All This Heavenly Glory (29 page)

Dob Snib

Last night I was telling Ben that I’d seen this family on TV that had fifteen kids with J names and one on the way (did they
read my story “Football”). He started thinking of J names and saying them out loud: “Jennifer, Joseph, James, Jane, Jason,
Jeremy, Jonathan, Jessie…,” and then without taking any more breaths than he had at the beginning of the list, “Jack, Jabbo,
Dob Snib, Jibba Jabba…”

I laughed for ten minutes.

So on a related note, this morning, I have Dob Snib in my head. Does that ever happen to you? You hear a weird word or exotic
name you never heard before and it just sticks in your head like a bad pop song or an annoying commercial? This is probably
the real reason Ben and I are married. We both came into the union with this problem, to the point where if I have something
weird in my head, I’m not allowed to say it out loud because he knows he’ll catch it.

Restless Leg Syndrome

In an unrelated incident (I just felt like starting a sentence with that phrase), my friend Ted links to an article about
the above, not at all, I am sure, intending for readers like me to read the link and go OH MY GOD, I HAVE THAT, I HAVE RESTLESS
LEG SYNDROME! But 1 did, and I do.

One More Reason I Loves Me Some Ben

One night recently when I was suffering from Restless Arm Syndrome (not to be confused with RLS, which also afflicts me),
I said to Ben, “I think I might have arthritis.” He said, “Wow, really, what makes you think that?” In my head I had what
I actually thought were vaguely valid reasons for this self-diagnosis, but it was late and I was tired and after I’d already
opened my mouth, I discovered I was unable to explain. I said something like, “I guess… I’m not…” and thought I was going
to say “sure” but instead I said “a doctor.” And Ben looked at me with a very convincing look of surprise and said, “Huh.”
And then we giggled for like ten minutes. Maybe you had to be there, but you’d have had to have been in bed with us, which
means there’s no way you could have been there.

Not My Favorite Mistakes

All too often, I turn on the TV only to be jolted by the sight of the familiar face of someone I once dated. Even worse is
when I’m in another room and I hear the unmistakable voice of one of them in the other room, not quite realizing that the
TV is even on. This is probably something you get used to if you’re Jennifer Aniston, but I am not she. Still, living in New
York for as long as I did, the odds are that you’re going to date some actors, although somehow Nina managed to escape this
fate, so maybe I have no excuse. None of the ones in my past are particularly well-known, but many of them work often, and
turn up with some frequency on shows like
Law and Order and Prison Break,
which, frankly, is no small irony. It would be different if I could go around saying, “Yeah, me and Clooney used to date,
that’s right, movie star and ER’s Doctor Ross,” and, “No, I broke up with him.” More like, “Um, yeah, I used to know him,”
about the child killer on
Law and Order: SVU
or one of the craggy gang leaders on
Prison Break.
I suppose I should be grateful none of them have turned up on
Elimidate
. I’m just saying, most of us have the option of burning anything ex-related or at least mentally blocking out our mistakes
if we so choose. I will say this, though, watching these shows with my sweetie next to me, damned if I’m not even more grateful
than I already am to be out of that game.

Okay Now I’m Just Upset

I saw Ashlee Simpson on TV this morning and realized I’ve gone from baffled to disturbed. Y’all know I have a solid place
in my heart for pop culture, but there’s just no aspect of what’s happening here that I can get with. It’s so obviously, carefully
constructed as to be upsetting, and as upsetting as anything is that this young girl truly has no idea. Well, either that
or she doesn’t care, being rich and famous and all, but I think she just doesn’t realize that she is a vehicle for sales,
and nothing else. I’m not really sure what I think Ashlee Simpson should be doing with her life, maybe doodling some boy’s
name on her notebook during a slide show in Astro, or thinking about possible careers in fashion, like being a personal shopper,
and perhaps I’m overthinking this but what I really want is for her to look into her soul and somehow become deep, and that’s
probably not going to happen. In the meantime, if I were you, or her, I’d be like, Nobody’s forcing you to buy my records
or to, you know, turn off the TV, Crane, I’m not interested in your stupid wordy books, like, go get a punctuation mark or
whatever, at least I’m rich! I think what it really is is that Ashlee is but one blip on the map of products like this, and
I’d be so bummed if my preteen daughters were into stuff like this as opposed to even the loudest, scariest kind of punk that
makes no sense to me at all that’s around when I actually have preteen daughters. Because then I’d at least know they had
a soul. What confuses me about, mmm, me, is that there are probably any number of musicians I’ve listened to that people would
find equally as soulless, and it may even be true, but I feel like we’re reaching new levels of nothingness here.

Commitment

Last night Ben and I took an important step in our relationship, I think.

We merged our laundry.

We’ve been living together for well over a year, but I’ve hesitated to get involved with Ben’s laundry because

a) he has a lot of it

and

b) a lot of it is very very dirty.

I know the soap and water supposedly wash all the dirt out, but somehow I can’t help thinking that his dirt will make a pass-through
of my clothes first, and that some of it will stay.

But it got to the point where something had to be done. I was beginning to call our closet “the laundry room” and we don’t
have a washer dryer.

I’ll bet the Federlines don’t have this kind of intimacy.

Dear Hollywood Writers of Bad Thrillers and TV Movies and Also Sometimes Cop Shows

One time? When you reveal who the psycho killer/stalker is? Could you maybe think about spooking us some other way besides
with a creepy collage on their entire bedroom wall of ripped photos and newspaper headlines? And sometimes also melty candles
around the photos, if it’s a stalker? Because really? I’m thinking that in the history of psycho killers? Maybe one or two
were into creepy crafting and the rest were maybe not so much into decorating at all. And but, if it’s actually like, a known
thing that psycho killers/stalkers do tend toward the creepy collage? What if there were some sort of support group, or a
class even, where they sat around and talked with each other about their techniques? That would be fresh, Hollywood Writers.

Dear Ben Folds,

Is it so great to be you? It must be so great to be you. If I were to interview you, that might be the only question I would
ask. I would say, Ben Folds, is it so great to be you? And you, I imagine, would say, It is really really great and I would
say Thank you very much, that was Ben Folds. I cannot imagine that when you’re at the keyboard, bangin’, that you don’t think,
Wow, it is so totally fucking great to be me!

Listening to your music, what I think is so great about you, is that rather than wishing I were you (which is something I
have been known to do, historically, having wished on occasion that I were, yes, Billy Joel, Fred Astaire, Shawn Colvin, Edward
Gorey, and David Foster Wallace, to name just a few who come to mind) I find myself, thinking, wow, it is totally fucking
great to be me. Which is not at all mutually exclusive of thinking it must also be fucking great to be you. It’s just that
for the first time, thinking along these lines, I also thought, you know, although it must be fucking great to be Ben Folds,
since I am not Ben Folds, I am glad there is a Ben Folds to be Ben Folds, so that I feel the indescribably full feelings I
am made to feel when listening to Ben Folds.

I would like to say, however, Ben Folds, that if you ever need someone to sing Aaaah, or Bop-aah, that sort of thing, that
I am qualified to do exactly that, in tune and in harmony, not just because I have sung along many times over to Carpenter
and Partridge records in a similar fashion, but because I do have an actual musical resume, albeit a short one. Plus I would
make a cute addition to your backup singers, and I am willing and available to travel starting immediately. I realize my current
CV does not exactly qualify me for this position, but I think it would give you an extra cachet to have a short-story writer
in your backup band. I have been called both “literary darling” and “short-story mastermind.” That could be cool, right? I
only ask because although it is truly great to be me (my husband and I have a hammock), writing is a different kind of thrill
than making music, not to get too esoteric, but although the process of writing can be immensely satisfying, as is the ability
to connect with a reader, physically, well, it’s lacking. I don’t get to bang on my keyboard, and even if I did, kick-ass
melodies wouldn’t come out. I’m just putting the offer out there.

Yours most sincerely with not even a little bit of irony in case that’s what you think because it is 100 percent for sure
with all sincerity,

Elizabeth Crane

1. “Ad” is a breathlessly worded personal that introduces just about every aspect of Charlotte’s character: her desires, her
quirks, her gripes and delights. How does it serve as a first impression of Charlotte? If you created a similar ad, how would
it read? What would you include and what would you hope it conveyed about you?

2. At eight years old, Charlotte finds herself in the youth chorus of her mother’s opera company, and the experience exposes
her to a world of pageantry, melodrama, and the idea of castration. Was such a world too sophisticated for a young girl, or
is Charlotte mature enough despite her tender age? And how does her precociousness affect the woman she becomes?

3. Charlotte’s friendship with Declan is complex, and it causes her to think about fame, intimacy, and dependency. What does
Declan’s insecurity say about him? What does Charlotte’s reponse to it say about her? What does she learn from him? How would
you behave in that type of relationship?

4. Did you read this book as though it were a novel, or a story collection? What makes this a novel, or not?

5. Why do you suppose Crane chose to write most of Charlotte Anne’s childhood stories in the present tense and the adulthood
stories in the past tense? How does this contribute to your experience of the story? Do our distant memories feel constant
in some sense?

6. What do you think of Charlotte Anne’s spiritual life? Does it make her even less reliable as a narrator, or does it make
her more human? Do you agree or disagree with her views on spirituality? How do her views evolve?

7. Clearly, Charlotte Anne has her flaws and her strengths. Is she someone you’d want to be friends with, or someone you’d
want to strangle? If you were Charlotte Anne, would you want to strangle yourself?

8. “Ad” and “Glory” both employ elements of fantasy, but most of the book is based in reality. How does fantasy contribute
to the book and to your understanding of Charlotte Anne? Does it distract you? How so?

9. Jenna is certainly Charlotte Anne’s touchstone. How might Charlotte Anne’s life be different if she didn’t have Jenna?
Would it be better in any way? Who is your Jenna? How do you think your best friend would help you if you were faced with
some of the same situations as Charlotte Anne?

Elizabeth Crane offers a list of some of her favorite books:

Middlesex
by Jeffrey Eugenides

Simplify
by Tod Goldberg

Hairstyles of the Damned
by Joe Meno

Bluebirds Used to Croon in the Choir
by Joe Meno

Encyclopedia of an Ordinary Life
by Amy Krouse Rosenthal

The Diviners
by Rick Moody

Men and Cartoons
by Jonathan Lethem

Oblivion
by David Foster Wallace

Willful Creatures
by Aimee Bender

The Brief and Frightening Reign of Phil
by George Saunders

“Terrific…. Riveting from first to last.”

— Jennifer Reese,
New York Times Book Review

“Hilariously off-kilter stories…. Utterly refreshing:”

— John Freeman,
San Francisco Chronicle

“A sparkling collection of stories about women looking for love…. Crane’s voice is sharp and smart and wholly sympathetic.”

— Karen Valby,
Entertainment Weekly

“Often hilarious…. Crane’s heroines have been around the block a few times but still have tread on their tires and an off-key
song in their hearts…. I haven’t seen women quite like them anywhere else.”

— Carol Anshaw,
Chicago Tribune

“Crane may hit the funny bone more often than not, but she’s secretly taking dead aim at the heart.”

—Connie Ogle,
Miami Herald

—Thisbe Nissen, author of
The Good People of New York and Osprey Island

H
ere are the events that make up a life: a junior high school fashion crisis, a best friend’s betrayal, substance abuse, recovery,
finding a satisfying career, dating fiascoes, the perfect relationship, the burdens of familial duty. The particular life
that comes into focus in these pages is that of Charlotte Anne Byers, one gloriously flawed human being who’s constantly struggling
to fit in - a character in whom every reader will likely see herself reflected. Charlotte’s dogged pursuit of happiness becomes
hilariously and achingly real in a work that mixes whimsy, skepticism, emotional frankness, and grace.