America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 20: Time Machine (8 page)

“I
’m not getting in that contraption,” replied Private Christ. “If God meant for humanity to ride on treads, we wouldn’t have web feet.”

“Legion doctors can get your feet fixed.
I heard you’re some sort of good luck charm. I want you at the head of the column, in case the road is mined!”

“No way,
José!”

“You best get up here,” ordered Sergeant Williams.
“Don’t make me come down and get you, boy. I’ll duct tape you to the hood like a lucky Jesus. Ha! Another use for–”

“Fine!
But this is the last time.”

“Don
’t worry,” advised Tonelli. “All Legion tanks have air conditioning. If you die, at least you’ll die comfortable.”

* * * * *

It’s not everyone who can talk to God while still sober, or not under the influence of magic mushrooms or a scorpion sting. I wondered if I would be eligible for sainthood, or some other promotion. ‘Saint Czerinski’ had a certain ring to it.
Probably not. Are Polish saints even allowed?
I checked the database.
Yes! There are lots of great Polish saints, but most of them get killed. It’s discrimination.

Major Lopez interrupted my thoughts of divinity, pounding on the time machine control panel.

“Where did those spiders go?” I asked, alarmed at Lopez’s frustration. “We need to follow them.”

“I don
’t know,” answered Major Lopez, shrugging. “It’s doesn’t matter. Whatever their mission, they failed. We’re still here.”

“What if they jumped to the future?”

“There’s nothing we can do. Yesterday, today, or
Mañana
, it makes no difference. They’re gone, unable to return. We won this round.”

* * * * *

The spider Intelligentsia officer and his commandos traveled through time to oxygen-rich prehistoric Old Earth. Terrifying vermin dinosaurs of all shapes and sizes swirled about them through the air and dense jungle. Radio contact with home was lost. Panicked commandos fired in all directions as a flock of pterodactyls swooped upon them in a feeding frenzy. The beasts fell from the sky at their feet. Other monsters, attracted by the sound of gunfire and the smell of blood, pressed in from the jungle.

Determined to salvage their mission, the Intelligentsia officer began assembling a planet destroying doomsday device from parts carried by other commandos.
When finished, the destructive power of the explosion would leave Old Earth cloaked in an apocalyptic nuclear winter, transforming the planet to an ice ball incapable of supporting life. The evolution of human pestilence would be nipped in the bud, and good riddance.

The commandos traveled some distance before burrowing deep into the ground.
As intended, the explosion was devastating, killing the monstrous dinosaurs and most other Old Earth vermin. Eventually the spiders died too, of despair and hunger deep below the surface. Their bodies were scavenged and eaten by the new masters of Old Earth, rodent-like burrowing creatures, Mammalia. Humanity inherited Old Earth, alone in a dangerous galaxy infested with exoskeleton species.

Chapter 1
1

The counterattack was brief at the border. Arthropodan marines assisted legionnaires rounding up the last Intelligentsia commandos. The spiders were glad to have their old commander back in charge. When the spider commander was freed from jail, the Governor of the North territory called for details about the recent combat in New Gobi City.

“Your boy is missing in action,” advised the spider commander.
“He’s presumed dead. Good riddance, considering he almost started a galactic war with the human pestilence. Care to explain that warrant of arrest you signed?”

“That was most unfortunate,” apologized the
governor. “Our late Intelligentsia commander is being spun as a rogue bandit type trying to pillage illegal artifacts for the lucrative museum market. It’s just a local incident and misunderstanding.”

“And his real mission?”

“That’s top secret. I did you a favor by locking you up, because now you can deny any involvement. That’s more than I can say for myself.”

“Thank you,” replied the spider commander, still not mollified.
“I’ve been kissing some serious human pestilence ass, explaining our attack was all just one big mistake. Czerinski is taking our attempt to kill him personal. That human pestilence holds a grudge forever.”

“Speaking of top secret,” continued the
governor, “the General Staff believes Czerinski may have deployed a secret weapon against our commandos. There are reports that a tornado reached down from the sky and attacked our armor and troops unmercifully. I want our defeat investigated.”

“The Butcher of New Colorado has a reputation for not taking prisoners.”

“That doesn’t explain tanks and armored cars being tossed about like toys. I’ve never heard of tornadoes in the New Gobi area. It doesn’t add up.”

“I
’ll review the helmet camera downloads of the battle,” promised the spider commander. “It was probably just a dust devil. We have dust devils all the time. They’re like tornadoes, except different, with less water, and no cows flying by.”

“I have eye
-witness reports of a bright light from the sky, followed by a human pestilence hand reaching down and squashing commandos.”

“Magic mushroom abuse is pervasive in the New Gobi,” scoffed the spider commander.
“I blame the fog of war, and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, and video games.”

“If Czerinski has a secret weapon, I want it.
You will investigate the matter thoroughly. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Your Excellency.”

* * * * *

The spider commander contacted Corporal Tonelli at his guard shack to offer assistance, and to collect on New York sweeping Seattle.

“I heard your partner picked New York to sweep, then reversed his bet,” commented the spider commander. “Too bad, so sad.”

“It happens,” replied Tonelli, giving the spider guard across the border a hard stare for snitching on Jesus.
“Do you want to bet on Texas-Seattle?”

“What?” shouted the spider guard.
“Guido, I didn’t tell anyone anything. I’m no snitch!”

“Let
’s call your partner over,” suggested the spider commander smugly. “See who he thinks will win the series.”

Corporal Tonelli motioned for Jesus to take a break.
“Someone wants to talk to you!”

“I
’m told you know your baseball,” said the spider commander conversationally, shaking hand and claw with Private Christ. “First, I appreciate your tankers rescuing me from my own prison. Are you connected, like my friend Guido?”

“I lost my enlistment bonus on the last Yankees game,” lamented Private Christ.
“Gambling is evil. I recommend against it.”

“Lots of things are evil.
It’s all relative. Where do you get your baseball savvy?”

“From my
Dad,” explained Private Christ. “He knows all. He’s a fan, but I’ll never gamble again. It’s a sin. I know it.”

“Don
’t you want to get your money back? I’ll loan you more than enough to get your money back, if you can hook me up with a winner for the American League title.”

“I
’ll talk to my Dad.”

“Sorry about almost killing you two during the last war,” advised the spider commander as an afterthought.
“Goodwill goes a long way. Next time I’ll give you fair warning, if you pick me a winner.”

“Thanks for nothing,” groused Corporal Tonelli.
“You owe me big-time anyway, if you expect to do business through my sports book. It was a miracle we didn’t get crushed by your tanks.”

“Fair enough.
Speaking of miracles, there was a report of strange lights in the sky during the battle. Did you see anything?”

“Sorry, there were no UFO sightings on my watch.”

“What kind of bright lights?” asked Private Christ. “Omniscient?”

“Exactly!
What did you see?”

“Nothing.
I saw nothing.”

Chapter 1
2

President John Kennedy addressed the assembled guests at Rice University. “I am particularly delighted to be here. This City of Houston, this State of Texas, this country of the United States, was not built by those who waited and rested and wished to look behind them. This country was conquered by those who moved forward – and so will space.

“William Bradford, speaking in 1630 of the founding of the Plymouth Bay Colony, said that all great and honorable actions are accompanied with great difficulties, and both must be enterprised and overcome with answerable courage.

“Man, in his quest for knowledge and progress, is determined and cannot be deterred. The exploration of space will go ahead, whether we join in it or not, and it is one of the great adventures of all time, and no nation which expects to be the leader of other nations, can expect to stay behind in the race for space.

“Those who came before made certain that this country made the first waves of the industrial revolution, the first waves of modern invention, and the first wave of nuclear power, and this generation does not intend to founder in the backwash of the coming age of space.
We mean to lead it. For the eyes of the world now look into space, to the moon, and to the planets beyond, and we have vowed that we shall not see space governed by a hostile flag, but by a banner of freedom.

“Yet the vows of this
nation can only be fulfilled if we in this nation are first; and, therefore, we intend to be first. In short, our leadership in science and in industry, our hopes for peace and security, our obligations to ourselves as well as others, all require us to make this effort, to solve these mysteries, to solve them for the good of all men, and to become the world’s leading space-faring nation.

“We set sail on this new sea because there is new knowledge to be gained, and new rights to be won, and they must be won and used for the progress of all people.
For space science, like nuclear science and all technology, has no conscience of its own. Whether it will become a force of good or ill depends on man, and only if the United States occupies a position of pre-eminence can we help decide whether this new ocean will be a sea of security or a new terrifying theater of war.

“There is no strife, no prejudice, no national conflict in outer space as yet.
Its hazards are hostile to us all. Its conquest deserves the best of all mankind. But why, some say, the moon? Why choose this as our goal. And they may well ask why climb the highest mountain? Why, thirty-five years ago, fly the Atlantic? Why does Rice play Texas, and not Boston College?

“We choose to go to the moon in this decade and to do other things, not because they are easy, but because they are hard, because that goal will serve to organize and measure the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which only America can accomplish.

“Not only will we go to the moon, but we will launch probes to explore the solar system and beyond, to map the stars for America and humanity to follow. The growth of our science and education will be carried by new knowledge of our universe and environment, by new techniques of learning and mapping and observation, and by new tools and computers for industry. Houston, your city of Houston, once the furthest outpost on the old frontier of the West, will be the furthest outpost on the new frontier of science and space.

“Many years ago
, the great British explorer George Mallory, who was to die on Mount Everest, was asked why did he want to climb it. He said, ‘Because it is there.’ Well, space is there, and we’re going to climb it, and the moon and the planets are there, and new hopes for knowledge are there. And therefore, as we set sail, we ask God’s blessing on the most hazardous and dangerous and greatest adventure on which man has ever embarked.”

* * * * *

A year later, a reporter asked, “Will the President be traveling to Dallas for an update on the breakthrough technological and beam propulsion advances?”

“Dallas?” scoffed
NASA Assistant Deputy Director Manny Lopez. “Not likely. I will brief the President in Washington. The President will go nowhere near Dallas.”

* * * * *

Captain Sally Ride, commanding the modified space shuttle
Challenger
and six crew members, approached Asteroid 449 Hamburga, a cold carbonaceous rock fifty-five miles in diameter, out in the Asteroid Belt.
Challenger
was humanity’s first visitor, a joint venture by private enterprise and government. The military intended to place sensors to listen for alien life beyond the Solar System. McDonald’s Corporation sought to claim its first asteroid in an ever growing hamburger-flipping empire. Mars and Asteroid 449 Hamburga were just the beginning. Quarter Pounders and Chicken McNuggets would boldly go where no man had gone before.
Burger King comes in second again, those punks!