Always - A short tale of erotic discovery (4 page)

I was driving home slowly. My head was
pounding so much, the pain behind my eye balls was unbearable. I
didn’t want to have an accident on the way home either. I was glad
when I finally arrived home still in one piece. I so wanted to grab
some Advil for my headache, take a hot soothing bath and then have
a lie down. I needed peace and quiet so badly. I was hoping my
headache would be gone before Billy Ray got home from work.

I heard a noise snapping me back to reality.
It made me gasp sharply since I was the only one that should be
home. I was down in the kitchen. Alone. It sounded like something
getting knocked over and sounding like the noise was coming from
the direction of my bedroom.

I grabbed the nearest thing to me, the hair
brush I had left on the counter. A brush, God knows what harm I
thought I was going to do to a burglar with that…especially if they
were armed and dangerous as well.

Cautiously, I began tiptoeing my way down the
hallway. My brush ready in hand, I headed in the direction of my
bedroom. I reached the closed bedroom door. I held my breath
looking at the door knob. I tried to listen through the door for
any noises from inside but my pounding headache along with my
pounding heart I couldn’t hear anything coming from anywhere.

Finally gathering up my courage. I finally
put my hand gently on the door handle. I flung the door open, with
my brush ready for whatever evil that lay within. There laying in
our bed, now obviously stunned by my sudden appearance, were my
Billy Ray and my best friend Baylee.

I gasped with the sudden shock seeing the two
of them laying there naked in my bed during their sex act. Sucking
in a big breath of disbelief, my heart stopped beating for a moment
at the shock and betrayal happening at the same time. I looked in
stunned horror at the sight before my eyes: both of them there
soiling my sheets, in my bed in the house I shared with the love of
my life, my Billy Ray.

Baylee saw me first standing there and
started screaming while trying to struggle to get out from under
Billy Ray. Repeating over and over again “Oh my god! Oh my god! No,
no, no!”

Billy quickly looked around to see what
she was screaming at. He realized soon enough that it was my sudden
appearance during their passionate moment that caused Baylee to
lose it. Their moment of bliss interrupted as I stood there. Me. In
my house. In my bedroom.
How dare
they?

Quickly jumping up in shock with horror
written all over his face, he fumbled to find his clothes.

Meanwhile Baylee at least had the decency to
pull the sheet up to cover herself. Still continuing to yell “Oh my
god! Oh my god!” while shaking her head in disbelief at what was
happening, she couldn’t get untangled fast enough to get either her
clothes on or vanish in thin air. And it wasn’t like he was going
to help her I thought.

I had to cover my ears. I couldn’t bear to
hear it anymore so I screamed. Squeezing my eyes shut trying to
forget what I just seen. I just want to rewind the moment.
Unfortunately, I knew I was going to be forever haunted by what I
had just witnessed. I couldn’t get the scene out of my head. I
could still picture the two of them with my eyes closed tight. The
image burned in my mind and in my heart. Both of them had betrayed
me. I may have been abused and belittled. I had recovered somewhat
from that. Now I had been betrayed and hurt more by the two people
who I thought loved me. Which felt much worse to me than any of the
physical hurt and abuse I had lived through before in my life. I
felt my heart had been ripped out of my chest and made to watch it
get stamped on. Here was my trust getting waved mockingly at me
too. I was beyond stunned and speechless. Just numb, so numb.

Dropping the brush on the floor. I felt my
hands begin to clench into fists. So tight my knuckles were turning
white. I felt myself falling to the floor in a sorry heap. My legs
all rubberlike no longer having any strength, nor the energy to
carry me fleeing screaming from the bedroom. My emotions were
overwhelming me thus me paralyzing with pain and shock.

My heart was shattering into a million pieces
and with it, my world collapsing all around me. The two people I
thought I could trust most in my whole life were messing around in
my bed, the bed I shared with the love of my life. I could feel the
steel starting to form again ready to close around my heart
imprisoning it once again. For how long this time? I knew it would
be forever this time. Now nothing would be able to free it ever
again. I doubled over, uncaring as my heart died forever at that
exact moment. I curled up in a ball, on the floor, tears flooding
down my face and a million emotions overwhelming me.

I broke out in uncontrollable sobbing. I
couldn’t help it. My life was hurting and it wasn’t my fault. What
had I done wrong? My life, once a void and made better now was
going to be empty once again. Me alone with my lonely imprisoned
heart again, without Billy Ray, he had betrayed me and there was no
going back…no going back to seek comfort nor counsel from Baylee
either, she too had betrayed me. Once again back to my imperfect
self of my younger days. I thought no one would ever dare to break
my loving heart ever again. I was wrong; he just did in one foul
swoop, they both did.

I don’t know how long I lay there in a tight
ball sobbing for my broken heart, and my broken life. It could have
been a second, a minute, a lifetime, I didn’t care.

He finally moved away from her and the bed
coming over to where I lay. He knelt down next to me taking hold of
my hand, putting it up to his cheek. Vaguely hearing him through my
haze as he was crying at me about how sorry he was. He said he was
so sorry again and again. He promised he was going to make things
alright once again. It would never ever happen again as far as I
was concerned. He was going to make things alright with us again he
promised. I couldn’t make out the exact words as it all sounded
like I was in an echo chamber. How could he? It would certainly
never happen again as far as I was concerned. I didn’t know, if I
could ever believe those words coming out of his mouth. My beau,
the love of my life, had finally broken me forever, his words were
nothing but empty now, meaningless. All we had built up over the
past few months destroyed by an act of passion with someone
else.

I don’t think I could ever come back again
this time: all the old emotions, the flashbacks of those events
from the past that had so hurt me, all the empty words all came
flooding back in a huge wave. My flame, which had been burning
brightly, was extinguished forever this time. It had taken the last
bit of damage it could ever take again. It was now irrevocably
damaged. All these thoughts rushing by me at light speed.

I could hear him from afar yelling at her to
leave now. I heard her yelling back she couldn’t. She’d got dropped
off. She’d needed someone to give her a ride home. It was too far
for her to walk home alone and was night on top of that. Obviously
she also decided now would be a good time to get up from the bed
and get herself dressed. So much damage done and she was worried
about her ride home? She couldn’t leave fast enough. Neither could
he.

Sighing as he pulled me up onto his lap from
where I lay on the floor, he cradled me in his arms. He carried me
over to the sofa in the lounge. He put me gently down. He could
have dropped me and I wouldn’t have felt a thing. I was glad. He at
least hadn’t put me in our bed which he’d just soiled with her.
Suddenly I wondered if they’d done it there before and how often
making me feel sick to the stomach. At this point, it just didn’t
matter anymore. Grimacing with pain at that thought, I never wanted
to know. Not now. Not ever.

He bent down whispering in my ear “Sorry
baby! I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking it just
happened.” I felt his tears wetting my face. “Look baby, I’m so
sorry. I’ll have to leave you for a little bit okay! Just to go
take Baylee home. I’ll come right back I promise. We’ll talk then
okay. I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I swear to god, I will
never do this to you ever again. Oh god what have I done” rubbing
his hands on his face.

I just lay there on the sofa. Still
stunned. More Numb. No longer sobbing. Only silent tears pouring
down my face once again. I felt so alone, lonely, unwanted, now he
was leaving me again to take
her
home. He would be alone with
her
once again.
Why
couldn’t he stay with me
?
I
was the broken one here, wasn’t I? Surely he could find someone
else to take her home
.
Call
her a damn taxi!
Make the bitch wait
outside!

Guess I knew then at that moment, despite
what he said, where I stood in his heart and in life.

Rejected once again. I felt in my current
emotional shattered state, I was ready to give up.

Giving me a rushed kiss on the cheek, I heard
the two of them leave. The door slamming, the truck doors being
opened and slamming too, his truck starting then driving away.

Finally deciding I was unable to take
anymore, I finally found some strength to get up off the sofa.
Staggering along on shaky legs, I made my way to the bathroom. I
finally knew what I was going to do. This was the point of no
return. What did I have to return to? More lies, more betrayal or
his weak attempts to cover it all up? No, I knew what I had to
do.

Going through the medicine cabinet, I pulled
all the tablets out. I grabbed the glass on the counter to fill it
with water. I shakily undid the lid on the first bottle. I didn’t
even know what they were. I didn’t bother to read the labels. I
just wanted to pour all the pills in my hand then put them all in
my mouth. At once. I did so quickly with the water I had in the
glass, slipping lots on the countertop. Grabbing the next bottle, I
was soon pouring more pills in my hand swallowing them down to join
the first lot. Then again with another bottle, dropping some on the
floor since my hands were shaking so much. Tears continued to pour
down my face….damn him, he had finally wrecked me. Broken me. Maybe
forever this time. I wanted this pain to stop. Now and forever.

I figured that would probably be enough. I
left the bathroom. I began walking shakily, slowly, sobbing again
while on my way to the front door taking in the room trying to
memorize everything in its place. Unable to see through my tears. I
needed the wall for support. I sent some ornaments flying when I
banged into the hall table. I fell to my knees. I began crawling
the rest of the way to the door since I couldn’t trust my legs.
What could I trust now?

Why me? Why did Billy Ray
and Baylee do this to me?
Why? Why?
Why?
Questions that I’ll never hear any answer to, nor
believe now anyway. Both knew my past. Still, they did this to
me.

Finally reaching the front door. I grabbed
hold of the handle to pull myself up on my shaky legs.

I began walking out the front door without
even a backward glance. I wasn’t going backwards, just forward. I
soon found myself walking across the garden towards the tall
cornfields. Where I knew nobody would see me walking among the tall
stalks. I was walking through them running my hands along their
leaves. I walked along maybe trying to feel something. Nothing. I
was starting to feel dizzy now, along with feeling very shaky.

I found a spot to lay down in. Very
lightheaded, I was feeling like I was going to pass out at any
point. I dropped to my knees, crying. Again. Feeling so hurt, empty
and broken. Before falling to all fours as my strength began to
leave me, I collapsed on my side feeling like I was in a misty
dreamy state. It made me finally smile.

Finally I would soon be happy. No longer a
broken hearted shell. No longer having to feel any more pain. No
more people betraying me or causing me pain. No more having to live
with this steel imprisoned heart of mine. No more lies, no more
pain, nothing. I would soon be free forever.

My eyelids were starting to feel so heavy
now. I was starting to feel so tired like I was going to faint
anytime soon. Everything was spinning but still at the same time. I
looked around getting one lasting glimpse of the cornfields in the
sun but unable to focus. I saw just a blur of colors.

I could feel the heat of the sun against my
skin but nothing else as the world around me was becoming way more
out of focus. I was no longer trying nor willing to see it.

My eyes closed as I felt like I was slipping
into a void. Billy Ray’s words echoing in my thoughts, remembering
and reliving his last kiss this morning tasting of coffee. “I will
always love you forever Billy Ray.” I had told him.

My world collapsing on me. No longer feeling
anything. My breathing becoming more labored now. Everything was
getting so dark despite staring at the bright sky. I’m so tired I
can’t even keep my eyes open anymore. My last gasp coming as I
breathe a deep sigh. I felt overtaken by a peace like I had never
known before.

After a moment of darkness lasting how long,
I do not know. I suddenly see and feel the brightest light
surrounding me after all my darkness. A light so soft, bright and
so warm. I feel so light, free in my heart and in my soul such pure
happiness. Ah, pure happiness like I had never known before. Here,
I will be safe forever now. I can sense it deep inside me. No one
can hurt me anymore. No one will betray me. No one will tell me
lies. No more false hopes. Not in this place I find myself in.