This was the very sort of discussion Wollfen wanted with her to gauge Madeira’s progress, all the intellectual knowledge in the world would mean nothing if she had no real feelings to match the ideals.
She thought about Wollfen’s words, searching her feelings trying to gauge the legitimacy of his ideas. He could see she was giving a genuine effort to understanding.
“
May I ask you something?” Madeira nodded, “I will use an example that you may be able to relate better to, do you have a friend that you like amongst the sorcs?”
“
Well of course I do, her name is Iris, her and I grew up together.” Now he sat forward.
“
Okay, imagine if you will that you and her are on a long journey together with a caravan and you are in the wilds. You both need to be on your toes at all times to survive as one little slip could cost you everything okay?” Madeira nodded, “Lets say Iris is injured and can no longer defend herself let alone continue on. You have two choices, leave her behind and you will be able to make it out but she will surely die. Or you can stay behind and are faced with the very real possibility she will probably die anyway but you may lose your life as well. So tell me Madeira, what would you do?”
She thought hard before replying.
“
By the expectations of my brethren I would be forced to leave her behind.”
Wollfen shook his head.
“
No, you have the freedom to choose for yourself, there are no consequences to face from your superiors or leaders in this scenario. What would be your decision then?”
She considered this new possibility carefully.
“
I would want to stay and help my friend.”
Wollfen smiled and leaned back.
“
Then Madeira you are responding in a natural way and it is a right one too.”
She had to argue the point though.
“
But realistically I should leave her behind to minimize our potential losses. It may very well cost me my life to stay as well as Iris's and who does that benefit?”
Wollfen had a ready response for that.
“
It benefits your soul and ultimately isn’t that much more important than your temporary life here in the material world? Yes there is the risk to lose your life but to risk it when so much is at stake is not really an issue when you think about it in those terms, do you agree?”
Madeira looked at Wollfen and he could see there was confusion in her eyes. He smiled once more and squeezed her hand.
“
I’m going to turn in, I shall bid you goodnight and pleasant dreams my dear, goodnight.”
“
Goodnight Wollfen.”
Madeira watched as he lay back in his cot, turned over and went to sleep. She in turn lay back in her own cot looking up at the low roof. Her mind was racing with so many thoughts and ideas, so many more questions. She had more questions now than she had ever had in her life before. She didn’t think there would be much sleep tonight at all.
Madeira woke with a start, the ship was rocking badly and she could hear heavy rain and winds lashing the ship. Slipping her feet over the edge of the cot she felt the floor was wet as her toes touched. Looking down she saw the whole floor was awash, standing up with her legs apart she managed to stagger to the door of the cabin as the ship pitched and rolled in the high seas.
She swung the door open and was hit in the face by stinging rain whipped up by the high winds. Shutting the door again behind her and leaning back, Madeira held on as she surveyed all that was going on. The sky was dark and the mainsail was ripped through, men were shouting and clambering about working to rectify the problem, where was Wollfen?
Looking up she spied him high on the mainmast. It was obvious he was working on a pulley up there. The rope had slipped from the pulley wheel and jammed, the mainsail or its remnants could not be lowered. She watched with her heart in her mouth, he could fall and be dashed to the deck at any time.
Wollfen was hanging on with one hand and his legs wrapped around the mast as he worked at the pulley with a bar trying to release the rope. A rogue wave hit the side of the ship sending her over into a heavy lean. Madeira cried out as she saw Wollfen lose purchase and was dangling by only a handhold. He swung there desperately trying to grab on with his other hand, but as she watched Madeira could see there wasn’t much he could do but cling on with that one hand.
The ship, with water pouring across its deck, seemed to be taking forever to right itself. Finally it came back up and Wollfen was able to grab back on. The pulley by a stroke of luck was righted somehow when the ship leaned over and he shimmied back down the mast. Back on deck he watched as the sail was lowered and they were able to get to work on it. Turning away he staggered on the pitching deck making his way back to the cabin, chest heaving from his adventure.
Madeira opened the door as he approached and he went inside. Turning he spoke to her as she closed it once again.
“
Thanks for that, that was some ride eh?”
He grinned ,Wollfen was on an adrenaline high. Madeira didn’t look happy at all.
“
What is wrong with you? Are you crazy?! Don’t ever do that again!”
She gave him a slap on his wet chest, Wollfen looked on perplexed at her anger with him.
“
I what?”
Madeira grabbed him and pressed her face against his bare cold chest, arms wrapped around him.
“
You scared me.”
He looked down and placed his arms around her, he still had a quizzical look but he was coming to understand what her outburst meant.
“
I am sorry but it had to be done, without a sail we would have been at the mercy of the elements.”
“
Well you didn’t have to do it did you?”
There was no point in arguing with her, it was best to acknowledge the danger for her own piece of mind.
“
Maybe you are right.”
Wollfen held her upper arms and pulled her away a little. Looking down into her eyes he saw her love for him and it made him sad. He cared for her but was not capable of returning the love she was expressing.
“
I have to go check on my patient.”
Wollfen let her go and left the cabin going back out into the wild weather. Madeira was left standing there, her heart aching as she came to the stark realization of her own feelings.
Down in the hold Wollfen checked on the sick man, he still didn’t know his name. Looking down at him Wollfen realized that he was getting worse, the high seas weren’t helping at all. He felt his pulse and checked his breathing, his hot skin told its own story too. Another full day of bad weather might do this poor soul in, there was nothing for it but to keep his liquids up and hope for the best. Wollfen had tried to feed him earlier but he wasn’t able to hold any solids down. He decided to come back every hour for the rest of the day.
Later that afternoon the storm started to abate which was just as well, the ship had taken a severe beating and was looking very much worse for wear. Ropes and broken rigging were hanging off one side into the sea and that made the helmsman have to work harder as it pulled the ship to one side. The current mainsail was starting to look rather sad and Wollfen looked over it, he had spent many a day sitting on deck and sewing for hours so he knew what he was looking at now. It would have to be replaced during the night, they had a couple in reserve so it wasn’t too big a deal. It meant they could look forward to a lot more sewing over the next couple of days.
The following morning Wollfen went back down into the hold to check on his patient. He find him sitting up in his hammock with a few of the sailors crowded around and swapping jokes, he was looking very good indeed. As Wollfen approached the men parted to let him in, the man in the hammock stuck his hand out and Wollfen shook it.
“
Id like to thank you for seeing me through my sickness, you have done more than any person would have tried.”
Some of the men looked down at the deck when he said this. Wollfen spoke up,
“
I understand normally your sailors don’t have a choice and that policy of your navy dictates you would have been dealt with differently.”
The man smiled,
“
Yes I can’t blame anyone, they had to obey orders.”
“
You know I have no idea what your name is?”
“
It’s Jake sir.”
Wollfen thought that name to be unusual.
“
Jake hey? That’s not a normal Isogorrean name is it?”
Again the sailor smiled,
“
My mother took it from a man she once had deep feelings for. He was a sailor from a trading ship that visited our Port.”
“
Well it's good to see you are recovering. I expect you to take it easy today and tomorrow too. You have been through a lot and your energy levels are not built up yet, do you understand?” Jake nodded, “I expect you to put away three square meals for what they are worth over the next two days.”
The men laughed at that comment, they were all getting sick of the gruel they had been eating for so many months now. The bit of fish they were catching on the voyage wasn’t helping much either.
Madeira looked up as Wollfen came into the cabin. She watched him as he lay back on his cot, hands behind his head and looking up. She looked down at his bare chest appreciatively and further down too, the bulge in his pants had become of interest to her, lean legs, brown suntanned feet. She could look at a man now and find herself quite interested in their physique. A few months ago she only ever looked at them with disdain.
“
You know the sailor I have been tending is making a very good recovery. I expect he will be back to his able bodied self within a few days eh?”
“
That’s good news my dear.”
Wollfen turned his head at the wording of the statement. He had never been called 'dear' by her before. Madeira was smiling, she got up and sat on the edge of his cot.
“
Tell me, when you find a person attractive and um, physically alluring, the word is sexy?”
Madeira had an open look on her face to which Wollfen wasn’t so sure how to reply.
“
Um, I guess that would be the appropriate word.”
Madeira stroked her fingertips up Wollfen's chest.
“
You are one hot sexy Wolf.”
She smiled. Wollfen blushed at the compliment and was a little lost for words. She had not shown any real intimate affection since that episode many months ago and that wasn't real but magically done.
“
I ah, well, thank you Madeira, I’m not sure what to say.”
She touched his face and looked over his features, she didn’t say anything back. She began stroking his hair and just sitting there. Wollfen didn’t move.
In such situations he always found his brain go blank, normally this would be the time to fall on the floor and make a fool of himself. He closed his eyes and let it be. His mind drifted to Dark and her touch. Dark, he missed her so, missed her closeness, missed her intimacy. He started to feel very lonely, when Madeira leaned down and kissed him softly Wollfen didn’t resist, he couldn’t.
He pushed her away a little roughly and grunted, sitting up in bed with his head down over his lap.
“
I’m sorry, I don’t mean to push you away, well I do, oh shit I don’t know,” he looked up at her and could see the hurt in her eyes, “I am sorry for the conflict of emotions Madeira, but you must know I have a partner that I dearly love already and I will not betray her.”
Madeira looked away and sighed.
“
I'm sorry too. I have never felt like this about anyone before. It isn’t like that time months ago when I felt lust for the first time. I do feel something much deeper and I wasn’t really aware until I saw you up that mast in the storm. I truly feared for you Wollfen.”
This woman had been starved of affection all her life, she had been brought up in a cold specifically structured organization and she was but a cog in it. Now she was coming to terms with actually being alive and Wollfen's heart went out to her because of it.
“
None of it is your fault Madeira you have had no idea before of what it means to love or to care for that matter.”
She looked at him with tears trickling down her cheeks and he did the only thing he could think of, pulled her next to him and placed his arm around her. She lay there tense and upset but after a little while he felt her relax and even snuggle a little, it was the most he could give her.
The next few weeks were uneventful and passed with the usual steady monotony of chores on board the ship. It was halfway through the fifth month of the voyage when they managed to happen on a convoy of cargo and warships heading in the opposite direction. Captain Serhatnan ordered the Man O War to do an about face as the convoy would continue on. A half day lost seeking supplies and word from the mainland was a very small price to pay.