An Untamed State (43 page)

Authors: Roxane Gay

We drove from one neighborhood I did not recognize to another neighborhood I did not recognize. Eventually, we stopped on a deserted street, far less dense than the alleys of Bel Air. He ordered the other men out of the car. They stood, huddled a few feet away, smoking cigarettes, laughing loudly as they joked.

I wanted the Commander to hold his gun to my head and pull the trigger. I wanted him to put me in the ground.

He sighed. “It did not have to be this way. Normally, I am a man of my word. I am a businessman. I do not harm women during the course of these negotiations.” He brushed a strand of loose hair from my face, tucked it behind my ear. “The only person to blame here is your arrogant father.”

I did not move. I did not believe I could be free.

The Commander opened his door but paused. “Perhaps next time you are driving through the city in your expensive car, you will look at the city around you instead of looking through the city around you.”

I stared at my bare feet. “I could say the same thing to you and the way you ride around in your expensive cars.”

The Commander chuckled. “You do amuse me. You know how to fight. You have a mouth on you. You should stay, be the boss’s woman. You’re no good to anyone else now.” He shrugged, rubbed his chin. “I ruined you for any man but me.”

I shook my head like I was having a seizure and slowly slid toward the door because if I made it past the door, I might find my way to the woman I had once been. He was probably playing a game and I did not want to give him the satisfaction of fooling me. And still. I wanted to be free. The Commander tried to help me out of the car but I slapped his hand away. I stood next to him and he tried to hold my arm.

I stepped away. “I would have never belonged to you.”

He nodded, sneered at me in the moonlight. The Commander grabbed me, digging his fingers into my arms. He pressed his lips to mine, his tongue thick and wet in my mouth. I tried to bite him but he did not pull away until he was satisfied. The man was, in all things, merciless.

“Run,” he said. “Run until you cannot run any farther. If we see each other again, I hope you will say hello. We are friends now. We have shared so much.”

The Commander kept talking but I did not listen. I did not want to hear his voice. I took a step away from the Commander and his men. I took another step. Every nerve in my body was raw, exposed. I took another step. I started walking quickly.

“I will not forget you,” the Commander shouted. “And you will not forget me.”

I wanted to tell him, “Yes, I will,” but I did not need to have the last word.

Instead, I ignored the pain, how it made my body feel open and completely worn-out. I ran and I ignored the Commander still shouting, his voice rising in pitch. I ignored how he sounded almost sad and lonely. I ignored how maybe we were both broken in similar ways. I did not look back. I listened for his footsteps behind me but there was only the sound of my terrified breathing and my bare feet on the ground. I ran faster. I finally dared to hope.

Acknowledgments

My parents, Michael and Nicole Gay, have made so much possible for me in so many ways. My brothers, Joel and Michael Jr., are okay, I guess; they have adorable children. My sister-in-law Jacquelynn is awesome and reads everything I write and seems to like it; her support never goes unnoticed or unappreciated.

My agent, Maria Massie, has so much faith in my writing and is a tireless champion. She has fabulous hair and impeccable taste.

Amy Hundley is a cherished editor and friend. She understood exactly what this book needed to find its shape and brought
An Untamed State
along with fierce intelligence and gentle hands. She too had faith, she took a chance, and I am grateful. She also has great boots that I want to steal but our feet are not the same size.

I also thank:

My Twitter friends for making procrastination worthwhile
Channing Tatum for his neck
My
PANK
co-editor and friend, M. Bartley Seigel, for too many reasons to list
Brad Green and Ethel Rohan, early readers of this novel who pushed me to make it better
The members of my local writing group, Daiva Markelis, Mary Maddox, Letitia Moffit, Angela Vietto, and Ruth Hoberman, who read and gave invaluable feedback on early versions of this novel
My boss, Dr. Dana Ringuette, who makes it possible to be both a teacher and a writer, and the extraordinary creative writing faculty at Eastern Illinois University: Daiva Markelis, Olga Abella, Ruben Quesada, Lania Knight, and Charlotte Pence
Steve Himmer, editor of
Necessary Fiction,
for setting all this into motion by taking the story “Things I Know About Fairy Tales,” which eventually became this book
Megan Lynch, for insight and friendship
Tayari Jones, a friend and mentor like no other
Edwidge Danticat, for her grace, generosity and being a leading light for Haitian writers
Karolina Waclawiak, who kindly listened to all my neuroses as this novel was birthed
Alissa Nutting, who kindly listened to all my neuroses as this novel was birthed
Jami Attenberg, who kindly listened to all my neuroses as this novel was birthed
Michelle Dean, who kindly listened to all my neuroses as this novel was birthed and is one hell of a friend
Tracy Gonzalez, my best friend who is more than a best friend, in this life, and if I am lucky, the next