Authors: Chuck Stepanek
“No.” This was daddy. He frowned and considered his next statement. “I saw.” He then repeated his now once-practiced disclosure. “Father Milliken Fucked Corky.”
It took another 20 minutes for daddy to describe the ten seconds that he had observed. Mommy sat at the table, wrung her hands and shook her head. Her mind was not with her son who sat sniveling in bathwater now too cold for comfort. Her concern was singular. What would they do without a church. Certainly
they couldn’t go back. The priest might – might do something – might say something. Switching to another catholic church would bring up questions. Another faith – Lutheran? Baptist? Out of the question.
She rose; looked at the sink, at the coffee pot, at the cupboard. None radiated their magnetic draw. She was for the moment, symptom free. “I’ll put him to bed.” Her one expression of motherly concern ended up being one that she wouldn’t have to perform.
Around the time that mommy was finally coming to believe the events of the evening, Corky had reached his own milestone. He had dropped far, far down that black well with all of the images swimming around him. And there he found a place where he would bury those images—deep, deep inside, so deep that they would never be seen again. But little did he know that there were other things that he would leave buried in that rotted cellar. His innocence for one. His trust in adults another. A big chunk of his social skills (albeit meager to begin with) would also be left behind.
Then as suddenly as he had dropped into that bottomless pit, he rose out again to his world of the bathroom. He felt lighter somehow, the events of the night, and the weight of those events that had tormented his mind were now gone. Well, maybe not gone, but moved – hidden, in a safe place. Maybe they had moved to his stomach, or maybe into his chest; hidden cleverly behind his heart. His mind was free. For now.
These things he didn’t think, but felt. The events of the evening were gone, hidden from view. But they were not forgotten. A day would come when those memories would claw their way out of the darkness, but not today. Right now, all he knew was that he was in the tub and that he was sniveling. There had to be a reason.
He looked down at the bathwater (which was now more brownish than red) as if for the first time. He had shit himself,
(Not surprising considering what he had endured.) the brown diarrhea effectively masking the blood. Had it not, it may have re-triggered those images to come flying back up out of the dark place in which they were hidden.
He was still clearly shaken. But like many a victim of severe trauma he had blacked out every conscious memory of the savage attack. All that had happened tonight was that he had pooped his pants and he had cried about it. That’s all there was to it. He had pooped himself and been placed in the tub to clean up.
The Palmolive squirt bottle bobbed lazily on the brown water. Normally it would be great fun to fill it up and squirt a jet of water in the tub. But this was poopy water. Besides, it was getting cold.
Corky reached for the chain of silver bb’s that lead to the plug. He gave it a yank and the water receded. He stepped from the tub, a light scrim of feces still clinging to his bottom half, and reached for the only towel in sight – a dark blue hand towel hooked next to the sink.
Toweling off was a quick job but not an easy one. Having not submerged lower than his belly button there was only his bottom half to deal with. His preschool awkwardness prevented him from standing upright to do the job. So he sat on the throw rug and wiped in haphazard fashion.
The water had now vacated the tub except for an arrow of brown sludge. The base of the arrow started broadly and faintly at the back of the tub, sluiced around the Palmolive bottle, then narrowed and darkened as it pointed to the mouth of the drain. It would dry and remain that way until the next time mommy took her monthly bath.
By providence, the throw rug that corky sat upon was even darker than the hand towel. Thus, the stain of blood and shit that he left on both were masked by the hue of the latter. Had either
the towel or rug been lily white,
like his experience in the tub, the sight of blood may have rocked him to memory of his savage experience. And though he was still bleeding, the flow had ebbed to a slight trickle, aided by the remnants of feces clotting the rim of his anus.
Dried but not done.
Normally after a bath he would clamber into the same odiferous clothes that had covered his body pre-bath. But his clothes were no longer there. The question of where his clothes had gone was one his mind could not process. Nor did he exert much effort in trying to find the answer. He had no memory of removing his clothes, leaving them on the floor or even the act of shitting his pants that had brought him to where he was right now. Preschool minds are not wired to look back, or to even look very far forward. All that matters is now.
He then noticed the curiosity of the closed bathroom door. This was a little more unsettling than the vanishing clothes. The bathroom door was
never
closed. From way, way deep inside him, from a place where you bury the dark matter and then seal it shut for eternity,
(Don’t go there
!
You don’t want to go there
!)
a muffled voice was trying to scream. Had Corky been able to hear the voice he would have recognized it as his own. He visibly quivered; then startled himself as if waking from a trance. “Cold.” He said. In one motion he wrapped his arms around his thin chest, crossed his legs tightly and stood on tiptoe. The primitive human need for warmth was stronger and the voice from deep inside him succumbed.
Turning the door handle pleased him in its novelty and bothered him in its foreignness. Both feelings were quickly dismissed as he opened the door and even colder air greeted him in the hallway. He needed clothes!
And he needed TV.
6
They resolved the matter in the same way they resolved all of their matters. Daddy, intellectually exhausted, drifted off to the coat closet to stow his winter
-
wear in a prominent place so he would not be challenged finding it the next morning. Mommy, now somewhat back to her old self, paraded around her kitchen, touching her talismans and wringing her hands. It had gone unspoken that yes, they would be going to church on Sunday, and again the next Sunday and the next. It had also gone unspoken that they would not confront Father Milliken. The art of avoidance was a talent that they had both honed and practiced to a standard of excellence.
Father Milliken
could
be avoided. Church, on the other hand, could
not
be missed. Without the necessity of words they independently concluded that each Sun
day, as they exited church, if F
ather Milliken was stationed on the left side, they would sidle to the right. If he was on the right, they would veer left. And if perchance the padre were to acknowledge them and move their way? Well, daddy could examine his keys and mommy could busy herself with whichever nostril held the most promise.
It would be as if nothing had happened.
7
Corky darted out of the bathroom and scampered to his room naked and on tiptoe. To his good fortune a shirt was lying at the foot of his bed and this he was able to put on quickly.
Better.
It made the job of wrestling out the heavy dresser drawer more tolerable. He tugged the drawer out far enough so he could snake his hand in and paw out underwear and a pair of pants. He didn’t sit on the floor to put these on. (too cold!) Nor did he
prop himself against the edge of the bed to work through the sequence of one leg after another. Unabashedly he ran out of the room bare-assed, clutching his clothes against his chest with one destination in mind. The TV.
It had been a strange night. He had shit himself but couldn’t remember doing it. His clothes had vanished during his bath. The bathroom door had been shut. And now – now there was this! The TV was off! The only time the TV was off was when they went to bed at night or on Sunday when they went to…
(Don’t go there
!
You don’t want to go there
!
)
Broken. It had to be broken.
Corky was still plenty cold but more important matters were at hand. He dropped his clothes in the spot where he always sat (as if saving a seat for himself) and inspected the back of the set. Yes, it was plugged in, yes, the housing was intact, no there wasn’t water dripping into the breather slots and daddy was not
… (Don’t go there
!
You don’t want to go there
!
)
Numb, and not entirely from the cold, Corky tried to piece it together. He had shit himself, the TV was off, and his bottom… his bottom ached something fierce. Had he been spanked? Had he done something very, very bad. So bad that he couldn’t remember it. Tears tried to well up
(Don’t go there
!
You don’t want to go there
!
)
No! If he cried he would remember! He did not want to remember.
TV. He
needed
TV. Non blaming, non judgmental, alive, warm, nurturing. He turned on the knob.
The vacuum tubes began humming like a mother coddling her newborn. Then a blot of light appeared in the center of the screen like a star in heav-…
(Don’t go there
!
You don’t want to go there
!
)
…like a train lantern, yes, like Casey. The light widened and the edges of the screen began to illuminate. Shadows became shapes, shapes became forms, forms became people. And then there was the voice of the red skeleton playing a scene as Freddy the Freeloader.
Corky exhaled and started on his clothes. In spite of the cold, he was unable to hurry. It would all have to be done by feel. He didn’t dare to take his eyes off the screen. Otherwise he would…
(Don’t go there
!
You don’t want to go there
!)
…otherwise he would… well he would miss something.
Eventually, fully clothed, he slumped to the floor and felt immediate pain from his bottom. He rolled to his side, eyes never leaving the comforting glow of the picture tube. He tucked his legs up tight and crossed his arms.
The glow of the picture tube flooded his mind, soothing, easing, masking whatever bad things that may have been there with an electric corona of comfort. The TV quickly gained a foothold on his consciousness and then pushed deeper. From inside the boy, pools of black evil repelled the assault, straining to break from the barricaded room to which they had been entombed; willing themselves to be recognized, dealt with, resolved.
But the power of the set was stronger. It countered with promises: ‘I will give you unending distraction. I will tell you what to do, how to feel. Take in my warm glow, listen to my laugh track. Ignore what you feel inside.’ Greedily and subconsciously, Corky absorbed the messages. Each line of dialogue and new camera angle of the skeleton drove the black pool of evil into deeper and dimmer reaches of his being.
And then there were the blessed commercials. Gentle Mister Lipton smiling under the brim of his captain’s hat, assuring that all was right in the world when one was dipping a teabag into a cup of steaming water. Comical Mister Peanut, strutting with his monocle and cane, peddling the goodness of his dry roasted peanuts.
Defeated, the last stubborn fibers of black evil finally succumbed and released their tentacles from the boys brain. The mass plummeted down a labyrinth where memories should never be allowed to return. The door slammed shut, the gaps sealed, the bolts secure.
Within minutes, Corky was asleep.
His parents, unequipped to deal with their new dilemma, or perhaps each thinking the other would take care of it, left him there, and wordlessly went to bed.