American Woman (45 page)

And because Jim's peers felt the same way, the psychologist's patients that Saturday night were as always the camp's oldest people, who had nowhere better to go. Jim's mother and father were there, having filed into Mess Hall 16 to get out of their room. They filed in, took their seats sleepily, and were soon being told that he, Jim, was a stranger to them. Jim—who'd turned eighteen in a prison, who wasn't getting to UCLA after all. Jim, with whom they had never sat shooting the breeze, because they spoke one language, and he spoke another. Jim was a stranger, and this was their fault—they had startled awake with their neighbors and friends, and denounced the young man for his rudeness. And then they'd streamed out of Mess Hall 16, not a fraction as angry as they had behaved. They were enlivened, to have vented frustration and defended themselves. They had gone to the workshop to get out of their rooms, and now it felt just as good to get out of the workshop. They excitedly voiced indignation, they noticed the wonderful breeze. It was warm. It was spring—their first spring in this place. There was an almost-full moon and they could see the ghostly wall of the Sierras standing right above them, glowing as if from within. They could hear insects—that had just happened, they realized. Insects had just, in the past night or two, come to life around them, as if squeezed from the newly warm air.

Walking unhurriedly away from Mess Hall 16, they splintered as successive blocks were reached, some going left, some right, down the barely distinguishable rows. Gardens were just being planted, rocks arranged near a couple of doorways, but it was more the deep instinct resulting from endless mindless repetition that told each increasingly smaller clutch of old men and women when they had to turn left, turn right, and continue until a next turn or a next. The barracks stretched out for a mile in every direction, black oblong boxes, level beneath the black night. Those who remained had grown quiet. They walked together in increasing distraction. Camp was so large that it was a while before they came within hearing range of the mess hall where the Saturday night dance was held, and they were only a few now whose barrack number had required that they come this way at all. Those who had already turned away into the night might have seen their sons and daughters setting off in this direction earlier that evening, or they might not have; most of them no longer even had dinner together. Their sons and daughters came home to sleep, hopefully. That's the most they saw of them.

At least, this was how Jim Shimada imagined it. This was how he imagined his parents, fifteen years after their near-simultaneous deaths and decades after camp, with the facility of empathy he hoped came of being a parent himself. He knew this idea was false; he knew that the fact of his fatherhood didn't make him any more able to understand his mother or father than Jenny, if she ever had children, if she even emerged from her own fiery youth, would be able to understand him. He knew no more of his parents now than he had at the age of eighteen, but he could imagine. They heard the gay, stubborn music from Mess Hall Number 4, and the music twined itself with the uncomfortable meditations that had been sparked by their long walk through camp. They knew they appeared, to their children and to many outsiders, without thought and perhaps even stupid. This was because, unlike their children, they'd perfected the dissimulating arts. They could even fool themselves into thinking they were without thought, but they were never without it. Every moment of their lives had been the product of pained calculation, of doubt and its opposite, the wild urge to gamble; they thought ceaselessly. The psychologist, of course, had hit home. The truth he'd spoken was one they lived close to but tried to ignore. Yes, their children were strangers. In certain ways they were even unlikable. They loved them, of course. But like them? It wasn't easy to like their rudeness, their selfcertainty, their callous smugness, their astounding greed, their repulsive capacity for the American sense of entitlement. Even so they still longed for their children, especially now, on the year's first warm night.

Standing before Mess Hall 4 they hesitated, then opened the door. They were met by a wall of cacophonous noise and by unpeaceful darkness; the dark seemed to roil and billow like smoke. Within it lights flickered and faded, illuminating their children, who were flipping and swinging each other. Their children were wearing flared skirts and slim loafers and garish sport shirts that they'd ordered from the Sears, Roebuck catalogue. Where had the money come from? It was their parents' life savings, withdrawn from the banks and sewn into their coats before leaving for camp. They'd feared the government somehow would tap their accounts, that the same force that had unsurprisingly breached storage units and misdirected mortgage payments would also remove their last hope and so assets were made cash and carried, and now the kids had breached the citadel themselves. They'd ordered ankle socks and twin sets and trombones from Sears, Roebuck, which delivered great heaps of American goods to the camp constantly, as if camp were like any small town.

Jim's parents, for all their superiority to him in age, in experience, in suffering and forbearance and prudence and cash management, were frightened. They entered the mess hall like the citizens of a subjugated city entering the bonfire-lit camp of the conqueror. They entered like supplicants, and instinctively ranged themselves close to the wall. They blinked in the spangled darkness. Party lights from Sears, Roebuck had completely transformed the dank, unpleasant space, so that now it felt stirringly vast. Their children handled each other with an intimacy and dexterity that were stirring as well, if disturbingly so. They strained their eyes scanning the crowd, seeking their own, only children. Jim's parents were so static and shadowed and old that they were sure they themselves were not seen, but Jim had seen them instantly from the far side of the hall as he unfurled his girl almost cruelly, felt the joint of her shoulder pull and catch, yanked her back. He had seen his parents and let his own face go stiff like a mask, imagined himself invisible as they imagined themselves invisible, though they were more than visible; they were small weighted shapes, like hanged men. His parents seemed to dangle in death even when they were moving, while he, Jim, was wildly alive. It didn't surprise him at all they could not recognize him.

Finished, he squared his shoulders and examined himself in the mirror. An old man, suddenly. His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a car cruising past on the road. Another car seeming somehow furtive; for the next two and a half months, until she was arrested, this would happen a handful of times, and he would never know whether this was really the net closing in, or his old paranoia. The paranoia operating as always, but soon to retrospectively look like clairvoyance. He darted his face close to the halfopen window, felt the air from outside on the traces of lather that still streaked his cheeks. The car passed at a crawl and went out of his sight to the left, but the road was quiet this morning, it wasn't hard to U-turn, and in a beat he saw the car passing slowly again, from the other direction. If this was an undercover car it was a good one, a customized surfermobile with brown-tinted windows and absurd orange pin stripes. Then it bumped onto the shoulder on the far side of the road and he stiffened, thinking of his other theory, half expecting the window to roll down and the brick to fly out. He would get the goddamn license number this time. And of course he was thinking of Jenny, and then it crossed his mind that this car could be hers. Without wiping his face he ran out of the bathroom, down the hall, out the front door and onto the step, and he could almost see the car start with alarm.

“Wait!” he shouted.

But the little car had sped away; and he'd been so stricken, so convinced suddenly it was her, that he'd only tried, futilely, to see through the dark windows. He forgot about the license plate number until the car was a speck, and then gone.

O
N AN
A
UGUST EVENING
a year and a half after Pauline was kidnapped, Jim Shimada saw Pauline's arrest on the six o'clock news, just like everyone else in the state and perhaps in the country. By the time the cameras had caught up Pauline was being pulled from a squad car in front of San Francisco's Federal Building. “Say something!” a voice called from the crowd.

“Venceremos!” Pauline yelled, and was hauled off to cheers.

It didn't take much attention to register that the yelling handcuffed girl looked nothing like the remote, wealthy girl whose pictures had dominated the news for so long. This new girl had long wild hair, a deep tan, wore a small pair of wire-rimmed glasses, striped T-shirt, and jeans. Jim barely glanced up from his dinner. It was a sweltering night, all the windows open, rush-hour traffic, such as it was in these parts, hissing past on the road. Jim's several barely functioning fans feebly stirred the hot air and made a disproportionate noise doing so. The TV volume was all but drowned out. It wasn't until the next morning, when he opened the paper, that he learned of the other arrest. The other girl rated barely a sentence: there were only the facts that she'd also been wanted, that she'd lived with Pauline, and her name. Jim dropped the paper, hands trembling. Then he closed and locked the greenhouse and the house, and caught a bus into Oakland.

By the time he arrived she had already met with her court-appointed lawyer, and it was this person Jim spoke to, not her. “She's fine,” the lawyer said. “Of course, frightened. And not eager to open up to me. I think she wishes we'd all leave her alone, an understandable wish, if imposs—”

“She doesn't want to see me,” Jim interrupted, guessing.

“She asked me to tell you, if you came, to please come back after she contacts you. I think that's normal in these circumstances. I think in a few days—”

“Tell her I'm waiting here,” Jim said. He gave the lawyer the number of the motel a few blocks from the jail where he'd taken a room. Before they parted the lawyer asked him if Jenny had any preferences in writing materials. The lawyer was going to ask Jenny to write something for him—not a confession, or a declaration of innocence, or anything that touched on the charges she faced, but a statement of feelings, beliefs. Jim gazed back at the man with distaste. It didn't seem likely to Jim that Jenny would “open up” to this person, ever. She would find such fastidious gestures as this condescending—preferred writing materials? Jenny was hardly a fetishist when it came to that stuff. She wrote on legal pads and with disposable pens, a certain brand that she bought by the box. She hated ballpoints, fat felt-tips, and overpriced fountain pens that needed cartridges. The pens she liked achieved a perfect balance between quality and accessibility. They weren't high-class—you could get them in a drugstore—but they made a fine line. As for paper, Jim would never have said she thought much about it. She liked legal pads or spiral-bound notebooks, didn't like fussy notebooks that tried to be pretty, or fancy paper that didn't have lines. Preferred writing materials? How on earth would he know? And yet he found himself answering, “Yes. Yes, she certainly does.”

Every day he called the lawyer from his motel room. He learned that Jenny had been pleased with the legal pads and the box of disposable pens. He learned she'd been willing to work on a statement that detailed her feelings and beliefs about things. He learned that she still wasn't willing to see him, but that she might feel more able when she'd finished her statement. Her statement, though her lawyer did not say so, never seemed to progress. For the rest of that week Jim ate all of his meals at a terrible diner next door to a storefront that said
BAIL BONDS.
He lay in a motel-room bed, mattress lumpy, sheets scratchy, and stared at the TV. He waited—while his greenhouse stayed shuttered, while his plants gasped for water and sagged in the heat. While bricks, in his insomnial half-awake dreams, exploded through his windows. He knew there was nothing to wait for. As extraordinary as all of this was, it was also just one more stubborn face-off between himself and his daughter. He was staying to show that he'd stayed. At week's end nothing had changed as he'd known nothing would. He gave the lawyer his number in Stockton, and took the bus home.

W
HEN HE
stepped down from the bus to the shoulder on the far side of the highway, his gut heavy with dread, the bus driver having done him a favor and dropped him off here instead of making him ride all the way into town, the dim highway light showed him only the lopsided form of his house—yet he somehow could tell that the house had survived unmolested. Perhaps just because he'd been gone, he thought then, as he crossed the quiet highway in darkness, his backpack on his shoulder. Perhaps they were waiting for him to unlock his screen door, step inside, feel his way to his lamp. Then they'd home in on him.

Or would they? Jenny was so overshadowed, he thought the next several days, with mingled relief and annoyance, as he read the newspapers. Column after page after section detailed Pauline's condition in the words of her lawyers and doctors and brainwashing experts and family spokespeople, while Jenny was never mentioned. Pauline's doctors were there to explain that Pauline was severely malnourished, hallucinated as if experiencing flashbacks from drugs, spoke in flat tones “like a zombie,” and initially failed to recognize her own family members. Pauline's brainwashing experts were there to assert that like the prisoners of war of Red China, she had been brainwashed by her captors through deprivation and violence, and had committed no criminal acts willfully. Pauline's lawyers were there to detail her pathetic condition in a motion for bail, although the judge, just like Jim and the rest of the world, had seen the tanned Pauline yell “Venceremos!” at the TV cameras. The judge denied Pauline bail.

It was just after this that Jim had his first glimpse of his daughter. Not a glimpse that would tell him whether
she
was in any way malnourished, or drugged, or brainwashed. Not a glimpse of her hair—short or long? he wondered. He'd forgotten to ask the lawyer that. Not a glimpse of her dark severe eyebrows, the same eyebrows as his, like a double-dash chunk of Morse code. But a glimpse nonetheless. Two days after the judge had denied Pauline bail, Pauline's lawyers filed a second motion for bail, this one containing the testimony of an “unnamed person” said to be uniquely qualified to comment on Pauline's situation in the months leading up to her capture. This person had known Pauline during what was now being called “the lost year,” and this person affirmed that Pauline
was
malnourished, drugged, brainwashed, an unwilling prisoner, never a willing participant in any criminal act. This person—this mysterious defender of Pauline—went not just unnamed but also uncommented-on in the paper. No one seemed to wonder who this person was, but Jim knew—”That's you, Jenny!” he said. He jerked forward over the paper, and his loose glasses fell down his nose—broken temple, reattached with a paper clip, he couldn't remember to go to a jeweler. “Goddammit, what the hell are you doing?” But he was strangely glad to see her surface amid the newsprint, above the rough waves of the other girl's story. Because it was her story, too—that was what moved him now, that in this carnival of news and headlines and nightly TV updates and interviews and op-eds she was forgotten, discarded. It was also a blessing, of course. It meant this time his windows might stay unbroken. Meant she might have some life to return to when she got out of there—it was the first time he'd let himself think about this.