Authors: H.L. Mencken
An Englishman does not wear suspenders but
braces
, his undershirt is a
vest
or
singlet
, and his drawers are
pants
. He carries, not a billfold, but a
note-case
. His crazy-bone is his
funny-bone
. His watch-crystal is his
watch-glass
, though English jewelers, among themselves, sometimes use
crystal
. A stem-winder is a
keyless-watch
, a Derby hat is a
bowler
, an elevator is a
lift
, a fraternal-order is a
friendly-
or
mutual-society
, an insurance-adjuster is a
fire-assessor
, a lunch-counter is a
snack-bar
, a pen-point is a
nib
, the programme of a meeting is the
agenda
, a realtor is an
estate-agent
, the room-clerk in a hotel is the
reception-clerk
, a white-collar job is
black-coated
, a labor scab is a
blackleg
, a street-cleaner is a
road-sweeper
, a thumbtack is a
drawing-pin
, a militia-armory is a
drill-hall
, a sham-battle is a
sham-fight
, what we call a belt (as in Cotton Belt, Corn Belt, Bible Belt) is a
zone
, a bid or proposal is always a tender (an Englishman
bids
only at auctions or cards), a traffic blockade is a
block
, a pay-roll is a
wage-sheet
, a weather-bureau is a
meteorological-office
, an eraser is usually an
india-rubber
, a newspaper clipping is a
cutting
, a grab-bag is a
lucky-dip
, hand-me-downs are
reach-me-downs
, a navy-yard is a
dock-yard
or
naval-yard
, a scratch-pad is a
scribbling-block
, a boy’s sling-shot is a
catapult
, a laborer on the roads or railroads is a
navvy
, a steam-shovel is a
crane-navvy
, and instead of signs reading “Post No Bills” the English put up signs reading “
Stick
No Bills.”
An Englishman, as we have seen, does not seek sustenance in a
tenderloin
but in an
undercut
or
fillet
. The wine on the table, if white and German, is not
Rhine wine
, but
Hock
. Yellow turnips, in England, are called
Swedes
, and are regarded as fit food for cattle only; when rations were short there, in 1916, the
Saturday Review
made a solemn effort to convince its readers that they were good enough to go upon the table. The English, of late, have become more or less aware of another vegetable formerly resigned to the lower fauna, to wit, American sweet corn. But they are still having some difficulty about its name, for plain corn, in England, means all the grains used by man. Some time ago, in the London
Sketch
, one C. J. Clive, a gentleman farmer of Worcestershire, was advertising
sweet corncobs
as the “most delicious of all vegetables,” and offering to sell them at 6s.6d. a dozen,
carriage-paid
. By
chicken
the English can mean any fowl, however ancient.
Broilers
and
friers
are never heard of over there. The classes which, in America, eat
breakfast, dinner
and
supper
have
breakfast, dinner
and
tea
in England;
supper
always means a meal eaten late in the evening. The American use of
lunch
to designate any irregular meal, even at midnight, is strange in England. An Englishwoman’s personal maid, if she has one, is not
Ethel
or
Maggie
but
Robinson
, and the nurse-maid who looks after her children is not
Lizzie
but
Nurse
. A general servant, however, is addressed by her given-name, or, as the English always say, by her
Christian
name. English babies do not use
choo-choo
to designate a locomotive, but
puff-puff
; a horse is a
gee-gee
. A nurse in a hospital is not addressed by her name, but as
Nurse
, and her full style is not
Miss Jones
, but
Nurse Jones
or
Sister
. The hospital itself, if it takes pay for entertaining the sick, is not a hospital at all, but a
nursing-home
, and its
trained
or
registered
nurses (as we would say) are plain
nurses
, or
hospital nurses
, or maybe
nursing sisters
. And the white-clad young gentlemen who make love to them are not
studying medicine
but
walking the hospitals
. Similarly, an English law student does not
study law
in his Inn of Court, but
reads the law
, though if he goes to a university to seek a doctorate in law he may be said to
study
it.
If an English boy goes to a
public school
, it is not a sign that he is getting his education free, but that his father is paying a good round sum for it and is accepted as a gentleman. A
public school
over there corresponds to the more swagger sort of American
prep school
; it
is a place maintained chiefly by endowments, wherein boys of the upper classes are prepared for the universities. What we know as a
public school
is called a
council-school
in England, because it is in the hands of the education committee of the County Council; it used to be called a
board-school
, because before the Education Act of 1902 it was run by a school-board. The boys in a
public (i.e.
, private)
school
are divided, not into
classes
, or
grades
, but into
forms
, which are numbered, the highest usually being the
sixth
. The benches they sit on are also called
forms
. An English boy whose father is unable to pay for his education goes first into a
babies’ class
in a
primary
or
infants’ school
. He moves thence to
class one, class two, class three
and
class four
, and then into the
junior school
, where he enters the
first standard
. Until now boys and girls have sat together in class, but hereafter they are separated, the boy going to a boys’ school and the girl to a girls’. The boy goes up a
standard
a year. At the
third
or
fourth standard
, for the first time, he is put under a male teacher. He reaches the
seventh standard
, if he is bright, at the age of twelve and then goes into what is known as the
ex-seventh
. If he stays at school after this he goes into the
ex-ex-seventh
. But some leave the
public elementary school
at the
ex-seventh
and go into the
secondary-school
, which, in this sense, is what Americans commonly call a
high-school
. But the
standard
system is being gradually replaced by a
form
system, imitating that of the more swagger schools. A
grammar-school
, in England, always means a place for the sons of the relatively rich.
Grade-schools
are unknown.
The principal of an English
public (i.e.
, private)
school
or
elementary-school
is a
head-master
or
head-mistress
, but in a
secondary-school
he or she may be a
principal
. Only girls’ schools have
headmistresses
. The lower pedagogues used to be
ushers
, but are now
masters
or
assistant masters
(or
mistresses
). The titular head of a university is a
chancellor
;
49
he is commonly a bigwig elected by the resident graduates for ornamental purposes only, and a
vice-chancellor
does the work.
50
Some of the universities also have
pro-chancellors
, who are bigwigs of smaller size; they have
deputy-pro-chancellors
or
pro-vice-chancellors
to discharge their theoretical functions. Most English universities have
deans
of faculties much like our own, and some of them have lately laid in
deans of women
, and even
advisers to women students
. They have minor dignitaries of kinds unknown in the United States,
e.g., proctors, orators
and
high stewards
. In Scotland the universities also have
rectors
, who are chosen by election, and, like the chancellors, are mainly only ornaments.
51
The head of a mere college may be a
president, principal, master, warden, rector, dean
or
provost
. In the solitary case of the London School of Economics he is a
director
. The students are not divided into
freshmen, sophomores, juniors
and
seniors
, as with us, but are simply
first-year-men, second-year-men
, and so on, though a
first-year-man
is sometimes a
freshman
or
fresher
. Such distinctions, however, are not so important in England as in America;
undergraduates
(they are seldom called students) do not flock together according to seniority, and there is no regulation forbidding an upper classman, or even a graduate, to be polite to a student just entered. The American hierarchy of
assistant instructors, instructors, assistant professors, associate professors, adjunct professors
and
full professors
is unknown in the English universities; they have only
readers
or
lecturers
and
professors
. If his chair happens to have been endowed by royalty, a professor prefixes
regius
to his title. A student, though technically a
member
of the university, has few rights as such until he is graduated (or, in some cases, until he takes his M.A.); then he may vote in the election which chooses his university’s representative (or representatives) in Parliament, and so enjoy double representation there. To hold this right he must pay dues to his college, which is a constituent part of the university, with rights and privileges of its own. The professors, lecturers and readers of a college or university do not constitute a
faculty
, but a
staff
,
52
and they are called collectively, its
dons
, though all teachers are not, necessarily,
dons
(
i.e.
, fellows). An English university student does not
study
; he
reads —
whether for a
pass-degree
, which is easy, or for
honours
, which give him seriously to think. He knows nothing of
frats, class-days, rushes, credits, points, majors, semesters, senior-proms
and other such things; save at Cambridge and Dublin he does not even speak of a
commencement
; elsewhere he calls it
degree-day
or
speech-day
. On the other hand his speech is full of terms unintelligible to an American student,
e.g., wrangler, tripos, head, greats
and
mods
. If he is expelled he is said to be
sent down
. There are no college boys in England, but only
university-men
. Alumni are
graduates
, and the graduates of what we would call prep-schools are
old-boys
.
The upkeep of
council-schools
in England, save for some help from the Treasury, comes out of the
rates
, which are local taxes levied upon householders. For that reason an English municipal taxpayer is called a
rate-payer
. The functionaries who collect and spend the money are not
office-holders
or
job-holders
, but
public-servants
, or, if of high rank,
civil-servants
. The head of the local police is not a
chief of police
, but a
chief constable
. The fire department is the
fire-brigade
, and a fire-alarm box is a
fire-call
. A city ordinance is a
by-law
, and a member of a City Council is a
councillor
. The parish poorhouse is colloquially a
workhouse
, but officially a
poor-law institution
. A policeman is a
bobby
familiarly and a
constable
officially, though the American
cop
seems to be making progress. His club or espantoon is his
truncheon
. He is sometimes mentioned in the newspapers, not by his name, but as
P.C. 643 A
—
i.e.
, Police Constable No. 643 of the A Division. When he belongs to what we call the traffic division he is said to he
on point duty
. There are no police
lieutenants
or
captains
; the one rank between
sergeant
and
superintendent
is
inspector
. The blotter at a police-station is the
charge-sheet
. A counterfeiter is a
coiner
, a fire-bug is a
fire-raiser
, and a porch-climber is a
cat-burglar
. The warden of a prison is the
governor
, and his assistants are
warders
. There is no
third-degree
and no
strong-arm-squad
, though both have been made familiar in England by American movies. An English saloon-keeper is officially a
licensed victualler
. His saloon is a
public house
, or, colloquially, a
pub
. He does not sell beer by the
bucket, can, growler, shell, seidel, stein
or
schooner
, but by the
pint, half-pint
or
glass
. He and his brethren, taken together, are the
licensed trade
, or simply the
trade
. He may divide his establishment into a
public-bar
, a
saloon-bar
and a
private-bar
, the last being the toniest, or he may call his back room a
parlour, snug
or
tap-room
. If he has a few upholstered benches in his place he may call it a
lounge
. He employs no
bartenders. Barmaids
do the work, with maybe a
barman, potman
or
cellarman
to help.
Beer
, in most parts of Great Britain, means only the thinnest
and cheapest form of malt liquor; better stuff is commonly called
bitter
. When an Englishman speaks of
booze
he means only ale or beer; for our
hard liquor
(a term he never uses) he prefers
spirits
, He uses
boozer
to indicate a drinking-place as well as a drinker. What we call
hard
cider is
rough
cider to him. He never uses
rum
in the generic sense that it has acquired in the United States, and knows nothing of
rum-hounds, rum-dumbs, rum-dealers
, the
rum-trade
, and the
rum-evil
, or of the
Demon Rum
. The American
bung-starter
is a
beer-mallet
in England, and, as in this country, it is frequently used for assault and homicide.