Before I forget, can you tell me if Amy Walsh is back, or should we expect Jed Rosenberg? Amalia seems deeply concerned about that.
PASSAGES
Angel Mae
: I not call Miss Caroline. I think to call her like I think to call Mr. Nate, but Miss Amalia say
I no call anyone
. So I not call. She take bath tonight, but no wash her hair. That’s okay. I know it’s not Miss Amalia’s shampoo day. It’s in the notebook. But after bath, she stay in robe long, long time. First she sit at makeup table, then at kitchen table, then at bed, and then again at makeup table. Miss Amalia sit and sit and sit tonight. I afraid she thinking too much!
I not look at her. She not like it when I look at her. She not like it when I talk to her. Miss Amalia mean sometimes. I give her vitamins and hot tea—only hot tea in evening—but never thank you.
After Mr. Nate leave, Miss Amalia think to move things, and I help her move. She bring makeup table in bedroom because she think Mr. Nate can put his bed in her dressing room. A room for Mr. Nate, now? But he have condo!
Miss Amalia said she want to tell Miss Caroline to leave. She make me put daughter’s clothes in garbage bags because she think it helps Miss Caroline. But Miss Caroline not know this yet. I not want to ruin her vacation, and Mr. Nate maybe come back tomorrow and Saturday, so I wait to show him change in apartment.
Now, Miss Amalia in bed. I don’t know if she asleep but she in bed, door closed and room black.
Amalia
: He’ll need a desk. He can fit one in my old dressing room, or he can make space in the living room. My vanity isn’t so bad in here, but I do have to collect my clothes from the second bedroom. With that girl’s things out of the way, I can manage here quite comfortably. There’s a lot to do. It’s better now that she’s older. Her baby things never made me feel comfortable in my own home. They were constantly in the way, so overpowering to everything that was mine, and made things feel and look disorganized and chaotic. How is a woman supposed to think when her space becomes so hectic and untidy? It’s so much better now that she’s older.
Nathaniel always says
Caroline has a lot on her plate
, so I’ve packed most of her things up with that wretched, hare-brained girl, Angel-Mae. She is so unbearably mousey—her voice so high-pitched and squeaky. I don’t know what that girl was thinking when she agreed to hire her. I’d be fine on my own, and Nathaniel could check on me just like he’s been doing. I honestly never go anywhere, so I don’t see what the problem is. She’d find me here the same way she up and left me.
Is it my imagination or does my bed feel colder tonight? It’s not like this when she’s here, but it feels bigger and bottomless, lately. That incessant whirring sound from the stand-up fan annoys me, and I could switch it off, but if I get up then my mind may think it’s morning, and I’ll start rummaging. My brain is too awake, so it’s best, according to Dr. Toussaint, I just rest my body, willing it to sleep. Besides, then I’d have to deal with Charlotte from downstairs, moaning about noise when she and her shrivelled little mother try to sleep. I will have to keep a closer eye on her when Nate comes back. I like that he stands a few feet away from her when they speak, but she’s always leading him around the yard, yammering away, going on and on.
I’m getting a headache. It’s not dark enough in here tonight. Did that chatty fool change something around on me? It’s impossible to fall asleep tonight. I feel like The Princess and the Pea.
Ryan
: Caroline’s never really been the type to call me with every thought and pretty much gives me the space I need. Actually, I really don’t need all this space because we don’t have that much time together in the first place. Her mother takes up most of it, and her father keeps her pretty busy at his firm. My place in her life should at least follow them, but there’s that Sofia-Marie around. I kind of wish Caroline made more time for me instead. I’ve been nagging her for a holiday, but who does she give into?
Sofie
.
Caroline’s more mature than the other girlfriends and fiancées in our circle, well my circle. She doesn’t really have time for friends, and she’s the prettiest of the bunch without question. Is it so bad to want to show her off? I love having my girl on my arm, and I think it’s a compliment when people check us out. Thank God she doesn’t dress like her mom. That woman’s got issues. I know they’re not her fault but still—
issues
. I see her in passing when I pick up Caroline from their place, and she looks like a 1940’s pinup girl, the kind on a mechanic’s calendar. Actually, she’s pretty hot, but the woman’s definitely off. The dad’s cool, looks pretty strict though, and Caroline’s definitely a daddy’s girl. I’ve texted her three times now and nothing. What the hell is there to do in Maine, anyway?
Chapter Nineteen
It’s like a bad dream. My world has sunk, and I’m freefalling back into coherence. I want to cry from the rush of emotion. I’m so overcome that I want to hit him. In fact, I want to hate Alecsander Vaughn. What was I thinking? I’m tangled up with an artist, for Christ’s sake! My body clenches in horror, sick with dread.
Sofie?
No.
No
.
It doesn’t make any sense, and before I demand an explanation, I must relieve this treacherous engorgement in my throat. When I meet this head on, I don’t want my voice to wobble and tremble. I will not be some pathetic girl who lacks an
open mind
like he obviously thinks I do, nor will I be some puny, frangible woman giving away her life stories.
Alec looks petrified.
Good.
“Please don’t look that way, Caroline. Let’s just have a conversation about this. I assure you, it’s all quite simple to explain,” he endeavours.
“And how, exactly, do I look to you, Alec?” I ask intrepidly, disjointing the words one by one in a staccato. “Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Have I made this into an international crisis, or perhaps I’m just being overdramatic? Because I wouldn’t want you to think I don’t have an open mind about things. In fact, I’m ready to play down the fact that you are painting my cousin—my best friend—
naked
.”
He gazes at me, looking uncomfortable and beaten. Alec runs a hand in his hair and clasps his mouth, dragging a palm down across his chin.
“She’s a customer,” he says.
I recoil.
“What?”
“A customer,” he repeats. “In this instance, she’s most definitely a patron. In fact, Jason and Sofie ordered this canvas together last summer. Like I said, people do make special requests, like the O’Malley’s. They ordered the exact view from their home of Nubble Light, and Jason and Sofie are simply inspired by something else.”
Alec sighs.
“It’s truly as easy as that, love. Except, it’s also rather private, and I do wish those two clumsy idiots had come straight out with it. I forgot it was even here, to be honest.”
“You forgot? How do you forget you’re painting a naked woman?”
“Forgive me, sweetheart, but there’s this incredibly challenging, but spectacular blond dolly bird I’ve been hankering for, and she’s quite distractive, to say the least.”
My mouth drops open, failing me.
“At first, I wasn’t fond of the idea, but Sofie was adamant,” he says. “She absolutely wanted to give Jason this gift, and Jason’s just as anxious to receive it. I won’t lie, love, he threatened me if he thought I’d privately ogle his girl, but truth be told, we’re all very mature about it.”
I retreat. There’s that hint of finger-pointing.
“As opposed to me,” I say, “because I’m immature.”
“What!” He draws back.
“Well, apparently I’m stubborn. I make things bigger than they are—into a
world crisis
I think you said. That is what you said, Alec, isn’t it, or is my melodrama getting the better of me?”
“That’s bloody rubbish!” he says, bordering on hysteria. “Alright, love. Granted, when it dawned on me that your naked best mate was in the other room, it sent me spiraling a little, and I panicked. I didn’t know how to prepare you for this. I’m not inclined for you to know what Jason looks like under his trousers, so I assumed this would not go well with you, either.”
“Oh, you think,” I reply tenaciously.
Alec looks exasperated.
“They brought me a picture, Caroline. A picture!” he says. “Sofie didn’t stand here naked in front of me. As improbable as it may sound, that’s not my cup of tea. I suppose Jay snapped a few images, and they selected this pose.” He points to the canvas. “So I’m painting it.”
“Why you?” I ask.
“Well, how many artists do
you
know?”
“But why are the three of you all hush-hush about it?”
“Darling, it’s more than likely Sofie thought you’d have strong objections, and once she considered releasing the facts, you and I were already spending time together. She probably didn’t want to jeopardize my wooing you.” He grins, and a deliciously wicked brow arches.
Damn.
All fair points but more gnaws at me.
What kind of life-ally does that make me? Sofie’s withholding things from me. We’re supposed to be dear and devoted, but I’m only just finding out about her moving to Maine, and how uninhibited she really is. There’s an element of betrayal or duplicity ascribed to this, and frankly, it has me re-evaluating my takes and perspectives. How miserable do I make her? Moreover, there’s a vulnerability factor to consider.
Alec’s opinions, and the knowledge and information he’s collected on me over the course of these few days, was originally refreshing. It was a perfect change of pace—beneficial and effective until I thought the rug was pulled out from under me a few minutes ago. I realize how accessible I made myself for him, how obtainable and manageable I was. It’s a recipe for disaster! I’m left defenseless; like I need him to care and watch over me. I’m left exposed, and worst of all, susceptible. I don’t want to be inclined to risk or prone to harm. My mother’s condition serves me enough of that as it is.
I shrink back. Alec’s anxiety is visible, appearing large and wide in his eyes. It’s intimidating and risky to look at him because his face dissolves every inkling I have to let him go.
“Can I come closer?” he asks, regarding me intently.
“No,” I say, and he nods reluctantly, his melancholy squeezing at my heart.
“I wish you weren’t so disarming, Alec. But I need to say this, and you need to let me say it.”
He flinches.
I can’t possibly do this while looking at this man. I can still feel the glorious burn of Alec’s stubble around my lips, and his scent is imprinted on my skin. Red blotches linger around my collarbone from his hunger, and I cower for a second, a seismic wave of gloom and misery slowing me down and pulling me under.
“Alec,” I attempt. “Alecsander,” I have another muffled go.
“No,” he says. “No. Don’t leave me with nothing.” His eyes are brightly welled with tears.
I swallow.
I’m seized with panic as I try to collect my thoughts.
“Please don’t say another word, Caroline. I beg you.”
“Alec…”
“Say you’ll think about us. Say you don’t know, and you have to think about us, but don’t leave me with nothing. I’ll wait an eternity, but please don’t leave me with nothing.”
I close my eyes to the painful, beautiful memories flooding to the front of my brain—the story that was us only days and hours ago. Dread grips my throat. Panic gags me.
“We’re not good for each other,” I utter shakily.
He blanches.
“How can you possibly say that?”
“I told you. You disarm me, Alec. I don’t recognize myself when I’m with you. I let my guard down, divulging everything—feeling everything, and it’s so scary having no control.”
His downturned lips pinch together. My lack of balance has me weaving in place, but Alec stands staunchly, his chin lowering to his chest.
“You disarm me. I don’t know how else to explain it, but I can’t live recklessly. I can’t forgo
me
for you. I have my mother to think about, and I have a routine and a schedule. Sofie may scoff at that, but I don’t have a choice. Medication was always problematic for my mother, and much of what we’ve accomplished is through routine and therapy. So I can’t risk wanting more.”
“I’m more?” He cocks his head.
“Of course, you’re more. And I like getting lost in you, but that has to stop.”
I inhale deeply through my nose, exhaling from the mouth. I thrust my chest out, building strong posture, and exude calm and focus for my mission.
“I’d never pull you away from your mother, Caroline. I’d just take care of you while you take care of her.”
Alec’s words stab me. I desperately crave that to be true, but I can’t deny how helpless I am around him. I never find myself in weak positions with Ryan, and now my boyfriend’s name launches images of his face, bulldozing me. I’ve been absolutely appalling. My heart jumps into my mouth.
“Alec, I need to leave.”
“Caroline…”
“No,” I say.
I can’t scramble to reverse what I’ve done here tonight, but I can stop it right now. I whip around and commence my agonizing exit. That lump of fear of never seeing Alec again burns. Now that I know so much more of him: how we look together when my hands fist in his hair, how my head and neck instantly make way for his mouth when it leaves mine, how I twist and squeal and pant when I’m in his arms, and how my breasts peak and everything turns tender. Yet again, my thoughts return to Alec, surpassing everything I’ve ever known. Will I ever be rescued from his intoxicating spell?
I scurry down the staircase, rushing to the door.
“Caroline, please. You can’t drive, now. The roads are tricky, especially at this time of night.”
“I’ll be fine,” I say, dismissing myself and grabbing my tote along the way.
“I can’t let you go like this. I’ll drive you to the cottage.”
“No.”
“Caroline, please,” he says and clutches my keys. “I’m sorry but I won’t risk you hurting yourself. Do you understand me? I won’t, and you can think I’m savage, but this is going my way, sweetheart.”
I stare at him, stone-faced. I can’t possibly be alone with this man in small quarters again. And how will I ever remove the image of us in my car, that heady, sensational scene? I can always sell the Volkswagen, but Alec is tattooed on my brain.
“Do we have a deal?”
My spirits nose-dive. I’ll never be rid of him. He’s my adrenaline and my peace. I’m lost in urges. I want to run and cry as much as I want to fasten my body around his and let him make a fuss over me. I half scowl, half capitulate, breezing through a mental check list:
I sigh, my eyes struggling under wilting lids.
“You’re shattered, love,” he says quietly. “I can’t let you drive this spent and angry. You do understand that? You do understand what you mean to me?”
His words unravel me.
“But why?”
“How do you mean
why
?”
“You’ve only just met me.”
“But I heard so much about you,” he says quickly. “Sofie is your biggest fan, darling, and you’re the most exotic creature I’ve ever seen. Maybe divine intervention has put what we have here on a firm, expeditious tempo because you’re so cautious and restrained, and believe me, I don’t mean that as a slur. I respect that, but not every situation or relationship should be regarded with such vigilance. We
are
good for each other,” Alec says deeply and earnestly, curling his arms over his head. “I feel it. Don’t you?”
He ignites me. Alec has dominated my time and overshadowed my holiday. Of course, I feel it. I’ve never felt anything more rapturing, more thrilling, and more magnificent. I’ve never known anything so remarkable—so stirring until it exhilarates me out of this world.
I keep steady, weighing how I can maintain equilibrium, connecting the dots from back home to fitting Alec into my life. He obviously believes when there is a will there’s also a way, and I want to trust him, but it doesn’t come instinctively. I’m not wired that way, but I’m opening up to it despite my hesitations.
I look to the keys in his grip.
“How will you get back home?” I ask meekly.
He sighs.
“I’ll ring Jason, or I’ll walk. Or I can drive you, and you can drive me, and we can go on like that all night, in a perpetual cycle of madness.” He grins.
I laugh, biting my lip as I look down to the gravel path.
“I suppose you can stay in a spare bedroom,” I say shyly.
He’s silent for a second.
“Staying over is up to you. It’s always up to you, but until then, love, and since I do have to lock up the house,” he says, sweeping down and clasping me around my thighs, “I’m not letting you out of my sight.”
I shriek, chucked over his shoulder.
“Alec!” I screech.
“You’re such a delectably, maddening woman, do you know that?” he says gravely. His nose digs into the curve of flesh peeking out of my shorts, and he bites it.
I wince a tantalizing shudder, slapping Alec, and frame the narrowing part of his back with my hands on either sides. In his grip I melt and vaporize