I made myself meet her eyes. “What do you feel?”
Amy shook her head. “I don’t know. I don’t…I don’t even know. And it scares the hell out of me.” She closed some more of the distance between us. “But it doesn’t scare me the way being with Sam scared me. It’s more like…” She paused, furrowing her brow as if she wasn’t quite sure how to articulate her thoughts. “It’s more like when I got on Blue that first time. I knew it was entirely possible I’d fall, and I could get hurt, but there was this chance of staying on, and if I stayed on…” She paused again, swallowing hard. “There was a chance of falling and breaking my neck, but if I didn’t get on, I’d miss the ride of a lifetime.”
My heart beat faster. God, she had no idea what she was doing to me.
“And what about
me
falling and breaking
my
neck?” I asked. “If you’re looking for a thrill, I—”
“I’m not,” she said. “I’m not here looking for a thrill.”
Jesus, Amy, you’re killing me…
“But what about Sam?” I asked. She winced, and I gently added, “You know as well as I do it’s going to take some time to grieve him.”
“Yes, it will.” She took a deep breath. “And I didn’t think I’d want to move on so quickly, but Dustin…you…”
I put up a hand. “I can’t be a rebound. Not like this. Not when you’re still grieving for your husband, even if the relationship with him wasn’t a good one. And I… can’t…” I shifted my gaze away from her. “Not if I might get more attached to you than you’re capable of getting to me.”
“Who says I’m not capable of getting attached?” she said. “Do you think I came out here on a whim?”
“You came out here on a whim the first time,” I said.
“Okay, yes,” she said. “When I first came here, yeah, it was on impulse. And maybe it wasn’t a wise decision, but I don’t regret it.” She took a half step closer to me. “The only thing I do regret is leaving here.”
It was just as well I couldn’t come up with the words to reply because I couldn’t find any air anyway.
Amy looked me in the eye. “You asked me once if that first night together would have happened with any other man besides you, or if it was just us.”
I cleared my throat to get the air moving. “Right…”
“And that night,” she said, so softly I could barely hear her. “That night, yes, it probably could have happened with anyone.”
I flinched but didn’t speak.
“That night,” she said, avoiding my eyes, “maybe I would have latched on to any man who didn’t make me feel like the scum of the earth. I needed something, and…” She shook her head and waved a hand. “But I did not come this far today to stand here and tell you there’s nothing between us that wouldn’t have happened with anyone else. Dustin…” She looked me in the eye. “Dustin, I love you.”
My heart dropped. “Amy…”
“I never felt this way about him,” she said, her voice shaking. “I’ve never felt this way for anyone. And after years of not feeling anything, I can’t even begin to tell you how terrifying it is to feel this strongly at all, especially about someone who has every reason not to feel the same way.”
“I never said I didn’t feel the same way,” I whispered.
Amy swallowed hard. “Do you?”
I met her eyes. She was tense. Still, but tense. Like she wasn’t shaking yet, but she was close to it. I couldn’t remember ever seeing her look so terrified. I’d seen her broken, I’d seen her elated, I’d seen her hurt beyond words, but scared? Never.
“If you want me to go, I will.” She gestured at the truck parked beside mine. “I can leave, and you won’t have to see me again.” She took a deep, ragged breath. “Just tell me what you want me to do.”
“I want you to stay,” I said. “I fell hard for you, and I want you to stay.” I made myself look her in the eye. “But I can’t let you.”
Amy blinked. “I don’t understand.”
“Look,” I said. “I’m like goddamned flypaper for women who’ve been hurt. I won’t turn my back on someone who’s been hurt any more than I’d abandon a mistreated animal.” I swallowed the ache trying to rise in my throat. “And every time—
every
time, Amy—as soon as she’s…” I paused, my gaze drifting toward my parents’ house. “Like my mom had to remind me every time I took in a bird with a broken wing: as soon as the wing healed, the bird would fly away.”
“Dustin, I don’t want to fly away,” she said. “I already did. You’re the only man who’s ever let me. And it took flying away for me to realize how much I wanted to come back.” Her voice cracked a little as she added, “To you.”
I didn’t speak. Neither did she.
After a moment, Amy took a step toward me.
I swallowed. I wanted her so bad, and my God, I loved her more than I could tell her, but could we…should we…
She took one more small step, then stopped. She was within arm’s reach now, so close and still so far. But she didn’t move, and her eyes pleaded with me to cross that last expanse of space.
I’ve come this far,
they said.
I can’t go all the way.
Holding my breath, I took a step and reached across the gap. I put my hand on her waist, curling my fingers just enough to draw her to me. My other hand went to her face, then into her hair, and we moved in slow motion, inching toward each other, closing the minute distance between us, between her mouth and mine.
Our lips were almost touching when I whispered, “I missed you.”
Amy wrapped her arms around my waist. “I missed you too.”
I wanted to kiss her, but I hesitated. Arms around her, body against hers, so close I only had to inhale and her lips would be against mine, but still I hesitated.
Is this really settled
?
The warmth of her body made me shiver.
Is there still something that needs to be said
?
Her lips almost touched mine.
Air that needs to be cleared
?
I let my lower lip brush across hers, and the only air that mattered mingled between our mouths.
I need you. Now
.
I kissed her, and cool relief combined with warm arousal, rippling up and down my spine as I met her tongue with my own. We sank against each other, into each other, holding each other closer as long, slow breaths became short, sharp gasps. Tender, languid kisses were soon anything but.
“Maybe we should go inside,” she murmured.
“Maybe we should.”
Somehow, we pulled ourselves apart, and without a word or even a look, we hurried up the steps to the duplex we’d once shared. Of course the door had locked behind me, and thank God my keys were in my pocket. I fumbled with them, my hands shaking and my heart pounding like Amy might vanish into thin air if I didn’t get this door open fast enough.
The key went in. The lock gave. The door opened.
I got my key out and the door shut, and the instant we were cut off from the outside world, Amy was in my arms again, and in seconds, what began as an embrace became hands sliding under clothing. The need to touch trumped the need to talk, and with every article of clothing that hit the floor in the short hallway leading to my bedroom, I fell apart a little more.
With every step, we held each other closer, each kiss deeper and more intense than the last. Every time her hair slipped between my fingers, I was vaguely aware of my own desire to grab it. Grab it, pull it, make her gasp, make her
mine
. But each stroke was as gentle as the last, and each time my hand started at the top again, her kiss faltered, and she shivered.
We sank onto my bed, and soon the only fabric touching our skin was the comforter that would be tangled and disheveled before too long. Hands slid over bare skin, bare skin pressed against more bare skin. I couldn’t decide between kissing her mouth and tasting every inch of her neck, but when I settled on the former, she grabbed my hair in both hands and wouldn’t let me even think of breaking away.
Then she released me, and as soon as our mouths separated, she whispered, “Tell me you still have condoms.”
“Of course I do.” I dipped my head, and oh God, I loved the taste and smell of her skin. She tilted her head, squirming beneath me as I kissed my way up and down her neck.
“Dustin…condom…” Her hip brushed my very erect cock, and I pushed myself up.
“Don’t move.” I kissed her lightly before reaching for the bedside table.
It only took a few seconds to get a condom out and on, but the entire time, my skin tingled with the absence of hers against me. If it had taken a moment longer, I probably would have burst into flames. Judging by the way Amy wriggled and whimpered impatiently, she wouldn’t have been far behind.
But finally, the damned thing was on, and I returned to where she waited for me. Amy wrapped her legs around my waist, and I sank down to her, losing myself in a long kiss even as I guided myself to her. When I teased her pussy—Oh Jesus, she was so, so wet—with my cock, she broke the kiss and moaned.
“Fuck me, Dustin, please.”
I slid just the head of my cock into her, then pulled out. And again. A little deeper this time. Each time, a little more, but only a little. She whimpered with frustration, biting her lip and closing her eyes.
It took every last bit of self-control I had to move this slowly. I desperately wanted to be deep inside her, slamming into her hard and fast, but I gritted my teeth and forced myself to go slowly because I knew it drove her insane.
Screwing her eyes shut, she arched her back and tightened her legs around my waist. “Dustin, please…”
I found her lips with mine, and as she parted her lips for my tongue, I took her with a long, deep stroke. Slowly, fluidly, we moved together, everything from our mouths to the way her hips rolled in time with mine. Need drove us on, drove us faster, but we stayed in smooth, perfect synch with each other even as the bed creaked and shook beneath us, even as we went from gentle and slow to so fast and feverish I was sure we’d shake the walls down around us.
Amy’s lips separated from mine with a gasp, and her fingers dug into my shoulders as she whispered, “Oh God…”
I closed my eyes, letting my head fall beside hers, and forced myself into her faster and harder as she whimpered and trembled and raked her nails down my back.
Then, beneath me, holding on to me, Amy shattered, and half a heartbeat later, so did I.
I kept thrusting through my orgasm until it was too intense and I couldn’t take any more, until I couldn’t even breathe. Only then did we both shudder, exhale and stop.
I got up just long enough to get rid of the condom and then collapsed in bed beside Amy. She rested her head on my shoulder, and neither of us moved even long after the dust had settled. I absently played with her hair, alternately running my hands through it and wrapping it around my fingers.
How much time passed, I couldn’t say, but eventually she broke the silence.
“I meant everything I said,” she whispered. “About why I came back.”
I kissed the top of her head. “I know.” I put my hand on hers, and our fingers laced together. As I ran my thumb back and forth along the side of hers, I said, “But we both know you can’t stay.”
“I can’t stay away either.”
I shifted onto my side and propped myself up on my elbow. “Amy, there’s so much standing in the way of something like this working. We both have farms with a mountain range between them. And…” I hesitated, then reached up to touch her face as I said, “And we both know you still have to deal with Sam’s death.”
“No one ever said this would be easy.”
“But is it possible?”
She ran the backs of her fingers down my cheek. “If we’re willing to work at it, yes.”
I lowered my gaze, watching my hand trace the curves of her neck and shoulder, but I wasn’t sure what to say.
“Dustin, listen,” she whispered. “I’ve spent most of my adult life thinking ‘this isn’t how it should be’. My marriage, my career, everything just felt…wrong. And even when I took off after Sam died, it didn’t feel like the right thing to do.” She lifted her chin and met my eyes. “When things started between you and me, it was the most…” Her eyes lost focus for a moment. “It was the most surreal thing, because it was like something in my head just said, ‘Yes! This is what I’ve been looking for.’” She paused, running her fingers down the center of my chest. “And coming back to you, I didn’t even stop to think if it was right or wrong, because it was the
only
thing to do.”
“But what about what comes after this?” I asked. “As much as we both want it, it’s not that simple.”
“Simple? No.” She closed her fingers around mine on the side of her face. “Worth it? Yes.”
I turned and kissed her palm but kept my eyes on her. “Except we still live hundreds of miles apart.”
Amy sighed, running her hand through my hair. “That’s where things get a little complicated.” She swept her tongue across her lips. “How would you feel about doing this long-distance for a little while?”
“Define ‘a little while’.”
She shrugged. “As long as it takes for us to decide if we want to keep doing this. We each have commitments on opposite sides of the mountains, and who knows where this could go?”
“Good point,” I said, reaching up to run the backs of my fingers down the side of her face.