All the Wrong Reasons (27 page)

I’ve had to make some tough choices and while I don’t necessarily like them – it was something I had to do.

I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you because that was never my intention. You are a wonderful person and deserve better than that. And I’m sorry I have to do this this way but I don’t really have much of a choice. Besides, if I did this face-to-face, I’d probably weaken and beg you to take me in your arms. But I can’t be with you, as much as it pains me, and I think you should move on.

Thank you for all that you are and all that you’ve done for me. You’ll always be special in my heart.

Love,

Irelyn

P.S. I hope you like the story.

I shoved the letter in an envelope along with the story he’d asked me to write. At least on paper, I was his.

I sealed the envelope, scrawled his name on it, and crawled back into bed.

Friday night, I handed the envelope to Bailey and she took it, sympathy in her eyes. Once they left, I curled up on my bed and emptied the well of tears in the pit of my heart.

Chapter 19

My two week deadline came and went but I ignored it. I didn’t even go see Grandfather. I just didn’t care. I’d ended it with Lucas – and Dustin - and Tommy’s future was safe. What was left to say?

Oh, I knew he would want to discuss my relationship with Dustin but there was no reason. I wouldn’t marry Dustin nor would I marry anyone else. I would never date again so he wouldn’t have to worry. If I couldn’t have Lucas then I wanted no one.

Bailey had delivered my note the previous weekend – she mentioned it to me in passing like we were discussing sports scores- and I’d just nodded. I hadn’t asked anything about it and she hadn’t offered any information. I knew I was pushing her and Morgan away but I couldn’t help it. I dived headfirst into despair and I didn’t even reach for a life preserver.

I still avoided the country club and Dustin. It was wrong to not talk to him but I didn’t have the strength. I couldn’t look in his eyes without thinking about Lucas. And it made me feel even worse.

My grandfather called me Friday night after Bailey and Morgan left for Rusty’s. I reluctantly took his call. It had been nearly three weeks since our talk and I figured he wanted to gloat.

“Irelyn, I am disappointed that you haven’t come to see me,” he said. I didn’t utter a word. “But I am very proud that you have managed to stay away from that other boy. I take it you’ve made your decision?”

“Yes,” I said in a strangled voice. “I wrote him a letter and told him that I couldn’t see him anymore.”

“Good,” he said sounding smug. “And Dustin?”

“I, um, ended things with him, too.”

“He seems to think that you two are only taking a little time away from each other and that you may reconcile soon,” he said, a hopeful note in his voice.

I cringed, knowing that I didn’t want to see Dustin – or anyone else for that matter. But I wasn’t ready to tell my grandfather that. “I don’t know.”

“Well, give yourself a little more time then maybe you and Dustin can make amends.” He cleared his throat – a sign that he was uncomfortable. “I’m, um, willing to, um, pay for a vacation for you two for spring break. I may be old but I know what you have been up to with him.”

My jaw fell in shock – and horror. I shouldn’t have been astonished – he already knew about me and Lucas. But for him to pay to send me and Dustin on some sort of romantic getaway – ew.

“Thank you but I don’t know if that will be necessary. I just need a little time to figure out where Dustin fits in my life.”

“Spoken like a mature young lady,” he gloated. My stomach turned.

“Thank you,” I muttered.

“Well, just let me know. We don’t have to tell your mother about the trip – I’ll come up with something.”

“Sure,” I said, all of a sudden feeling dirty. So, it was okay for me to go have sex with Dustin somewhere but not okay for me to have sex with Lucas? I wanted to get a hold of Grandfather’s morals book.

“Will you be at the club Saturday?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I said. I still wasn’t ready. “Maybe.”

“Fine. Take care, Irelyn and relax – you’ve made the right decision.”

I hung up on him, not caring if he considered it rude. I threw my phone across the room, smiling when it bounced off the wall. I hoped it broke.

***

I didn’t go to the club Saturday night. I didn’t even go home. I told my mother I needed to work on some assignments and I was staying on campus. It was just an effort to further alienate myself from those that I loved but why not? My life was hell anyway.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Lucas. I wondered what he was doing and if he’d decided to see anyone else. Had he found a replacement for me? Oh, I prayed it wasn’t Amber.

Bailey and Morgan, who’d pretty much left me to my own devices lately, cornered me Saturday night. I was not expecting it so I was not prepared for their attack.

“Here,” Bailey said, shoving a blue dress at me. “Go get dressed.”

“For what?” I said as I fingered the thin material. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Yes you are,” Morgan said, her soft voice unwavering. “You’re going with us tonight so no arguments.”

“Where am I going?” I asked, perplexed. A little excitement stirred inside my dead heart. It had been awhile since I’d done anything.

“We’re going to a birthday party,” Bailey said, a shine in her eyes. “I promise, no marriage proposals.”

Her words stabbed my heart but I ignored it. She was only trying to rile me up so I would go with her. “Yeah, fine. Who’s party?”

“Spencer’s,” Bailey grinned. “It’s his birthday.”

My head began shaking back and forth. “No. Oh, no.”

“Come on, Irelyn,” Morgan pleaded. “He wants you there.”

“Will Lucas be there?” I asked.

“Of course,” Bailey said. “And he told us that he wouldn’t even talk to you if it made you uncomfortable.”

A tremor began at my toes and shimmied its way up my body. “I’ll be uncomfortable in the same room with him.”

“You can’t sit in this room forever,” Bailey said. “You need to start living again.”

I wanted to tell her that I preferred to sit there, wallowing in self-pity and pain. I wanted to remind her that I was a habitual procrastinator and that was why I still hadn’t talked to Dustin and why I hadn’t even attempted to deal with the pain of losing Lucas.

But I was weak, too. And I wanted to look at Lucas again. I longed to see his crinkly-eyed smile. I ached to touch him – even if it was just brushing against his arm.

And I wanted to see how he was doing.

Sighing heavily, I held up the dress. “Maybe I’ll go,” I relented. Morgan squealed as she tugged me off the bed. “But just for a little while,” I told her sternly.

“Perfect,” Bailey smirked. “Go get dressed and we’ll fix your hair.”

I rolled my eyes but as I walked to the bathroom, my heart felt a little lighter. I pulled the dress over my head and admired my reflection. The dress was snug and perhaps a little lower cut than I preferred. But the color played up my eyes and the skirt tangled around my legs. I smiled a little.

“Hey,” Bailey yelled. “Can we come in?”

“Yeah,” I said, still admiring the dress.

When Bailey pushed through the door, she let out a low whistle. “You look beautiful, Irelyn.”

I blushed. “Thanks.”

Morgan pushed me down on the toilet and began combing my hair. Bailey attacked my face and by the time they finished, I barely recognized myself.

“You two are going through an awful lot of trouble for a birthday party,” I said suspiciously. “You’re not trying to get me and Lucas back together, are you?”

“Nope,” Bailey said as she blotted my lips. “Just want you to feel better about yourself.”

I rolled my eyes but didn’t argue.

Morgan dropped a pair of heels at my feet. They matched the dress perfectly. I slipped my feet in them before grabbing my coat. “Let’s get this over with.”

***

I followed the girls up the metal steps to Spencer’s apartment – trying desperately to remember the last time I’d traveled up them, wrapped in Lucas’s arms. The heel of my shoe stuck in a hole in the grate, stopping my progress, forcing me to yank it loose. I sighed. That probably wasn’t a good sign.

Spencer greeted us, mild surprise in his eyes when he spotted me, and took all our coats. He deposited them in the guest room I had no desire whatsoever to go in. I averted my eyes, trailing behind my friends, not eager to look at anyone, either.

Spencer’s apartment was bigger than I thought. I’d never really had a chance to look around since the only time I’d been there was the first time with Lucas. And I’d been far too occupied to admire the décor.

The place sprawled across the top of Rusty’s. The living room was huge and had a large, plasma TV resting on an entertainment center against the wall. The furniture was like the Newton brothers’ furniture – mismatched but comfortable. And the kitchen, where the girls had taken me, was even larger.

Spencer had placed several tubs filled with ice and various beverages on the floor. Bending, I dug through the frigid water for a soda.

My hands trembled as I leaned against the counter, watching as Bailey and Morgan chatted lightly with Spencer. Bailey handed him a gift and whispered something in his ear that made his cheeks turn red. Taking the gift, he disappeared behind a door.

“What did you get him?” I asked. She grinned. “Never mind. I don’t want to know.”

“He’s just putting it in his bedroom for later,” she said with a wink. She glanced around the empty kitchen as if waiting for something – or someone – to pop out at us. “Lucas isn’t here yet.”

My heart stilled aw I nodded, sipping my soda. My nervousness abated for the moment, allowing my lungs the chance to fill and empty at a normal pace.

When Spencer returned, he hugged me again before pecking my cheek. “You look beautiful, dear. But you don’t look like you’ve slept in a month.”

Shrugging off his concerns, I tried to smile. “I’m fine, Spencer.”

“They did tell you that Lucas is coming, right?” he frowned as he pointed at Bailey and Morgan. “Because I’ll not have you here under false pretenses.”

I patted his stomach before standing on my toes to press a kiss to his cheek. “They told me. It’s all right. I can’t avoid him forever.”

Spencer cupped my chin as he stared into my eyes. “Irelyn, he loves you – whether he ever tells you or not. He misses you. Oh, he goes to work and to the gigs and he hangs out – but he’s just not totally there anymore. Maybe you two fooled yourselves into thinking that what you had was just a fling – but it wasn’t. Not for either of you. I saw that, Collin saw that, the girls saw that.”

“I don’t want to talk about this now, Spencer,” I said as I jerked my chin out of his grasp. “I’m sorry.”

He expelled a long breath. “Okay, darling. No problem.”

I smiled at him as we all turned our head toward the doorway. It sounded as though a large group of people had arrived and Spencer dashed off to greet them. My body trembled as I wondered if Lucas was in that group and if he would speak to me. I wondered if I should speak to him. I wondered what I should say. I wondered if I would slip up and tell him I love him.

“There’s my girl!” Collin announced as he bounded into the room and swept me off my feet, twirling me around. He kissed my cheek as he carefully set me down. “You look ravishing, darling.”

“Thanks,” I laughed. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed Collin until he was right in front of me. “You look good, too.”

He kissed my cheek again and let his lips linger near my ear. “My brother is in the other room if you’d like to talk to him. He knows you’re in here – Spencer told him. But he won’t come in here because he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

I sighed heavily and really loud. “He doesn’t have to do that, Collin,” I said as I pulled away. “I don’t want him to walk on eggshells around me. He should be able to have a good time.”

“Tell him that,” he grinned. He dug three beers out of the cooler before heading toward the living room. “Oh, and you don’t need to walk on eggshells around him, either.”

When he left, I glanced at my friends. I took a deep breath and held it, hoping it would summon some courage. My entire body shook as I released the breath. I wanted to see him terribly but I didn’t want to see him, either.

“Just go say hi,” Bailey urged. “It won’t hurt.”

“I will,” I said. I set my soda can on the counter. “Come with me,” I asked as if I were at an elementary school dance and was about to tell my crush I thought he was cute.

“Let’s go,” Morgan said, taking my arm.

When we entered the living room, my eyes eagerly scanned every face looking for his. When I found it, I nearly collapsed. He was still so beautiful but he was talking to a girl I didn’t recognize. And when he smiled at something she said, my heart cracked right down the middle.

“I can’t do this,” I whispered. As I struggled to free my arm from Morgan, he finally noticed me. The smile slipped off his face as his eyes met mine. I froze while my blood boiled. I still wanted him and the time apart had only increased my need.