Altar Ego (9 page)

“How old are your children?”

I smiled as I thought of them.

“Ellie is 20 and Daniel 18. They are both at university now.” I sighed.

“You miss them.” He said tenderly and took my hand in his. It was a small gesture but it meant everything to me. He had touched something inside of me and I really didn’t want it to end. I turned to look at him. He was clean shaven, his hair perfect and there was a tiny freckle on his cheekbone I had never noticed before.

“Yes. I do.” I stared into his eyes. “I will miss you too.”

He gazed at the floor, releasing my hand and clamping his fingers around his coffee cup.

“Elise...please.” He sighed. “Don’t make this any harder than it already is.”

“Look at me Dominic.” I watched him as he gulped another mouthful of coffee, his Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed and the skin of his throat now looked restricted by his collar and tie. He loosened it with his finger and turned towards me, those eyes, once cold and steely, now filled with emotion.

“I can’t do this Elise. “ He said. “You awaken things in me that I hadn’t even realised were sleeping within.” He blinked as he continued. “I’m not right for you. You deserve more.”

“What if I don’t want more?” I asked quietly. “What if I just want you?”

He shook his head and broke eye contact.

“You have no idea who I am, what I’m capable of.”

“So let me find out.” I whispered.

He placed his coffee cup on the floor and stood slowly. He slid his hands into his pockets and turned away from me.

“I’m sorry Elise.” He didn’t even look at me, he just walked away.

“I’m not.”  I whispered at his back. “I will never be sorry.” A single tear dropped onto my cheek, and it was just possible that my heart was breaking. I felt more sadness at him walking away than I did when I left Adam, and to be honest, that didn’t surprise me.

I stayed sat there nursing my latte for so long, that by the time I tried to drink it, it was freezing. I screwed up my face in disgust and walked to the nearest bin. I dropped my cup into it followed by Dominic’s, which he had left on the floor beside me and headed for the park gates.

I walked back to the house and got into my car. I sat for a moment and went over and over in my head whether there was anything different I could have done. Whether there could have been a way to make him at least give us a try. I had only spent a few days with him, and yet he had affected me in the strangest of ways. It’s not like I was in love with him or anything, but I felt like my life was more interesting with him in it. I shook myself out of my mood and started the engine. I couldn’t sit here all day feeling sorry for myself. I turned the music up loud and set off for home. The realisation hit me suddenly that it wasn’t my home anymore, it was just a house where I had made memories. It was quite sad really.

I pulled up on the drive, relieved to see that Adam’s car was not there. I let myself in and moved gingerly from room to room. I have no idea what I was expecting to find and I laughed to myself before relaxing and getting my things together.

I put everything by the door ready to shove in the car and went into the office. I would just send a quick email to Ellie letting her know that I was staying with Max for a while. I didn’t worry about Daniel. Ellie would let him know and he would take his dads side anyway no matter what. They were really close, and so similar to each other, like peas in the proverbial pod. I hit send and got up to leave.

I opened the front door to find Adam stood in front me, key in hand.

“Elise.” He seemed surprised to see me. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s my house too Adam.” I snapped. “I was just picking up some things.” I continued to leave and starting putting all of my things outside the door.

“Let me help.” He reached for one of the bags.

“Don’t you dare!” I shouted. I knew he was only trying to help, but I really didn’t welcome it. I was having a shit day and I didn’t need him trying to be nice to me.  I knocked his hand away and carried on alone. He just stood there watching me as I loaded my things into the boot. I slammed it shut and fumbled with my key ring, taking off the house key and holding it out to him.

“Why are you giving me that? I don’t want your key Elise.” He looked hurt, his eyes void of the twinkle they used to have.

“I won’t be coming back Adam. I have everything I need.”  I told him. I looked away from him; I couldn’t bear to see the sadness in his eyes. I had to keep telling myself that this was his idea. That he decided we weren’t worth the effort. I seemed to be surrounded by men who got off on telling me I was no good for them. Though technically Dominic had said the HE was no good for me. I sighed and Adam took the key from me and closed his fist tight around it.

“This is it then?” He asked. His eyes were searching my face for answers as he spoke.

“Yes Adam. This is it.” I walked away from him and got back in my car, not waiting for him to stop me again; I started the engine and drove away from him, from my home and from over 21 years of happiness.

I dumped my stuff at Max’ house and decided to go and give him a hand in the restaurant.  He would be there alone doing the prep for tonight’s menu. He would appreciate the company. I smiled as I drove to the restaurant, looking forward to spending some time with Max.

I pulled up outside the back of the restaurant and parked my car. The kitchen door was closed although unlocked, and I pushed it open and went inside. To my surprise the kitchen was quiet. The radio was playing in the background, the strains of 80’s music barely breaking the silence. Something was wrong. It was too quiet. I moved through the kitchen to the stairs leading to the first floor and the office. I tentatively called for Max as I slowly climbed the stairs.

“Max...” I was greeted with silence. There was no reply.

I rounded the corner at the top of the stairs and gasped.

There was a man, large in stature and broad across the shoulders, holding Max faced against the wall by his neck, with his arms tightly secured up his back. He was leaning in to him and speaking into his ear in gruff tones. I instantly felt the dread rising and burst into the room screaming at him.

“Get the fuck off him.” I grabbed at his back clawing and scratching him in an attempt to pull him off of my friend. “What do you think you are doing?” I was furious, and my strength which appeared to have come from nowhere surprised me. He turned and grabbed my arms, staring at me. There was a look of fear in his eyes. He held me there, his breathing heavy and laboured, and it was only when I noticed Max adjusting himself and the look of panic on his face, that I realised what I had interrupted.

“Oh god! I’m so sorry.” I stuttered. I shook his hands off me and raced out of the room, embarrassed both for them, and for myself. I ran down the stairs, through the kitchen and out of the door. I locked myself in the car and drove... not far...just away from there, anywhere away from what I had just seen.

I stopped at my favourite coffee shop. They would be sick of the sight of me before so long. I seemed to spend most of my time in there these days. I took a table by the window and nursed a steaming mug of hot chocolate with lashings of cream. I needed it. Today had been a shitter of a day. I fumbled in my bag for my phone and fired off a quick text to Max.

Im so sorry. I should have called you before barging in like that.

He text back immediately...

Where are you princess? Im sorry you had to see me like that.

It wasn’t his fault. He always tried to put things right. It was one of the things I loved about him, and I smiled at his text before replying.

Im okay...drowning my sorrows in hot chocolate. Had a bad day. See you at home?

I put my phone back in my bag and sat back in the comfy chair watching the world pass by outside.  I yawned, it had been a long day today and after my late night last night I was looking forward to getting into bed. My phone beeped from my bag and I reached in for it. I pulled it out along with Dominic’s card. My heart skipped a beat when I thought of him. I wondered what would happen if I rang the number now. Would he come for me? I shoved it back in my bag and checked my phone.

Im leaving Sara to lock up. Home by 9. Shall I bring cake?

I laughed as I sent back...

Stupid question : )

I wasted the rest of the day by going back and cleaning the house for Max, not that it needed it. The man was a domestic God. I had never seen a lived in home look so clean, in fact the only mess was caused by me. I popped a bottle of wine in the fridge to chill for later. I had the feeling we were going to be having a bit of a heart to heart when Max got home.

I ran a bubble bath and settled down with my kindle. If my own life was going to turn out so crap at least I could lose myself in a literary fantasy.  I was in the middle of a frankly insipid sex scene; well that’s how it seemed after my own recent experiences, when my phone rang. I glanced at the screen to see it was Ellie and I hit the answer button followed by the loud speaker.

“Ellie, sweetheart.” I greeted her, putting the kindle down on the floor.

“Mum?” She sounded worried. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine darling, please don’t worry.” I tried to sound as reassuring as I could. “I’m staying with Uncle Max for a while.”

“Dad says you have taken leave of your senses...” she said.

I seethed silently. He would say that wouldn’t he? He couldn’t just admit to our children that he was in the wrong.

“I really haven’t Ellie. Everything is okay.” I kept my voice as soothing as possible. I didn’t want her to worry. “We are just having a few issues that’s all. I’m staying here so that Dad can have some space to think.”  Though I felt dreadful for not telling her the truth about our break up, I really didn’t want to let her in on the full extent of ‘our issues’ until I could speak with her face to face.

“I’m coming home next weekend.” She didn’t seem very happy about it. “Do I have to stay with Dad?” She went quiet.

“No darling, I will speak to Max and you can stay with me...” she didn’t respond. “Okay?” I asked.

“Thanks Mum.” She spoke to someone at the other end of the phone before continuing. “I love you.”

“I love you too Ellie.” I missed her terribly, I was excited to see her at the weekend, but I wasn’t looking forward to telling her everything. No child should have to hear that their parents are splitting up. I guess we would just end up being another broken family for the government statistics.

She ended the call and I slipped down under the water. Perhaps I could just hide out here in the bubbles forever.

I jumped as I heard the front door open. ‘Fuck!’ It was freezing and my skin was wrinkled. I shivered as I lifted myself out of the now tepid water and wrapped myself in my dressing gown, grabbing a towel for my hair.

“Elise.” Max called up the stairs.

“I’m here” I called back in response as I reached the top of the stairs. “I’m just going to dry my hair and I will be down.” I told him. “Open the bottle that’s in the fridge.”

He grinned, slung his coat on the carved rack by the door and went into the kitchen. I quickly threw some pyjamas on and rough dried my hair, scooping it up on top of my head in a clip. I sneaked up behind him in the kitchen and wrapped my arms around his waist. I rested my head on his back and sighed.

“I’m sorry about today.” I apologised again.

He gave my hand a squeeze, then turned round, handing me a glass of wine and smiled.

“It’s really okay.” He said softly, “But I guess I really do have to fill you in now don’t I?”

I nodded.

“Come on then.” He handed me a plate with the biggest piece of salted caramel cake I have ever seen and a fork, and we went through to the lounge. It was warm and cosy; Max had lit the fire and switched the lamps on. I loved this room and I adored it when we both sat on the fluffy rug by the hearth curling our legs up like teenagers.

I speared a huge forkful of the gooey cake and popped it in my mouth making appreciative noises as I did so. Max just watched me and didn’t touch his.

“If you think I won’t eat yours too you are sorely mistaken Max.” I laughed.  “Eat!”

I winked at him and he picked up his fork too.

“It’s okay, you know. I won’t judge you.”  I told him. I felt a warm affection towards Max. He was always there for me in times of need, and I tried to do the same for him. Not that he needed me much. He always seemed to have his shit together...until now.

“He is married.” He said.

I stopped eating and looked at him in shock.

“Close your mouth princess, that cake does not look appetising when its half chewed.” He picked up his wine glass and let out a huge sigh as I gulped down the mouthful of cake.

“Wow. I wasn’t expecting you to say that.” I blinked at him. “And how do you come into this then?”

He glugged more wine before looking at me with a tear in his eyes.

“I love him.” He admitted. “To him, I’m just a body. Someone to act out his fantasies on. Someone to submit to his desires.” He looked dejected, defeated. His shoulders slumped as he spoke. “His wife is a frigid bitch. She has no idea what turns him on. So he uses me.” He looked into my eyes. “And I let him Elise. What does that make me?”

I moved over to him and snuggled into his arms.

“It makes you eager to please someone that you love Max. That’s all.” I looked up to him. My friend, strong and handsome, reduced to tears by another man.

“He nearly crapped himself when you burst in today.”  He spoke as he unclipped my hair and wrapped his fingers round and round in the strands. “He thinks everyone is going to tell his wife that he is gay.” He sighed again.  “That’s why I usually only see him at the club. It’s a safe place there.”

“How did you meet him?” I asked, reaching for the bottle and topping up his now empty glass.

“He came into the restaurant with his wife.” He raised his glass to mine. “Can you believe that it’s her favourite fucking place?”

I laughed.

“It’s everyone’s favourite place Max.” I told him with pride.

“Anyway...she doesn’t understand him, blah blah.” He spoke with pure sarcasm. “And she is a total bore in the bedroom. He once told me that she lay on her back and asked him to pull her nightdress down when he had finished.”

That had me. I laughed so hard that the wine in my mouth sprayed all over both of us. We were laughing hysterically with tears rolling down our cheeks.

“No wonder he wants you then.” I squeezed his knee affectionately.

“So come on...if we are bearing all...” Max gave me a little shove so I was sitting. I turned to face him. “How do you know Dom the dom?” He raised his eyebrow.

“It’s really not important.” I swirled the glass in my hand and focused on the glossy liquid clinging to the sides of the glass. “He rescued me when I had cramp during an early morning run, that’s all.” I brought the glass to my lips and drained it, holding it up for a refill. Max picked up the bottle and held it over the glass.