All of You (74 page)

“Well, of course. You are a very sexual man, Danny – I suspect even more sexual than the average man. And you’ve had a very prolific and varied sexual past. How could you not compare me to every woman that came before? And while, right now, I might be able to come close-” Kat reconsidered. “Well, close-ish to what you need and want, but what’s going to happen when that’s no longer possible? You’ll get frustrated and resentful, I’ll be miserable knowing I can’t be what you need, and eventually we’ll wind up hating each other.” Kat’s voice lowered and tightened. “And I couldn’t survive it, Danny – not the fear of knowing it’s coming, not the humiliation of knowing I couldn’t satisfy you, and not the guilt of knowing I’d sentenced you to a lifetime of disappointment and frustration…because you would be too loyal to cheat on me or leave me. Do you see why I want to spare you – spare us
both
 – all of that?”

When Danny just sat there silently, pensively staring at her, Kat’s heart felt like it was breaking in her chest all over again. Because Danny looked like a man who had just seen the light.

“It’s okay to admit I’m making perfect sense, Danny,” she whispered, eyes welling. “I already know.”

After a few more moments of silence, Danny began shaking his head. “The shit going on in your head is so much worse than I thought, Kat.
So
much worse. And I am an even bigger asshole than I thought for not realizing it.” The gaze he leveled on her was so intensely direct it bordered on painful. “So, what you’re saying is you think I’m in this for the pussy I can get off you?”

“No…of course not,” Kat replied, pulling Danny’s shirt even tighter. “But sex is a huge part of any romantic relationship. And as idealistic as it is to say things like ‘it won’t matter,’ the truth is it
will
matter. A lot. To both of us.”

Danny gripped the back of his neck, a tight half-grin tugged at the corner of his mouth. “I don’t…” He shook his head. “There is so much fuckupedness going on in your head, I honestly don’t even know where to begin, Kat. There is so much tangled-up bullshit going on with you that I…” Danny blew out a hard breath. “I’m not even sure what to ask or address first.” He dropped his hand and crossed his arms over his chest. “Alright, here’s what we’re gonna do – we’re gonna start at the beginning, starting with some basic questions. Got it?”

Danny gave her a pointed look, Kat eventually nodded, and he asked, “Do you love me, Kat?”

‡

W
hen she hesitated,
Danny shook his head, smirking. “
Tsk-tsk-tsk
. This is not a very encouraging start, sweetheart, because that should be the simplest answer of all. Hell, you said it before and you just said it a few minutes ago, so why the fuck are you hesitating now?” When Kat didn’t respond, his smile faded and his voice lowered as he searched her eyes. “Why is it so hard for you to admit to loving me, Kat?”

Kat fought an instinctive urge to deflect.

No. No more hiding.

“In the beginning, it was hard because I didn’t even want to admit it to myself,” she began quietly. “Then I had trouble admitting it to you because I hated feeling vulnerable…because I doubted your intentions and whether things would last and because I didn’t want to get hurt when they didn’t.” Kat paused. “But then, after I realized you truly did love me and would never hurt me, I found it very easy to say, but it still hurt to say…because it felt selfish and wrong to encourage your feelings – to deepen our relationship – when all that would do was destroy you in the end. It would have destroyed me, too, but my concern was never for myself, not after I fell in love you. After that, everything became about protecting you – from me, from what loving me would do to your life…” Kat paused, choking up. “And mostly from the agony of what would happen to you once I was gone.”

“But, Kat…sweetheart-”

“Please just let me finish,” she interrupted and Danny fell silent.

Kat inhaled deeply and let it all…
go
.

“The answer to your question is the most resounding
yes
I can give. Yes, of course, I love you with all of my heart, Danny. I feel like I somehow loved you before I ever met you and, after I met you, I loved you long before I knew I did. I meant every single ‘I love you’ I said out loud and the thousands of them that remained in my head. I loved you every time you cared for me, held me, kissed me, touched me…” Kat’s throat tightened as her eyes welled. “I loved you so desperately every time we made love, Danny…I cannot even verbalize it. There are no words that come anywhere close to the love I felt for you during those moments. The trust, too.” She shook her head. “I wish I could somehow turn those amazing feelings into a tangible equation…so I could show it to you…
prove
it to you. So that you could see with your own eyes the love I feel for you every time your hands touch my skin, when I can truly feel your love for me…how overwhelming the love was every time you were moving inside of me…how I thought my heart might burst every time you said you loved and needed and wanted me, too.”

“
Kat
…” Danny breathed out.

“I loved you the day I realized I needed to let you go and I loved you the day I broke up with you.” Kat sniffled, wiping at her face with the sleeve of Danny’ shirt. “Actually, I loved you
more
that day than I ever had before. I
had
to, otherwise I would have never been able to say all those things, Danny. I never would have survived hurting you that way, rejecting you that way…if I hadn’t loved you so much, I never could have watched you walk away from me. If I had loved you any less, I never, ever could have let you go, because watching you leave – knowing how much you were hurting and how desperate I was to keep you forever – was the most difficult, most painful moment of my life.”

Kat held his tender gaze and forced herself to admit the most painful truth of all to this man.

Except it’s not even painful, anymore. Actually, saying it to him suddenly feels like the most natural thing in the world.

Because you know your feelings are safe with him. They always have been and they always will be.

“Not only do I love you, Danny –
I need you
. Desperately. More than I have ever needed anyone or anything in my life. In fact, you are the
only
thing I have ever truly needed to survive…the one person I could never, ever live without,” Kat said. “And you know me well enough by now that isn’t easy for me to admit. I’ve spent my entire life making damn sure I didn’t need anyone – proving that I could take care of myself, all by myself. But I need you…” Her throat tightened in protest against what she was about to say, but Kat pushed the words out anyway. “And I want to let you take care of me, which is even harder to admit. Saying that scares me more than anything else, Danny, because it’s not fair to put you in that position. It’s not fair to ask that of you, to take advantage of your love for me that way.” Kat shook her head ruefully. “But I can’t seem to help myself when it comes to you. You’ve turned me into this crazy, selfish, needy, sex-crazed fiend whose only thoughts revolve around how to next get her fix of you. It goes against all reason, the way I need you, Danny, but I can’t stop it no matter how hard I try.”

Danny eyed her for a few seconds before saying, “Can it be my turn now, sweetheart? Please? ‘Cause as much as I could listen to you go on and on about how much you love me and need me all day, if I don’t get to say a few things, I’m gonna fucking explode.”

Kat nodded. “Of course. Go ahead.”

“The first thing we’ve gotta clear up is this bullshit you have bouncing around in your head about the women I was with before. I don’t want to think about them – let alone talk about them – for any longer than I have to, so I’m gonna keep this very direct and very brief.” Danny held her gaze tight. “Looking at you – just
looking
at you – brings me more satisfaction – more…I don’t know…
pleasure
, I guess – than every single mindless, heartless, soulless fuck I’ve ever had with any other woman. Just being close to you, talking to you, listening to your voice and hearing you laugh fulfills me more than anything I’ve ever done with anyone else.”

“Yeah, but sexually-”

“Yeah, but sexually,
what
, Kat?” Danny exhaled a loud scoff. “What, me almost coming in my damn pants every time you touch me didn’t tip you off? Me physically needing you – wanting you – so badly and so often that it’s all I could think about and me damn near jumping on you every chance I got wasn’t a clear enough sign for you? What is it you need – for me to take out a damn billboard sign spelling it out for you?” He searched her face, head shaking again. “Fucking blows my mind that you felt like you were somehow competing with them, Kat. Well, let me make this very clear for you, once and for all, sweetheart: there is no competition. You win. Hands down. You are the best fuck, lay, hook-up, and screw I’ve ever had. By far. Without question. Nothing I ever did with anyone else ever came remotely close to what goes on with us. And not just because we’re in love, although that sure doesn’t hurt. But the sex we have is phenomenal, insane, and amazing because it just is, Kat…because you are hot as fucking hell and everything you do, say, and are drives me out of my fucking mind. I’m more sexually attracted to and excited by you than all of the other women I’ve been with combined. So, let’s just drop that little bit of bullshit, okay? Let’s never even go there again, all right? Because you thinking that you are somehow
less than
because you were inexperienced or because I can’t bend you into a fucking pretzel – which I wouldn’t even want to do, anyway, by the way – is so ridiculous I can’t even believe I have to dispute it and clarify it out loud.”

“But what happens when the disease progresses and we can’t have sex anymore, Danny?” Kat’s throat tightened and tears prick at the backs of her eyelids as she forced herself to voice this huge fear. “Then, what?”

“Then I guess I’ll be doing a lot of jerking off, Kat! I don’t wanna fuck anyone else, anyway, and I never will! And I won’t! Ever! I told you, the thought of it makes me fucking sick to my stomach! So if, for whatever reason in the future, I can’t have you, I’ll just have to whack off, okay? And I’ll be thinking about you every damn time I do it, too, so that’s the end of that!”

“But you might change your mind after years of no sex, Danny,” she replied quietly, wanting to make sure he really understood what he might be signing up for. “It’s easy to say it won’t matter now, while I’m still relatively healthy. But, in the future-”

“You are just not getting it, Kat,” Danny interjected. “I choose
you
! Not your body, not what it can do and can’t do, and not what it can give me –
you
! I would rather spend the rest of my life with you – with zero sex – over any other alternative. Period. Because I just love you, need you, and can’t live without you that damn much. And I’ll always feel that way, Kat. No matter what. So that’s that. End of story.” He paused. “Which brings us to the next attitude adjustment.”

Danny leaned in and latched onto her eyes tight. “
I. Don’t. Give. A. Flying. Fuck. About. Your. Disease
.” When Kat’s brows shot up, Danny added, “Well, I care about it, but not as it pertains to us. Your MS has nothing – and I mean
nothing
 – to do with us, Kat. At all. It never has and it never will. It’s a part of you – a part I wish I could make disappear or at least take on for you – but it’s still a part of you. Just like my childhood and all the shit I went through is a part of me. You wish you could make all that disappear or take it on for me, right?” When Kat nodded, Danny did, too. “But you can’t. So what do you do? You accept all of it and love me, anyway. Hell, you might even love me
more
for surviving it, sort of how I love and admire you even more for how you handle your MS. And so that’s how we’re going to, as you like to say,
proceed
, from here: you’re going to stop using the MS to push me away, you’re going to keep me informed and involved about your condition, and you’re going to let me take care of you – regardless of what that might involve.”

“But-”

“But,
nothing
, Kat! That’s it! Period!”

“No, that’s
not
it, period!” Kat shot back. “Your damage is done, Danny! And – God willing – it’s not going to get any worse. And your damage doesn’t affect me. Of course it affects me emotionally, knowing you endured it, but you don’t have to live with yourself knowing your damage is negatively impacting my life in any way!”

“Oh, you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me right now, Kat! My damage has affected you every goddamned day since we’ve been together and it probably will for the rest of our lives!”

She reared back. “How so?”

“I am the fucking
poster boy
for abandonment issues! I have low self-esteem, trust issues, and trouble controlling my anger! I drink to self-medicate, I used to fuck and do drugs to deal with it, too. I have, as the shrinks always said, ‘a fear of intimacy,’ or at least I did until I met you. And you know better than anyone else that I am a jealous, paranoid asshole – just look at all that shit I stirred up about Ben!” Danny paused, eyes narrowing. “Which reminds me…nothing happened with him, right? That was just all part of whatever shit you were pulling?”