”

“It’s where you belong. If you haven’t already been hit over the head with enough already, I think it’s where you’ve always belonged.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Grace may have been the one to take you in that day, watching over you until your brother brought you back home, but she’s not the one you stayed with when you were there.”

“Still don’t get it.”

“You stayed with Belle. It’s always been her, Kayden. When you’re with her, you’re safe and you’re home. You’re complete and even a person that spent the last ten years away can see it. So yes, I can take you to her.”

She’s right. Isabelle is home to me. She always has been, but hearing the way my mom describes it, it’s even more powerful than it wa
s when I realized it months ago. I might not be worthy of everything she’s done for and given to me, but if it takes the rest of my life, I’m gonna make this up to her.

“Let’s get you home.”

Chapter Twenty-Three

Grace

There are times in your life where you’re forced to make a choice. A decision in the moment that will impact the lives of others, though in what manner is not clear until much later.

I was given a choice ten years ago when Daphne Walker knocked on my door. I could help her out, take in her chil
dren in order to keep them safe from their father, or I could turn them away. Focusing instead on my own child and the road I had been placed on when I was chosen to be her mother.

The decision was an easy one to make. Daphne and Kayden had come to mean so
much to me and even to Isabelle. My little girl adored her time with Kayden almost as much as I did watching the two of them, so bringing them into my home was the most natural thing in the world.

Belle thrived during those few days alone with Kayden and even though things have taken such a tragic turn with his brother, I do believe that Dean did as well. Kayden remained the same, though I did see momentary cracks in him after his brother explained that their mother was gone.

As he grew and his home situation became better known, I wrestled with another choice. Telling him the truth. I also owed the truth to my daughter. Kayden had turned on her at that point, their visits ending right around the time he turned ten and even though years passed, I knew she still felt the loss of the little boy she had come to adore.

Kayden deserved the truth then, even if I thought at the time he couldn’t handle it based on his age. Dean knew and where it seemed easy for him to tell his brother about their mother leaving, it wasn’t as easy for him to admit the real reason why. The secret never came out and as the years passed and our connection to the family across the street became even more strained, so did the urge to bring the truth to light.

That is on me. Holding back the way I did, I made the wrong choice. Daphne may have made me promise that I would take the reason for her leaving to the grave, but that was no excuse.

I failed them both. Isabelle and Kayden.

With Belle lying in front on me now, white bandages wrapped around her head, it’s bringing that failure to light. I am beginning to question every step I’ve taken since that fateful day.

If I had only been honest with Kayden from the start, would we be standing here now? Would he have gravitated toward my daughter the way he did over the last year, or would the truth have kept him away indefinitely? Would it have changed the path that all of us found ourselves on all those years ago, resulting in a completely different way of life now, or was it always meant to be the way that it is?

Daphne being back, her going to him in order to bring him back where he belongs, I know it’s going to bring everything around again. It’s time to face our decisions head on and make them right, even if I’m starting to believe they were wrong. Kayden is going to have questions for me and it’s my hope that I get the chance to answer them.

The same way he has wanted to do right by my little girl since the moment he walked back into our lives a year ago, I want to do with him now. The past and present are about to collide and it’s up to all of us to make sure that we don’t leave a disaster in its wake
.

Contrary to what he believes, I do not blam
e him for what happened. The situation they found themselves in was just a tragic accident. A misunderstanding gone wrong. Kayden’s insecurities, the parts of himself that he has never had to face rose to the surface until his mind distorted it so badly, it put him in a situation he couldn’t get out of.

Even if he had meant to react the way he did, he could not have predicted that Belle
would jump in the middle. It’s something that I know about her, but that Kayden wouldn’t have known unless they had been in a situation like this before and as much as they’ve gone through together over the last year, I don’t believe he’s met that part of my little girl.

Belle makes no secret about wanting to do right by others like her. She is often times more concerned with them then she is herself and it’s one of the many things I love about her. Her heart is unmatched and even knowing her all his life, Kayden has yet to experience the full gravity of it. Not being able to predict it and having this happen, it’s a horr
ible situation, but not one I can place blame in.

Watching Belle breathing
, knowing that she’s still here with us even if she’s not awake in the moment, my heart hurts. Not only for her but for the lost little boy that showed up on my doorstep that day ten years ago. The one that seeing her laying here a couple of days ago, ran away because he believes himself to be bad. Wrong. Defective. The reason she’s in pain.

He’s letting his mind overrule reality and even though Belle is my prime concern, I still hope that Daphne can get him here so I can show him that I don’t blame him for any of this and that he’s not what he believes himself to be.

Kayden is so much more. To the beautiful girl lying across from me, he’s everything and he always will be.

He’s not just a boy
my daughter fell in love with. He’s my son, and I want him back where he belongs, even if he believes otherwise.

Turning in the chair as I feel the
air from the now opened door, expecting to see another nurse or more importantly, the doctor, my heart stills and a peace like I’ve never experienced before washes over me as I take in who’s standing beside me.

My prayer was
answered.

Kayden’s come home.

Kayden

I haven’t been here in two days and I can count a total of six times just walking down the hall alone where I wanted to turn around and go back the way I came.

Every step I take that brings me closer to the room where I’m going to see Belle, my throat constricts a little more, until breathing through my mouth is absolutely impossible and I’m left with doing it through my nose.

It had taken the entire car ride to stop the shaking from everything that happened with my mom. I thought I had been through the worst of it until I finally stood in front of the doo
r and it came back again.

My heart is beating wild.
I’m barely keeping it together in the breathing department and I’m pretty sure at any given moment I’m gonna fall on my ass from the way my body is reacting to what’s about to happen next.

Pushing on the door once I’ve turned the handle down, I put one foot in front of the other until I can feel it
sliding closed behind me. I can feel eyes on me, but I don’t dare look at them.

I can’t look and see the anger and disappoint that’s waiting for me. I just need to look at Belle, even if seeing her this
way threatens to break me.

“Oh God.”

Two words, but they’re all I’ve got. I’m face to face with the damage I caused and it’s too much. I never should have come here. Being confronted with the horror story my life has become is torturous.

“It’s not as bad as it looks.”

Finally breaking the connection I have with the pretty girl in the bed, I turn my head toward the sound of the voice and the anger I’m expecting to see is non-existent. There’s no pity or hatred of any kind. It’s looking at Grace now that I see what I wanted to see from Belle when I got here.

Love and u
nderstanding.

Swallowing the lump
in my throat, feeling the tears burning at the corner of my eyes and trying to force them away before what happened in my house repeats, I break eye contact.

It’s another thing that’s too much. I deserve so much less than what she’s giving me.

“How—is she?”

“About the same.”

She says that like I should know what she means. The sick thing is, I should but because I ran, I lost the right to know anything.

“What does that mean?”

“The impact to her head wasn’t fatal, but it knocked her unconscious. She hasn’t woken yet, but the doctors are optimistic. There is no long term damage. The injury looks more severe than it actually is.”

“Then why isn’t she awake?”

“This is the way her body is choosing to heal. At least that’s what the doctor tells me.”

“Will she ever wake up?”

“Yes, Kayden, she will.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“You’ve met Isabelle. Now ask me again why I’m so sure.”

It’s the strangest thing, but there’s a rumble in my throat. A sound I haven’t heard in three days. I’m laughing and it’s no
t a quiet little chuckle. It’s a full on laugh and as the guilt rises, knowing I’m laughing while Isabelle is hurting, it also feels amazing.

I needed to laugh, the same way I’ve been needing to remember how to breathe since everything happened.

Isabelle is stronger than she looks. She’s gone up against bullies, violence and ignorance and still managed to keep fighting. She’s the strongest person I know and if anyone can come back from this, it’s her.

“I’m so sorry, Ms. R.”

“What did we say about that?”

“Grace. I’m sorry.” I say catching myself but repeating the same words, the only ones I’ve got left to say.

“I know you are. She knows you are. It was an accident, Kayden. I’m just glad you’re here. I didn’t want her to wake up without you.”

“Really?”

Her eyes widen in surprise. For whatever reason, she didn’t see it coming though I can’t figure out why. I would have figured after what I put her daughter through she would hate my guts.

“Kayden Walker! I can’t believe you would think otherwise. Belle isn’t the only one in this room that loves you unconditionally. You might not be mine biologically, but make no mistake, you are my son and there’s n
owhere else I want you to be then right here with me.” She motions toward the bed and smiles. “With her.”

This is too much. I don’t know what to say. I’ve got questions about e
verything my mom told me and her part in it, but calling me her son, it’s the same way I’ve felt about her for the past year. She’s as much my family as Belle is. I can’t imagine going through this life without her.

“I know it’s asking a lot, b
ut do you think I can have a few minutes alone with her?”

“You know what? I think that can be arranged.” She says with a smile, sliding out of the chair and motioning toward it. “I’ll be downstairs getting coffee if you need me. Take as much time as you want.”

Giving her my lame attempt at a smile, I nod in acceptance of what she’s said before turning to the bed and focusing all of my attention on the one person that deserves it.

It’s time for me to talk to Belle, but more than that, for me to do something that I don’t think she’s had done since we were kids.

In my drunken stupor last night, I was flooded with memories. Things that we’ve gone through together as kids. Some of them are ones I was familiar with, but there was one memory that stands out more than all the others and it’s what I need to bring to life now.

I can’t j
ust talk to her because she wouldn’t believe me even if she was awake. I’ve got to show her and this is the only way I know how.

Pulling my phone from my pocket, I scroll through until I find what I’m looking for and I place it on the bed beside her. When the time is right, it’s gonna be there and ready for me
. Until then, it’s time for me to say everything that I’ve been too scared to say.

When I got with Belle last fall, I realized something about t
he way we were together. She said she loved me and it was muffled, but I heard her loud and clear. It’s been that way every single day since. It doesn’t matter where we go from here or we’re together or apart. I’ll always hear her because it’s not my head that’s reacting, it’s my heart.

What I’ve got to say, if it works the way I want it to, she’s going to hear even though she’s not awake because her heart will hear me.

“Belle, I know it has taken way too long, but I’m here now. Your mom said that this is where I need to be and my mom said that you’re where I belong and even though I want to fight it, I can’t. I think they’re right.”

“You told me once that actions needed to speak louder than words. I heard you then, but at the time, it didn’t sink in all the way. It has now. I swear to you it has and I’m gonna prove it.”

“This summer you were talking about a story you wanted to write, about a special girl that changed the world. The thing is, you don’t have to write it because you’re living it. You told me your story so now it’s time for you to tell you mine.  I’m going to tell you a story about a special girl that changed the whole world.
My whole world.”

Taking a deep breath I ready myself for what comes next.

“Once upon a time, there was a guy that felt out of place. He was lost in translation. Floating from one moment to the next with no real end in sight. He was desperate. He wanted to break free, find purpose but was too scared. He left school one day, walked across a parking lot and everything changed.”

I have no idea what I’m doing, but I know I can’t stop. This isn’t something I thought about before I got here, but
its right, I can feel it. I’m sitting here telling her this story and I’m lighter. Weightless.