Alone (12 page)

It
must be nice to feel sure of something. There are some truths that are absolute: hot and cold, for instance. But beyond physical sensations, I'm never sure of anything anymore.

Unlike Tatiana. She is so convinced that her mother is good. And that must feel nice, even though it's only a delusion. I almost feel bad, forcing her to see the truth. But would I be doing her any kind of favor by letting her live in a dreamworld? No way. She's got to wake up and smell the garbage, just like I did.

There's nothing sure in this world. Not even your parents. The sooner she realizes that, the better. I don't even know who my father is, let alone if he's good or evil. So if she finds out her mother is definitely a baddie, well, she's one step ahead of me.

All right. Is it time for thirty seconds of truth? I'll admit something to you. Yeah, I've got it in for Natasha
because George said she's trouble. Yeah, I have a problem with Tatiana's flirtatious relationship with Ed. But if you really want to talk about why I can't stand being around these two, I suppose a shrink might tell you it's because it brings up some long-ago feelings in me.

Feelings I'd thought I crushed out of existence after my mother died.

The fact is, I can remember my mother's smell, the feeling of her hair, the way her old jeans were so soft when I put my head in her lap. If she were alive today, I don't know if I'd be the kind of daughter who told her everything and asked her advice. I don't know if we'd fight about my curfew. I don't know if she'd yank me into line and give me lectures about living up to my potential at school. But I do know I'd love her so much. I do know I'd defend her to the death. I do know that if someone said boo about her, I'd punch her in the head, too.

I wish I had someone I loved that much.

Damn it.

I almost wish I was wrong about Natasha. I wish that bitch wasn't a government agent, working for Loki. Because when Tatiana learns the truth, it's going to break her heart. And she'll be just another girl like me, a motherless freak with no one to count on.

Now, is that fair? No. And I wish with all my heart that it just wasn't so.

Grown-ups suck.

The
plane's taking off. And instead of being on board, I'm back on this bike with Tom.

I know he got the word from George, but I can't help thinking something is wrong.

I've been through a lot in this life. There were times, when Russia was still the Soviet Union, when I wasn't sure I'd survive to adulthood. Crammed into that disgusting apartment in Moscow with my entire family, waiting on lines for hours just for a loaf of bread. Watching my father being taken away by the secret police because of suspected antigovernment activity. And the black-market hoodlums, who were just as dangerous to us. All I wanted was to grow up.

And then I did. Tatiana's father vanished just before she was born, and I was alone in that squalid hospital, giving birth without anesthetic, with a doctor who had all the empathy of an army sergeant, barking
at me to stop wailing, I was giving her a headache because I thought I was going to die that day. And in the weeks afterward, when I suffered from a horrible infection and nearly died, I actually prayed for death, the pain was so bad. But I survived it. I survived that illness, I survived my childhood, I survived losing everyone that meant anything to me, one by one. And I swore that was the last time I'd be forced by circumstance to endure pain I had no control over. If I was going to live my life constantly fighting battles, at least they would be battles I would pick. I wouldn't cower anymore. I contacted a friend who knew someone who knew someone else—that is how everything is done in Russia—and finally joined up with the American agency. I began my life as a spy.

It felt very good, to fight against the powers that oppressed
me. And after communism fell, I continued to do this work, because there is always evil in the world.

It felt good. But it never felt wonderful.

This feels wonderful. This man makes me feel clever, beautiful, accomplished. Working with him makes me my best self. He is like a drug. A good drug, but a drug that I must have. I am not sure about that plane, taking off behind me. I have misgivings about where we are going on this motorcycle. But God help me, I cannot let go. All I can do is stick with him and hang on for dear life.

ON THE STREET BELOW, GAIA AND
Tatiana could see a woman screaming as someone took off with her child.

“Have your secretary call mine,” Gaia said, already halfway out the door. “We'll finish this discussion later.”

“Oh, no, you don't!” Tatiana grabbed her keys and a jacket and followed close behind Gaia. “I'm not leaving you alone until you take me to this CIA man. Do you hear me, Gaia? I am coming with you!”

There was no sense in trying to reason with Tatiana, Gaia thought. Anyway, she'd never be able to keep up. Gaia took the stairs five and six at a time, taking whole landings in a leap. Behind her, Tatiana's feet drummed down the same stairs. They burst out on the street and followed the woman's trembling finger.

Gaia took off first, but she hadn't counted on Tatiana's speed. The Village School didn't have a track team, but back in Russia she had actually trained with the Olympic track-and-field team. She was a runner—a sprinter, in fact, and despite Gaia's almost superhuman pace, Tatiana was able to keep up with her easily.

And they both closed in on the baby-snatching creep without too much trouble. The guy must
have been desperate, committing such a high-profile crime. And dumb, too. He was headed for Central Park.

They chased him into an entrance, and he immediately headed downtown, leaping over bushes and walls. Finally there was only one place he could go: He leapt, with the child still crammed under his arm, right into the polar bear's habitat.

Now, Tatiana hadn't been in New York long, but she knew you weren't supposed to get anywhere near the polar bears. They looked big, cute, and gentle, and it was fun to stand outside the partition as they swam around in their moat, holding your hand against the glass and marveling at how much bigger their paws were. Word had it that ten years earlier, some stupid kids had climbed into their lair in the middle of the night
and got turned into bear chow in two seconds flat
. It was no joke: They were wild animals.

Tatiana stopped short, her heart in her throat, but Gaia never even paused. Her eyes flashed as if she were calculating something at top speed, and she looked around quickly, taking in her surroundings with the efficiency of a computer scanner. In a second she had grabbed a length of hose lying nearby—probably to give the bears a shower—and tied it firmly to a metal pole, letting the other end dangle down into the bears' habitat. And then she leapt
down, as casually as if she were jumping a hurdle in gym class.

The polar bears weren't like cats, Tatiana noticed. They didn't circle their prey casually. They were loping toward the guy with the kid quickly, and he was frozen in shock.

“I wouldn't go there, bears,” Gaia shouted, conking one of them on the head with a rock to get his attention. “Eating a human is a capital offense—even if he's just a child-molesting creep!”

The bears changed direction, heading straight for Gaia, but she was way ahead of them. She leapt from her craggy rock to the one that hung over the kidnapper and grabbed the kid right out of his hands. She shoved the man over the divider into the monkey cage, then ran back, with the child now firmly held under her arm, to where the dangling hose was. Any moment of hesitation would definitely cost her life—but that human hesitation was uncannily absent. Tatiana couldn't believe what she was seeing.

She yanked the hose to pull Gaia up and out of the bears' den, and all three of them collapsed on the hard ground. Now, finally, they could see that the little girl was a gorgeous, blue-eyed two-year-old. She looked first at Gaia, then at Tatiana, and then broke into a heart-rending wail. Gaia was closest to her—plus she had just saved her from the bear—so the
poor kid grabbed her around the neck, mistaking her for someone who possessed even a shred of a nurturing instinct.

“Hey! Oh. Hey, come on,” Gaia said, suddenly looking nervous. “Um. Don't cry.” She was positively wooden.

“Give her a hug,” Tatiana said. “Come on, Gaia, she's scared!” She tried to rub the little girl's back, but for some unknown reason, it was Gaia she wanted comfort from.

Gaia put her arms around the child
as if she was hugging a porcupine.
She patted her little head awkwardly. “Hey, stop that. It's really loud.”

“Gaia!” Tatiana started laughing. “You're hopeless.” She took the little girl's chubby hands from around Gaia's neck and enveloped her in a reassuring embrace, feeling the child's trembling body latch onto hers for dear life. It was such a natural thing to do—yet it was completely beyond Gaia's grasp.

“There, there,” she said, giving Gaia a wry grin as she shook her head. Gaia seemed a little out of it, but she rallied after a moment or two. “Come on,” Tatiana told her. “I think I hear the police.”

They stood, and Tatiana carried the little girl out to the pathway, where several officers and the girl's mother were at a standstill, not knowing where the kidnapper had run.

“Sophie!” the mom yelped, and the little girl flung
herself into her arms. “Thank you so much,” she told Tatiana, who shoved Gaia forward.

“Oh, this is your hero,” she said.

“Whatever. If you want the creep who did this, he's in the monkey moat.” Gaia shrugged. They could hear his shrieks as he was overrun by the wild primates. Tatiana had heard they could break a grown man's arm. It sounded like they were trying, anyway.

The officers ran off to nab their guy, with two remaining behind to get Sophie and her mother home safely. Which made it easy for Gaia and Tatiana to melt back into the shadows and cross diagonally toward Fifty-ninth Street and the south end of the park.

“I wonder how come a girl who's not afraid of polar bears is frightened to death by a crying child?” Tatiana teased, still amused at Gaia's sudden change of mood.

“Guess that's just another mystery of life,” Gaia said.

“Well, then let's clear up our earlier mystery,” Tatiana told her. “I would like to speak to this man who says such terrible things about my mother.”

Gaia groaned. “Tatiana, I appreciate your help with that little snot-nose incident—really, your contribution was invaluable—but I don't think you want to get involved in this situation, and I am not bringing you downtown.”

“You are so stubborn,” Tatiana said. Anger flashed into her eyes again. “For God's sake, Gaia. Forget the child you just saved. That is not why I am asking. I need to speak to this person who knows so much about my mother. Or who thinks he does.”

“I'll handle it,” Gaia said. “I'll get the information from him and fill you in.”

“You will forgive me for not believing you completely when you say that,” Tatiana said. “You are not the most dependable person in general, if you have not noticed.”

Gaia gritted her teeth. Part of her wouldn't have minded having someone at her side when she confronted George. But the images flashed through her head: Sam. Mary. Her mother. Even Ella. Gaia's past was littered with friends who got involved—
and paid the price.

“No.” Her answer was flat and final. But it was not a word Tatiana liked hearing—especially not in this particular case.

“Gaia, listen to me,” Tatiana said. “Tonight has been a little strange. I found out my mother is dating someone. For anyone normal, that would be traumatic, but then you tell me she is some sort of spy. I begin to think about her habits, and I know she has been lying to me about something. But my instincts tell me you are still wrong about her. Gaia, she is all I have in this world, and I need to know the truth. Why
must you stand between me and the information I need?”

“Because it's too risky,” Gaia said. “This isn't an episode of ‘Scooby Doo.' You could really get killed.”

Tatiana paused, considering for a moment. “Perhaps my mother will get killed if I don't do something,” she said. Then she shifted her tone, trying to lighten things up a bit. “Besides, I didn't get killed by the giant polar bear. And I saved you from the terrible task of being thanked for saving that child.”

Gaia laughed in spite of herself. She could feel her resolve weakening. Tatiana was so determined, and Gaia of all people could appreciate where that determination was coming from. Plus Gaia was lonely.

“Don't you have something better to do?” she asked halfheartedly. “Like go see your boyfriend, Ed?”

Tatiana's face froze in a tight smile. “Ed is most certainly not my boyfriend.”

Gaia regarded Tatiana with renewed interest. Ed had stopped calling, huh? So Tatiana was going through the same Ed withdrawal she was. Jealous as she felt about Tatiana's flirting, Gaia couldn't find it in her heart to rub it in—it was too understandable. Besides,
the girl looked so stricken. Like a little deer.

“All right, all right, I'll tell you what.” Gaia took
Tatiana by the elbow and led her to the south end of the park, toward the N train. “If you'll stop looking so sad, I'll take you to talk to my connection.”

“I knew you would see it my way,” Tatiana told her, peering intently at her as they walked along.

“What are you looking at?” Gaia asked.

“I never saw you act human before,” Tatiana said. “I'm trying to get used to it.”

“Well, there's no need for that,” Gaia told her, patting her pockets in search of her MetroCard. “Believe me, it's not something I do too often.”