Am I Normal Yet? (27 page)

“I don't care,” Amber replied, still dragging me by the hair back to her spot near the stage. “What are you doing? It's Ethan! The sex maniac. He's supposed to be dead to you, remember?”

“He kissed me,” I grumbled.

The last throngs of metallic chords vibrated to a standstill. The band was finished. Amber let go so we could join in the lacklustre applause. I clapped, desperately trying to make eye contact with Guy but he'd stormed off the stage.

Good thought

He's jealous? Ethan's sexual assault…worked?

We clapped and walked at the same time, arriving back at the side of Jane, who was screaming and wolf-whistling.

“WOOOOO, YOU GO, GUYS!”

The rest of the pit joined her, yelling “ENCORE”. Joel stood right at the front of the stage, drinking it in. He ripped off his T-shirt.

“I LOOOOOOVE YOU, JOEL.”

I looked behind us to see everyone else in the cafeteria had stopped clapping politely.

“No one else is clapping,” I told Amber.

“That's because they sucked. My ears have taken a restraining order out against me. I mean, I know it's not my kind of music anyway, but they were much worse than in that church hall. Did you hear how many notes Guy missed?”

“No…I was…”

OCDing the hell out of the college toilets.

“Attaching yourself to Ethan's face?” Amber suggested.

“I told you. He kissed me!”

“Yeah yeah. I can't keep up with you. Or Lottie…who apparently isn't heartbroken any more.” Amber pointed. To the bar. Where there was a queue. And no Teddy.

“She went to get another round in and never came back. Leaving me with Courtney Love here.” She pointed to Jane, who was throwing devil signs and was the last one screaming. “I wish you two would stop running off and leaving me alone like an actual spinster rather than a reinvented spinster. It is bad enough being six foot and ginger, without standing around like Loner Lonington of Lonersville.”

“I'm sorry. I just got…held up in the bathroom. And then Ethan attacked my face.”

“Well, if it was to make Guy jealous, it worked.”

IT WORKED!?

“You think?” I said.

“Well he's stormed offstage, hasn't he? I watched the whole thing. Because that's what I do, watch other people find one another attractive.”

I gave her a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “Please don't tell me you're jealous of Ethan attacking me.”

“Please don't tell me you're going to do anything about Guy.”

“I…”

“He's bad for you, Evie.” She said it with such venom I felt I was being told off.

BAD THOUGHT

It's just because she's jealous.

NASTY THOUGHT

It's just because no one wants to kiss her.

BAD THOUGHT

She's trying to control you.

“You know what else is bad for me?” I snapped. “Having you ALWAYS telling me what to do.”

Her mouth fell open.

“Evie…come on.” Her auburn eyebrows drew together in hurt. “I'm just looking out for you.”

“Well stop!” I turned on my heel to leave.

“Where are you going?”

“I'm getting some air.”

“You are coming to the Spinster Club meeting tomorrow, aren't you?”

But her sad voice was lost in the air.

Guilty guilty guilty.

Horrid horrid horrid.

I was a horrid person. I should feel guilty.

I was also SO angry.

Why did she keep going on about Guy? Why did they keep teasing me about him? I just wanted a boy to like me, one that I liked too. It was such a normal thing to want – why did they keep barging in? All judgy? If they were so judgy about this, then imagine how awful they'd be if I ever told them about me.

I wormed my way through the crowd. I needed to get out of that stuffy cafeteria.

I imagined my friends' reactions to me… I got mad just picturing it.

What Amber would say

“Oh, Evelyn, snap out of it. Just don't wash your hands – simple.”

What Lottie would say

“Sorry, Evie, we were going to invite you, but you can't…handle that sort of thing, can you?”

What everyone always says

“Pull yourself together.”

“That doesn't make any sense.”

“You're only doing it for attention.”

“Just stop. It's easy.”

By the time I stepped out into the cold night air, I was almost gasping. I ran around the corner of the cafeteria and found a dark patch. I leaned against the wall and took five giant breaths.

In, out, in, out. Come on, Eves, don't cry now. Remember what Sarah said… If you get into the habit of falling apart, it's a hard habit to break.

Stupid Sarah. Stupid Sarah with her stupid normal brain. I hated her.

I dropped my back against the wall, sliding downwards until I sat on the cold wet grass.

Don't cry. I wasn't even sure why I was upset.

“Well, fancy seeing you here.”

I jumped at the voice. His voice. Guy's angular face emerged from the blackness.

“Guy, you scared the hell out of me.”

He walked closer, more of him coming visible as the lights from inside hit him. He had a roll-up hanging out his mouth and a can of beer in his hand.

“What are you doing sitting here by yourself?”

I looked around. I was basically in a hole in the wall – I could've asked for a PIN number and dispensed cash. There was no reasonable reason to be wedged into a hole in the college wall on a Saturday night.

I answered truthfully. “Hiding from the world.”

He smiled – a sad one – and sat down next to me, putting the can of beer between us.

“And why would you want to do that? You seemed to be having a good night…” His voice trailed off. It was as sad as his smile. He picked up the beer and offered me the can. I shook my head.

“I've had enough.”

“Fair enough.”

“Ethan kissed me. I didn't really know what was going on.”

A slight nod of his head showed he'd heard it. He didn't answer. Not right away. He stubbed out his cigarette and took a swig of beer – looking out into the blackness.

I couldn't help but stare at the side of his face – it was mesmerizing. I'd already forgotten all about yelling at Amber, and wondering what Lottie was up to, and stressing about my malfunctioning brain. When I looked at Guy, it was like my brain was on a dimmer switch and the rest of the world was twisted down to mute.

Finally, he spoke. “I wish I didn't care.”

“You care?”

Silence descended once more and I tried to find the darkness as interesting as Guy. Then he sighed and reached out an arm. It dropped around my shoulder and pulled me into his body. My whole right side was touching his left side and it sent bursts of static rushing through my body. I could smell him, all smoky and honeylike. My face was nudged into his neck.

“I care,” he whispered.

Guy's hand found my face and pulled it to his. My lips were quivering. And then, in a crevice of a college outbuilding, my lips met a boy's for the second time. Everything around me went hazy. Guy's kiss was soft at first but his lips got harder and harder. His hand reached to the back of my hair, pulling my face right into his. Then he moaned and effortlessly grabbed me and put me onto his lap. Instinctively, I wrapped my legs around his waist. When his tongue strayed into my mouth, I didn't even worry about it. In fact, I let out my very own small moan.

Kissing Guy made up for every kiss I missed out on over the past three years.

Kissing Guy was like all the good bits of a hundred okay kisses, piled into one amazing one.

Kissing Guy made me feel like I wasn't Evie any more. It marked the end of All That and the start of Normal.

Or so I hoped, I hoped, I hoped.

A loud clang of opening chords broke us apart – by lips only. Our faces were still crowded into each other's. I turned in the direction of the college cafeteria, and saw the lights dim once more through the giant floor-to-ceiling windows.

“We're missing the last band,” I said.

“I don't care.”

He kissed me again – raining them down on my cheeks and my nose and my neck. He pushed back my hair to gain further access to my skin. I loved the look on his face – like he couldn't believe his luck that he got to kiss me. That he was trying to make the most of it. I laughed and pulled back.

“Don't you want to go back and see if you win?”

His face dropped slightly and my stomach with it. “We won't have won.”

“You might've. You were really good.”

“How would you know? You missed most of our set.” I looked up at him and a twinge of pain danced behind his eyes. “Because you were with that bloke.”

“I wasn't!” I protested. “I was…in the bathroom…
I drank too much. I felt a bit sick.”

Guy twisted his body away and leaned back against the wall.

“Whatever.”

Instantly I went into panic stations.

BAD THOUGHT

You've screwed it up. Of course you have, you always screw it up.

BAD THOUGHT

You missed his set because you were OCDing in the bathroom. Because you're a massive freak.

BAD THOUGHT

Why did you think you could be normal? Why did you think you could have something good?

“I…I…” I didn't know what to say. Guy used silence as punishment. My tummy tightened with the need to make it better, to make it right again. My hands already missed him and wanted to claim back their permission to touch him. My eyelids blinked in overtime, working hard to repress the tears banging on the door.

Please make it better, make it better, make it better.

He wouldn't look at me. Before he could see me cry, I stood, dusting the mud off my jeans. “I'll go back inside then,” I said.

“Whatever.”

No movement. I really was going to cry.

“Bye then…?” I hovered a few more seconds, just in case.

“Bye.”

I stumbled over the grass, letting the light of the cafeteria guide me back. The effort of holding in tears made it hard to breathe. I would just tell Jane I was leaving, then I would go home. And I could cry all I liked. And digest whatever the heck had happened.

Just as I was about to step out into the light, onto the courtyard, I heard him.

“Evie.”

I turned round, a bit pissed off. “What do you want, Guy?” I turned before he saw me cry.

“You.”

He grabbed me back and I swirled like a dancer into his arms. He pulled me right up against his chest and, with no introduction, he kissed me again. It was rough and delicious and he pushed me against the college wall, pinning me with his body. His hands started in my hair but moved down until he was stroking up my arms, pinning them behind me effortlessly with his. We kissed and kissed and kissed to the backdrop of an unknown band inside. I'd never been lost in any kind of moment before. I'd always noticed everything, my brain was always tick-tocking wherever I went, whatever I did. But, then, there, I was drowning in the moment. There were no thoughts, just feelings and tastes and sensations and me giggling so hard in Guy's mouth all of a sudden that we had to stop.

He pulled back – looking half annoyed, half smiling at my laughter. “What is it?'

I giggled again. “Aren't Joel and the others going to wonder where you are? You're supposed to be in a competition.”

He trailed a finger up my arm to my shoulder, leaving a Hansel and Gretel trail of goosebumps as he went.

“Yeah, they're probably wondering.” He broke into a grin. “That's why we should leave. Now.” He pulled me away into the darkness. I laughed harder.

“Where are we going?”

“Away.”

“Where away?”

“To darker locations with more privacy.”

I felt a thrill build in my toes and echo up my back.

Hands held, we walked back in the vague direction of our houses, the same way I'd walked with the girls. But this time we stopped at every lamp post to kiss, not for me to touch it six times. When we got near my house, Guy pulled me through a hedge into this pretty little grassy place with a war memorial in the middle. It was bathed in moonlight, the silver from the sky reflecting off the stone. A few soggy paper poppies from last week's Memorial Day were scattered on the steps. In the darkness, they almost looked real.

“I've never been here before, it's so pretty,” I said.

Guy didn't reply. He just squeezed my hand and manoeuvred me onto the damp grass. I was on my back, his weight on top of me, and he was kissing me like the world would implode the next day. It felt so gorgeous – the sky above my face, his tongue in my mouth, his hands creeping up the sides of my top – every inch of my skin covered with goosepimples now. I ran my hands through his hair and he did that weird groan again. It was surprising, in a nice way, that I seemed to be quite good at it. Maybe it was all those years watching people kiss in the movies. I'd learned by Hollywood osmosis.

Things with Guy were getting a bit past 12A by then. His hand strayed dangerously close to my chest, and my bra, and my bra's interior contents which weren't quite ready for him.

How do you say “stop” when you're busy kissing someone?

Then, just as he was an inch away from my underwire, his phone went off.

Guy rolled off me and got his screen up, while I lay there, looking at him. It was a little bit like the meadow scene in
Twilight,
apart from the empty beer cans on the grass. Oh, and, well, the graffitied bench over there. And, I guess, yeah, I was quite sure Guy had a boner right then because something had been sticking into my leg and I really didn't think Edward Cullen had a boner in the meadow because that would've ruined it, quite frankly.

“Who is it?” I asked, rearranging myself and feeling shy. Guy's face was lit up by the artificial blue light. He didn't reply, just started messaging.