Always and Forever (30 page)

A whole lot more action ensued, and not all that much talking.

*   *   *

Afterward, I lay curled into his side, his arms fastened loosely around me as his fingers danced lazily up and down my spine. I turned my head, my ear still pressed to his chest where his heart thumped steadily beneath me, and smiled up at him. “You're looking pretty pleased with yourself.”

A cat-like grin cracked his face in half as he nodded. “It's not every day that a guy makes his girl scream in ecstasy.”

I snorted out a laugh. “I didn't scream, and besides, I just wanted you to feel good about yourself, bolster the old self-esteem.”

“Really?” Up went one irritating brow. “‘
Kal…oh God, Kal!’
” he mimicked in a high falsetto. “That wasn't you?”

“Stop. I did not sound like that.” I swatted him in the chest, pushed up and away from him, and clutched the sheet to my naked body. Even though we'd just spent some quality time getting to know each other in every possible way, I was still a little shy in the aftermath.

He reached down, scooped his discarded shirt up off the floor, and handed it to me with a smirk. “Where are you going?” he asked. “And, can I come, too?”

“Shower,” I tossed out, scooting off the bed. One thing books and movies don't tell you about sex is just how messy it really is. Snuggling up close to Kal was great and all, but I preferred to do that when I didn't feel so sticky. “You can come, too, but only if you behave yourself.”

He threw his hands up in surrender as he trailed into the bathroom behind me, but I didn't miss the wicked gleam in his eyes.

Ten minutes later, shower over, he wrapped me up in a fluffy white towel, choosing a navy one for himself. I left him to rummage through the medicine cabinet for mouthwash while I went off in search of clothes.

A wave of dizziness rolled over me as I opened up the top dresser drawer. Clutching the top of the bureau, my eyes slid closed as I waited for the moment to pass.

But it didn't. Not by a long shot.

Suddenly, my knees buckled out from under me, and I crashed to the floor. Gray clouded my brain as spasms wracked my body.
What was happening to me?
I opened my mouth to call out to Kal, but my tongue was swollen, like I'd been stung by a particularly angry bee. My lips refused to move, and the darkness closed in.

I tried once more to call out to him, but there was no use. My mind was no longer in control as my body writhed and flopped all over the floor. This was it. This was how it all would end. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye.

Kal…

PART FIVE: ACCEPTANCE

T
HIRTY
-F
OUR

EVERYTHING WAS SHROUDED
in a hazy, cloudy white when I came to. The first thing that penetrated the thick fog I lay buried under was the incessant beeping of the monitor beside my bed. Couldn't they have come up with a less annoying sound for those things to make?

“Kal,” I mumbled around dry, cracked lips and a thick, swollen tongue. “Kal?” I tried to lift my head up, open my eyes wider, but everything was just too blurry, and my head weighed about a thousand pounds.

A shuffling to my right and then his warm hand curled around mine. the fingers of his other hand slid through my hair. “I'm right here, baby,” he murmured. His hot breath caressed my cheek as he leaned in close. “I'm right here. And, your parents are just outside, talking to the doctor. They'll be back in a moment.”

“I'm here, too, Mia,” Ben said from somewhere near the end of the bed, his words clogged with overwhelming emotion. His hand dropped onto my ankle, squeezed.

“Hey, Benj.” I tried to aim a smile in his direction, but failed miserably. He shouldn't have to witness this. “Kal, why can't I see?” I moaned, pathetically. “Everything's so blurry, and my head hurts.” I tried to raise my left hand up to cradle my aching skull, but it, too, was encased in the thickest concrete.

“That's just the medicine,” Kal hurried to assure me. “Dr. Shreve says it'll wear off in a little while.”

“Then, I'll be able to see you? And move my arm?” Again, I tried to lift it. Nothing but dead weight.

“Your arm?” he echoed, a note of panic in his voice. “Which one? Can you feel this?” He squeezed my hand.

“Yeah.” I nodded, fear spiraling through me.
What was
happening?
“It's the other one. The left one. I can feel that,” I told him when he leaned over me and skimmed his fingers along my arm.

“Then, I'm sure it's nothing to worry about,” he mumbled weakly.

“I'll go get Mom,” Ben announced, his hand leaving my ankle.

“What happened, Kal?” I cringed a little as I awaited his answer. I was pretty sure I already knew.

“You had a seizure,” he said after a beat of tense silence. “When you went down, you hit your head on the bed post. I'm not sure how long you were seizing while I was in the bathroom, but when I found you, you were in a grand mal. I didn't…I couldn't help you.”

I didn't know much about medicine, but even I knew that grand mals were the worst type of seizure to have. The kind where the body went completely apeshit, and there was nothing you could do. I'd probably peed all over myself. And Kal got to witness that. Nice.

“It took the EMTs a while to get you stabilized,” he continued on a tortured sob. “Dad said it was one of the worst he'd ever seen. Mia, we almost lost you, and it was all my fault!”

“No, Kal, it wasn't—”

“Yes, it was. Damn it, Mia. I knew better than to do anything like that with you. I knew better, and yet, I did it anyway!”

“Well, it takes two.” I held tight to his hand when he tried to pull away.

“I didn't have to go along with it.”

“Kal, you need to stop beating yourself up over this. You didn't cause me to have a seizure. This is not your fault.”

“You're awake,” Mom cried from across the room. A blur of color flashed before my eyes, and then she was on my left. Her arms hooked around me to pull me in close. “Oh, Mia, you had us all so worried, sweetheart.”

“I'm okay, Mom.” Once again, Kal tried to slip away, but I clutched at him. I wanted to hug Mom back, but I knew without even having the benefit of sight that my guy would make a run for it if I let
him go, and that just wasn't going to happen. “Really. I'm okay,” I assured her. “Just a little episode, and a bump on the head. I'll be walking out of here in no time.”

Mom went still then, like all the air had been sucked right out her.

“Mia, we need to talk,” Dad said, his voice broken and faded.

“That sounded a bit too ominous,” I muttered, hoping for a little humor. But there was none to be had.

“Kal, I think you should leave,” he said.

Kal got up to leave, tugged gently on his arm, but I held firm.

“Mia, let him go.”

“No.” If I could've glared at him effectively, I would have. Apparently, mean looks only work if you can actually see the object of your frustration. “I want him here with me.”

Kal tugged again, this time a little harder. “Mia, please,” he begged. “Let me go.”

I turned toward his voice, his beautiful face still one massively blurred shape. “Don't leave me,” I whispered to him as tears sprang up and spilled over. “Please stay.”

Dad growled low out one last warning that fell on deaf ears because I was done listening. Then, he heaved out a beleaguered sigh. “Fine,” he acquiesced in a weary tone. “He can stay.” And, Kal sat back down.

“Mia,” a new voice entered into the mix.

I brightened instantly. “Dr. Shreve,” I sighed. My hero. She'd make everything all better. She'd tell them there was nothing to worry about yet. “Tell them I'll be fine, and, tell him—” I jerked our entwined hands toward Kal. “—that he did not cause my seizure.”

“Mia—”

“And, while we're at it, when will my vision clear up? All this blurriness is making me kind of nauseous.”

“Mia, don't interrupt the doctor,” Dad scolded while Mom sobbed even louder.

“Oh. Sorry about that, Dr. Shreve.”

“It's alright, Mia. You have a lot of questions.” That was an understatement. “It's completely understandable.”

I just nodded and waited for her to continue.

“Alright then,” she said. “Mia, you had what's called a grand mal seizure—”

“Yeah, I know what they are,” I interrupted. “Uh, sorry about that.”

“That's alright. We got the seizure under control, but the drugs we had to give you do cause some vision issues. The effects should wear off shortly. Odds are the next time you awaken, you'll being seeing normally. You'll be very tired over the next few hours.” At which point, I yawned, unthinkingly emphasizing her words. “Now, as to the cause of the seizure.” She cleared her throat loudly. “It could've been caused by any number of things. Usually seizures occur when there is an unusual amount of stress placed on the body, like if you were lifting a heavy load or over-exercising or—”

“Having sex with your boyfriend,” Dad jumped in.

“There could very well have been other contributing factors,” Dr. Shreve rushed on. “What I'm saying, Mia, is that we don't really know for certain what caused your episode, but having intercourse probably didn't help matters. So, from now on, we'll need to limit your physical activities to just basic functions. No unnecessary, er, movements.”

“Okay,” I said because I really had no words to argue the point. Yeah, what Kal and I had done wasn't exactly the smartest move, considering my health, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't considered the possibility that something bad could've happened because of our actions. But I wasn't sorry. Not by a long shot. “When can I go home?”

“What we really need to talk about,” she said, ignoring my question completely, “are the results of these most recent MRIs. How have you been feeling lately? Any worsening symptoms?”

Slowly, I shook my head. “No, just the opposite. I've been feeling pretty good. I'm going to school, full days. Sleeping normal hours. Not too many headaches. It's been almost normal.”

“Hmm,” she hummed, considering my words. “No dizziness? Nausea? Vomiting? Lethargy?”

“None. I mean, not anything that I'd notice. Nowhere near what it was like right after the fall.” I shook my head, trying to push the blurred edges aside. Things were starting to come back into focus but just not as fast as I wanted them to. “What is this all about, Dr. Shreve? I'd think the lack of symptoms would be good news.”

“Ordinarily, yes,” she murmured.

“But?” I prodded, not really liking where this conversation was headed. I pulled Kal's hand into my lap, which extended out his arm so he had no choice but to scoot closer to me, even as Dad glowered at him.

She pursed her lips, still looking at the film. “I know you can't see this clearly.” She marched over to the lighted board and fixed the film into place, pointed toward a portion of the image. “But this is the tumor we've been keeping a close eye on ever since you were first diagnosed.” Dad followed her to the board and peered over her shoulder as she pointed it out. “Its close proximity to the motor cortex is well, troublesome, to say the least, and it's grown considerably over the last few months.”

“My arm,” I muttered.

“Your arm?” She whipped around, rushed over to my side, and made a grab for the hand that was clasped in Kal's. “This one?”

Slowly, I shook my head. “The left one. I can't seem to move it, but I can feel Mom leaning against it.”

A frown creased her forehead as she bent over me and picked up my hand. “Can you make a fist? Wiggle your fingers?”

Nope. It was nothing but dead weight.

She moved to the end of the bed and shoved back the blankets. Cool air swirled around my feet. “Wiggle your toes,” she commanded. As the lines on her forehead deepened, I knew it was so much worse than just a numb hand. She tucked the blankets back into place and shook her head. “You've lost motor function on your left side. We'll have to do some tests to confirm, but—”

“When will it come back?” I asked. “It's like my eyesight, right? It'll come back. It just might take a little longer.”

“It won't come back, Mia,” she told me, quietly.

“But—”

“I'm afraid it's permanent.”

And, it was then that I realized what she had yet to tell me. The terrible truth that had Mom crying buckets onto my shoulder, Ben huddled silently in the corner trying so hard to keep his own tears at bay, Kal drowning in a sea of despair, and Dad prowling the room, helplessness making him angrier and angrier by the second.

“How much longer do I have, Doc?”

“It's hard to say,” she hedged. Mom's wails almost drowned out her words.

“Best guess,” I snapped, done with all pretense. I needed to know. The
where
and the
how
were already abundantly clear. Now, I just needed the
when
.

“Days,” she told me, sadness drawing the word out. “Maybe a week, if we're lucky.”

“Okay,” I whispered, leaning my head against Mom's and squeezing Kal's fingers. Ben crawled up onto the bed with me, and his arm banded across my middle as he smashed his face into my belly. For once, Dad didn't tell him to get down, and that's what really made it all so real. Sucking in a ragged breath, I looked up toward Dr. Shreve. My vision finally became clear. “I don't want to die in the hospital. I want to go home.”

She opened her mouth to argue but then snapped it shut and nodded. “I'll contact hospice and get the paperwork started.” She turned to Dad. “Mr. Gordon, I'll need to go over a few things with you and your wife when you're feeling up to it.”

Dad nodded his acknowledgement and watched her retreat from the room. Then, he staggered over to the bed and enveloped Ben, Mom, and me in a fierce hug. We stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity, the four of us cocooned in our grief.

The end was so much closer than I imagined. I guess I should have been more upset, begging for just a little more time here with the people that I loved most. More time spent fooling around with Ben, trolling bookstores with Mom, watching TV with Dad, and just being with Kal. I could beg and plead for more.
Just one more day. Just one more hour. Just one more minute.
But in this moment, a weird kind of serenity descended upon me. This is what it all came down to. My entire life measured, not in years, but in the fierceness with which my family held onto me. Their love surrounded me, protected me, lifted me, raised me up high so I could fly. It was almost freeing.