Amnesia (26 page)

She looked up into his eyes, those beautiful blue eyes that testified of his concern for her. She wanted so much to have someone protect her, and here he was offering his home to her, as well as his love. Why was she resisting what she so much wanted?

She recalled the last time they had sat like this, how she was so certain he had ulterior motives, yet he had simply allowed her to cry it out without any strings attached. Perhaps she was being silly not accepting his proposal. He seemed so sincere. And she wanted to be held and kept safe so badly.

His arms enveloping her were so comfortable, so strong and protective. Every girl she knew ached to have him care about her. Even her own mother felt they should be together. She was so confused right now, her emotions swinging around so wildly. She could no longer remember why she had ever fought being with him. She was so lonely.

She pulled back from him slightly, still watching his face, his beautiful face. She felt the distance between them closing, her resistance melting in her vulnerable state. She couldn’t back away now if she wanted. She wasn’t sure any longer if that was what she wanted or not.

Before she realized what was happening, their lips had met, her loneliness pouring into the kissing, adding passion to the caress. She felt burning desire flood through her, all inhibitions melting before the heat. She could tell that he too was responding to the embrace, and she sensed her world collapsing beneath her.

She no longer cared what else happened. All she felt was the need to be with someone and to no longer face this all alone. Too much had happened lately, and she longed for escape and satisfaction. Somewhere a small voice nagged at her to stop and back up, that this was wrong, but she no longer cared. She had been patient long enough. It was time for her to have what she wanted.

She stood, took his hands, pulling him up, where they embraced again, kissing intensely. Darrion broke it off, breathlessly, and whispered softly, “Let’s go back to my office. We won’t be disturbed there.”

He turned, took her hand, and led her to the door. She knew what he wanted, and she was ready and willing to give it to him. She needed it as much as he at this moment. He opened the door and together they stepped out, heading for his office.

They walked right into Robbie, Carrie, and a badly bruised Beverley Windham.

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*

The five people stared at each other for a few moments before Darrion broke the silence. “Miss Windham, good to see you again. Your parents must be so glad to see you.”

“Um, they don’t know,” she responded. “And I’d rather keep it that way for the time being.”

The conversation brought the still swooning Lissa back to reality, and she felt a new concern, which manifested itself as anger. “What are you doing here?” she nearly shouted.

“I needed to see Peter,” Beverley replied lamely.

“But you need your rest! And I thought the idea was to stay hidden,” Lissa protested.

“I know. But I need to see him, to make sure he’s okay. Please Lissa, I need to know.”

“I’m not even sure where he is,” she countered more subdued, understanding the desire to be with someone close. “I’ve been told he’s been moved.”

“Actually, I believe he’s still in the same room,” Darrion interjected. “I heard they were going to move him, but that the floor didn’t have any open beds yet. I can take you there if you like.”

“Please do,” Beverley pleaded.

“Right this way.”

Darrion moved off down the hall toward the elevators with the rest trailing behind him. He was obviously upset at the interruption, but there was no way to avoid it now.

For her part, Lissa was immensely grateful for the appearance of her friends, knowing full well what would have happened had they not been there. She realized that she had nearly threw away all of her hopes and dreams on a moment of pleasure, and she chastised herself for letting things go the way they had. She couldn’t believe she had allowed herself to get into the situation, and couldn’t help acknowledging that without the sudden appearance of these people things would have turned out much differently.

She vowed that she would never allow herself to be alone with Darrion like that again. But even as she told herself these things she felt an odd feeling of disappointment. She was still very lonely.

“Are you okay?” It was Robbie that cut into her thoughts, sensing her discomfort.

“It’s been a bad day,” was all she said.

“So we’ve heard,” he responded. “Carla called,” he replied to her questioning look. “She’s worried about you. In fact we all are.”

Lissa smiled at her friend, grateful for the obvious concern in his countenance. She knew he was sincere, and it touched her. A feeling of warmth filled her heart, dispelling some of the gloom that had settled on her. She suddenly decided that she wanted to take advantage of his willing heart, and allow him to shoulder some of the weight she carried.

“Listen guys,” she spoke to the group, “do you mind if Robbie and I catch up with you later? I’d like to show him something.”

“Sure,” Carrie responded. “We’ll be with Peter when you need us. And if we need you, we’ll page. I’m sure the hospital will still do that.” She smiled at Lissa, got onto the elevator with the other two, and then sent a short wave to Robbie and Lissa as the doors closed.

“Come on,” Lissa said, “let’s take a ride.” She led him out the door and climbed into her waiting loaner car, the heat having dispelled some overnight, although it was still an intemperate 95 degrees. The heat on her skin actually felt good, somehow cleansing, erasing some of the guilt she felt, burning away the temptations that had assailed her.

She started the car, then left the hospital grounds headed down to the freeway, and then on to the Boise Idaho Temple. She marveled anew at its several white spires drawing eyes and thoughts heavenward, reminding all that they were not alone.

She parked the car and they got out, walking the temple grounds, speaking softly about the quiet majesty. She showed him the flowers and landscaping, telling him a little of the history of the beautiful gray building, basking in the sudden spiritual uplift the edifice emitted. She stopped in front of the fountain, silent for a moment, collecting her thoughts and admiring the beauty, and then sat on the marble bench beside the whispering water. Without a word Robbie sat beside her, somehow sensing what was to come.

“I know we don’t really know each other,” she started, “but in a way I feel like I’ve always known you. In some ways I feel like I know you better than you know yourself.”

He chuckled at the obvious irony, before she realized what she had said. Suddenly she caught the faux pas, and her cheeks colored. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think… I mean… I know that must… well….”

“It’s okay Lissa, it doesn’t bother me.” He smiled then grew serious again, bringing her back to the subject. “Actually, to be honest, I feel the same way. Like we were old friends getting reacquainted.”

“That’s it exactly,” she smiled back. “I can’t seem to explain it, but it’s so real. I wish I knew your real name. Maybe we did grow up together. Who knows?”

“Maybe so. But it doesn’t really matter, we’re together now.”

“Yeah,” she trailed off. She dropped her head, watching her hands, then turned away from him slightly, as if to shield herself from any pain he might cause as she opened up to him. “Robbie, I’m so scared.”

“I can understand that,” he announced. “First your car, then the stuff at the hospital, then last night. Heck, I’m still reeling from that. Add everything that happened this morning, and I don’t know how you’re still standing.”

She cringed knowing much of what haunted her about this morning was mostly about what almost happened, rather than what did.

“It’s more than that though,” she continued. “Sometimes I just feel so alone. I mean, I know my Father in Heaven is there, but sometimes that just isn’t enough. I need more. I need to…” She paused.

“To what?” he prompted.

“I need to know that someone cares about me. I need to care about someone else. I can’t do everything alone.” She rushed through the statements, afraid that if she were to slow down she wouldn’t be able to finish. “Robbie, I’m tired of being alone. I want—need—someone in my life. I need a friend, and something more. Only I’m afraid that no one else will have me.”

“Looks like your doctor friend is more than willing to comfort you.” She turned to look at him after he said it, surprised at the depth of disgust in his voice. His expression left no doubt about his feelings on the matter.

“My mother seems to think that he’s the one.” She grinned at his expression. “You don’t agree with Mom?”

“Well, I, um, he just, I don’t know—there’s something about him that just feels…”

“Evil?”

“I don’t know him, so I wouldn’t dare go that far. He just sort of gives me the creeps is all,” he answered hesitantly.

“Actually, I agree with you, but, well, my mother and I don’t see eye-to-eye on everything. She thinks I should marry Darrion because he is handsome and wealthy. That’s what she did, and she feels that’s the way to do things. She married my father, a very well off businessman, because he had more than enough money to give her what she wanted. And he had the looks to boot.

“Yet I could see how miserable they were. My father was the consummate playboy, only marrying my mother because he needed a token wife to take to his cocktail parties. He was incensed with her when she became pregnant, because of what it would mean to his lifestyle. So he locked the two of us up in a gilded cage, and threw away the key.

“He never beat us or anything, just made it absolutely clear that we were to be invisible until he needed a good photo op. He turned to other ‘jet-set’ women to satisfy his wants and desires, and relegated my mother to babysitter. She never forgave him for that, even when he died from all the partying. And she never forgave me for causing it all.”

“I doubt she really felt that way,” Robbie appeased, “she was still your mother after all, and mothers don’t really feel that way.”

“I told myself the same thing growing up. And I almost had myself convinced, until I joined the church. On the day I was baptized I came home to find all of my things on the road outside our house. With it was a note from my mother, telling me that I had embarrassed her enough and that it was time for her to get on with the life I had stolen from her. At first I thought it was just a reaction to the baptism, but every time we talk she reminds me of how I ruined her life. So we don’t talk.”

“I’m so sorry,” Robbie empathized. “My mother was so different, at least what I can remember of her. She was warm and loving, always tried to make us happy. She was proud to be a mother; in fact she kept telling me that it was the only thing she ever wanted to be. She even gave up her dream of becoming teacher just to be with me.

“There was this one time that I was having trouble with math, I couldn’t multiply two digit numbers together right, like 24 and 37. I went from having straight A’s to straight F’s. The teacher, a real jerk, never bothered helping; he just marked the questions wrong and pronounced judgment. Then my mom sat down with me, had me work a couple of problems, and saw right off what I was doing wrong. She showed
me
how to do it right, and in ten minutes I went back to straight A’s.

“I will never forget that or her for doing it. I even ended up majoring in math in college and got my degree in Computer Science. I owe it all to my mother.”

He stopped when he saw Lissa staring at him with her mouth open. “What?” he asked, puzzled at her expression.

“What did you just say?” she said excitedly.

“I owe my career to my mother,” he repeated, still not getting it. Then suddenly it dawned on him. “I work on computers for my career!”

He jumped up from the bench, joined by Lissa; they took each other in their arms and stood bouncing up and down for a few moments, excitement filling their hearts. When they had drained their energy, they stopped and just looked into each other’s glistening eyes.

For the second time that day, Lissa found passion stirring inside her, and desire taking her breath away. Yet it wasn’t like it was earlier, a base longing that threatened to snuff out her dreams. Instead it felt like a fulfillment of dreams. Joy infused her, and she felt exalted, as if heaven and earth had come together in that place and time to announce that all was right.

Robbie bent to her, and gently kissed her, spreading warmth and exhilaration through them both. Chemistry and biology fused with spirituality, a perfect blending of desire and restraint, resulting in the feeling of being uplifted, rather than degraded. Absent were the feelings of unbridled passion, uncontrollable urges and demand for satisfaction. Instead there was a promise of fulfillment if all were done in correct order and timing. In short, the two expressed a deep feeling of sharing and giving love, rather than of skulking and thieving lust.

They broke apart, smiling at each other, tears of joy streaming down their radiant faces. The two felt a happiness and belonging that neither had felt before. Although the future still lay hidden before them, they knew that respect and love would always be in their feelings for each other. Along with all of this came a poignant and welcome feeling of peace.