Angel (3 page)

Four

I finished the assignment I had due by midnight for an online course I’d enrolled in to supplement my night classes and stretched my sore neck. Researching disease and mortality rates was a real bitch when your own brother was a living, breathing example. Sometimes pre-med studies hit just a little too close to home and I had to wonder if deep down I wasn’t some kind of masochist.

There was more that needed to get done. There was always more. But a man needs to eat and the delicious scents wafting upstairs for the past hour let me know that dinner was probably already on the table.

Most nights we ate at the small table in the kitchen. With just the three of us, using the larger one in the dining room felt like a waste. Plus it was some fancy kind of wood Mom picked out and polishing it was a real pain in the ass. Not tonight, though. Tonight I heard voices coming from the dining room as I hit the bottom of the stairs.

Predominantly, Mom’s. “Caulder is quite the rebel. Thinks he’s proving something by being late to every meal. All he really gets is cold food.”

Rolling my eyes, I crossed the kitchen, following my nose at the demands of my stomach.

“I’m not rebelling, Mom. I’m just—”
I took one look at the table and froze. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was
her
. The girl who had been consuming my every thought for weeks. Sitting at my dinner table. Beside my brother. “I’m just busy.”

“Busy-
schmusy. We have company.”

“So I see.”
Taking a seat beside Mom, I pinched my arm beneath the table, convinced I’d fallen asleep doing homework and this was some sort of elaborate dream. It wasn’t. “And who is this?”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Kiernan’s hand brushed over her shoulder as he made the introductions. “This is Jade. Jade, my brother Caulder.”

Jade
. The angel had a name.

“Nice to meet you.” Jade’s voice was as small as the rest of her.

I wanted to answer her, talk to her,
acknowledge
her, but my brain was too busy running in overdrive, working through what I was seeing. It was clear from the way she subtly leaned into him, the way she looked to him for guidance . . . This wasn’t some friend he’d picked up at school. She wasn’t a lab partner over to work on a class project. Kiernan meant something to this girl. Meant a
lot
to her.

And she had absolutely no clue what she was getting herself into.

“You invited her over for a family dinner?” What kind of game was he playing?

“Yeah. I did.” Kiernan shot me a look that dared me to ask the question on the tip of my tongue.

So, I did. “So, what? Are you two . . . dating?”

“Cal!” Mom was pissed, but that was something I’d have to deal with later. I had bigger concerns at the moment.

How well did Kiernan even know her? Did he have any idea what kind of crap she already had going on in her life? That he was only going to make it worse? It wasn’t something we’d ever talked about, but I’d always assumed that when the Kiernan bomb imminently exploded, it would only be Mom and me blown to pieces by the blast. Collateral damage was never a part of the plan.

“That’s really none of your damn business.” Kiernan bunched his napkin in his fist and glanced at Jade.

I got the impression that neither of them knew the answer to that question. He was playing fast and loose with not only his emotions, but hers. And it was only going to end one way.
Badly
.

“No. You’re right, it’s none of my business. But don’t you think it’s hers?”

The blood drained from Kiernan’s face and I had the answer to at least one of my questions. He knew what he was doing to her. He knew it wasn’t right. And yet, there she was, sitting right beside him, looking lost and confused.

“Maybe I should just—” She started to push away from the table, but Kiernan was quick to stop her.

“No. You’re not leaving.”

Of course she wasn’t. Because letting her go would have been the decent thing to do. “By all means, you stay. I’m not hungry anyway.”

Shooting a look at my little brother that promised we’d be having words about this later, I excused myself from the room. I couldn’t look at her, anymore. I couldn’t watch those shadowed eyes, permanently ingrained in my memory, look at my brother with a trust he didn’t deserve. I couldn’t be a witness to the charade he was putting on. And I sure as hell wouldn’t be a part of it.

I’d reached the top of the stairs before I remembered to breathe. Dammit, I was no good with change. And there had been far too much of it in our lives recently. None of it good. And now . . . The
literal
girl of my dreams shows up at my house.
With my
brother
.

Anger seemed to cook inside of me at a constant simmer, but at times like these—when I was stressed and unprepared—it would boil over. It wasn’t that Kiernan hadn’t deserved it, but he hadn’t been the only one on the receiving end. I’d officially known Angel—
Jade—
for all of five minutes and she probably already hated my guts.

Kiernan and I weren’t done. Not by a long shot. We were going to have a very serious discussion about this. Very soon. But for now, I put that aside and headed back downstairs to apologize to our guest.  Only she wasn’t in the dining room, anymore. She was standing frozen in the hallway, eyes riveted to the closed door of Mom’s home office.

“He can’t treat Jade that way. She doesn’t understand.” Kiernan’s voice filtered easily into the hall.

“I get that, Kiernan. I think that’s half the problem, though.”

“No, you don’t get it, Mom. She gets that shit from everyone else in her life. Kids at school, that asshole ex-boyfriend of hers, even her own mother, for chrissakes.” A tiny gasp left Jade at Kiernan’s mention of her mother, and her entire body locked up tighter than before. “You should hear the crap that woman heaps on her. Always telling her she’s not good enough. Making her feel unworthy. Unloved. Like she’s some kind of burden. And she believes it. Every damn word. She can’t see any of the good in herself because no one shows her. I am
trying
. I’m trying to make her see, but then Cal comes in and says stuff like that. There’s no way she’ll believe it’s not about her. Doesn’t matter what I say now. She is convinced she’s not good enough for anyone. And now Caulder’s gone and—”

What had I done? Jade’s gaze continued to bore into the door unaware of mine boring into her. Looking beneath the surface, trying to piece together what Kiernan was saying with all of that emotion in her eyes. The picture was blurry, but I was getting the distinct impression that it wasn’t pretty. And that I’d only managed to make it uglier.

“He didn’t know, Kiernan. This is not entirely his fault. You know he’s just—”

“
I
know, but
she
doesn’t.”

My mind ran back over the things it hadn’t had the chance to process before they’d c
ome spewing out of my big mouth earlier. Mom was wrong, I
did
know. But Kiernan was right, she didn’t. She didn’t have any clue what I was talking about. What must I have sounded like to her?

An outstanding asshole, that’s what.

When she spun around with tears in her eyes, I could have choked on my guilt. “Jade, I—I’m sorry. I—”

“Oh, God.” She looked like she was going to be sick. “Don’t.”

She broke into a jog, blowing past me before I could stop her. “
Wait!
”

I watched her fly around the corner and, a moment later, the sounds of the storm intensified before the front door slammed shut. Kiernan was still going at it with Mom, but she shouldn’t
be out there alone and I was probably the last person she ever wanted to see again.

Pausing long enough to rap once on the door, I threw it open to find Mom standing beside her desk, hands on her hips. A pose Kiernan and I both knew better than to mess with.
Usually
. Kiernan stood across from her, glaring daggers at me that were somehow less intimidating.

“She heard you.” I stopped in the doorway and folded my arms. If this was a battleground, I wasn’t going in with my defenses down.

“What?” Kiernan’s eyes flicked past me into the empty hallway.

“Jade heard everything you said.”

“Shit.” He moved toward the door, knocking me out of his way. Something that only worked because I allowed it to. “Where is she?”

“She took off.”

“In this weather?” Mom’s ‘resistance is futile’ expression morphed into worry as her eyes tracked to the window where rain pelted up against the glass.

“Someone should go after her.” My gaze flicked to Kiernan and he didn’t need to be told twice.

Mom called after him to wear a jacket as he took off down the hallway. I was willing to bet that getting wet was the least of his worries.

When I heard the door slam for a second time, I returned my attention to Mom. Her hands were back on her hips.
Great
.

“Caulder Matthew, you were entirely out of line tonight.”

“I know.” It wasn’t worth arguing. She was right.

“But I understand why you did it.” Mom sank wearily into the chair behind her desk and I took the one on the opposite side.

“He’s going to hurt her.”

“I know.”

“It isn’t fair.”

“I know.”

“He
has
to tell her.”

“I know.” I sensed her ‘but’ coming before it ever left her lips. “But he’s happy, Cal. I haven’t seen Kiernan this passionate in a long time. About anything. And it’s because of her.”

I dropped my head into my hands and scrubbed at my face. I couldn’t erase that look in Jade’s eyes before she ran out. The utter devastation. It felt like a preview of things to come. I understood where Mom was coming from. She wanted her son to be happy. I wanted that, too. He was my brother, for crying out loud. Of course I wanted him to be happy. But, then, why did I feel so conflicted?

Was it wrong to want to spare the girl with the haunted eyes one more ghost?

Was it wrong to want whatever time Kiernan had left to be filled with as much happiness as possible?

Was there any
right
answer?

***

I scanned over the final three pages of my chemistry notes and tucked them away in a folder when I heard Kiernan’s car in the drive. There was a test tonight and the last of my study time was about to be spent debating moral ethics. Taking a breath, I counted to ten and braced myself for impact.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” He burst into the room soaking wet.

“Don’t bother knocking.” Leaning back in the rolling chair, I planted both feet firmly on the carpeted floor. This needed to happen, whether or not I was ready for it.

“This isn’t some kind of joke, you dickhead.”

“
I’m
the dickhead?
Me
?” The chair banged off the desk as I lifted myself with more force than strictly necessary. “Do you have any idea how selfish you’re being? The way she looks at you . . . To let her get attached like that just to—”

“Leave her? Yeah. The thought’s crossed my mind a time or two.”

He was right. I was a dickhead. The downside of arguing with your terminally ill little brother was that no matter what—right or wrong—you were
always
the dickhead.

“Don’t do this, Kiernan.
” Yelling at him would get me nowhere, but I was willing to plead on her behalf. “You
know
it’s not fair.”

“I didn’t
mean
to do this. I never meant to get close enough to hurt her. Christ, Cal, I think I love her. The
last
thing I want to do is hurt her.”

Love her? He
loved
her?

“I was trying to be her
friend
.”

“Yeah, well, you failed.” My words had lost their bite. I slammed head first into that concrete wall of resignation and slumped back into my chair. “You know this is a
clusterfuck just waiting to happen, right?”

“I know.” Kiernan sank onto my bed and buried his face in his hands. “What am I supposed to do? I’ve screwed this all up.” His eyes lifted to me, silently pleading for a solution I didn’t have.

My fingers moved in idle circles, massaging my temples. I could feel a headache coming on. “One look at her and you can see that she’s falling for you, too. But, Kier . . . She only knows
half
the person she’s opening her heart to. And she doesn’t strike me as the type to open it easily. You can’t do that to her. There’s a point where secrets become lies. Kiernan . . .” I felt like I was walking a verbal tightrope, teetering over the right words to make my point. “Your condition doesn’t define you. It’s not who you are. Jade knows who you are. And she seems to like it for some reason.” Kiernan huffed a minute laugh and I felt the burn of tears begin to rise. Swallowing hard, I forced my voice to remain even. “It is a factor, though. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. You can’t just pretend it doesn’t exist. And you can’t keep it from her. She has a right to know—” The lump in my throat threatened to cut off my oxygen supply and my voice broke into a croak.