And to expect to get it.
Once upon a time, she had been, in fact, a lot more like Zach Coxwell that she had been lately. The cancer might have taken that boldness away from Jen, but she could have it back. She could have her life back, her hope back, her sense of optimism back.
She just had to ask for what she wanted, instead of surrendering and accepting its absence. She loved this man, loved his crazy sense of humor, loved his surety that anything was possible. Just holding his gaze from a hundred feet away, when she couldn't see the green of his eyes but could feel the heat of his anger, made her guts clench. She loved his determination to live life to the fullest, to learn from his mistakes and to start again, as many times as was necessary.
He hadn't been avoiding her. He hadn't dumped her and moved on. He'd been working hard, preparing for the very first exhibit of his photographs. She was desperately proud of him for seeking out that opportunity, then seizing it once it appeared. He wanted her to be there and she had seen in his eyes how important her presence was to him.
He'd asked for what he wanted. He'd confessed his love for her. Why didn't she have the nerve to trust him?
Jen marched back toward the red Neon, terrified of what might result from taking this chance. Zach might run. He might disappear as quickly as Steve had done.
But losing Zach would hurt more than losing Steve.
Jen's heart was pounding and she knew she was shaking, but her stride didn't falter. It had been a long since she had dared to even say what she wanted.
On the other hand, it was even more frightening to consider that she might be walking away from happiness without giving it a real chance.
Z
ach couldn't believe it when Jen turned and walked back toward the car. Roxie barked with enthusiasm, her joy at Jen's return rocking the car on its shocks.
Something was wrong, though. Zach could see it in the way Jen moved. He'd had that sense before, but now it was redoubled. She was shaking and her steps were filled with defiance, not her usual confidence. He got out of the car and waited for her, a cloud of doom gathering around his heart.
She was coming to give him bad news.
She was going to tell him that she was in love with some other guy.
She was preparing to hurt him, something that wouldn't be easy for Jen to do, but she would do the right thing and be honest with him. He admired her, even as he feared what she would say.
Jen surprised him, yet again.
She stopped in front of him and took a shaking breath. She had a card in her hand, although she didn't give it to him right away. “Look,” she said, her voice wavering. “I don't know if I can be at your show, but it's not because I don't want to be. I'm proud of you, proud that you've decided what you wanted and have gone after it. Don't think otherwise.”
Zach shoved his hands in his pockets to keep from touching her, sensing that she had drawn away from him. She looked down at the ground, then met his gaze. He was shocked to see the tears in her eyes.
She took a deep breath. “You're right, something
is
wrong. I haven't told anyone because it's too early to know for sure.” A tear escaped, trailing down her cheek and she wiped it away impatiently. “The thing is that I'm late for a needle biopsy. The mammogram I had for a routine check last week showed some abnormalities in my right breast and my oncologist wants to take a sample to be sure.”
Zach stared at her in shock. “It's back?”
Jen shook her head, loosing a number of tears. “I don't know. That's why the test is being done. It's too soon to know for sure, but the point is that everything is kind of up in the air right now.” She fumbled with the card, not showing her usual grace, then shoved it at him. He took it from her shaking fingers.
“This is the clinic.” Jen half-laughed. “I don't need the card anymore because I could walk there in my sleep.” She looked up at him and he understood that she was giving him a chance to run. He saw her vulnerability and wanted to gather her up, take her home, keep her safe. She swallowed, her throat working. “So, um, maybe I'll see you around.”
Before he could answer, she walked away again, moving quickly down the street toward the clinic. Zach looked down at the card, swore, then leapt into his car. He squealed the tires as he pulled away from the curb, and used every trick he knew to get home quickly.
“You're going to hang out solo for a while, Roxie,” he told the dog as he double-parked in front of his condo building. “But I promise that it will be worth it in the end.” He left the car running, took the dog upstairs, locked the door and ran.
He broke seventeen traffic regulations getting to that clinic, but he made it in five minutes.
* * *
Jen heard Zach's tires squeal as he drove away. She winced but didn't look back. The sound told her everything she needed to know. The man couldn't wait to put distance between himself and a defective member of the female gender.
Maybe all men were like that.
Maybe if she got through this test and everything came out clear, she'd go to his show and tell Zach what she thought of him. She didn't know whether to be livid or to sit down and cry.
They were backed up at the clinic, and it was a few minutes before the receptionist could take Jen's information. She was standing at the counter, trying to appear composed, and wondering whether her credit card would melt in the receptionist's hands, when someone came to stand behind her. She caught a whiff of soap and cold air and the smell of Zach Coxwell's skin right before his hand landed on the back of her waist.
Her heart stopped cold.
“Need a different card, honey?” he asked and the bottom fell out of her universe.
She glanced back, saw his proffered credit card, the familiar strength of his hand, then dared to look up. She trembled inside. He was still angry with her and she didn't trust his presence fully yet. “No, thanks. I think this one's fine.” She met his gaze and swallowed. “Honey,” she added.
He flashed a grin at the receptionist, all cocky confidence, and Jen's knees went weak. “Roxie isn't happy about being dumped home alone,” he said, his tone conversational. “I think she knows that you're worried. You know how sensitive she is to your moods.”
So that's where he'd gone. And why he'd driven off so quickly. Jen made a mental note not to assume that she could guess what Zach Coxwell was doing in any given situation. The man had a talent for challenging her assumptions. Her heart warmed and she smiled at him, seeing his own annoyance fade a little.
He captured her hand in his and she dared to hope.
The receptionist smiled politely and gave Jen back her card, telling her to take a seat and wait. One of the ladies waiting moved so that they could sit together and Zach thanked her graciously. He sat right beside Jen, his shoulder bumping hers. He was the only man in the waiting room, and the other women watched him openly.
“I didn't think you'd come,” Jen said quietly and earned herself a stern look.
“I had to stop by to kill you,” Zach said lightly. He claimed her hand again and gave her fingers a squeeze. She saw a flicker of anger in his eyes. “What the hell do you think you were doing, not telling anyone that you were having this test done?”
“I didn't want to worry anyone...”
Zach interrupted her before she got any further. “I don't know whether to be more pissed off that you thought I was lying about loving you, or that you thought I was like Steve.”
“But, I...”
“I mean, come on, Jen. There's not much worse you could say to me than that you think I'm like that jerk.”
“Well, I didn't. Not really.”
“But you were afraid I was.”
Jen looked down at her hands. Zach knotted his fingers with hers and leaned closer to make his point. “The point of loving someone is that you worry about them, Jen.” Zach's words were emphatic and his tone was low. She met his gaze and there wasn't a flicker of laughter in his eyes.
He was not putting her on.
“The point of loving someone is that you are there when that person needs you, and vice versa.” He shoved his other hand through his hair, which made him looked rumpled and disreputable and unpredictable. He gave her a simmering look. “Although I can't believe I have to explain to Natalie Sommerset's daughter what it means to love somebody.”
“I wanted to wait until I knew the test results for sure...”
“But the uncertainty is what's eating you alive,” Zach insisted. “That's why you can't sleep.” He brushed a fingertip across her cheek and Jen nearly melted at the tender gesture. “The uncertainty is the part you most need to share, Jen, because not being sure of what's in front of you lets your imagination go wild.”
“I'll say,” interjected an older woman on the other side of the waiting room.
“Nobody asked you to carry this burden by yourself and nobody who loves you expects you to do it,” Zach continued. His grip on her hand was crushing but Jen was glad of it. He was here, and there was no mistaking that. “I love you, Jen.” He smiled crookedly. “And that means that you're stuck with me.”
“For better or for worse?” she ventured and he laughed. It was probably the first time anyone had ever laughed in this waiting room. The other women watched with interest.
“Something like that.” He pursed his lips. “In fact, exactly like that.” He turned a sparkling glance on her. “You see, I've been thinking that this fake engagement has its limitations.”
“Does it?”
“One big one, really. A fake date and a fake engagement means a fake wedding.” He held her gaze steadily. “And I don't want a fake wedding. Not with you.”
Jen's mouth went more dry than it already was.
Zach looked down at their linked hands. “The thing is, Jen, that I had to prove myself to you. I still eat Kraft dinner and I still don't have a lot of furniture, but I know what I want to do. You helped me find that and this show, I'm hoping, is the first step on that path.” He shrugged. “Who knows whether it will work, but it's an opportunity and one that is a step in the right direction. It's one of the first things I've ever wanted.”
“Not the first thing?”
He smiled at her, his grin so warm and wicked that Jen got goose pimples. “No. That was you.”
Jen didn't know what to say.
Zach spun out of the chair. He dropped to one knee in front of her, and kept a firm grip on her hand. The other women tittered but Jen had eyes only for Zach. “I love you, Jen Maitland,” he said with such conviction that her heart squeezed tight. “I want to be with you every step of the way, I want to take pictures of you and travel with you, and just hang out with you. I want to argue with you and plan with you and build a life together. I want to be there every time you smile and I want to hold you every time you cry.” He kissed her palm, then met her gaze, his own earnest. “So, will you marry me, for real?”
“No break-up at the altar?”
“Ideally, no. It would hurt my Mom's feelings, and then I'd have to learn to brood.” His voice deepened and he was serious again. “I mean the real thing, Jen. What do you say?”
Jen smiled at him, feeling happy and excited and fearful all at the same time. “Yes,” she said. “Yes, I will.”
Before she could kiss him, he snapped his fingers. “By the way, I found something you forgot.” Zach reached into his pocket. He pulled out a wadded paper towel.
“A present from Roxie?”
“No, this is better.” Jen didn't know what to expect until he unrolled it and revealed his mother's cameo ring, nestled safely there. “It suits you,” he said, offering the ring.
Jen went to push her middle finger through it, but Zach shook his head. “It's been resized,” he said.
She pushed her ring finger through it, awed that he had such optimismâor confidenceâin her reply. The ladies in the waiting room applauded. Jen didn't care, just leaned forward and kissed Zach. He brushed off his jeans and took his seat beside her again, his arm tight around her shoulders.
“What if I'd said no?” Jen teased.
Zach grinned and held her close. “I would have rephrased the question.”
“You're confident.”
“It's a gift.”
“Jen Maitland,” the receptionist called and reality intervened all too soon.
* * *
The oncologist let Zach accompany Jen, when she claimed him as her fiancé, provided that he stayed out of the way. Zach stood back as he was bidden and watched the technician position Jen on the table. Jen breathed more quickly out of her fear, but she didn't show any other emotion. He couldn't see her right breast, where it protruded from the table, because of the technician and the doctor, but he could see Jen's face.
She looked small and pale and frail and vulnerable. He wanted her out of here. He wanted her healed. He wanted cancer to go away.
But it wasn't likely to listen to him.
Jen closed her eyes when they slid the needle into her breast. The oncologist spoke softly to her. Long moments later, the doctor stepped away and Jen opened her eyes. Her gaze flew directly to him: he winked at her and gave her a thumbs-up, which made her smile thinly.
Never mind decking Steve, he'd like to deck whoever was in charge of distributing cancer among the human population.
Dr. Levittson put a hand on Jen's bare shoulder. “It will take a couple of days to hear back from the lab. Don't panic if I don't call you before Monday. Remember: I'm being cautious and proactive here.”
“Maybe you should have my cell number,” Zach said. Jen looked surprised but he just smiled at her. “Jen doesn't know yet, but I'm kidnapping her for the weekend.”
“But I have a class tomorrow,” Jen argued.