Always Beautiful (8 page)

Even if Hannah was right and I should relax a little and lighten up, did that mean I had to sleep with the first guy I found myself attracted to since coming to Portland. Was my heart and head prepared to lose my virginity to a guy that I hardly knew, one that I could possibly never see again? My mind began to fill with doubts and reason and a long list of why I should stop Zeppelin right now. I pulled away from his amazing lips and turned my head. My hand came up to rest on my forehead. I tried to control my erratic breathing.

Possibly sensing my reservations, Zeppelin immediately lifted himself off of me and sat up at the end of the bed. He dragged a hand through his hair and let out a shaky breath. I closed my eyes, trying to fight off the sting of tears beginning to pool in my eyes. I didn’t want to cry because of what Zeppelin and I were doing. I wanted to cry because I felt like I was hurting him. I didn’t want to hurt him or deny him anything. The fact that I was that compelled, after knowing him only a short time caused me to be more confused. I sighed and sat up slowly beside him, still catching my breath.

“Lucky, you’re unlike anyone I have ever met.” Zeppelin’s voice broke through the silence of my dark room unexpectedly. I turned my head to glance at him. His head was lowered, his hands fisted as they rested atop his knees. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. I’m not going to pressure you into something that you’re not ready for.” His head lifted and he turned his blue eyes, appearing much darker and intense, toward me. “Do you understand that? I don’t want to cause you any pain.” His voice broke as he uttered those words. I nodded. “You know that I’m a virgin?” I asked.

Zeppelin’s lips turned up on one side in a half smile. “Yeah, I can tell by the way your body responds to me. The way you tremble when I touch you, the noises you make when I kiss you.” He explained. One of his fists unclenched and he slid his hand to mine, running a finger across my skin. “I have no guarantees of tomorrow. I don’t know what the future holds Lucky. I do know that I like you and I want you.” I gasped at his declaration and felt my body begin to heat all over again.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I began to speak. “I like you too Zeppelin.” I sighed. “My life has been planned out for so long because I’ve known what I ultimately wanted. This living in the moment thing is weird to me.” I admitted. “I’m not sure it’s best for me to give myself away like this.” Zeppelin nodded in understanding and slipped his hand off of mine. Letting out a long breath, he stood from the bed. “Let’s get back out to the party. I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.” He glanced at me over his shoulder with a wide grin. I nodded and stood too. As much as I thought I wanted Zeppelin a few moments ago, I knew that it was best to try and be more cautious. I didn’t feel any better about what it was that caused me to feel drawn to him, but at least I now knew that he wasn’t the type of guy to take advantage of me.

We went back out to the party, acting as if nothing of consequence happened between the two of us. It seemed no one had paid any attention to our whereabouts as they continued with beer pong and dancing to the music in the living room. I spotted Hannah, standing with Josh and talking to a guy I didn’t know. Giving Zeppelin a small smile, I wandered over to my best friend while he jumped into a conversation with Dixon and Tucker.

“Where did you go?” Hannah wondered as she looked me up and down. I shrugged casually and replied, “I just went to my room for a few minutes.” Her eyes widened and she looped her arm with mine, walking us away and toward the kitchen. She rummaged through the fridge for new drinks and handed me one before saying, “Spill it!” I shook my head and let out a sigh.

“I thought I wanted to be alone with Zeppelin.” I said quietly. “I kissed him and then invited him back to my room. We made out a little, but I just couldn’t take it any further.” “He was okay with that?” She asked, tilting a brow up. “Yeah, he was actually really nice about it.” Hannah nodded. “Well there will be plenty of other guys I am sure.” I shook my head. “I’m not going to look to hook up Hannah. I told you, I know I need to lighten up a bit, but hooking up just isn’t my thing.” She shot me a glare. “Not that it’s a bad thing.” I quickly back pedaled my statement. I didn’t judge my friend for her choices, but it just wasn’t me. I told her as much.

“I get it Lucky. I just don’t want to see you so wrapped up in school and your career just to become a lonely old cat lady.” Hannah said with a smile. I rolled my eyes. “I’m not going to be a cat lady.” I said. Hannah shrugged. “I sure as hell hope not. I’m proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone though. Book smarts are no good to you if you don’t also have a little bit of street smarts.” She said. I nodded in agreement. I didn’t want to be naïve to things in the world, but I also didn’t want to experience everything either. “I like Zeppelin. I’ll just take it a day at a time and see how it goes.” I said. Hannah raised her bottle to mine and they clinked together. “Here’s to an easy going Lucky.” She smirked.

Chapter 5

~Present Day~

I touched my fingers to my lips as I recalled that first night at Dixon’s house after the fight. I had acted out completely unlike what I was accustomed to. I wasn’t ashamed though. I firmly believe, now more than I did then, that there can be a special connection with someone. It doesn’t matter if you’ve known them for five years or five minutes. That’s how it started with Zeppelin and me. We were like moths to each other’s flames. It began as something lust filled, an attraction, that spark of electricity.

People say that relationships starting on that can go nowhere. It’s been said that acting upon your urges in a quick manner isn’t appropriate. But if it hadn’t been for that night, watching Zeppelin fight, the way he kissed me for the first time. If we hadn’t acted on our feelings, living in the moment, then I may have never known him or grown so close to him eventually. I would have never experienced all of the amazing firsts. I wouldn’t have learned to trust a stranger and bare my heart and soul.

Call it being young and irresponsible. Judge me for holding on to something like my virginity for dear life and being cautious for twenty one years, only to possibly throw it all away for a man I hardly knew. It doesn’t bother me what people thought about Zeppelin’s and my relationship. It was deep, it was hot, it was intoxicating and captivating. It was nothing I ever expected and everything I ever needed.

More tears began to spill from my eyes, falling on to the black dress that I wore. I took a deep breath in through my nose and let it out through my mouth. There was a soft knock on the door to the room I was in. My mother stepped in a few moments later, her soft hazel eyes searching my face.

“How are you holding up Lucy?” She asked. I closed my eyes and took another deep breath. Opening them slowly, my lips curved up in a half smile. “I’m hanging in there. I’m tired of waiting.” My mother placed an arm around me, squeezing my shoulders. “The waiting can be the hardest part sometimes. You’ve made it this far baby. I know you can hang in there a little while longer.” I nodded. My mother was always good at giving me those little pep talks, making me see reason and relax. I was grateful to have her with me.

“Where’s Dixon?” I asked. I hadn’t seen my cousin since this morning. “He’s around. He was asking about you. Wanted to make sure you were doing okay.” I smiled. After that summer that I stayed with Dixon, we grew even closer. I considered him one of my best friends in the entire world. He was family, but even if he wasn’t, I liked to think we would still be friends. Dixon was always there when I needed him and he always looked out for me. Especially when things got nearly unbearable for me, when I thought I was going to lose Zeppelin for the first time.

“I’d like to talk to him before it’s time to go.” I said quietly. There were a few things I wanted to say to my cousin and I was sure if I didn’t say it before, I wouldn’t be able to speak afterward. Today was a huge day for me, for all of us. Emotions were high and of course there were bound to be tears. My mother nodded and squeezed my shoulders once more before stepping away from me. Her eyes were misty as she gazed at me this time. “I’m so proud of you Lucy. You’ve become a strong and beautiful woman. I know that Zeppelin thinks the same.”

I watched my mother turn to go, opening and closing the door in one swift motion. I was left alone again, my IPOD still playing softly in the background. A Jason Derulo song began to play and I smiled, remembering the first night I ran my car down the track in Portland. Hannah rode with me to the track and we blasted my stereo, as we sped down the highway. I was amped up and ready to race. That was the second time I saw Zeppelin.

~June 2012~

After the small party at Dixon’s on Saturday night, I felt like a new person. I still wanted the same things. I was still looking forward to starting school in the fall and finding a place to live. I began to feel even more excited for the possibility of new beginnings. I took what Hannah had said to heart. I wanted to branch out and enjoy life.

It was Thursday afternoon and I was sitting on my bed in my room at Dixon’s. I had just finished painting my toe nails and was listening to music while I waited for them to dry. My phone beside me beeped with an incoming text message. I reached for it and my stomach flip flopped as I read Zeppelin’s name across the screen.

We had exchanged numbers before he left the party around four in the morning on Saturday. We hung close to each other the remainder of the night after being in my room. We played a game of beer pong together. Every time I made a shot, he would touch me in some way; Running a finger along my arm, grazing my lower back, or bumping his hip into me. We flirted and laughed and it was fun. When he decided to leave, after sobering up, he asked me to walk out with him.

With his hand in mine, we walked outside. The air was slightly brisk but not unpleasant. Once we reached the driver’s side, he placed his hands on my hips and pressed me into the car with his body. Tingles ran through my body and I trembled as his lips met mine in a soft kiss. I ran my hands up his bare, tattooed arms until they were wrapped around his neck. I pulled him closer to me and slid my tongue against his. I wasn’t sure how long we stood there making out in the street, but Zeppelin eventually began to pull back.

“I had a good time tonight with you Lucky.” He said breathlessly. “Me too,” I replied with a smile. “Can I call you some time?” He asked. My heart picked up speed and I nodded. Zeppelin pulled his phone out of his pocket and I rattled off my number. Looking up at me, he smiled. “Thanks Angel.” He gave me a long, lingering hug and placed a swift kiss on my forehead before opening his door. I wandered back to the driveway and waved as he pulled away. When I walked back into the house I felt like I was floating. As cheesy as that sounds, in a way I guess I was on a kind of high.

We had been texting back in forth for the last few days. Just basic things like asking how our days were and what we were up to. I learned that he was living in an apartment close to my uncle’s shop. He helped out occasionally when they needed an extra set of hands. Needing something to do with myself, I had been helping out this week at the shop in the office. They only needed me for a few hours a week, but it was better than nothing. I had wondered if I would run into Zeppelin, but it never happened.

I opened the text message, sliding my thumb along the envelope icon.

Zeppelin: YOU GOING TO RACE TONIGHT?

Me: YA…YOU?

I began to feel butterflies expand in my belly as the thought of seeing him entered my brain. It wasn’t that I really missed him or anything. At least I didn’t think I did. I just wanted to see him, maybe talk some more.

Zeppelin: I’LL BE THERE. ARE YOU NERVOUS?

I giggled and shook my head. We had talked about racing each other, and though his car was pretty damn cool, I was sure I could take him.

Me: NOT AT ALL. ARE YOU?

Zeppelin: NO WAY. I’LL SEE YOU THERE :)

Me: SOUNDS GOOD :)

Zeppelin: LATER ANGEL

The grin I wore on my face widened. I still wasn’t exactly sure why he chose to call me “Angel”, but it was growing on me. I liked the way it sounded.

Me: LATER

I fell back on to my bed with a sigh. I wasn’t usually that girl to get the nerves and the giddy feelings that I had now. It was new to me, and I thought about how I had missed out on feeling like this before. Spending so much time focused on school and my future didn’t leave a lot of time to develop crushes. I suppose I had felt something with Jeremy in the beginning, but he was the opposite of Zeppelin. Jeremy only ever called me Lucy, not even Lucky which had been my nickname since I was little, due to the fact that my uncle Eddy would race and win whenever I would go to the track with him.

Thinking back, Jeremy was more frigid and closed off. I suppose I preferred that since I spent a lot of time with my nose in a book. I didn’t want anyone messing with my schedule and taking up my free time. For some reason with Zeppelin, I got the notion that if he wanted to interrupt my plans, I’d let him. There was just something about the way he spoke to me. The way he had gazed at me from the moment we met and the way his soft, full lips felt against my skin.

I was lost in a daydream of what I might say to him tonight. I thought about what he might be wearing and if I would get to feel his lips on me again. My phone began blaring out Hannah’s ringtone, startling me out of my daze. I picked it up quickly, answering on the second ring. Before I even had a chance to say anything, Hannah was already blabbing excitedly.

“Josh is dropping me off at your place before he heads to work. I am so excited!” Hannah had actually squealed. I shook my head and giggled. “Me too chick!” I replied. “You can help me prep Penelope before we head out.” “Sounds good, I miss seeing you race.” She said. I had raced at the track every once in a while throughout the last few years while in college but she wasn’t there to see it. It wasn’t nearly as often as I used to in high school.