Standing there, a bottle of the she-devil’s favorite Riesling in one hand and a Glock cleaning kit in a gift bag for the birthday boy in the other, Danny contemplated turning right back around, getting into his dented Audi, and leaving.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
Nathan hates celebrating his birthday, so it’s not like he’ll give a shit if you don’t show up.
And Stella can deal – her
this-is-one-of-the-last-times-we’ll-be-able-to-celebrate-Nathan’s-birthday-together
bullshit, aside.
Danny heard laughing from inside the house and the sweating and shaking he’d been experiencing spiked. His heart began pounding harder and faster against his ribcage and the muscles in his stomach knotted tighter – his body responding furiously to the knowledge that Kat was only a few feet away, just on the other side of the door.
It wasn’t only anxiety and dread that had the blood pumping harder through his body, his hands all clammed up, and his mind racing…there was anticipation mixed in there. Heady excitement, too. Because, as it turned out, Danny’s body didn’t really give a shit about how difficult it would be to be near her or how much pain he was in. It just wanted to be close to her no matter what the circumstances, further psychological damage, be damned.
Which is why you’re moving. Because, if you stick around here, you won’t be able to stay away from her. You’ll pant after her, find any excuse to be near her, and probably end up on your knees, begging.
And Danny wasn’t sure how many more polite, detached interactions and rejections he could stand before there was nothing left of him.
Danny eyed the deep red door.
Might as well get it over with.
His fingers curled tighter around the wine and gift bag.
It might be the last time you see her before you go.
Danny yanked at his collar, trying to alleviate the sudden tightness in his throat.
Might be the only chance you have left to say…
Good-bye.
Danny rapped hard on the door twice before opening it and stepping inside.
“Danny, hi!” Stella jumped off the couch and walked towards him, smiling. “Come on in!” She reached for the wine bottle and gift bag. “Let me take those!”
Danny stepped far enough inside to shut the door behind him. “The, uh, wine is for you. Obviously.” He cleared his throat – against the tightness and the sudden, awkward silence in the front room.
And all the eyes he felt on him, including
hers
.
Danny forced himself to focus on Stella’s face – afraid of what feelings and knee-jerk behavior making eye contact with Kat might cause. “And the, uh, gift is for Nathan.” Danny cleared his throat again. “I know he said no gifts, but, uh…” He pulled at his collar. “It’s nothing. Just something small.”
“How thoughtful, Danny!” Gigi shoved Stella out of the way and grabbed his arm.
She pulled him in further before doing her usual disrobing – yanking off one arm of Danny’s jacket and then the other, until she was folding it over her arm. She smiled up at him, gesturing into the room. “Well, come on in! The pizza just got here and we were about to sit down and eat!”
Danny nodded, smiling stiffly. “Okay. Thanks.”
“Just us adults tonight. Well, except for Gia, of course. Marco is home with sick kids and Carla took the girls to her mom’s for the weekend.” Gigi gave him one more heartening smile and tossed the jacket on the back of a chair. She turned to Nathan, Fi, Nina, and Kat. “Okay, everybody, let’s go eat!”
Danny stood there, trying to focus on Nathan as he approached. But that didn’t mean he missed seeing Kat out of the corner of his eye. And it didn’t mean that that peripheral detection hadn’t dropped his heart, balled up his fists, tightened up his chest, and…
Danny shoved his hands into the front pockets of his khakis and shifted slightly…
Because goddamn if just the slightest glimpse of her and the faintest scent of her in the air hadn’t hardened him right up.
Danny wondered how many years would have to go by – fuck, how many
decades
– for Kat not to affect him this way.
My bet’s on the remainder of my natural life.
“I told you last night you didn’t have to show up,” Nathan said quietly, as everyone filed into the dining room. He lifted a shoulder, arms crossing over his chest. “Not saying Stella wouldn’t have hunted you down and dragged you over here, anyway, but you could have at least tried resisting.”
It was Danny’s turn to shrug. “She was right. I probably won’t be around for many more of your birthdays.” His lips curled. “Not that you give a shit, but I know she does. And I do.”
Nathan’s brows furrowed slightly and his lips pressed into a grimmer line than usual, which indicated some emotional response.
“What?”
“I give a shit about you not being around,” Nathan said flatly.
Danny had been so focused on getting away from Kat that he’d hardly had time to think about what leaving Cleveland meant for other aspects of his life. And Nathan’s life.
But before Danny could respond, Nathan shrugged and said, “But enough about that,” and walked away.
And that was the end of that particular heart-to-heart.
Danny followed Nathan into the dining room, where everyone was already sitting down and his stomach dropped to realize the only open seat was between Stella and Gigi…
Directly across the table from Kat.
Shit.
Palms sweating like crazy and his hands shaking, Danny pulled out the chair and sat down. He couldn’t decide what would have been worse – sitting across from her like this and having to look straight at her, or sitting next to her – so close they probably would have accidentally brushed against each other, her scent driving him out of his mind.
He quickly decided both arrangements
fucking sucked
.
As everyone started digging into the pizza and making small talk – well, everyone besides Danny, Kat and Nathan (who refused to engage in small talk under any circumstance) – Danny braced himself.
Just look at her and get it over with. You can’t avoid her eyes all damn night. Just look at her once and get the worst of it over with.
It’ll be better once you get that awkwardness out of the way.
Just look, dammit…
Danny balled his hands into fists against his thighs, clenched his stomach up, and looked over at her.
And the sight of her face delivered precisely the breath-stealing gut punch he’d expected it to.
Fuck, she’s so damn beautiful.
But Danny’s concern increased the more he took her in. Kat looked tired, pale and just flat-out worn out. She was slumping in her chair, hands in her lap, and she had dark circles under her eyes. Her expression was tight and blank as she stared at the piece of pizza Fi was setting on her plate.
Danny clenched his fists up tighter, because all he wanted to do was pull her out of that chair and into his arms…to hold her as tightly as she’d allow, for as long as she’d allow.
Unfortunately, she doesn’t want that and she doesn’t want
you.
But now that he’d looked at Kat, Danny couldn’t take his eyes off of her. He knew he was flat-out staring – knew everyone else saw him staring, too – but there was no stopping it. Especially since he knew this might be the last time he saw her for months. Maybe longer.
God, I love her.
And need her.
So fucking much.
Danny’s chest felt like it had been cracked open, exposing an empty, hideous, gaping wound. An exposed wound that everyone could see, but nothing could heal.
Nothing – no one – but her.
Stella asked Kat a question about work and Kat glanced over to answer. Then, suddenly, her eyes shifted to Danny…
Those amazing, beautiful, deep hazel eyes…the ones that had caught his attention from the moment they’d met. The ones that had stared into his during the most intimate moments of his life…ones that had touched his fucking soul and gazed into his heart…ones that had made him feel truly seen and known and accepted – for the first and only time in his life.
Eyes Danny could have drawn by heart, if he’d had a creative bone in his body. Eyes that were burned into his brain. Eyes that haunted his dreams…
Eyes that were now staring back at him with such emotion – such open sorrow – that he felt tears forming in his.
Danny’s gaze bore
into hers and hers into his, until all he saw was the brown, gold, and green flecks of her irises and all he felt was overwhelming love, astonishing loss, and painful need.
Kat.
In that moment, Danny forgot it had all been confusion and lies and misguided affection. All he could think about was how much he’d always liked her and admired her…how much she’d always turned him on without even trying…how easy it had been to fall in love with her…how loving her, taking care of her, and making plans with her had seemed so natural…how beautiful and life-changing all those small moments with her had been…how, for once in his life, he had been so hopeful about the future, simply because she would have been in it…
But as she stared back at him with those soulful eyes, the crushing pain slammed back into him, reminding him that she’d never loved him. That the same moments that had been so incredible and profound for him had meant nothing to her. That she’d never pictured a future with him…
No, that wasn’t true. She
had
pictured a future with him…she just hadn’t liked what she’d seen.
Danny wondered if she knew he was moving. And, if she did, he wondered if she even cared.
She’ll probably be thrilled to see you go. The constant reminder of the mistakes she made won’t be around and she’ll be able to move on without guilt. She’ll be free of you and all the drama. She’ll go back to being happy again.
Despite her mishandling of their situation, Kat was not a malicious or unkind person. Knowing she’d hurt him this way was obviously weighing on her, which explained her appearance and the anguished look in her eyes as she held his gaze.
Yet another good reason for leaving. Because, even though she destroyed me, I still can’t stand seeing her in pain. I would gladly suffer whatever I had to endure to make sure she was taken care of, safe, and happy.
I can’t take care of her and I can’t keep her safe, but I can make her happier. By removing myself from her life and allowing her to let go of the guilt and move on.
Stella cleared her throat, breaking into his thoughts.
When Danny turned to face her, Stella smiled. “Somebody wants you, Danny.”
The moment Danny’s
eyes left hers, Kat bit her lip to keep from screaming – at him to look back at her, at everyone to leave so they could be alone, and at herself for being such a blind, stupid, stubborn fool for so long.
Gia bounced up and down on her feet giggling and babbling, as Stella held her up.
“As usual, the second she spots her Uncle Danny, I turn into chopped liver,” Stella said, laughing.
Danny smiled big at Gia, making her giggle loud and bounce harder. She reached for him, arms stretching in his direction.
“Come here, baby girl,” Danny said, leaning over and taking Gia from Stella’s arms into his own. “Come here and give me some love.” He kissed Gia’s cheek a bunch of times, making her squeal and babble.
A horrible, yearning look suddenly crossed Danny’s face as he looked down at Gia. He gently pulled her into his chest, holding her close, and Gia wrapped her chubby arms around his neck.
“
My funny little martian
,” he said softly, smashing what remained of Kat’s already decimated heart to smithereens.
Because Kat knew he was thinking about leaving the only family he’d ever known. And he was leaving because of Kat. And it was all because Kat had been so busy trying to protect him that she hadn’t given a second thought to what might actually make him happy…hadn’t even considered trusting him enough to make his own damn decisions.
Because, just like always,
you
know best, right?
In a dazed fog, Kat watched Danny turn Gia and set her in his lap. He tried cutting the pizza up into tiny, bite-size pieces for her, but Gia kept grabbing at Danny’s hands, making him laugh – the deep, husky sound of it tightening Kat’s throat until it became almost impossible to breathe.
Fickle Bitch Brain:
Tell him you’re sorry for lying to him, hurting him, and not respecting his opinion! That you were wrong for not giving his feelings any credence! That you love him – that you’ve
always
loved him – and that you always will! That there was never anyone else and there never will be…that you want to marry him as soon as humanly possible…that you want to spend the rest of your life making up for the hell you’ve put him through…
Kat’s brain paused, waiting for her Better Judgment to pipe up like she always did.
But there was nothing.
Just silence.
Because, suddenly, Kat’s vast realizations and rock-solid certainty filled the space where doubt, fear, self-protection, and misguided intentions had once resided. Where they’d resided for as long as she could remember. Where she’d assumed they’d always be – keeping her strong…smart…
safe
.
Kat stared at Danny’s beautifully familiar face, tears welling yet again and her lips pulling into the slightest of smiles as epiphany after epiphany washed over her.
This isn’t about reason, judgment, facts, or logic – and it never has been. And it never will be, no matter how hard you try to make the pieces all neatly fit into something that soothes your scientific soul.
This is about something that cannot be measured, studied under a microscope, objectively evaluated, or shoved into a neat equation. It makes no outward sense, nor is there rhyme or reason as to when, where, or how it arrives in your life, the impact it makes, and – most especially – the person it arrives in.