Amanda's Wedding (26 page)

I must have sounded more serious than I'd intended, because Fraser dipped his head and slowly nodded.

‘Yikes. Yes, ma'am.'

‘Yes ma'am, indeed. Can you buy me lunch, given that you're nearly loaded?'

‘You should buy me lunch for trying to ruin my wedding.'

‘You should buy me lunch for turning up unannounced.'

‘You should buy me lunch for ambushing me in my own house.'

‘You should buy me lunch for asking inappropriate personal questions about your brother.'

He laughed.

‘Ha! You should buy me lunch for giving me inappropriate diktats about my fiancée, don't you think?'

The waiter returned, holding the bill.

‘Actually,' I said quietly. ‘You should buy me lunch because I left my wallet in the office.'

He laughed. ‘Minx! But it would be a pleasure.'

‘I'll get it next time. Also, I want to see whether you write “laird” on your Switch card.'

‘What, in case anyone around here doesn't already think I'm a wanker?'

We headed back up the road, through the crowds of
people wandering their lunch times away aimlessly.

‘Thanks for taking me out to lunch,' I said.

‘Thank Angus – he suggested it. Angus and Mel, up a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N –'

‘Shut it.'

‘How much abuse can one man take?'

‘You're about to find out for the next forty years of your life. Now, scram.'

And I waved him off, much lighter in my heart than I had been just an hour before.

I had a record-breaking twelve voice-mail messages, a mixture of fawning from Alex and offence from the receptionist. And one from Fran. Immediately I heard it I thought, ‘Oh my God, Fran!' I'd completely forgotten her for my dinner plan. But now we had a six, plus Alex, I supposed. Plus I probably had to invite Linda as she wouldn't be out … and I only had five chairs as it was … maybe I'd just not tell her. That was an alien thought to me. Normally I couldn't put my socks on without phoning her up a couple of times. I wrestled with my conscience slightly – I was going to have to invite Linda, because she'd be there anyway, and wasn't known for her ability to enhance the ambience … maybe I could persuade Amanda not to bring Mookie …

Suddenly it dawned on me what I'd let myself in for. God, what had I got myself into? I didn't have a pot big enough to scramble eggs for eight people. I didn't mind fiddling about in the kitchen when I had hours
and it was just me, and Alex who would eat tadpoles if there was nothing else available, but this was bad. I wished I wasn't such a show-off, and so desperate to make it up to Fraser.

I decided to phone Angus. What was he up to anyway, backing down like that? It wasn't very Braveheart of him. He was busy, unfortunately. He'd been asked to stay longer in London, so at least his job was going well.

I took the voice mail off in case he rang. Which it immediately did. My heart leapt – God, he'd got back to me quickly. However, it was Alex.

‘I'm sorry,' he said. ‘Please, for God's sake. We were a bit pissed round the flat, and it got out of hand. I should have sent a cab for you.'

‘You creep. You completely embarrassed me in front of my friends.'

‘Who?'

Suddenly, I wasn't sure I wanted him to know I'd been out with Angus on my own.

‘Just Angus and Fran – we went over to Fraser's.'

‘Fran?'

‘Yes, why?'

‘Ehm, no reason, I thought I saw her on the tube last night.'

Bugger it, what a stupid lie.

‘Ehm, I didn't mean Fran, I meant Holly.' I named another friend I scarcely saw these days.

‘Right.'

There was a pause, and I was sure he knew I was lying. But he obviously decided to ignore it.

‘Do you forgive me, pumpkin?'

I sighed.

‘Why do I feel like I spend the whole of my life forgiving you? I'm getting sick of this.'

‘What do you mean?'

I became very conscious of Janie and Steve on either side of me, ears on poles.

‘Well, you know, I'm just …' I heard myself saying it: ‘I'm not sure I want to put up with this kind of behaviour any more.'

There was a silence. Suddenly I felt very, very cold inside. Where had this come from?

‘Look, I …' I could hear Alex run his fingers through his hair, like he did when something irritated him. He took a deep breath. ‘Can we talk about this?'

‘Not now.'

‘Fine. Any time. Can I meet you from work? We'll go for a drink, maybe. I think … we need to talk.'

My heart was in my throat. Was this it? I mean, it was all so sudden. One minute I'd been planning to give him a hard time about being so selfish, and the next I seemed to have inadvertently started the chain which would eventually lead to the break-up process. It always started with ‘we need to talk', always. Unless of course they simply left the country. God, I wasn't sure about this at all.

‘Sure, whatever,' I managed to say, casually. Stage two, agreeing to the need to talk.

He named a place, and trembling, I wrote it down, put the phone down and stared into space in disbelief.

Janie was agog. ‘Oh my God, did he just dump you?'

‘No,' I said crossly. ‘I nearly dumped him, as a matter of fact. He's currently pleading for his life.'

Her eyes widened. ‘Why would you dump him?'

‘Because he's a selfish son of a bitch who only pleases himself?'

Her expression didn't change.

‘Have you ever dumped anyone?' I asked. She shook her head mutely.

‘What do you think might be grounds for dumping someone?'

Still silent, she shrugged. I managed a half-smile.

‘Don't worry. I've got a substitute.'

Her eyebrows nearly reached her hairline.

Cockney Steve was deliberately ignoring all this girlie chat – or had been, from the moment he found out I wasn't on the receiving end.

‘Have you ever been dumped, Steve?'

‘Course not.' He flushed to the roots of his over-gelled hair.

‘Have you ever had a girlfriend, Steve?'

‘Fuck off!'

‘Are you sure you're not gay? Lots of people who work in marketing are, you know. Look at the colour of the walls.'

He fingered his gold chains and muttered at me.

It made me feel better, but didn't solve the problem. What in the hell was going on? This was beginning to feel like a very fucked up time in my life.

God, I'd spent months drooling over Alex, waiting
for him to come back to me. Which he had. And now, well, I didn't know what I was doing at all, or even how I felt. I loved him, but he was driving me crazy. More than anything, I wanted someone to come along and point me in one direction and say,
This way. This is the way to go to be happy. Go this way
.

I didn't think that was going to happen. But I phoned Fran anyway.

‘I'm thinking of finishing it with Alex,' I said to her as soon as she picked up.

She gasped. ‘Why?'

‘What do you mean, “why”? You think he's a good-for-nothing cocksucker. Isn't that a good enough reason?'

‘No, I mean, why now?'

‘Oh, like about a billion little things. Like last night, I really hurt my ankle and he wouldn't even come and get me. He said he was in with some mates, but I don't believe him. I think he was just being a lazy bastard. I mean, he really doesn't care about me at all.'

‘I think he does, you know.'

‘What the hell is this, the Alex Appreciation Society?'

‘Well, OK then. You know what I think. Chuck him immediately and go out with one of those nice McConnald boys.'

‘What do you mean, one of those nice McConnald boys? Only one of them's free, you know.'

‘So you'll take whatever's available?'

‘Shut up! You're not helping.'

‘Yes I am. Chuck Alex immediately and go out
with someone nice. What better help could I give you than that?'

‘But Fran … you know, it's Alex.'

‘Alex who you were madly in love with. I know. But now he's behaving like a prat, you're not in love with him any more. So, who gives a bison's bum? Move on!'

‘But I'm a great big yellow cowardy custard!'

‘All the more reason to do it now, while you're cross at him.'

‘I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't think I'll know until I see him. I'll phone you later. God, I feel sick.'

‘Fine, good, be sick, whatever. But please make sure you DITCH that sucker once and for all.'

‘Hnnn,' I said.

The day wore on for about thirty-four hours. I tried to concentrate, but it wasn't easy. My heart was beating fast and I couldn't sit still. All the time, the mantra ran through my head: Life without Alex. Life without Alex. It had been so long since I'd considered the possibility – in fact, I never had.

I remembered the look on his face the day we'd planned the taping, when he'd said he loved me, and my gut wrenched. But, if he loved me, why couldn't he behave like it? Not just do what he wanted, all the time, then send apologies afterwards.

I wished there was some space to pace up and down in. That might have helped.

‘Cheer up, might never happen,' winked Steve.

‘I know that. But if that is the case, should I move on now? Or should I stick at it and work on something that might have just started to build?'

‘You've gone bonkers, you ‘ave,' he said moodily.

At last I was free. I ran out of the building at top speed, even for me. I was meeting Alex in a trendy bar just down the road in Covent Garden, and when I reached it, I saw he was already there. Sitting with his back to me, the figure, in his leather jacket, looked sad and despairing, nursing a beer and staring into space. My heart sank. I wanted to run up to him and put my arms round him, pull him back to me.

He turned round to check the door and saw me standing in it, gazing at him. Without a word, he got up and ran to me, pulling me to him. I felt his strong body against me and closed my eyes. Tears ran out.

‘Please don't break up with me,' he said.

‘You have got to stop doing things like this!'

His face looked grey and haggard.

‘I know, I know.'

‘We can't go on having these bloody conversations! That's all we ever do! You behave like a prick and I forgive you!'

‘Shh. Come on. Sit down.'

We sat down at the table.

‘Can I get you a drink?'

I had a coffee. I stared into space while he fetched it, trying to figure out what to say.

He came back and sat facing me, and there was a silence.

Finally, I swallowed, and said it. I needed to hear him deny it. I needed to hear him tell me that he needed me.

‘Alex, I think we should maybe stop seeing each other for a while.'

He sat very calmly. Finally, and to my intense relief, he said, ‘I know. Please don't do this, Mel. Please.'

‘Give me one good reason why not. Really, since you got back, it's … it's been one slap in the face after another for me.'

‘You can't finish this because I was too drunk to pick you up.'

‘I'm not finishing it because of that. I'm finishing it because you turn up pished, you insult my friends, you fight with my friends, you let me down, and you won't commit. Is that a long enough list?'

Still calm, he reached out and took my hand, then looked to the ceiling as if trying to collect his thoughts.

‘Mel, there's something I have to tell you …' Then he reconsidered. ‘I mean, I can't tell you. But honestly, if you knew, it would change everything.'

‘Tell me. Or it's not going to.'

‘OK. Look, Mel, I didn't get that job. The one at the record company. That bloke who was going to help me … he won't return my calls, or see me or anything.'

He looked wretched.

‘I don't think I'm ever going to get into the business.
I mean, I'm twenty-nine now, and apparently they only want sixteen-year-olds these days.'

I waited for him to go on.

‘I don't know what I'm going to do for a living; I've never done anything much. In fact, my life, really, is a complete piece of shit.'

‘Thanks …'

‘Except for you,' he shushed me. ‘I've been thinking about this – trying to use some of the techniques I picked up, you know, when I was in India. Trying to figure everything out. And I think what's happening, subconsciously, is that I don't think I'm good enough for you. I'm trying to push you away, to make you prove you love me by misbehaving.'