Always Beautiful (23 page)

I bent down and placed a kiss directly on Zeppelin’s parted lips. They too were warm like the rest of him. “I’ll be back soon. I love you.” I spoke softly in his ear before straightening. Releasing his hands, I tried to ignore the sense of cold that flowed through me. Hopefully I would be able to come back tomorrow. Dixon placed his arm around my waist and we stepped out in to the hallway. Both Henry and Kathryn leaned against the wall, their faces looking tired.

“Thank you for allowing me to have some time with him.” I said. Kathryn gave me a short smile. “Of course Lucky, he would have wanted that.” She said. Dixon cleared his throat. “May we come see him again, tomorrow?” He asked. Kathryn nodded and looked at her husband. Henry glanced between Dixon and I and then gave a swift nod. “Visiting hours start around one. You are welcome to come back then.” He said. “Thank you.” I replied. A small amount of weight lifted from my chest in knowing I could see Zeppelin again.

After hugging both Henry and Kathryn goodbye and her promising that she would call me if there was any change, we left the hospital. My body was tired and my eyes were heavy but my mind and my heart were full of Zeppelin; thoughts of him and love for him. All I could do was pray that he would come out of this stronger than ever. I just wanted to be able to at least hear his voice one more time. I wanted to know that he was sure of my love for him and that when I said those words I meant them with my entire heart.

Chapter 12

~Present Day~

The first time that I thought I lost Zeppelin was when he said goodbye to me on the beach. The pain was excruciating at the time and hard to handle. Seeing him lying in a hospital bed, frail and thin, that was unbearable. That was a different kind of pain. It wasn’t the pain for me. It was the ache in my heart for him and knowing that what he was dealing with was far worse than anything I had ever endured.

Thinking back on it now still formed a dull ache in my chest, a bundle of nerves deep in my belly. I turned toward the full length mirror in my tiny room and looked at myself. I took in the way my chestnut hair fell past my shoulders, below my chest, the loose waves that ran perfectly in order.

I stepped closer and gazed into my own eyes, taking in the way they seemed to glisten and sparkle. The green in them was amplified by the smoky shadow and liner that Hannah had applied hours ago. Despite the crying I had done before and after, it still looked great. I smiled at myself and licked my glossy, honey colored lips. I took a deep breath in and let it out as my eyes traveled down the length of the black dress I wore.

It fit my body perfectly as if it were made for only me. The top half of the dress was sleeveless with a deep V-neck cut in the front. It was a lacey material that showed hints of my skin in the torso. My eye caught the shimmering of the necklace I wore. It was a delicate rose gold chain with a ring hanging from it. The ring was mine that Zeppelin had given to me on a very special night. It was adorned with a small diamond and the band looked like the wing of an angel.

My smile widened as I fingered the ring and thought about the night he had given me this. I stepped back from the mirror so that I could examine the full skirt that bloomed from my waist down to my feet. This part of the dress was different from the top. It was a tulle material that was not only black, but also had a champagne color throughout as well.

Just a little while longer and all of this waiting, all of these thoughts that filled my head and doubts would go away. I shifted my eyes to the clock on the wall and sighed. The waiting is always the hardest part. I was used to waiting though. Even if I had to wait forever to see Zeppelin again, eventually I knew that I would.

~September 2012~

“He’s awake.” Dixon said simply. My eyes went wide and gripped the door handle tighter for support. “Can we see him?” I managed to utter in a breathless voice. Dixon nodded and then his brow furrowed. “Kathryn said that she told him we were in Seattle. He was asking about you and she said he wasn’t happy.”

My face fell into a frown and I looked down at the gray carpet of the hotel room. I shook my head and ran a hand through my hair. “Why doesn’t he want me Dixon?” My cousin stepped forward and placed a hand on my shoulder. “Lucky, you know it isn’t that he doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want you hurting.” I lifted my eyes to his. “I don’t care how I feel about this and he shouldn’t either. Do you think it will upset him to see me?” I wondered.

“I honestly don’t know, but Kathryn said that we are welcome to go down there and visit if we’d like. I guess all you can do is try and see what happens.” He said. I chewed on my bottom lip and thought about what it might do to Zeppelin to see me. He had to understand how much I wanted him still whether he was sick or not. I wouldn’t risk losing him again and I sure as hell wasn’t going to give up without a fight.

Dixon and I had been in Seattle for two days now and it was Monday morning. I didn’t have class scheduled until Wednesday so I had decided to stay at the very least until Zeppelin woke up. Dixon had been incredibly supportive of my decision and admitted that he was equally as worried about his friend as I was.

I had talked to Hannah the night before and explained what had been going on and I told her about my visiting him and talking to him. Yesterday, I sat with Zeppelin for half an hour and just held his hand. His eyes had fluttered and I was sure they would open, but it never happened. I didn’t say as much to him as I had the day before. I just couldn’t find the words.

Once we arrived at the hospital, I practically ran inside and over to the elevators. Dixon followed behind me. When we got to the floor that Zeppelin was staying on, Dixon put his hand in mine and we made our way down the hall. We were just getting to the doorway of Zeppelin’s room when I froze in my tracks and my heart nearly leapt out of my chest.

“I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s only making me more sick and weak. Please just let me go home.” Zeppelin’s voice broke through in a pained whisper. “You have one more round of chemo scheduled for the end of the week before we can discuss leaving. I’m sorry son.” Henry said. I heard Zeppelin groan and it took everything in me not to run to him.

Dixon glanced at me and then let go of my hand, knocking lightly on the slightly ajar door to Zeppelin’s room. I peered in and watched as three sets of eyes landed on us. Kathryn smiled and stood from the chair she was sitting in. I returned the smile and then my gaze shifted to Zeppelin.

His blue eyes were wide as they searched my face, his jaw was slack and his lips parted. I watched his shoulders rise and fall quickly. We were in an intense staring contest and I didn’t think I wanted to break first. I couldn’t stop looking into those eyes that had captured me months ago; the ones that owned me and made me love and feel. Zeppelin swallowed and licked his lips.

“My Angel,” He rasped out as his brow crumpled. I took a timid step into the room, closer to him. Nodding slowly, I spoke in a soft voice. “Hey you, I’ve missed you.” Henry cleared his throat and walked around the foot of Zeppelin’s bed, resting his hand on his son’s knee for a moment. “We’ll let you two catch up.” He said after patting the blanket and grabbing his wife’s hand.

They walked past me and Kathryn placed her hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly before leaving. I didn’t have to turn around to know that Dixon had followed them out into the hall. He knew that we needed a moment alone with each other. I went to Zeppelin’s side and slowly stretched out a hand, placing it on his like I had done the first night I was here.

He closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. When he opened them again, they were wet. “I didn’t want you to see me like this.” He said in a broken whisper. I watched as a single tear rolled down his pale cheek. “I don’t care about how you look. I want to be here.” I said.

A pained expression took over his features and more tears fell from those stunning blue eyes. “You don’t deserve this. I’m no good to you when I’m weak and probably dying.” I began shaking my head rapidly. “You’ll get better. It won’t always be like this.” I said in an adamant tone. I was surprised at how pessimistic he was being.

“You can’t get better if you don’t fight.” I added. Zeppelin’s face smoothed out and he stared at me blankly. “What if it is always like this Lucky? What if I die six months from now? It could happen.” He said assuredly. “If you’re with me, you’ll lose me. Eventually you will whether you choose to believe it or not.”

“I don’t care. I want to be here with you. I won’t leave you, I can’t leave you. I love you Zeppelin and whether it’s a day or a year or fifty years, I don’t care.” My voice broke and I felt the familiar sting of tears. Zeppelin’s brow furrowed and his hand clenched into a tight fist underneath mine.

“I don’t want your pity. I told you that I had to let you go and you need to understand that. Angel I love you, more than anything in this piece of shit life, I love you. But you and I both know that this won’t end well and seeing you suffer beside me is too heartbreaking.”

“No, you don’t mean this Zeppelin.” I said as I clutched his hand tightly. He shook his head and set his other hand on top of mine, squeezing it gently for a moment, he closed his eyes. His breath hitched and when his eyes opened and focused on me, tears streamed down his face.

“Let me go Lucky. You have to let go.” His voice was hoarse as he spoke. “I can’t lose you.” I cried as a sob broke from my chest. “You have to Angel. You would have to eventually anyway.” His eyes turned intense and bore into mine. “I don’t want you here anymore. Don’t come back to see me. Go home to Portland and go to school. Be everything you ever dreamed.”

I couldn’t believe the words he was saying. I didn’t want to believe it one single bit. “Zeppelin you don’t mean that. I can’t…I can’t live.” I argued. “I do mean it.” He protested. “You’ll live, I promise.” I shook my head and removed my hand from his. “No, I won’t. I’ll get by; I’ll survive because I have to.” I wiped my tear stained face and looked him in the eyes. “But I won’t really live. Not without you.”

My heart broke all over again as I turned around and walked out of his room. I ignored his parents and Dixon who were standing against the opposite wall. I made my way down the hallway of the hospital and toward the elevator as tears continued to fall. I didn’t care that people were staring. I just needed to get out of here, I needed calm. I needed to breathe.

Once I was outside of the hospital, I gasped for air as I slipped down on to a bench. I buried my head in my hands, my elbows resting on my knees. I let the silence envelope me. I had never felt so helpless and so alone than I did in this moment. My breath became labored as the tears continued to flow steadily.

I could now understand the intensity of our relationship to him. The reason why everything happened as fast as it did. Why he chose to live in the moment. How could he not do that when there was absolutely no certainty of his future? Why would a person bother making plans when they could lose their life at any moment?

My mind drifted to all of the memories of our summer together. Our first date, with me on the losing end of a bet, but I would have gone anyway. I’d go anywhere with Zeppelin. It was the first time that we really talked and got to know each other. That was the night that I gave myself to him.

I remembered the night that I stayed at his apartment and we cuddled and watched movies in a fort made of blankets. How we made love twice that night and I had never felt more content as I was when I was with him. The Fourth of July barbecue, the weekend at Cannon Beach, I had all of those memories made with Zeppelin. I wanted them to last forever; I wished that I could turn back the clock now. I would soak up and cherish every single touch he gave me, every kiss, the sound of his voice.

I wasn’t sure how long I sat outside that hospital as I played back every single memory of Zeppelin and me together. I pulled the sleeves of the hoodie I was wearing over my hands and gazed up at the overcast sky. It seemed like it might rain and I thought it was fitting for the mood I was in. I startled when I felt a hand fall upon my shoulder. Turning my head, I was met with blue eyes so similar to the one who had my heart.

Kathryn searched my face and then removed her hand as she stepped around and sat next to me on the bench. For a while she didn’t speak to me. She just shifted her eyes around the parking lot. I went back to staring at the sky and wondering if I would ever be able to get over Zeppelin. It just didn’t seem likely that he really wanted to push me away. Why couldn’t he just let me in?

When Kathryn finally spoke, her voice was soft. “Sometimes no matter how hard we fight, there is only so much you can do. Sometimes accepting what is, though it can be tough, it is the best thing for us.” She let out a sigh and turned to look at me. I blinked at her a few times and began shaking my head.

“I can understand his reservations. And in all honesty, I hate to think that my being here is stressful for him. I just wish that Zeppelin wanted me as much as I want him.” I admitted in a whisper. Kathryn nodded. “I know Lucky. I don’t think you being here is stressful to him. Zeppelin loves you, he told me as much just a few minutes ago.” I looked at her in disbelief.

“He told you that he loved me?” I questioned. “Yes he did, and he is really sorry for telling you that you couldn’t be here. He wants you Lucky. He just cares too much about you to put you through this with him. Trust me it can get really difficult at times.” She said. I nodded. “I’m sure it can. How do you deal with this? He’s your son. I can imagine that must be one of the hardest things imaginable.” I said. “It is very hard to see him go through this. Especially when it came as such a shock to us that he wasn’t healthy in the first place. He was always participating in sports as a kid. He hates being weak and honestly, I hurt for him.”

“He’s really lucky to have parents like you and Mr. Rhoades. Do you think he will get better?” I asked. Kathryn shrugged slightly. “At this point, we don’t really know what will happen. We can just take it one day at a time and hope for the best. I think the worst part in all of this has been seeing Zeppelin change. It’s like he stopped living the day he found out he had cancer.” “He told me that he had gone to school but decided to stop. I wondered why he had made that decision but I guess now I know.” I said.