All That Remains (11 page)

She closes her eyes, feeling ten kinds of horrible for not being able to give him an answer.

“I know. I’ll figure it out, I promise,” she offers and closes her eyes, praying she’ll be able to make good on that promise.

Fourteen

West

Sometimes the best way to get over hurt is to lose yourself in something that hurts more. West isn’t sure where he ever heard that, but after the six a.m. call he’d made to Austin three days ago he’s been following that faulty logic. His brain is cluttered with every last piece of information he can absorb between Psych 101, a lit class, and a highly ambitious playbook for his game against the Bearcats on Saturday. His body feels abused to no end due to team practices, his solo weight training, and all of the long runs he’s been taking. If he’s not sleeping, he’s moving or studying. This is his brilliant idea for getting Jules’ sexy morning voice out of his head when he’d expected to catch his brother.

It was stupid, beyond stupid, to call Austin at six in the morning on the day after a game. Especially a late night one where he knew Austin was coming back from the West Coast by bus. He couldn’t help it, though. After seeing Jules at the vigil and exchanging a few pleasant words, he was pumped up. Adrenaline pushed him to call her the moment his eyes flew open. He’d barely slept at all that night, thinking of all the things he wanted to say to her, but first he wanted to speak with his brother. He needed to know what was going on with them.

Carson and Mindy swear it has to be friendship. Jeff pleads the fifth, as he always does when it comes to Jules. ‘Hoes before bros’ is apparently alive and kicking, much to his displeasure. Austin has avoided him since their fight two weeks ago, so he picked up the phone to call, knowing he would wake his brother up, and honestly not caring. When the voice answered, it took him by surprise. He didn’t place it as Jules until he heard her little yelp. He knew that yell immediately. It was the surprised shout that she made when he’d startle her. The moment he heard it, anger rushed through him. Pure, hot, murderous anger. He’d hung up the phone and admittedly punched the pillows on his bed more than a few times before he allowed himself a bout of angry tears. He’s cried four times in the past five years - his mother’s death and funeral, the night of the tornado in the hospital with Jules, and the night of the wreck in December when he thought she wouldn’t make it. And Sunday morning, the moment when any thought of getting her back went out the window with the idea that she’d slept with his brother.

Damn her!
he shouts in his head as he tightens his shoelace and slips on his headphones, readying himself for another run to cool his emotions. Pressing play on his iPod, heavy guitar riffs assault him, and the noise temporarily drowns out his thoughts of Austin and Jules.

With nothing else to occupy his mind, he will concentrate on the game, on school, and on getting over her. He is done. Whatever they want to do with each other will be their business. His therapists had been right. Dr. Steel had told him he needed to concentrate on himself before trying to work on his love life. That’s what he will do now.

As he runs, he plans out the next few weeks. He can get by without seeing Austin for another three weeks before he has a free weekend and his dad will expect him to support A&M and attend a game. Three weeks to come to grips with his new reality. Three weeks before he might have to see them together, if they’re even together.

The thought of finding some girl to take the edge off crosses his mind, but he quickly discards it. He has no interest in meaningless sex anymore. Not yet anyway. ‘Give it time,’ Dani suggested when he talked to her. She’d listened to him cry into the line and pour his heart out and she’d offered him the only advice she could.
Time.

Fifteen

Jules

Jules finds herself too busy over the course of the next few days to worry about the ramifications of her night with Austin. With her full load of classes, clubs to look into, and Katie and Jess dragging her to rush week - even though she still isn’t sure if she wants to rush - she keeps herself busy. Delaying the inevitable decision she needs to make. She meets Austin a few times, always with friends for meals or coffee. They talk and cut up, like they did back in July when they first bumped into each other, and Jules carries the hope that perhaps the awkwardness is gone between them. Then, each time the thought enters her mind, she notices the way Austin’s eyes follow her around. He doesn’t ask about her feelings at all, though; and as much as she misses the comfort of being closer to him, she stays back. Maintaining a friendly distance until she can figure out what she wants or, more accurately, how to tell him what she wants. Game day Saturday, two weeks after the call with West, things work themselves out on their own.

* * *

“I can’t believe I let y’all talk me into going to a game,” Cassie groans as she and Jules make a coffee run on campus before meeting up with friends to tailgate.

They weave around groups of students and visitors as they make their way across campus. The pre-game excitement is in effect and Jules laughs as Cassie frowns at the rabid fans in their school gear, cheering and partying all before ten a.m.

“It’s all part of the college experience.” Jules teases looking around at the chaos.

“So are mono and the freshman fifteen, but we’re not running out to sign up for that now, are we?”

“Ha, ha. Besides, it’s time to get your hottie self out of the library and into the mix.”

“Jules, you know I’m not looking for a guy,” Cassie needlessly reminds Jules.

They pass a group of shirtless guys playing a game of touch football in the courtyard and Jules nudges Cassie’s shoulder, nodding their way.

“I know, I know. If any of the mega hot, ripped frat boys bother you, just tell them you have a boyfriend at home. No pressure.”

“Mega hot and ripped, huh?”

“Girl, this is Texas. You know we breed them nice and strong.” She winks and Cassie almost trips over her own feet as she laughs.

They reach the coffee shop and Jules opens the door and runs directly into Mindy, who is leaving, a tall frappuccino in hand.

“Jules!” Mindy’s voice is overly loud as she steps back. “Hi. Um… you look good. How are you? All healed and back to one hundred percent?” She trips over her words awkwardly and while Jules had liked Carson’s fiancé when they met last fall, this is just uncomfortable.

“Hey, um… yeah, I’m better. Thank you,” she offers, standing half in and out of the coffee shop as Mindy blocks her entrance. “Oh, this is Cassie, my roommate. Cassie, Mindy.”

The girls smile at each other timidly, but Mindy looks uneasy and fidgets with the sunglasses on her head.

“I’m sorry I didn’t come and see you at the hospital, I wanted to… but after the fight your dad had with West, we all figured we should stay away.”

“Don’t be silly, you didn’t owe me a visit-” Jules replies. She starts to tell her she holds no ill feelings for them not coming to see her. She’d spent one weekend at their house; they didn’t know her all that well. “Wait. What fight with West?” she asks as Mindy’s words register in her mind.

“Excuse me,” a student behind them grumbles and Mindy steps back and to the side to allow Jules and Cassie to enter and let the person by. Once in, Jules levels her gaze on Mindy, waiting for an explanation.

“Right,” she answers slowly. “You still don’t know everything, do you?”

“If there was some kind of fight with my dad and West at the hospital, then no. Apparently, I don’t know everything.”

Mindy’s face scrunches as she eyes Jules thoughtfully.

“Ummm, why don’t I grab our drinks,” Cassie offers, stepping away.

“Look, I have no right to ask you this… but what’s going on with you and Austin?” Mindy asks when Cassie leaves them alone.

The change of subject irritates Jules more than it should and she replies back with a bit of a bite in her tone, “You’re right, you don’t have the right to ask me that.”

“Fair enough,” she replies with a curt nod. Stepping around Jules, her hand grasps the door to the shop and she adds, “Do yourself a favor and get all of the facts before you all get hurt, again.”

She walks through the door and turns at the last minute, pushing the door back wide. “Jules, please don’t pit those two against each other. They’re brothers to me and I love them.” Jules stands there, Mindy’s plea like a spoon digging into her fragile heart and scooping away pieces. “I know you care for them, too, and for what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re okay. We were worried about you.”

Jules stands at the window of the shop and watches Mindy walk away. The moment leaves her both confused and resolute in what she needs to do.

“You okay?” A tall mocha is waved in front of her face and Jules looks at Cassie. “Wanna talk about it?”

“You just gave me coffee. I think I’ll be okay.”

They push through the crowd without another word. The scene never leaves Jules’ head as she tries to smile and make small talk with the other students grilling outside and drinking before the game. Cassie throws worried glances her way now and then, but Jules smiles and nods, trying to prove she’s fine.

* * *

A few hours later, she’s passing boxes of Chinese back and forth with Austin in his room after a rainy victory against an out of conference rival. She’s bundled in his over-sized sweatpants and huge sweatshirt to ward off the permanent chill in her bones from the elements and her own wet clothing. The steady rain that moved into the area during the second half of the game is still going strong outside; the wind drives the water into his window as they eat. They originally had plans to hang with their friends, but after her run-in with Mindy, Jules asked Austin if they could be alone. They’ve been eating in silence for twenty minutes with a random assortment of Austin’s music playing in the background as they stare at their chopsticks and out the window at the mess outside. The early evening sky is darker than it should be with the weather, and the room is dimly lit by only a string of beer can Christmas lights above his bed and the bedside table lamp.

“I ran into Mindy this morning,” she remarks nonchalantly as she picks out a chunk of chicken from the chicken fried rice.

“Yeah?”

“She had some interesting things to say,” Jules hints, and Austin smiles. She reaches for the box of broccoli chicken at the same time as he does and their hands fight for the container. “You haven’t talked to West about us, have you? Or Carson either?”

He gives up the broccoli and leans back crossing his arms over his chest.

“Well?”

“Well what?” he asks innocently and she tips her head. “No, okay? No, I haven’t talked to them. I’ve been busy and I was waiting for something to tell them.”

“So, he still thinks we spent the night together.”

“We did spend the night together,” he points out and she thrusts the broccoli chicken at him in anger.

“Not what I meant and you know it.”

“What else did she say?” he asks as he takes the food from her and sets it on the bedside table. He moves the plate of eggrolls and box with spicy chicken, as well, until there is nothing left between them. Jules wipes her hands on her napkin and stretches her legs over the edge of the bed.

“That’s the interesting part, actually. She said that my dad and West had some fight. That that’s why she and Carson didn’t come see me.”

She watches his face closely; the small flinch he makes at her words proves something had indeed happened at the hospital between her parents and West. Something she knows nothing about.

“Come here,” he says, scooting forward towards her and cocking his finger at her.

“Why?” she asks as she does what he requests.

“Kiss me.”

“What!” Jules jerks back incredulously.

“You heard me. Kiss me. Let’s figure this out.”

“Let’s figure this out? Do you hear yourself? If that’s how we are approaching this, then I think we’ve already figured it out, Austin.”

A long sigh falls from his mouth as he collapses back onto his pillow. “Damn it,” he grumbles and cover his face with his hands.

She can’t help but smile a sad smile at his frustration because she feels it, too. She curls up next to him, careful not to touch him, as she props her head up and looks at him.

“I met this girl.”

That was the last thing she expected to hear. “You what?”

“There’s this girl… I don’t even know her name, but she’s different and she seems to hate me which is-”

“A first for you.” Jules laughs lightly when he doesn’t seem to know what else to say. No wonder he’s been distant this week.

“Different, frustrating,” he concedes, dropping his hands and rolling to his side. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not hurting me. Oh, Austin, this is our problem. We’ve both danced around the truth for two months now because we’re too damn scared to admit our feelings.”

He nods.

“You and I sounded nice to me. It sounded safe. I’m sorry I led you on like that.”

“C’mon, Jules, don’t blame yourself. I knew better. We both know nothing was going to work between us, even if we had tried. Neither one of us could hurt West that way.”

Jules tries to shake off his mention of West, but Austin’s hand touches her chin. “Don’t pretend like he doesn’t care. You know he did… he does. Stop acting like what you two had isn’t something worth fighting for.”

Her eyes blur as tears invade them. “Then why hasn’t he tried to fight?”

“He has.” She starts to argue and he stops her. “He followed us to that party where you told him to go away. Then he spoke to you at the vigil. He asked to call you, didn’t he?”

“Yeah, but.”

“But nothing, I’ve told you all this time you needed to let him tell you what happened. Do you think you’re the only one who is scared? What he did wasn’t easy either, you know.” Austin sits up. It is the first time she’s seen him defend his brother to her so forcibly and she wonders where this has been all this time.