All or Nothing
Authors: S Michaels
by
S Michaels
Text
copyright © 2014
S
Michaels
All
Rights Reserved
‘But I won’t know anyone’ I
express.
‘Gosh Abi what are you 12!’ Scott
scolds. I frown at him fury radiating through my insides, I take a deep breath
and attempt to bite back the anger I experience. It just isn’t succeeding this
relationship, I am flogging a dead horse!
Scott and I have been dating for eighteen
months, but at some point in the very near future I will have to face the
reality of the fact that we have failed.
‘You go’ I soothe, ‘they are your friends
Scott’
‘The invitation is for both of us Abi,
Sarah-Jane is expecting you there too’ his impatience with me is worsening, all
I seem to do is frustrate him. I feel emotional at the knowledge that I am
going to have to end this, the fact that we rented a flat together just six
months ago just adds to the mess. I cannot afford to pay the whole rent on the
property alone and Bella has a full house now, my room being rented out
immediately to one of her work colleagues.
‘Jesus Abi you would think I am
requesting your attendance at a funeral the way you are carrying on, it is
Vegas!’ he shrugs his suit jacket on and grabs his work bag moving to the
door. He turns at the last moment and sighs, ‘I will inform Jamie and
Sarah-Jane of our attendance yes?’ he raises an eyebrow his beautiful brown
eyes that once moved over me like chocolate now penetrating mine with nothing
more than cool tolerance.
‘Fine’ I murmur quietly as I feel tears
burn behind my eyes, the door slams and I flop in the chair wiping a stray tear
away.
I glance around our tidy flat, we should
have never moved in together things were beginning to crumble before we agreed to
give things a real go. To be honest I think even back then I realized that the
relationship was never going to be more than it already was, it was a last
ditch attempt in recovering the relative happiness of our early days which is
impossible, a relationship moves onto the next level or dies, we should have
been brave enough to let it go.
My mind returns to the day we met, Scott
with his brown short hair and big puppy dog eyes gliding over me like silk as I
stood waiting at the tube station at the Embankment. I flashed a small smile
his way remembering how bound over I was by his huge cheesy grin, he had
perfect even teeth his face transforming with the action. The tube arrived
immediately after our interaction both of us then distracted by the whooshing
of the train and the pushing and shoving as people endeavored to enter the carriage
before people disembarked.
A few days later I glance up from my
kindle to find Scott’s cheesy grin once again directed my way. This time he
saunters over to me and says, ‘hi’ I remember feeling shy but returning the
greeting before the tube arrived. We entered together squashed up against one
another for the three stops I travelled my eyes moving everywhere but towards
Scott’s direction. As I exited the carriage I turned and smiled, ‘bye’ and he
turned and jumped off calling me.
‘Hey, what’s your name?’
‘Abi’ I called.
‘Abi, can I take you for a drink?’ the
doors beep signaling closure and he jumps back on board his face grinning out
of the door at me. I nod before turning and grinning walking on air for the
rest of the day.
It is another week before Scott and my
path crossed again by which time I was actively searching the platform every
morning just in case.
I am standing on the platform on the
Thursday listening to my playlist when a tap on the shoulder startles me, I
jump lightly before turning into the smiley face of Scott I pull my ear buds
out and smile, ‘hi’
‘Hi yourself, so how about that drink?’
he murmurs gently his eyes moving over my face absorbing my features.
‘Sure, when?’ I smile.
‘Tonight?’ he tests.
I had planned drinks with the girls
tonight but it was very casual so I nod, ‘sounds good’
‘Meet me at six outside the tube station
here?’ he offers.
‘Sure’ the tube rushes past us slowing to
a halt with a screeching, the doors open and we squeeze ourselves onto the
packed carriage once again. I feel Scott’s eyes on me for the entire journey
my cheeks flushing slightly as I avoid eye contact. Just before I exit he
moves his mouth to my ear, ‘I’m Scott by the way’
‘Nice to meet you Scott’ I reply quietly
aware of a few people observing our interaction and I turn to step off of the
carriage.
That evening we sat in a bar in Covent
Garden and chatted until late, Scott was a gentlemen and I relaxed in his
company immediately. As a Financial Advisor he worked long hours which is why
we saw each other mainly at weekends only catching maybe a drink once midweek
where his appointments permitted. He travelled around with his employment
which is why he appeared on the platform once, maybe twice a week but I looked
forward to those days to view that cheesy grin.
I worked as a PA to a Marketing Director
in the West End so although I worked long days where required I was based in
one place and very rarely got home after eight. The first few months of our
relationship we were extremely happy and enjoyed each other’s company
immensely. We lived in different areas of London, me in the South Scott in the
North so generally we met in central London at weekends and spent the day
sightseeing before Scott accompanied me back to the station.
The one possible incompatibility that
flashed through my mind in the early days was the sexual attraction. In the
beginning Scott would stand in Charing Cross station and kiss me gently albeit
pleasantly before I entered on the train. Although his kisses provided a warm
sensation they never awoke the passion inside me and I never quite believed
that he yearned for me. Our relationship however was wonderful in all other
aspects Scott being a most attentive boyfriend, he would call me every evening
from wherever he was to enquire on my day before telling me how beautiful I was
and how he was the luckiest man alive.
It was seven weeks before we had sex and
I was pleasantly surprised, Scott was a skilled unselfish lover and things
finally fell into place. We then spent most of the weekends entirely together
either staying at mine or his on the Saturday evening.
Bella and Scott however had a strained
relationship, Bella was my best friend of ten years we met at college and
remained firm friends thereafter. Although Scott was always polite and
courteous to Bella she never warmed to him, to the outside world they appeared
as though they were friends but having known both of them separately it was
apparent there was an underlining problem. One night after a few Tequilas in
the local cocktail bar during happy hour I questioned Bella why she acted the
way she does towards Scott.
‘Abi, don’t go there he is your boyfriend
and I will always be polite. I don’t have to like him you do’ she slurred.
‘But what is it he has done, you are
normally such a friendly person’ I probe.
‘He hasn’t done anything, I just don’t
think he is what he appears I am sorry but he looks down his nose at us mere
mortals’ I was angry and confused but changed the subject refusing to be pulled
into an argument between my best friend and my boyfriend.
Scott and I continued to see each other
at weekends until ten months down the line when I felt as though the distance
was creating a problem. I was fed up with just seeing him one night a week and
I couldn’t see things improving especially with Scott’s work schedule. I began
to detach my feelings from Scott, even though he had declared his love for me I
felt as though I was a welcome distraction at the end of the week.
One weekend I informed Scott I couldn’t
see him as I was spending time with Bella and our mutual friends. I had a
great time with the girls, we spent the evening partying and I finally began to
relax and let my hair down. We rolled in from a club at four in the morning
completely smashed and woke feeling awful, but alive.
I began to feel as though Scott was
suppressing my personality slightly, not purposefully but I became a different
person when he was around. That Sunday afternoon Bella and I were lounging on
the sofa in our onesies with no makeup on eating junk food reminiscing on our
wild night out when the doorbell rang. After arguing about who should answer
it Bella moved to open the door only to find Scott on the doorstep.
‘Hi Bella, is Abi in?’ Scott’s short
voice enquired.
‘Sure, come in’ Bella moves to my view
with her eyebrow raised. I glance behind her to notice Scott and jump up
fixing my hair into a pony tail.
‘Hi’ I utter surprised.
‘Hi’ he glances at my attire and I feel
as though I have been caught smoking behind the bike shed, ‘can we have a
chat?’
‘Sure, here or would you rather go out?’
I enquire believing this is the big speech about it has been fun blah, blah.
‘Maybe out’ his eyes move to Bella who is
busying herself tidying up the flat.
‘Ok, give me a moment’ I move to my
bedroom ‘sit, please’ I insist. I have already showered so I dress in jeans
and a jumper before applying some make up and pull my hair into a messy bun.
We sit in the coffee shop and Scott
observes me over the table, ‘did you have a good evening?’ he queries.
‘Yes thank you, look Scott I think I know
why you are here things aren’t working out too well between us anymore I
understand that. I think the distance is just too big a deal’ I reply smiling
lightly at him.
He looks shocked ‘I thought things were
fine’ he mutters ‘why would you say that?’
‘I think that it has run its course Scott
I have had a lot of fun and you are a wonderful boyfriend but I want more from
a relationship than one night out a week. With our proximity and your work
timetable it isn’t enough for me’ I gaze into his delicious brown eyes, do I
even love him? I question.
‘Well I can comprehend where you are
coming from but I disagree I feel we have something to work on’ he sips his tea
regarding me cautiously ‘I want us to move in together’
‘What?’ I am stunned ‘that is a big step
Scott, we hardly know each other’
‘But that is exactly the point Abi, the
only way we will get to know each other is to spend more time together. The
only way for us to manage that is to move in together, we will rent somewhere
to test our relationship and all being well maybe later down the line we will
buy somewhere’ he grasps my hand ‘give us a chance’ he whispers bringing my
hand to his lips.
We found a flat a month later in London,
we agreed that being central we could both still visit our prospective families
and friends. Bella was astounded but remained tight-lipped aware that I was
perfectly clued up on her opinion and informed me I knew where she was if I
needed her.
The first few months of living with Scott
was amazing, I had never lived with a man before and delighted in cooking us
romantic dinners and decorating the flat to our taste. Scott was very tidy to
the point of OCD but I guessed we were both in a transition period adapting to
each other’s styles of living. More than once I found him picking up my
belongings in the flat and tidying them away even before I had finished with
them. At first I found it endearing that I had captured a man that doesn’t
mind a bit of cooking and cleaning, after a while however I felt as though I
was walking on eggshells. I missed Bella and our nightly chats, I was lonely
in the flat alone on the several nights that Scott worked overtime a week.
I was regretting my decision my parents
loved Scott in their eyes he was perfect son-in-law material, very successful
and a gentlemen. To me I felt trapped and suppressed I was miserable, Scott
had become more and more critical over the past few months and our sex life had
dwindled. I realized quite quickly that Scott wasn’t highly sexed, we had sex
on a Saturday but the rest of the week he was too tired or too busy with
paperwork. The crux of the matter was that he made me feel undesirable.