Always on My Mind (4 page)

Except now Grace had vanished, and the panic threatened to edge its way out of Raina’s chest, into her throat.

She put a hand to her mouth, leaned her head back against the pillow. Closed her eyes.

Then, instead of the words of the doctor, reassuring her that they’d stopped the contractions, or even Grace’s voice, reminding her that she wasn’t alone . . . she heard laughter.

The high, ebullient voice of Casper’s new girlfriend leaching out through the phone.
It’s gorgeous and he nearly found a treasure today!

Yeah, she bet he did. Probably in the form of some tall, thin, blonde beach bunny who
 
—

No, that wasn’t fair. Casper wasn’t his brother Owen, and he deserved to be happy. Deserved to start over.

Deserved to forget her.

Raina’s eyes burned, and she ran her hand across her cheek, catching the tear.

Footsteps, then the curtain rolled back. She opened her eyes to the sight of her OB doctor, Natasha Mortensen, her auburn hair in a ponytail, her hazel eyes bearing the night shift hours. “Good morning, Raina,” she said, keeping her voice low.

The woman in the opposite bed had delivered sometime in the early hours, right before Raina arrived, and
 
—lucky her
 
—had slept the night through, her husband perched in the recliner beside her bed.

A sweet, normal, perfect family.

Natasha set down a file, then unwound her stethoscope, placing
it on Raina’s belly. “Good heart tones.” She stepped over to the monitor and read the printout of the baby’s heartbeat. “The baby seems to be free of any distress. And you haven’t had a contraction for two hours. That’s good.”

She examined Raina, then pulled up a chair. “Okay, here’s the news. I’m going to keep you here a little longer, just to make sure the contractions don’t start back up, and then I’m sending you home to rest. You’re at thirty-four weeks, so the baby is nearly full-term, but I’d like to see if you can hang on at least another week, maybe two.” She patted Raina’s arm. “Two weeks to catch up on all your Netflix shows before this little bundle arrives. But you’d better start picking out names.”

Natasha stood, squeezed her arm. “I’ll see you back here in two weeks. No sooner
 
—got that?”

Raina managed a nod as Grace walked in with an answer. “Aye, aye, Doc.”

Grace set a bag down on the bedside table. “I had to run out and score you some breakfast and a cup of decaf joe. What did I miss?”

Raina just stared at her. Oh, what she wouldn’t give for Grace’s calm under pressure. The way she could look at life and pull out the silver lining, believe that everything would work out. She clearly hadn’t lived Raina’s dark life.

“Bed rest for two weeks.” Raina lifted her shoulder. “Then I have to figure out what I’m doing.”

Grace opened the bag of food. “I found a Panera down the street. One broccoli quiche just for you.” She pulled out the quiche, a napkin, and a fork. “And two weeks of forced bed rest? Think of all the books you can read.”

Raina stared at the quiche without an appetite. “I’m so stupid.”

“Huh?” Grace sank down into the recliner.

“I . . . I can’t get it out of my head. That girl last night
 
—Casper.”

“Oh.” Grace stared at her coffee, took a sip, then looked out the window. “Yeah, he did seem to be . . . okay.”

“More than okay. He’s moving on, and frankly, I don’t blame him. I mean, it’s not every day you get your heart broken by finding out the woman you like
 
—”

“I think he was in love with you.”

“Which makes it even worse
 
—although I think we can both agree it was just a summer romance.”

“Casper takes things pretty seriously, Raina. I mean, yeah, he was the family troublemaker when we were kids, but he’s also the guy who shows up when you need him.”

“And I hurt him. No, I destroyed him.”

Grace leaned forward. “You didn’t lead him on. You didn’t know you were pregnant
 
—”

“With his brother’s kid! From a stupid, brainless mistake. Why did I
 
—?” She pressed her hands over her eyes. Swallowed. Found her breath. “With everything inside me, I wish I could go back to that night, to that girl sitting on the pier with Owen, and warn her. Tell her to use her head instead of being charmed by the romance of the stars and the fact that your youngest brother is very handsome.”

“And charming. And broken. I’m so sorry for the way he behaved.”

“
We
behaved. And look what it caused
 
—your brothers brawling over me at your sister’s wedding, Owen vanishing, Casper taking off like Indiana Jones in search of lost treasure, and you having to babysit me.”

“I’m hardly babysitting you, Raina. In fact, I fear I worked you too hard tonight . . .” A wry expression washed across her face. “I’m sorry.”

“No. I have to work. I mean, I can’t freeload . . .” She paused, took a breath. “And I have to face the truth. I am having a baby I can’t take care of, bringing it into a world without a father, without a family. I know I would make a terrible mother
 
—”

“Raina
 
—”

She held up her hand to stop Grace’s words. “My own mother died when I was nine, and even before that, she wasn’t around much, with fighting the cancer. The thought of being a mom is . . . Well, I can’t wrap my brain around it. Really, how could I take care of a baby? My child deserves a better life
 
—a bigger life. Something stable and safe.”

“What if Owen
 
—?”

“No.” Raina tried not to interject emotion into her answer, but it still came out fast, hard. Final.

Grace seemed nonplussed. “Right. Okay. But what about Casper? He doesn’t even know you’re pregnant. Maybe if he knew . . .”

“No.” This time the word emerged softer. “Imagine that conversation. You thought Casper lost it when he realized that Owen and I had . . . I mean, yes, it happened before I met Casper, but I don’t think that made it hurt any less. Now imagine his face when I tell him I’m having his brother’s baby. Even if he could look past that to a future with me, I highly doubt he’s going to want to raise Owen’s child. Or that he should.”

Grace’s mouth tightened into a grim line, truth
 
—or agreement
 
—in her expression. “What if you stayed with me?”

“Grace, be serious. You have a life to build with Max.” Raina
shook her head. “I think I have my answer.” She ran her hands over her belly, finding a foot, an elbow. “I keep thinking of Gina. And her mom. And her life. I think I’ve been holding on to the wild, impossible hope that Casper might show up, forgive me, and . . . I don’t know
 
—figure out a way for us to be together. But . . .” She swallowed again, her eyes watery. “I am a fool.”

“Raina . . .” Grace reached for her hand, but Raina drew it away.

“Even you would agree that it’s better for Casper to move on.”

Grace sighed.

Raina nodded despite the dagger in her chest. “Which means that I need to also. I don’t know how, but I have to give this baby a better life than I had.”

Grace frowned and began to shake her head.

“You know this is the best thing for everyone, especially the baby. She needs a home with two parents who love her and can provide for her and . . . No more denial or hope of the perfect happy ending. At least for me. But I can give it to my baby.”

She ran her hands over her face again. Yes, this was the right decision. “You need to go home, Grace, and get some sleep. When you come back, would you bring the adoption file with you? The one the agency sent over? I need to pick the perfect parents for my child.”

C
ASPER KNEW HE HAD
the tendency to gamble big, to throw himself into the hope of finding something priceless, but this time he might really get hurt.

He stared out the window as the plane touched down between the grimy snowdrifts that edged the tarmac. The sky hovered low, a chilly pewter gray, the early afternoon sunshine imprisoned beyond a wall of clouds. When a few of his fellow passengers began reaching for their parkas, he realized he’d packed his jacket in his checked bag. Not thinking clearly as he boarded the puddle jumper off the island fourteen hours ago in ninety-degree weather.

In fact, he’d had one thing on his brain. One person. His one consuming thought over the past two weeks.

Thankfully he had a sweatshirt crammed into his backpack,
but he just might be the only guy in the state of Minnesota sporting flip-flops. And shorts.

“I take it you went somewhere warm,” said the woman in the seat behind him as she unbuckled and pulled out her phone. She wore a black turtleneck sweater, a white scarf knotted around her neck. Reminded him of his sister Eden back when she worked in obits. Or maybe everyone dressed like gloom and doom during the dark month of a Minnesota January.

“Honduras,” he said and pulled out his backpack. Shoot, his phone had died somewhere over Texas and now he’d have to pray that Grace was at home when he showed up at her apartment.

Hopefully she’d feed him too.

And hopefully
 
—okay, he more than hoped it
 
—Raina would be there. Willing to listen. Willing to forgive him . . . maybe simply willing to start over.

That’s all he wanted: a reset. No dragging up the past, just a clean, fresh beginning where Owen didn’t lurk in the shadows, haunting their relationship. Certainly after all these months they could shake off his specter.

“Well, you’d better get something on those bare feet because according to my phone, it’s a toasty twelve below.” The woman shouldered her bag and stepped out of her row, grabbing her carry-on.

Casper followed her out through the Jetway and into the bustle of the Minneapolis–St. Paul airport. He stopped at a Caribou Coffee and tugged out his sweatshirt, pulling it on before heading to baggage claim. He smiled wanly at a little girl holding her mother’s hand, gawking at his attire.

His duffel bag shot out of the chute and landed on the carousel. He picked it up and lugged it to the car rental desk.

He hadn’t planned on returning in the middle of winter
 
—thus
his motorcycle, still in storage, would have to stay tucked away. The female rental clerk also eyed his clothes, his long hair, and his bandanna hat, a smile on her lips. He pegged her around twenty-four
 
—his age
 
—and when she handed him his folder, she suggested he put on some pants before venturing outside.

Maybe he should have listened, because by the time he boarded the shuttle bus, his legs had lost feeling.

As he rode out to the rental lot, he took a good look at his sanity and considered that he’d left it on the beach in Roatán.

No. Raina’s voice had imprinted on him that night two weeks ago and still hadn’t vanished. The strange panic in it gave him the answer to Doug’s question and the strength to give Fitz his notice.

His resolve only deepened with each day he trained his replacement, so by the time Casper shook the sand off his feet, he’d already returned to Minneapolis. Already held Raina in his arms, at least in his mind, his heart.

He let the Prius warm before he pulled out of the lot, reviewing his winter-driving techniques before edging into traffic and heading toward Minneapolis. He noticed the Mississippi had frozen nearly solid, the highways coated with salt. He’d forgotten the misery of winter in Minnesota.

I’m not in love with you, Casper!

Raina’s shout through the reception hall before Jace and Eden’s wedding suddenly echoed back to him, reaching out to sink brutal fingers in his chest as he took the exit for I-35W, toward the Uptown area.

But he’d seen her face before she said those words. Seen her beautiful brown eyes fill, her wretched expression.

Yeah, she’d been lying. Trying to protect him. From Owen. From their secret.

According to his sister Eden, Grace lived in an Uptown apartment building, just two blocks off Lake Calhoun. Hopefully she’d forgive him for not calling to warn them, but he didn’t want to spook Raina, send her fleeing. He exited the highway onto Lake Street and tried to calm his racing heart.

In fact, he might be sweating. When he stopped at a light, the past continued to bullet through his brain, as fresh as yesterday.

There you are! . . . What did you do to her, you jerk?

His words the moment he’d seen Owen, only a few short hours after his kid brother had shown up for Eden’s wedding, cocky and selfish. And only a few short hours since Casper had assembled all the puzzle pieces of why Raina had rejected him.

In the wake of his own words, Casper’s fist found his brother’s face. He didn’t care that, as Owen got up, he wiped blood from his fattening lip.

And then, as Casper’s world crashed around him, Owen shrugged.
Shrugged.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he snapped. “I never hurt Raina. We . . . So we hooked up.”

Casper nearly came at him again. Instead he’d left before he dismantled his brother.

It had taken him the last five months to put himself back together. To see how it all laid out.

Clearly Owen had met Raina at their brother’s Memorial Day wedding. Somehow they ended up together. He didn’t want details, refused to let his brain linger there.

It wasn’t until after Owen left town that Casper met Raina. Sweet, tough, beautiful Raina, stranded on the side of the road in the mud. He’d invited her to be a part of his dragon boat crew, a competition he’d fought to win
 
—with her at his side.

And yeah, he’d fallen for her, hard and fast. Apparently she had
that effect on Christiansen men. But he’d believed her when she kissed him, believed the affection he’d seen in her eyes.

Believed that yes, he’d at last found what he’d been searching for.

Then one day . . . she simply walked away from him.

He’d finally figured out why.

Guilt. Somehow she thought she’d betrayed Casper. And frankly, he’d thought it too, after the incident with Owen.

Except he couldn’t blame her for what happened before they met, and as that truth sank into his brain, his anger had worked free.

Leaving behind only regret.

He read the street signs, slowing as he drew up to a three-story brick building. He turned at the corner, found the lot around back, and parked.

Yes, maybe he needed pants. At the very least real shoes. But he’d get them later
 
—after seeing Raina. And Grace. Right
 
—Grace first.

He got out, went around to the front door, and got into the building by holding the door for a resident encumbered by a bag of groceries.

He hooked his foot around the inner door, reading the listing for the apartments on the security system in the foyer. He found Grace’s on the second floor and took the elevator up.

The place bespoke a green lifestyle
 
—plants near the elevator, clean white hallways with bright windows that overlooked the snowy patio, a covered whirlpool, and Adirondack chairs.

He stopped at her door and blew out a breath.

Swallowed.

Knocked.

And closed his eyes when he heard the voice. “Grace, seriously? Of all times to forget your key!”

Raina.

He smiled, pressed his hand to the door. He couldn’t wait to see her reaction. But just in case she wasn’t ready for guests, he said, “Uh, actually, no. It’s . . .” He took another breath. “Casper.”

He waited for the door to fling open, stepping back so he could catch every nuance of her expression.

Yeah, baby, it’s me. Back from the high seas.

He actually let those words float through his head and wanted to roll his eyes. He let his crazy smile dim. No need to scare her if she wasn’t quite on the same page. Yet.

The door didn’t open.

He stepped forward again. “Raina?”

“What . . . ? I thought . . . Aren’t you supposed to be hanging out on a beach somewhere?” Her voice sounded tight, almost . . . angry? Or maybe just surprised.

“Yeah . . . or . . . no. I came back. I’m done.” He added a softness to his voice. “I came to see you.”

More silence. Then, “I thought you were Grace. I’m . . . in my robe.”

See, this was why he didn’t just let her fling open the door. He had sisters
 
—he got it. “No problem. I’ll wait.”

More silence. A darkness began to settle deep in his gut. “Raina?”

“Grace isn’t here.”

Huh. It seemed she hadn’t moved. “Okay.”

“Can you come back later?”

Oh. He put his hand on the door, lowered his voice further. “Well . . . maybe we could talk?” He wanted to wince at the soft
pleading in his voice, but he already appeared desperate, standing here in his flip-flops, looking nearly homeless.

“I . . . This isn’t a good time.”

The darkness webbed his chest. But what did he have to lose? “Raina, please, could we just . . . ? I am so sorry for what happened, and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and
 
—”

“Casper?”

He turned and spotted Grace stepping off the elevator. A bag of groceries hung from her hand. “I can’t believe it!”

“Hey, Sis.”

She ran toward him, flung herself into his arms.

And just like that, he didn’t feel like the underdressed homeless guy in the hallway. He twirled her around, then put her down.

“What are you doing here?” Thankfully, when Grace said it, it didn’t sound like an accusation.

“I . . .” He glanced at the door.

“Oh, Casper.” Grace’s voice softened, and she shook her head, sadness in her expression.

He frowned. “What?” Oh no. He never considered the idea that Raina might be dating someone else.

But of course she was
 
—and why not? Beautiful, amazing Raina had moved on. Forgotten him, and now he’d made yet another colossal mistake. “I should have called.” Understatement.

Grace shook her head. “Let me call Max. He’ll let you bunk there.”

She wasn’t even going to let him in to talk to Raina? He hadn’t seen that coming.

Grace took out her phone. But a sound emerged from the other side of the door, something akin to a moan, loud and long, and it stilled them both. He caught Grace’s expression and went cold.

What
 
—?

“Grace, is that you?” Raina’s tone dredged up the memory of the New Year’s call.

“Is there something wrong with Raina?”

Grace’s jaw tightened, but she pocketed the phone, put the key in the lock. “Casper, just . . . stay calm.”

Stay calm
?

She opened the door. “Raina, are you okay?”

“In here!”

He peered over Grace’s shoulder and guessed the sound was coming from the bathroom.

Grace turned and handed Casper the bag of groceries. “Stay here.”

Not on her life. He set the bag on the counter and followed her to the bathroom, not caring if Raina was in her robe
 
—or less.

But nothing in his brain prepared him for the sight of her sitting on the floor in a puddle of water, her face contorted in pain.

Pregnant.

She looked up and met his eyes even as Grace grabbed a towel and asked, “What happened?”

Raina looked away, holding her belly.

Her
pregnant
belly. Casper just stared at her, his brain scrambling. How
 
—?

“My water broke. I think the baby’s coming.”

Grace hooked her arm around Raina’s waist, helped her to her feet. “Then we need to get you to the hospital.”

Casper stepped back as Grace wrangled her through the door, toward the bedroom. “Casper, there’s a bag in the family room. Get it and a bunch of towels.”

He couldn’t move. Just stared at Raina as she struggled, one
hand to her back, groaning. She stopped suddenly, bracing her hand on the wall, breathing hard.

Oh. My.

Grace breathed with her. “You’re doing well.”

Casper rested his own hand on the wall. Tried to breathe.

The contraction passed, and Raina hobbled to her room.

Pregnant.

He stood there, hollow.

“Casper.” Grace had returned and now stopped in front of him. She reached up and touched his cheek. “Can you help me get her to the hospital?”

His mouth closed and he nodded. As he stared at Grace, however, the truth took root, burned through him.

He didn’t have to do the math, didn’t have to use his sleuthing skills to figure it out.

The woman he loved was having his brother’s baby.