All That the Heart Desires (38 page)

I became as imperturbable as a stone wall, almost paralysed. The sound of my coffee cup on the saucer gave away the fact that I was actually alive, my hands started to shake. I’d left that part of my life behind me. I’d said my goodbyes. Why on earth did he want to open those wounds?

“Hear me out, and my reasons why we belong together.” Speechless, as I had been so many times since we’d first met, I listened to his list:

“I love you. You’ve told me you have a child, and I still love you. You’ve run away from me several times, but I still love you. You said you will let me down, but I can tell you that can’t happen, because I love you. Last but not least: lately I can’t drive properly because … I’m thinking constantly about how much I love you.”

I jumped out of my chair and almost spilled my coffee. I quickly put the cup on the terrace wall.

“Just stop! You were almost killed because I was there and you wanted to talk to me! I’m the one to blame.”

Before he could say anything, I ran from the terrace and headed to the maze. Oh, how I wanted to get lost in it. But instead of the maze, I chose the big willow tree with its branches touching the ground; a perfect hiding place.

How much time had passed, I was not sure. I finally realised what had been bugging me all this time since the crash, at last I confessed it to myself. If I hadn’t been there, everything would have been all right and Lorcan wouldn’t have crashed his car and broken his leg.

I heard steps coming across the grass. As I was sure it wasn’t Lorcan, I didn’t turn around. But then I heard his voice.

“You blame yourself for my accident? Christ, Desiree, why?”

I stood up and looked at him. He had crutches in his hands and had come all the way to me, though he had been told to rest. I managed to wipe the tears off my face and turned to him.

“If I hadn’t been there.” I sobbed.

“I wanted you there. I needed you there. Don’t you understand? I love you. That hasn’t changed.”

“But my past.” I started again.

“It’s your past. I’m your present. And if you will allow me, I’m your future. I will help you search for your son.”

All I was able to do was stare at him. I tried to read him but there were really no hidden thoughts in his eyes. No secrets. No ulterior motives. He was genuine. He opened his hands in a gesture that promised me a hug, a hug I needed badly.

Slowly, I came closer and he tightened his embrace around me. It was all I needed. When I felt his lips on my forehead, then all over my face, searching his way down to my lips, my body responded wildly. I could barely contain myself.

Both short of breath, we finally managed to steady ourselves. I sensed he’d overdone things, so I helped him back to the mansion.

Lorcan and I spent the whole day together. He explained to me what kind of scenario he and Crest orchestrated to get me back to him. Although the contract was real, my part of being the ‘delivery boy’ was just an act. Harry knew that and had agreed to it. He thought it was the best distraction for me.

What they hadn’t expected was that I would take some things into my own hands and do them my way. Harry had been very upset when he’d learned I didn’t board the jet and, when he couldn’t get me on the phone, he was convinced something must have happened to me.

He’d checked all the hospitals and police stations in Paris to get information about me. That was when he decided to go to Milano and wait for me there. He’d been a nervous wreck until I’d checked into the hotel. As soon as I’d left the lobby, the receptionist had called him and let them know I’d arrived.

I didn’t know what to think. All that Lorcan told me made sense. I was Harry’s only relative and he was mine. I knew I would go insane if anything happened to him; that was how much I loved him. It was the same for Harry. I had just forgotten about that simple fact.

“As for Molly.” I shook my head.

“What you did wasn’t fair.”

“I know, but it was the only way. You hated those ‘paddock bimbos’ so much, we needed to show you how snobbish you can be.”

My eyes widened.

“What?” I said and I heard my voice rise. Lorcan started to smile and pulled me back to him. We were sitting on the couch.

“You know I’m right. You judged those girls without really knowing them.”

He grinned. I sighed and leaned on his arm. He was right. I did judge them,, but their appearance and the way they behaved when the cameras were on them gave me some insight.

“Molly agreed to act like one of them, although to be truthful, she hates deceiving people.”

I smiled. She told me that herself that Saturday evening in my room. She didn’t leave before she’d told me everything, who she was and why she did what she had done. At first, of course, I didn’t believe her, but after showing me her identification documents I was convinced. From that moment on, we were drinking and talking.

“As for the accident,” Lorcan started. I stopped breathing again. “It was not your fault. Something went wrong with the car and the sensors didn’t send the correct data to the team.

If I need to, I will spend my life, till the day I die, trying to make you recognise the truth. Was that the reason why you were staying with me at night in the hospital, avoiding me during the day?”

Slowly I nodded.

“You can be such a ‘bimbo’ sometimes, you know that?” Before I could disagree, I felt a kiss on my head.

“But I love you.”

After dinner Tom helped Lorcan back to the first floor. I followed them. Walking was slow as Lorcan was very tired.

“If you need me …?”

“I won’t. Desiree will stay with me.”

“No I won’t,” I replied. Both men looked at me. Diplomatically, Tom left.

When Tom’s footsteps faded away, we were still looking at each other.

“I will not stay here!” I broke the silence.

“And just why not? You’d rather wake up every two hours and check on me?”

All I could do was glare at him. He knew I’d been watching over him.

“The bed is.” I raised my hand and silenced him.

“If I stay here I won’t sleep in your bed. I will sleep on the sofa.”

He sat down on the bed, tired.

“Why not?”

“You need your rest. That’s why!” He nodded finally.

“All I want is for you to be with me. If you want to sleep on the sofa, so be it. Although I would rather you sleep on a proper bed.”

Before he’d finished, I was gone. I took my pillows and blankets from my room and returned to his. He was still waiting.

“Will you help me?” he asked, when I put them down on the sofa. I turned around.

“What?”

“I need to shower.”

Helping him shower was a strange experience. He waited for me to join him in the shower, all wet but his left leg. With a quiet sigh I took a sponge from the shelf and wiped his masculine, strong body. We were both aroused. It was impossible not to be, but I managed to hide it.

As soon as he was out of the shower and I’d helped him to dress, I ran to my room. I needed a shower myself. A cold one! However, I decided instead to sit on the balcony, smoking that long forgotten box of cigarettes I had bought during my first visit to the Crest estate, looking at the stars.

I returned half an hour later; Lorcan was lying on the sofa, where I’d put my bedding. I watched him and took the blankets from him and headed to the door without saying a word. I knew that verbal threats would not do, so I made to leave. Seeing me leaving, he gritted his teeth and stood up.

“You are so stubborn, you know?”

“I know,” I answered and when he moved to the bed, I made mine on the sofa.

“No good night kiss then?” I knew it was a bad idea, but I needed it too. As much as I tried to stay away from his hands, he managed to pull me on top of him and kissed me so deeply and with such a passion that I almost forgot everything I said I would not do. But somehow something in the back of my mind reminded me: he needed his rest. I pulled myself slowly from him and went breathlessly to the sofa.

Sleeping was not quite an option, but finally when I heard his slow, steady breathing, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

I woke up the following morning with cramp in my back. Lorcan was right. Although the sofa was comfortable to sit on, it was not comfortable enough to sleep on.

He was already awake and he saw me getting up from the sofa less than gracefully, with a grimace on my face! I saw he wanted to say something, but from the look on my face he realised it was better not to say anything, for the time being.

“Good morning, my love.” I nodded; I was never very talkative in the morning and, living for three years more or less on my own, I’d actually forgotten about morning manners.

Only after I managed to adjust my spine did I mumble a greeting in return.

“Good morning.”

Lorcan began to laugh. I looked at him in surprise: he was being incredibly cheerful. Seeing him looking gorgeous first thing in the morning, just as if he had fallen out of a fashion magazine, I envied him. I knew I was a mess. My hair was knotted and I was dishevelled. I was not a pretty sight.

“Come here,” he said.

I looked at him.

“Why?” I asked.

His smile was wide.

“I can’t get up on my own and Tom won’t come while you’re here”

The explanation was reasonable enough, so I went to his bed.

“Can you put my leg down?” Very carefully I did as I was asked.

“Sit down.”

Again, I did what he told me to and was ready to take some of his weight on my shoulders. He lifted his arm, but instead of putting it over my shoulders, he started to massage my painful spine. It felt so good I actually forgot why I’d come to his bed.

Slowly, his hand progressed down, carefully not to miss any part of my spine. I felt like butter, melting under his fingers. His hot lips on my neck woke me up. This was not what I had been asked to do.

I jumped up from the bed.

“What are you doing?” I asked. As he was not prepared for my sudden move, he fell back onto the pillow. He was laughing out loud. His black hair fell down over his forehead and he was trying to get it out of his eyes, which were sparkling with mesmerising silver.

“I thought you knew that’s why I’d called you over,” he chuckled. I blushed.

“I was giving you a friendly massage.”

“If that was a friendly massage, I wonder what kind of massages you give otherwise.”

He tried not to laugh but couldn’t help himself. I was still standing two steps away from him.

“Will you get up?” I asked him seriously. He was still laughing and hiding his face in the pillow. I waited for several minutes and then went to the door.

“I’ll call Tom. He’ll help you.”

Before he could protest, I opened the door and jumped at Tom’s sudden appearance. He was standing with his hand in the air.

“Christ, don’t do that!” Lorcan was laughing again. I looked at him and then back to Tom and, seeing his stoic expression, I couldn’t resist smiling.

“I’m sorry Tom. I didn’t mean to,” I apologised.

He nodded.

“It’s alright.”

“No, it’s not. It wasn’t nice of me. Will you help him get up?”

I stepped aside to allow him to enter the room.

“Of course. I would just like to inform you that Master Daniel is home.”

We both looked at him with genuine surprise on our faces. It was the weekend of the Singapore Grand Prix and it was impossible for Crest to come home. I knew Lorcan was in constant contact with him, but coming from that far away, back to England, it just wasn’t wise.

“What the hell is he doing here?” Lorcan gritted his teeth. “It’s the qualifying tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t explain correctly. Little Master Daniel is home from school for the weekend.” We were both silent and I must have become pale. I hadn’t seen the boys after that first encounter in the garden.

“Desiree, are you alright?” said Lorcan. I looked from him to Tom and nodded.

“Can I help you?” Tom offered. I shook my head.