Almost Perfect

Contents

Cover

Title

Copyright

Torchwood series from BBC Books

Five Rare Times That Ianto Jones Swears

Rhys is Sunday shopping with the missus

1. Status Updates

Emma Webster is…

Emma Webster has a Plan for a Brand New Me

Gwen is Late for Work

Emma is Having her Last Bad Day at Work

Ianto is More Important Than Static Cling

Captain Jack is Feeling Buoyant

Dorice is her Usual Red

Gwen is Wearing Corpse

Patrick Matthews is Not Dead

Emma Webster is Attending Speed-Dating in the Bay

Tombola’s is the Ideal Venue for Your Next Party

Bren is Very Precise

Gwen is Awake First

Ianto is Staying in Bed

Emma Webster is Plotting Revenge

Ianto Tries Beige

Emma Webster is Having It Medium

Jack is Puzzled

Emma Webster is on a Date

Joe Sterling is Listed As Being in a Relationship With Emma Webster

Gwen and Ianto Get a Shopping Montage

Captain Jack is Available for Children’s Parties

Emma Webster is With her Perfect Man

Rhys Williams is Cooking Up a Storm

Joe Sterling is Dumped

Sergeant Pepper is a Lonely Heart’s Club Band

Emma Webster is Selecting her Next Victim

Gwen is Losing the Argument

Helena Carter is Making Money from the Misery of Others

Patrick Matthews is Very Much Still Alive

Gwen has Had Better Nights

Emma Webster is a Marked Woman

Emma Webster is About to Be Off the Market Again

Rhys Williams is a Changed Man

Ianto Misses Pockets

Gwen is the Green-Eyed Monster

Emma Webster is Determined

Owen Harper is Still Dead

Ianto Can Ride a Horse Across a Beach Without Fear Or Shame

2. Lucky Debbie’s Duty-Free Pursuit of Love

Ianto is Having a Flashback

Jack is Making a Breakthrough

The Strange Alien Device is Plotting to take Over from Jeremy Kyle After this

Ross Kielty is Mistaken in Happiness

Rhys is in So Much Trouble

Jack is Softly, Softly Catchee Monkey

Ianto is Explaining How Coffee is Like Life

Gwen is Nowhere, and It’s for Bloody Ever

Captain Jack, Captain Jack, Get Off Your Back, go into Town, Don’t Let us Down. Oh No, No.

Mozart is Sponsored By Cholestria

Yvonne is Now Living in a Fish Restaurant

The Perfection are Ruthless, Tireless and have a High Thread Count

3. Damaged Gods

God is Dead (Bored)

Jack is Remembering An Agreement

Captain Jack has Killed the Wabbit, Killed the Wabbit

The Perfection Dances in Mysterious Ways

Jack is in for a Treat When He Checks the Cctv

Captain Jack Goes to the Wall

Ianto Knows the True Value of a Nugget

Eric Doesn’t Feel Like Dancing, No Sir, No Dancing Today

Gwen Welcomes Careful Drivers

Cardiff is a One-Way City

Bouncer Ben is Wondering Why His Nose Got Broken

Ianto is Just Murder on the Dance Floor

Captain Jack is Bargaining

Rudyard is Sadly All Mouth

Ianto Jones Could Teach You, But He’d have to Charge

Ianto is Civilisation. End Of.

Emma Webster is Starting Afresh

Madonna is a Gay Icon for Beginners

Epilogue: What the Strange Alien Device actually said to Captain Jack

Acknowledgements

This eBook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorised distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the author’s and publisher’s rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

Version 1.0

Epub ISBN 9781409072980

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Published in 2008 by BBC Books, an imprint of Ebury Publishing
A Random House Group company

© James Goss, 2008
James Goss has asserted his right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988.

Torchwood is a BBC Wales production for BBC Two Executive Producers: Russell T Davies and Julie Gardner

Original series created by Russell T Davies and broadcast on BBC Television ‘Torchwood’ and the Torchwood logo are trademarks of the British Broadcasting Corporation and are used under licence.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the copyright owner.

The Random House Group Limited Reg. No. 954009.
Addresses for companies within the Random House Group can be found at
www.randomhouse.co.uk.

A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 978 1 846 07573 5

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Commissioning Editor: Albert DePetrillo
Series Editor: Steve Tribe
Production Controller: Phil Spencer

Cover design by Lee Binding @ Tea Lady © BBC 2008
Typeset in Albertina and Century Gothic
Printed and bound in Germany by GGP Media GmbH

The
Torchwood
series from BBC Books:

1. ANOTHER LIFE
Peter Anghelides

2. BORDER PRINCES
Dan Abnett

3. SLOW DECAY
Andy Lane

4. SOMETHING IN THE WATER
Trevor Baxendale

5. TRACE MEMORY
David Llewellyn

6. THE TWILIGHT STREETS
Gary Russell

7. PACK ANIMALS
Peter Anghelides

8. SKYPOINT
Phil Ford

9. ALMOST PERFECT
James Goss

FIVE RARE TIMES THAT IANTO
JONES SWEARS*

1. The woman is looking at her burning hands. And she’s screaming. And Ianto sees what she sees.

2. It’s like being inside a giant washing machine. The back of the ferry is wide open and water is pouring in. And the water’s cold and filthy and the loading bay is turning, and Ianto is suddenly looking at a lorry. One of them is upside down. And then suddenly, it doesn’t matter.

3. The man is sat at a table in the restaurant. It’s got a lovely view of Cardiff Bay. The food is laid out before him. The champagne is fizzing in the glass. He sits there, immaculately dressed. He is a skeleton.

4. Ianto thought he wouldn’t see anything more disturbing at the club. But then – who paints their walls the colour of blood? And then he leans against it and realises the wall is breathing.

5. It’s Monday morning. The alarm goes off. Ianto wanders into the bathroom, switches on the light and…

* in no particular order

RHYS IS SUNDAY SHOPPING
WITH THE MISSUS

Rhys was delighted. ‘Look, Gwen, I’ve found you an alien!’

Gwen looked up from a crap jewellery stand. Towering over them was a street performer, covered in metal plate and body armour. Silver tendrils spilled out of the top of his head. ‘Yes, love,’ she said. ‘If only it was that easy.’

A crowd was watching the alien, who must have been almost three metres tall. There was a grim nobility about the performance – a stern refusal to move or even acknowledge the shoppers. The alien had a pitch on Queen Street, just away from a man singing into a traffic cone, a cluster of mobile phone shops and some students handing out free samples of a new cereal bar.

A man rolled up next to the alien and opened up his stall of ties, watches and sunglasses. The crowd’s attention wandered slightly. Ever professional, the alien shifted its weight subtly, a mass of heaving tendrils drifting across from behind its head. A small child shrieked, which aroused some ‘oohs’.

Rhys was entranced. Gwen giggled. ‘What are you like?’

Rhys shrugged. ‘Well, yeah – but he’s very good isn’t he? Way better than the Chaplin that used to be here. I know he’s made those flappy things out of an old mop, but he’s done it well, hasn’t he?’

‘Suppose,’ Gwen’s eye was caught by one of the suited children working at a mobile shop. He was edging closer with leaflets and a smile. She shuddered and started to steer Rhys away by the elbow.

‘Funny, isn’t it?’ said Rhys, not quite moving with her. This was the start of a little routine with him, as ritual as the way he licked his knife after buttering toast. ‘If he were a real alien, we’d all run screaming. But here he is, and we’re all… you know… interested… but a bit bored. Not scared.’

‘Yeah yeah – it’s an integration scheme run by the Tourist Board. Now let’s go stretch a pound.’

Rhys finally moved away. And as they went, Gwen glanced back at the alien.

It winked.

1. STATUS UPDATES

EMMA WEBSTER IS…

Emma Webster is still looking for love.
Emma Webster is watching Desperate Housewives (again!!!!)
Emma Webster is looking forward to Friday.
Emma Webster is going out again!!!
Emma Webster is recovering.
Emma Webster is hating Monday.
Emma Webster is fancying the new boy.
Emma Webster is flirting.
Emma Webster is getting somewhere.
Emma Webster is going for a drink with the new boy!
Emma Webster isn’t the type to kiss and tell.
Emma Webster is going for a long walk in the sunshine.
Emma Webster is all excited.
Emma Webster is seeing him again.
Emma Webster is unable to remember what the film was about.
Emma Webster is going out for a drink with the girls.
Emma Webster is buying a little black dress.
Emma Webster isn’t sure what happened there.
Emma Webster is forgetting about the diet.
Emma Webster is avoiding him.
Emma Webster is grateful for the calls.
Emma Webster is not going to text him.
Emma Webster is thinking of getting a cat.
Emma Webster is staying in.
Emma Webster is home to the folks.
Emma Webster is bored out of her mind.
Emma Webster is sick of ‘why can’t you settle down like your sister?’
Emma Webster isn’t afraid of the big three-oh.
Emma Webster is making a change.