“Not a chance,”
I said.
He regarded me
with a steady gaze and said, “One day your life will flash before your eyes,
Lexi. Make sure you’re living it and not watching it.” I wanted to tell him I
completely understood what he was talking about, but I didn’t. Staring into his
striking green eyes, I realized how relaxed and comfortable I always felt with
him. For a minute, I even considered telling
him
about my snapshots and
was surprised when I didn’t feel any of that anxiety that always stopped me
from telling Jessica. In the end, I thought better of that idea, because I
certainly didn’t want him thinking I was crazy and taking a hike. I enjoyed our
casual relationship and found the more time we spent together, the more I liked
him. So I kept my secrets locked inside.
A live
performance at the Mount Baker Theatre, followed by a home-cooked meal at the
Nelson home rounded out the last couple days of July. After dinner, I sat down
with Jessica’s mom and listened as she described her experiences as an
Amethyst. I walked away from the conversation with a few helpful pointers and a
renewed sense of hope that I’d join her ranks one day. But mostly, I felt
hopeful, because I’d finally found a place where I fit in.
I was thinking
about hope when I stopped dead in my tracks just outside the entrance of the
Fairhaven grocery store. Grabbing onto one of the green shopping carts for
support, I wondered how I’d allowed such idiocy to rule my actions.
“What’s up? Are
the snapshots coming?” Ally asked with concern.
Wide-eyed, I
looked at her and shook my head. In a rush, I said, “No, it’s not that. I…I’m
not sure this is such a great idea. I know I wanted to see Jason again, but now
that we’re here I’m totally freakin’ out.”
Ally dropped her
hand and laughed. “Oh that’s all? Don’t be a coward. You’re gonna be fine.
Besides, you gotta decide if you want to waste any more time daydreaming about
this Jason guy,” she scowled, “or start making the moves on Ash.” She smiled,
and I rolled my eyes. “Come on,
of course
he’ll be here. Let’s get this
settled once and for all
.
” She tugged me forward.
“Wait,” I said
crossly and dragged her back. “I recognize that tone. What do you mean by, ‘Of
course he’ll be here?’”
“Oh,” she said
carelessly, twisting a strand of hair around her finger, “I might have called
to make sure he was working today.” I gave her a dirty look, and she hurried
on, “Yep! And the lady that answered the phone even told me,” she glanced at
her watch, “that he has a lunch break from noon to one. Imagine that – perfect
timing.”
“What?” I said
incredulously. “They aren’t supposed to give out that information.” She looked
at me innocently. I crossed my arms and scolded, “You’re sooo bad. No way am I
going in there now.”
“Oh yes you
are.” Seizing my arm again, she shoved me through the door. “I’m going to
meander slowly through the store looking for the ingredients to this new
Italian sausage and potato recipe. That gives you plenty of time to find Mr.
Aqua-Marine Eyes and chat for awhile.”
I put my finger
to my lips and shushed her. “Keep your voice down and no more nicknames,
please. Oh, and by the way,” I added as an afterthought, “stop being so darn
bossy.”
“O
nly
if
you promise to introduce me once you’ve had time to gaze into his dreamy eyes.”
“You’re such a
pill,” I said. “Just get going already.”
She smiled, and
with a flip of her auburn hair headed down the closest grocery aisle, swinging
her basket a little too jubilantly. Her striped sundress disappeared from view,
and I heaved a sigh of relief. I knew the employee break room was accessible
through produce, so I headed that way.
Somewhere
between the Gala and Fuji apples, I caught a glimpse of Jason from behind, and
my heart started pounding. Standing next to the refrigerated salad dressings,
he was in a conversation with another employee who was stocking salad kits.
Mustering my courage, I took a deep breath and strode towards him.
When I was about
five feet away the other employee noticed me and said pleasantly, “Hi, can I
help you find something?”
Jason turned
around, and when he spotted me his eyes flickered, and his lips parted. He’d
lost his rugged outdoorsy edge but had cleaned up well. He looked extremely
handsome in a white shirt, royal blue tie, and black slacks. Butterflies
overtook my stomach, and I smiled self-consciously. However, his stance
suddenly straightened, and he clenched his jaw. Thick lines appeared across his
forehead, and I realized he looked angry. My stomach dropped, and I knew I
shouldn’t have come.
“Actually Joe,”
Jason said possessively, pushing past him, “this customer is mine.” I opened my
mouth to comment, but he said in a gruff voice, “Come with me.”
Shrugging, I shook
my head and walked past Joe, who looked as confused as I felt. I patted his
shoulder, more for my own reassurance than his, and then trailed after Jason
with foreboding.
He stopped next
to the pistachio bins in a secluded corner of bulk foods and said crossly,
“Alex, what are you doing here?”
My shoulders
stiffened at his tone. “I’m shopping with Ally,” I said defensively, “and since
you’d mentioned you worked here, I thought I’d say hi.” The lines at the
corners of his eyes intensified with accusation, making me feel like a stalker.
I quickly blurted out, “But obviously I’ve made a big mistake…so, I’ll take off
and let you get back to work.”
“Look,” his
voice was hard, “that’s not…” He stopped and raised his hands mid-air. “Is
there something you want from me?”
Heat flooded my
cheeks. What kind of answer could I possibly give? That I couldn’t stop
thinking about him and was desperate to see him again. “I don’t
want
anything.” My lips trembled and I looked down at my ring, studying it hard. I
felt like such a fool. “I just wanted to thank you for lunch the other day and
make sure everything was okay. The way you bolted after getting that phone call
had me worried.”
“Oh, that? That
was nothing,” he said with a dismissive wave.
On the verge of
tears, I lowered my head and turned away. I didn’t want him to see the hurt
shattering my composure and distorting my face. I didn’t want him to stare into
the pools of my dark eyes and see I wanted nothing, yet everything from him.
“Wait,” he said,
and I froze in place on the hard concrete floor.
A giggling,
teenage girl rounded the corner and bumped into me. “Oops, I’m sorry,” she
said. Something in my face must have told her it wasn’t a good time, because
her lips parted, exposing a set of silver braces, and she clasped her friend’s
shirt. “Sofia, I just remembered something I need in the…bakery.” They did an
about face and hastened away.
My nose started
twitching, and I realized the culprit behind my sudden stuffiness was the open
bin of chocolates. I blamed my watery eyes and swelling throat on allergies,
but deep down I knew it was more than that. I mustered up enough courage to
speak, but I still didn’t turn and face him. “Jason,” I said in a shaky voice,
“I can tell when my company is unwanted. It was wrong of me to show up here.
I’m sorry I misread your lunch invitation as something other than a charity
invite.” When he didn’t respond I continued. “I enjoyed our lunch together, and
I apologize for seeing a potential friendship between us, one that is obviously
not mutually perceived.” Dang, it hurt to say that. I drew in a deep breath,
trying to quell the sick feeling in the bottom of my stomach and the strange
tug on my heart. No way was I going to admit I’d been contemplating more than
friendship. Those darn aqua-marine eyes of his had me all screwed up.
My little
soliloquy was met with dead silence. Soft music played over the speakers, and I
could hear Joe talking to a customer in the produce department. After an
eternity, Jason still hadn’t spoken a word, and I became increasingly
uncomfortable. Not only was I disappointed, but my pride lay splattered all
over the floor. I’d have to be careful not to slip and fall in it on the way
out. With no intention of looking back, I shook my head and started to walk
away before tears commenced. Ally was right; I needed to get over him and focus
on Ash.
I didn’t even
hear him move. He was fast, like an eagle swooping down to seize its prey.
Having gone no more than three steps, I tensed when two hands, which felt more
like talons, landed roughly on my shoulders and propelled me around so quickly
I almost lost my balance. He pulled me so far into his personal space that even
I felt awkward. He brought his face within inches of mine and said firmly,
“You’re so wrong.” His breathing was erratic. Little blasts of Wintergreen
brushed against my face, as his mouth, and those…those surprisingly close lips,
drew uneven breaths. Unblinking, his eyes slashed through my already shattered
self-esteem. Even though I felt weak in the knees, a cozy warm feeling
originated where he held my shoulders and began permeating throughout my body,
giving me an unusual sense of solace and…and peace. Gazing directly into his
aqua-marine eyes was a mistake. Intense and stunning, they dominated my entire
being.
“I am?” I asked
in confusion.
“Alex,” he said
sternly and shook me a little bit. “I invited you to lunch, because you
intrigue me, and I wanted to know more about you.”
“You did?” My
voice sounded funny, like it was coming from far away. He nodded and I tried to
break his gaze but found I couldn’t.
“I did…I do have
an interest in you. It’s just that I…I have a very complicated life. I cannot
be more than a friend…and I wouldn’t be a very good one of those, either. I
don’t want you thinking worse of me than you already do. It would be better if
we didn’t…” He broke off suddenly, released my shoulders, and with a slight
shove pushed me backwards. He shook out his hands like he’d just pulled them
out of a boiling pot of water.
The intense heat
waves I’d been experiencing scattered abruptly, leaving behind a cold, empty
feeling. At least I snapped out of my reverie, and as rational thought
rebounded, I thought of how upset Ally would be with me. She’d tell me it was
time to call a spade a spade.
“Well,” I said
haughtily, “you certainly don’t have to make a bunch of excuses. I’m not so
desperate that I need to beg for friends, you know.”
“Of course you
don’t…” he started to say.
“I’m not done
yet.” I pointed my finger in his face. Where had this burst of energy come
from? I didn’t know, but I was ready to dish it out. “I enjoyed our lunch
together, right up until the part where you ditched me. Before that, I’d had a
nice time. I thought we’d established a friendship. Obviously, I was wrong.
Today, you’ve been nothing but rude and hurtful and…”
“Alex,” he
interrupted, “that was not my intention. I’m really sorry.” At least he had the
dignity to look sincere.
“Sure you are.”
I balled my hands into fists to keep them from shaking.
“You caught me
by surprise, but I had no right to speak to you like I did. What you have to
understand is that while I might personally enjoy spending time with you, for
your own sake, I’ve decided it wouldn’t be fair to you.” He rubbed his hand
over his cheek and across his jaw before continuing, “Like I said before, my
life is complicated, and I have commitments elsewhere.” His eyes pleaded with
me to accept his explanation.
I crossed my
arms and snorted. “So nice of you to make
my
decisions for me. And by
the way, your excuses are lame. But look, if you’re life is so full you don’t
need any more friends, or…or you have some domineering girlfriend who has you
on such a short leash you can’t have female friends…”
His eyes
widened, and he coughed. He even looked like he was trying to suppress a
chuckle. I stopped talking and looked at him in disbelief. Even though he
appeared remorseful, he burst into laughter.
A girl’s
high-pitched voice bombarded the intercom system. “Can I get a price check on
seven, please? A price check on seven. Thank you.”
Even though I
was irritated, the whole situation suddenly seemed humorous. I started laughing
along with him. I barely knew him, yet here we were bickering like a married
couple. What was wrong with us? When we both came to our senses and stood
looking uncertainly at one another, I said, “What the heck was that all about?”
He caught his
breath, “I don’t know. Nothing. Everything. Or maybe you’re just impressive
when you’re mad.” After I gave him a condescending look, he said, “I’m sorry,
and I totally deserved everything you dished out. Actually, I’m surprised you
didn’t utter a few other choice words. But I’m sorry, and I promise I
understand.”
“I wonder, do
you really?” I asked, on the defensive again. Before he could respond, I said,
“Look, I can make my own decisions about who I want to hang out with. The real
question is this,” I said tersely, “are you trying to convince me to leave you
alone because you have a legitimate reason I shouldn’t be around you, or is it
because you’d really rather be rid of me? Give it to me straight. I can handle
the truth.”
He looked
injured, like I’d just delivered an undeserving blow. “Alex, I think you know
the answer to that. You intrigue me and provoke my mind, but you also knock me
off balance.” He studied me for a moment. “I do have my reasons, good, logical
reasons why you should steer clear of me. If I make my decisions based on
logic, then I stay in control–”
“Too bad for
you,” I interrupted, shaking my head. “Your black and white, logical world must
be awfully stark. I, on the other hand, believe there is always a gray area…”
“No big surprise
there,” he muttered and looked at me cross-eyed before saying assertively, “I
bet you let your emotions guide you through life and you never take into
account what’s rational.”