Allie's War Season Three (22 page)

I cleared my throat.

"Revik," I said. "I know what I said to 'Dori...but I really don't want to take advantage of anything..."

His shoulders tensed. As my words penetrated, his aleimi slid around me once more, coiling around mine in shifting sparks. He didn't speak. I felt pain in his light, worsening past what he'd let me feel since we'd been alone together in that enclosed bunk on the plane. It was enough to stutter my words, to blank my mind for a few seconds.

"...but I think," I said, taking a breath after that pause, swallowing before I met his gaze. "I think you should let me help you with this." I paused, lost briefly in the dense look that rose to his eyes. "...Unless you think you can handle me holding for you right now," I added. I forced my gaze away, my voice neutral. "If you'll let me feed you light, long enough for you to get some sleep, then we can talk about the rest of it tomorrow..." I paused, struggling with my vocal chords again when his light coiled hotly into mine.

"...If you want," I added awkwardly.

He'd lowered his hand while I spoke, and now he was caressing my leg, his hand under the edge of the robe. I found myself unable to tear my mind off the soft patterns his fingers traced on my skin, even as I forced myself to look at his face again.

"Revik," I said, sighing. "What happened? You were okay before...even in the cab. Was Balidor right? Is this because of the op...because you got too low on light?"

He shook his head, frowning a little.

It didn't feel like a 'no,' precisely.

In fact, I found myself thinking he just didn't want to talk about it, at least not right then...or maybe not with me. His eyes were on my legs, on the robe where it tied around my waist. He was thinking about untying the knot, wondering what I had on under it, when my fingers tightened in his hair.

"Revik," I said, my voice a little sharper. "Hey."

He looked up. Seeing the distant look in his eyes, I realized I wasn't going to be able to talk to him about this, not really...not now, anyway. Turning over Balidor's words yet again, I found myself trying to think past the warmth of Revik's hand on my leg, the other arm that had slid lightly around my waist...almost cautiously. Or really, more surreptitiously than cautiously...more like a guy throwing an arm around their date's seat back in a dark movie theater. As I realized that much, something else occurred to me. I was feeling something in his light I'd never really felt before, not even when he was Syrimne...at least, not aimed at me.

He was hunting me.

I felt it through his light, in the intent behind the low hum of his thoughts. He was tugging me into him, pulling on me...gently right now, carefully, but I could feel what lay behind it, what came next, if he got past my initial defenses. He would keep pulling harder as I let him in, trying to gain control over more of my light. I could already feel pieces of that in the background, structures in his light testing limits in mine...trying to discern how hard he could push, when he could risk pushing harder...how far I would need to let him in before he could coax me into doing what he wanted.
 

If anything, it reminded me of what he'd done at that cabin in the Himalayas, the first time we were about to make love. He'd been worried I might stop him, that I wouldn't let him finish. He'd tried to get my light to submit to his; he'd wanted me to lose control so I wouldn't say no. Of course, he hadn't articulated it then, either, not even to himself. He'd done it almost compulsively, and I could feel that in him now, too.

"Husband," I said, tugging on his hair to get him to look up. "Are you listening to me?"

"Can I go down on you?"

It came out blunt, startling me.

I felt my skin warm abruptly once I realized what he'd said, even as his fingers tightened on my waist, holding me closer against him. I felt him second-guessing his words, what he'd said...the way he'd said it. I felt a part of him recoil at the crudity of how he'd asked me, even as he listened for my answer. He didn't seem to know what to say next, or how to soften the request.

"Please," he said finally. His hand traveled further up my leg, caressing the back of my knee, stroking my thigh. "Please... Allie... let me. I'll sleep after...take light. Whatever you want..."

I slid my fingers deeper into his hair. Swallowing again, I forced myself to think past his words, the way he was looking at me.

"I think if we do anything like that, I should do it for you," I said finally. I softened my voice when I saw his face tighten. "Revik. You need this more than I do..."

His light reacted to that. Not well, either.

I felt him take my words badly, felt it mix in with a deeper layer of emotionality that lived there, a see-saw of light I hadn't seen when I'd been staring into the distance in his eyes.

"You don't need this?" he said, his voice hard.

My fingers tightened on him again, tugging for him to look up. "Revik," I said, warning. "No. That's not what I said...or what I meant. And you're not going to go there. You're not...understand?"

"I'm not," he said. It wasn't really a question.

"No," I told him. "Please, okay? That's not you talking...it's the separation. You need to try and remember that..."

I felt him try to make sense of my words, to discern the difference. But he couldn't stay with it, couldn't make himself care enough to puzzle it out.
 

His pain flickered over my light, along with that denser confusion. It started off close to mild at first, but wound up in intensity so quickly I found myself clenching my fingers in his hair, holding his shoulder with my other hand.
 

He groaned against my leg when my light reacted in his.

Pain hit me, hard...catching me off guard.

"Gods, Alyson," he said. His fingers were on the knot on my robe, tugging on it, one-handed. "What were you going to do to me? Tell me..."

I caught his fingers in mine, stopping him.

He let me ease him off my lap, too, but somehow his cooperation just felt like another means of pulling on me. I held his wrist when he turned, meeting his gaze again once he'd rolled most of the way to his side.
 

I found myself scanning the organic bandage again, and the wound under it.
 

The wound felt raw to my light, vulnerable... which if nothing else was a good reminder of why I couldn't let him pull me into this. I tried to ignore the fact that he was obviously hard through the dark pants he wore, as well as the fact that his other hand still rested heavily on my leg. When I let the handcuffs drop to the floor, still attached to the headboard by a chain, he followed them with his eyes, and I glimpsed him thinking about using those, too, only on me.

"Revik," I said, my voice coming out softer. "...Baby. I'm going to have to take control of your light if you don't calm down." Hesitating at the pained look that rose to his eyes, I added, "Are you okay with that? Are you going to be angry with me later, if I end up having to do that?"

Hesitating only a second, he shook his head.

"Are you sure?"

"Are you going to fuck me?" His voice was rough.

I caressed his face again, swallowing. "Revik... calm down."

He pulled on me with his light, closing his eyes longer than a blink. "Answer me. Please, Allie... answer me..."

"I don't think we should," I said carefully, wincing at the pain that flared off his light. "Intercourse, Revik... I mean intercourse. I won't be able to control things if we do that..." At the pain verging on anger that flared off him again, I took his hand, gripping his fingers. I felt him try to suppress it, to keep the tangle of reactions out of his light, or at least away from where I could feel them. "Revik... listen to me. I want to. I want to more than anything. In fact, if you'd asked me any other time, I..."
 

Rethinking saying that, at least right then, I hesitated, still watching his eyes.
 

"But Balidor's right," I said, sliding my fingers into his hair. "We can't do it now. I won't be able to stop things in time to keep from hurting you, not if we go too far... and both of us would be out of commission for weeks..."

"I don't care," he said, closing his eyes.

"I know you don't," I said. "That's the problem... and I won't either, not if I let you talk me into this..."

"Are you going to give me head?" he said, his eyes distant once more.

I hesitated, still lost in his expression.
 

I remembered before the op, when I'd been the one pulling on him, when he'd been the one sidestepping my light. It was difficult to connect the expression on his face to that man...or the one I'd been with a few hours after that, who'd snickered at my handiwork with the cameras, who'd used his light to drop guards and blow out the walls of the lower vault...or even the one who'd kissed me in the stairwell.

Pain tried to take over my own light, to turn my thoughts irrational, too. We always seemed to come towards each other at cross-purposes... even when I told myself I wasn't. Balidor was right, I'd been trying to seduce him for weeks. I just hadn't been admitting it to myself. I'd hoped he would spend the night, a few of those planning nights in my room. I'd invited him there with that in the back of my mind, even as I pretended it wasn't. Maybe it was the real reason I was here, now, too. Maybe I really should leave.

"What can I do, Revik?" I said finally. "You need to take light. It would be better if we did this some other way, if you could just –– "

"Is that what 'Dori saw? You giving me head?"

My face warmed. "Probably."

He stared up at the ceiling, still clutching my hand. "Will you let me do it to you?"

"Revik," I said, sighing a little. "You're killing me right now. You know that, right?"

"Please, Allie."

I shook my head. "I don't think it's a good idea."

"Why?"

I sighed again. "You know why. Because it's foreplay to you...I can feel it all over your light. You want to have sex. It's all you're thinking about..." I swallowed, shaking my head. "It wouldn't be cool for me to do it, Revik. You've told me a hundred times why you want to wait. I'd be an asshole to do this to you now, when you can't fight back...you'll be angry at me later, even if you don't know it now..."

He looked at me, the pain back in his eyes. The distance remained, too, along with a flare of denser frustration.

"Bullshit, Alyson."

I shook my head again, averting my eyes. "You need light. If not me, then maybe you should..." I swallowed, shaking my head again. Biting my lip, I added, "Is there someone else who could help? Someone who isn't me?"

His eyes hardened to slate. I felt anger spark in his light, real anger.

"You want me to fuck someone else?"

I winced. "Do I even have to dignify that with an answer?" Feeling his anger worsen, I shook my head. My fingers tightened in his hair. "I don't want that at all. But you need to take light, Revik. If not me, then –– "

"Would it be easier if I forced you?" he said, his voice still hard. "Is that going to make it more palatable for you, Allie...?"

He gestured vaguely, indicating his body, then the area above his head. I found myself looking at his fingers, then his arms...but I knew what he meant. Wounded or not, he was stronger than me, and not just physically.

"...Did you hear what Wreg said?" he asked, his voice nearly accusing.

"I heard him." I measured his eyes. "Are you threatening me? Or worried about it?"

Holding my hand, he raised his other one to his face, shielding his expression.

"Allie, gods. Neither. I'm telling you...I'm telling you so you can decide. I can barely make myself feel bad about it at this point..." He trailed, his jaw clenching. His accent worsened again when he next spoke. "I want you to stay. But if you don't want sex with me, you should go. Now. And tell Wreg to trank me on your way out...or I can't promise I won't follow you..."

Biting my lip, I nodded, but I can't say I really knew what I was nodding to. Fighting to think past his stare, I finally shrugged, meeting his gaze reluctantly.

"There's another option," I said.

"Which is what?"

I swallowed again, tugging at his hair with my fingers. "Can you trust me?"